Angela had waited four months to have someone to share her real feelings with. She had become quite close with Lady Dillard in the past few months but no friendship could compare to the one she had with her cousin. Angela sighed. If this had happened at another time, perhaps before Andrew had become an Earl, perhaps before the truth had come out, then maybe Angela could have confided in her husband. She didn’t know how many wives had the opportunity to do such a thing but their situation had been different… before.
Of course she and Andrew had talked about the baby, it was only natural for them to do so, but that was pretty much all they had talked about for almost four months. It was not long now before the baby would actually be here and these common pleasantries of conversations would not work any longer. In just a few short months there would be a baby, a life that they had created, and that baby would be the heir to an Earldom. That baby would be special.
No!
Angela heard her own voice ring through her mind in a panic. This baby would be special no matter what. This baby would be special if it was an heir or not. This baby would be special if it was a boy or not. For despite what everyone might think, there was a possibility that this baby would not be a boy, and that instead she would give birth to beautiful daughter who would be subjected to the same horrible fate as Angela had been. Her stomach tightened and she fell to her window seat ready to break into tears, but at that very moment Mary came through the door and for a split second in time, the world was right. With great effort, Angela pulled herself up from the seat and flew to Mary who was flying towards her as well. But before she could hug her beloved friend and draw an ounce of comfort, Mary stopped and gasped.
“Oh! Your belly! It’s so… so… beautiful!” And it was with that and a flow of tears that she hugged her cousin, gently, of course. “I can’t believe this! I mean I can! With all the time you must spend together I’m surprised it didn’t happen earlier… Wow…”
“Mary!”
“What? I told you how I felt before! Your husband is…”
“Mary! I did not ask for your presence so that we could debate my husband!”
Mary sat down on the window seat and crossed her arms. “How you wish, dear cousin. But you did not get in this state on your own…”
“Oh I know that well enough!” Now Angela was sitting next to her best friend, one arm around her shoulder and one arm on her own belly. “I just wanted to talk with a kindred spirit. I just wanted to talk about the baby’s future…”
Mary scoffed and nearly choked on her own laughter. “The baby’s future? You are a Countess; your husband an Earl! Your son will have the best of everything. Your son…”
It was at this point that Angela could no longer keep quiet and she cut in.
“My son? And what if I don’t have a son? What if I don’t have an heir?” Flowing with passion Angela placed her hands on either side of her cousin’s face and her very soul poured out. “There are two options you know. Everyone assumes that the baby will be a boy… but what if it’s a girl?”
Mary didn’t say a word but Angela knew that she understood. “What kind of mother does that make me? I know very well what the life of a female is. I will love her and so will Andrew, but to everyone else she will be inferior. She will be as I was! I cannot bear that! I cannot let that happen!”
Mary tried to speak but Angela just continued to pour out her heart. “I know Andrew will love her but he is an Earl now, and as much as he loves her he will have to make sure she fulfills her role. He will hate it. I will hate it… But it’s what must happen. It’s what will happen!”
Her cousin shook her head furiously. She understood exactly what Angela was saying and feeling and she knew that there was no answer to this problem. There was no way to change one’s fate in a situation such as this. The only way to make this moment better was to lie. And so she did.
“No! No! Angela, this child will be a male.”
Angela was shaking her head now. “We can’t know that! We can’t!”
Mary grasped onto her cousin for dear life and held her in place. “Angela, just look at your family! How long did it take for your family to have you? You are destined to have a boy! This child is destined to be an heir!” Mary wrapped her arms around her beloved and squeezed tightly. “Everything will be alright…”
Angela gently placed her hands on top of her growing belly and caressed it as prayers again filled her mind.
***
It was exactly five months into her pregnancy when Angela truly connected with her child for the first time. It started out the same as any other morning. Angela had risen early, and alone, as always. She dressed, alone, and then made her way down the stairs to have breakfast. She sat down at the table, alone, and began to eat her breakfast. She sighed.
There had been a time when solitude had been a welcome sanctuary in her life. There had been a time when her own self assurance and control was what mattered most. She still cherished her freedom above all else but as her life began to move forward and change, she felt something strange within her soul. Her pregnancy had covered much of that ache but somehow, there was still something wrong deep within her essence.
But by the time the maid had come back to clear the table, Angela could no longer think about this ache inside of her because another strange feeling was beginning. When the feeling didn’t go away after several minutes she finally decided to retire back to her room and rest, but as she laid down the unusual feeling did not cease. Instead it grew. She tossed and turned in the bed before finally going to her window seat to read, hoping to take her mind off of the situation. She had just picked up her book when it happened. She not only felt but saw her abdomen jump. She gasped and her hands flew to her belly, delicately cradling it as if the baby were actually right there in her arms, all soft and pink and precious.
“Oh. Oh,” was all she managed before the tears began to wash over her cheeks.
***
Andrew locked himself inside his study and sat down at his desk to think. He had placed it strategically in front of the east facing window, the only window in the room that didn’t face directly into the bustling city. When he had lived at this house the first time he had always loved looking out windows on this side of the manor. At that time, just seeing the grass and the trees and the animals running wild reminded him of the freedom that did exist in the world.
He had been free once…
But the moment he had agreed to live this life he had known the consequences. His life would, once again, no longer be his own. What a strange realization. Here he was, an Earl for God’s sake, and he was not in charge of his life! Who would have thought? When a person thinks of nobility they think of freedom and choice, but that is not so. Andrew had grown up around it and so he knew this reality, but the extent of the captivity was something he could not have ever imagined until he was thrown into it himself.
Sometimes he wished…
No. It was almost a sin.
But… he couldn’t remove it from the depths of his mind.
He almost wished he was still a bond servant. At least then he had privacy. At least then he had been left alone.
That was no more, and right now, he was exhausted.
In was in moments like this that he knew his life was held together by only a tiny thread. This thread had changed identity from time to time in his life and right now, the only bonds that held his life in place were the thoughts of his child. His heir. His son.
Son.
The very thought of the word sent a thrill swarming through his body. He actually shivered at the image. Andrew was going to be a father and someone else cared beside him and his wife!
Son.
Yes, it might not be the ideal life. It might not be the life Andrew had hoped to raise a son in, but at least his son would have a choice. At least his son…
Andrew pounded his hands on his desk with all the ferocity he could muster, and then he stood up and screamed in revelation.<
br />
What if this child was not a son? What if this child was a daughter? It had never occurred to him of the other choice. No one ever considered the other choice, after all; especially not a man of nobility who was expected to produce an heir. It was at that very moment that it hit him. Deep down inside he knew that he had never really cared if this child was a boy or a girl. No matter what he would love his child unconditionally and do everything in his power to protect it from the coldness that existed in the world; the coldness that both he and Angela had faced.
No he didn’t care if the child was a boy or a girl, but society would care.
The very thought made him sick.
The very thought of what the future might hold for his child send a wave of pain and fear through his body. Had Angela come to the same realization? And before he knew where his feet were leading him, Andrew was on his way to find his wife and his child and let them know that everything was going to be fine.
***
The last person Angela had been expecting to see this morning was her husband. She had just settled peacefully into her normal routine which consisted of sitting in the sunlit window seat of her rooms, reading her favorite book. She had just gotten to the best part of the story, the part where the main characters live happily ever after, when the door to her room opened without warning and her own knight in shining armor strode in.
Her first reaction had been to scold him; husband or not this was her room and he should at least have the respect to knock before entering. But when she looked into his eyes her heart melted. Those baby blues were misted over just like the grass after a soft rain. Something was definitely on his mind…
And he had come to her.
Her stomach fluttered and for the first time in months she attributed it to something other than the movement of her child. Her husband needed her. Her. And for some reason that she did not understand, her entire body went faint.
As he stepped closer to her, she felt a bead of sweat begin to roll down her forehead. She pulled her handkerchief from her pocket and quickly wiped the tell-tale sign from her face. Why had she done this? What, exactly, was she afraid of?
Afraid.
Yes, she was afraid. She was afraid of many things in her life; losing her freedom, the future of her baby… but her husband? No. She couldn’t possibly be afraid of him. But yet, she had wiped the sign of weakness from her body and prayed that he would not take notice.
Why had she done this? For the thousandth time the thought engulfed her mind. She shouldn’t be afraid of her Andrew. He was the only person who had ever seen her as the person she truly was, and he, above all, loved her! She should be overjoyed but at this moment she could not muster the ability. It was no longer just herself she had to worry about. Her eyes slowly drifted down to her plump midsection as she rubbed it lovingly. Now her child was the priority in her life. Her child would come first, and Andrew would just have to understand that.
She looked up from her child and her eyes immediately locked with the father of her baby. There was something in those eyes, something important, and a peace fell over her.
***
Andrew had planned and practiced his words carefully, but the moment he entered her rooms and caught a glimpse of her surrounded by sunlight, he forgot everything. He opened his mouth to speak but his attempt was in vain. No sound emerged, not even one single word that would let her know that she didn’t have to be scared. He was there. He would protect them.
And then, just when he thought that his soul couldn’t possibly hold any more emotions, his eyes landed on the precious and beautiful roundness of Angela’s belly. He was overtaken and his feet lead him directly to her. He fell to his knees and reached out his hands. They were shaking and he quickly noticed that her hands were shaking too.
He looked at her and she at him and their souls connected.
You have thought it.
The words were in his mind but she read them through his eyes.
Yes, she answered and he read her eyes too.
I will never let—
I know.
He laid his hand softly on the side of her cheek and a flash of excitement flooded her eyes. Andrew’s eyes widened too but she didn’t acknowledge his reaction. Instead she took his hand from her face and laid it flat on her belly.
It moved.
The baby moved.
Their baby moved.
And in this moment they both spoke with their eyes as the tears flowed and joy overtook them.
***
After what had felt like an eternity, Andrew and Angela finally broke from each other’s embrace. His heart still ached for his wife, but he knew that in order to fulfill this life that he had agreed to and to give his family the life that they deserved, every fiber of his being would have to be concentrated on the tasks ahead. He had made the decision in his head, quietly, many times before, but this time was different; this time he would have to follow through.
And so Andrew rose and placed a gentle kiss on the top of Angela’s head before he turned slowly and walked away.
Chapter Nineteen
Everything was good in the world. Angela could feel all of the weight of her body lift up out of her. She sighed. She didn’t know what was happening but for the very first time in months her body felt at ease and as light as air.
Her vision was blurry but at the same time she could see everything clearly; her husband, their child, their future together. Everything was laid out before her and she knew exactly what to do. She knew (she just knew!) that everything was going to work out.
But as pleasing as that was, in this very moment all she felt, all she cared about, was the feeling of release that was overtaking her. She was out of her own body but she could feel it all. And she was comfortable, so comfortable! And warm! She could feel the wave begin within her belly and then all at once it burst forth from her relieving her of all that had consumed her. She could feel it flow out of her all warm and comforting as if an actual wave of water was washing over her.
As if…
Angela’s body rose as she gasped desperately for breath. Her arms flew to her stomach and she screamed.
She was being washed in water.
The baby was coming.
***
It had become a normal way of life for Andrew to dream about his child. Tonight was no different. He had just drifted off into the world of dreams, running through a field of vibrant spring flowers with his child, when his vision was broken by a commotion outside of his room. He was a light sleeper these days as he waited for the child, and so he was out the door before anyone even came for him
Almost instantly a maid ran up to him in a frantic state and exclaimed, “Your wife sir! She is having the baby!”
Andrew’s mind began to spin without reason. He had known that this moment would come, sooner than later, but he had not been truly prepared for it to happen. In truth he had never been truly prepared for it. He had seen Angela’s belly grow in size and beauty over the past nine months and he knew that inside of her lay a life just waiting to burst forth. But to him and to most men, or so he assumed, the reality of a child could not be experienced before it was born. For women, a child lives within them from the very beginning. They not only know that it exists but they can feel it intimately. In every breath, every movement, every intimate detail, the child is a reality. A woman is prepared from the onset.
A man has to wait for the moment of birth; for the moment that the child is introduced to the outside world. Seeing is not always believing and for Andrew this was definitely the case. Of course he knew that a life, a baby—his baby!—was growing inside of his beautiful and amazing wife. But it didn’t matter what he did because he could never experience that life as Angela did. He would never know his child in such an intimate and personal manner as his wife had experienced through the term of her pregnancy. For that he was jealous.
For that he was in awe.
It was the unanswered question of a
ll men; women are so delicate, so beautiful, and yet they are able to do something that a man never can. Physically, emotionally, carrying a child and giving birth was in Andrew’s mind, the most difficult and demanding task that any human being could go through.
Oh Angela! His beautiful and wonderful Angela was about to go through with something that he would never understand! His heart ached. He could feel the throbbing of his love for her pulsate through his body. From the top of his head to the very bottom of his feet he could feel a fire burning that was strong enough to consume his entire being.
His wife was about to give birth. He was about to be a father. His body tensed and his eyes watered and before he knew it, he was outside of Angela’s room, waiting for his life to begin.
***
By all accounts, the birth of Mary Isabella Angela Wilson-Dillard should have been the start of a miraculous life blessed by God. After all, her father was a servant turned Earl and her mother was the famed only daughter of a Baron.
And this was precisely the problem.
Angela had never known that it was possible to feel this much love. Her heart ached and her body throbbed… and she burst into tears. Her beautiful daughter, all sweet and pink and innocent; what kind of world had they brought her into? Angela recalled all to vividly and painfully what she had gone through, and as she counted all of her daughters plump toes and fingers she began to hold her closer to her body, shielding little Mary, wonderful, beautiful, innocent Mary, from everything outside.
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