Losing Silas to Annie hadn’t just been about the pain of falling in love, then finding her heart gone. In a lot of ways, during the loneliest time of her life, he’d been her best friend. Her only friend.
People had questioned why Rose had so easily run away with Ben. But they hadn’t realized the depth of her loneliness. How isolated she’d been in a new place with no one she felt like she could confide in. She’d been carrying around so much hurt, and Ben had fed it, asking her questions, encouraging her to let it all out. Of course, Ben had his motivation for wanting Rose to talk to him, but she hadn’t known it at the time. He’d used her pain to his advantage, and in the end, Rose had only been hurt worse.
So now, with all these wonderful things in her heart, how could Rose express them to Silas without becoming reliant on him? If they didn’t end up married to each other, could Rose bear losing such a close friend again? But was Silas a man she could marry?
Rose continued walking, choosing to remain silent.
“What does ‘fine’ mean?” Silas asked, slowing their pace. “Is everything all right between you and Mary?”
Of course he would ask that. How many times had he listened to her tearfully recount the ways in which her sister had wounded her? Mostly because she’d felt left out or slighted or taken advantage of. Mary had never been cruel. But Rose had.
Rosabelle. Of all the gifts Rose had ever received, this was probably the greatest. For all the things Rose had done to her sister, wronged her and behaved selfishly, Mary saw past them and into Rose’s heart. Her sister loved her.
“Yes,” Rose said. And then, because it was the closest she could come to spilling all the delicious happiness of their newfound bond, she added, “They’re naming the baby for me. And Annabelle. Rosabelle, they’re calling her. She wanted my blessing.”
Her heart overflowed with joy, but she kept it to herself, quietly celebrating the beauty of reconciliation, wishing she could share it with Silas, but reminding herself that things had changed between them.
“That’s nice,” he said, giving her a strange look. “It sounds like things are improving between you two.”
“They are. Thank you for asking.”
Not her most profound speech, and certainly confusing to Silas, who was used to her pouring out all of her thoughts and feelings, but in a way, it felt good to know that she could exert some control over herself and her emotions.
“You know you don’t have to pretend with me,” he said slowly, stopping, then turning to face her. “What’s really going on? On one hand, you seem happy, but on the other hand, you’re more distant than you’ve ever been.”
One more thing that Silas would be the one to notice. He’d always been able to see through her, and he’d never been one to accept her excuses that hid her true feelings.
But perhaps it was good for them to get things out in the open. Especially now that she’d committed to living differently.
“Mary reminded me of the importance of guarding my heart around you. I’m too free with my thoughts and feelings. While I value you and your friendship, I need to be more careful of my emotions.”
He looked like she’d just shot him. She’d seen a woman shot once, by one of Ben’s men, and the image of the woman’s face was still clearly imprinted in her mind. Now it was as though the woman’s features had been transformed into Silas’s.
“You don’t really forgive me, do you?”
No wonder he looked so wounded.
But what could she say?
“I’m trying.”
It was the only answer she could give, but even that seemed insufficient. Guarding her heart was one thing, but she did owe him a deeper explanation.
Rose took a deep breath, then looked up at him. “This isn’t about how you hurt me in the past, but how I need to keep my heart safe for the future. I don’t know if there is anything in store for us beyond friendship, and until I know the answer, both in my heart and yours, I can’t open up to you the way I once did. It isn’t fair to either one of us, and it certainly isn’t fair to our potential spouses.”
She’d expected him to argue with her, or at least act like her words came as a surprise. Instead, he nodded.
“Will told me something similar.” Then he sighed. “But what are we to do? I can’t pretend that I don’t value your opinion, or that you aren’t someone I rely on. Will I marry again? I don’t know. But I do know that I will be loyal to my future wife, no matter what. Once I married Annie, I abandoned all thoughts of you. Why can’t we stay friends?”
Rose took a deep breath. Never in all her life had she been one to end a relationship, but here, now, Silas’s words made it clear exactly why they couldn’t continue on as they had.
“Because the kind of friendship you’re trying to build with me, the kind of friendship we had, will be devastating to lose again. You didn’t just break my heart, Silas, you took away my only friend when I needed one the most. I won’t be hurt like that again.”
The only person Rose had ever slapped was her sister, and she regretted that action every day. Though she hadn’t raised her hand to him, Silas bore the same expression Mary had the one time Rose had slapped her. They’d fought and Rose had said terrible things in a fit of anger and hurt, and in the aftermath, Rose had found no satisfaction. But this time, watching the waves of pain on Silas’s face, Rose had no regret. Because as they slowly subsided, she saw the realization dawn on him that she was right.
“You were my closest friend, too,” he said slowly.
“So it’s not fair to either of us to continue. Not unless our hearts are turned in the direction of marrying each other. And I’m not sure that’s possible right now.” Without waiting for his response, she continued down the sidewalk the few doors to the parsonage.
They could have talked about it more, she supposed. But there wasn’t much left to say. For the first time, Rose was saying what she wanted in a relationship, not gratefully accepting the crumbs she was offered. And even though letting go wasn’t the easiest thing she’d ever done, Rose felt freer than she ever had.
Chapter Eleven
Silas couldn’t argue with Rose’s words. Or even her sentiment. How many times had he wished he’d had someone to talk to once things ended with Rose? He didn’t have that same closeness with his wife, and he sometimes wondered if Annie knew and resented it. She’d known about Rose—not all the details, because he’d wanted to spare her that. But when they fought, Annie had often accused him of not loving her the way he did Rose.
And she’d been right.
He hated how that shame haunted him. How, despite his best efforts to be a good husband, he couldn’t love Annie in the same way he’d loved Rose. He’d tried, and he would stand by the idea that he’d done his best by her. But even in the best moments of their marriage, he’d ached from the loneliness of not having anyone he could talk to the way he’d talked to Rose.
Could he do that again?
Now more than ever, his idea of marrying Rose to give Milly a mother seemed like the worst he’d ever had. Though he was working on his relationship with Rose, it wasn’t the same.
He thought about his discussion with Will, and that to pursue the kind of deep friendship he’d once had with Rose, he would need to pursue marriage. To fully commit his heart to her and follow it to the eventual end.
Could marriage work between them?
Silas shook his head. Not when she was still trying to forgive him. Just as he was willing to give her his all, she needed to give him hers. Which couldn’t happen if she still harbored mistrust in her heart.
He quickly followed her onto the porch. “Rose, wait.”
She stopped and looked at him, a new hardness to her face he hadn’t noticed before. “I told you, we can’t—”
“I know. And I’m not asking you
to. I just wanted to tell you that I understand.”
Her face softened and her posture relaxed.
Silas swallowed and took a deep breath. “You weren’t the only one who lost a valuable friend. We made a lot of mistakes.”
His chest hurt, weighing on him heavier than any of the rocks coming out of the mine. “I made a lot of mistakes.”
For a moment, she looked like she was going to speak, but he held his hand up. “No. I need to take responsibility for my actions. I know you made your mistakes, but I did you the greatest wrong because I should have been honest with you about what I was dealing with. I hid it from you because I was afraid you weren’t going to talk to me anymore, and truth is, I couldn’t face what I knew I had to do.”
He’d never tried justifying himself or making excuses, but this seemed like the only moment he might ever have to give her the apology she deserved.
“I loved you, Rose. I meant every word I said to you, and I honestly intended to run away with you like we’d planned. But I stopped to give Ma a hug goodbye, and then Pa walked in the door, dejected because the bank wasn’t going to give him an extension. I knew if I married Annie, all those problems would go away.”
The emotions that played on her face were a mixture of hurt and understanding, but mostly unreadable. Nothing that spoke of the absolution he desperately wanted to receive.
“I took the coward’s way out.” He shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t call it that. I thought I was being brave, marrying someone I didn’t love to save them. I guess I took the easy way out. I didn’t fight for what was right, and I didn’t ask your opinion. So I immediately went to the Garrett place and did what I had to do.”
He’d had to stop on the way to throw up. It had made him sick to think of not being with Rose, but that detail probably wouldn’t serve any purpose. Not now. Not when Rose wasn’t in a place where she could open her heart to him.
“I should have told you.” Silas looked her in the eye. “I should have told you from the beginning that my parents were having trouble hanging on to the farm, and that Mr. Garrett had made it clear that if I married Annie, those troubles would be over. I’m sorry for the way my omissions hurt you.”
Rose nodded slowly. “I’d heard as much. I should have asked you. Talking with Mary today, I realized that I’ve done a lot of assuming in my life. We all do.”
Though she gave him grace, she hadn’t accepted his apology. She hadn’t offered him forgiveness. Then again, she’d said the words before, and while he knew she meant them, he also knew she was working through living that out.
She looked at him with the same unreadable expression she’d worn the whole time he’d tried apologizing.
“Had you been courting her all along?”
Nothing he said to justify his answer would make it better. “I’d been calling on her, yes.”
Rose nodded slowly, her brow furrowed like it was when she was thinking deeply. “To what end?”
He’d spent those days desperately hoping that Annie would find some flaw in him, decide they didn’t suit or confess that she, too, was in love with another. But mostly, they’d just sat on her porch, staring out at the farm, making small talk about the weather.
“To get to know each other, figure out if a match would work.” Which made him sound like a terrible person. If a man had done that to Milly, he’d call him out.
“You have to know that I didn’t touch her, didn’t kiss her, didn’t make any romantic gestures. Our first kiss was on our wedding day, and I took no pleasure in—”
“I don’t want to know.” Rose stopped him with the kind of glare she usually reserved for the most heinous of crimes. “I appreciate that you want to explain what happened. And I do understand. I don’t fault you for doing what you think was right for your family. I might have done the same. I meant what I said about forgiving you. But it doesn’t make my heart any less wary.”
There wasn’t supposed to be sympathy in her eyes. She wasn’t supposed to look like she cared about him. But she did.
“This isn’t about you owing me anything over our past. But about me needing to live my life differently so I can have the future I deserve. And for you.” Her shoulders rose and fell as she took a deep breath.
“If you’d truly seen me as the kind of friend you claim I was, you wouldn’t have hesitated to tell me what was going on. I don’t know how I would have reacted, but I do know that the kind of man I want is the kind of man who will always tell me the truth, no matter how unpleasant, and trust me to find a solution together. I know you think you loved me, and that I was your closest friend, but maybe you need to take a look at your definition of love.”
She turned and reached for the door. “Please don’t bother me again with your attempts at rehashing our past. I’m tired of having to live my life to justify my past, and I’d like to be free of this, as well.”
Before he could respond, the door opened and Maddie came out, holding a wailing Matthew. Rose scooped him into her arms and dashed inside.
Maddie gave Silas a nod. “It’s best you let things go between you and Rose. She doesn’t need no man to make up for her past. Well, I don’t think she needs a man at all. But if one wants her, then he’d best be prepared to fight for her future.”
“How much of that conversation did you hear?”
Maddie grinned. “There ain’t no secrets in these parts. Especially when you’re doing all your talking on the front porch. So you mark my words. If you want Rose, then you fight for her. And if you’re not sure, then you leave her be.”
That seemed to be everyone’s warning.
So why couldn’t he leave her alone?
He started to pass, but Maddie stood in his way. “I want your word. I won’t have our girl hurt again.”
Silas closed his eyes. Rose, the girl he’d spent so long loving and protecting because no one else seemed to notice her, now had so many protectors, he was being pushed away. He’d have liked to have been a part of that group, but Will’s warning rang in his head.
“You have my word.”
Maddie nodded at him. “Milly’s in the back with Nugget. You should join her. Seems to me a man fighting to keep his little girl ought to be spending time with her instead of mooning over a woman he’s not committed to.”
Of all the blows that had landed on him all day, this had to be the worst. He’d been so focused on the situation with Rose, he hadn’t given his full attention to Milly. The day was almost gone, and tomorrow, they’d be busy with church, and he’d agreed to let the Garretts have her afterward. Then he’d be back to work the next day, leaving just a few precious evening hours for him to spend with her.
“I’ll get to it then.”
This time, Maddie let him pass, and he went directly to the backyard where the children were all running around, playing some sort of game of tag.
Milly noticed him before he could call her name. She ran to him, her little legs moving faster than he’d ever seen them. With all the vigor her energetic young body held, she launched herself into his arms.
“Papa! I pway wif da kids!”
“Are you having fun?”
Milly nodded, her golden braids flopping around her head. She didn’t have much hair, barely enough to braid, but she’d wanted braids just like the other girls, so somehow, Rose had found a way to make it work.
One more thing he admired about Rose. She’d given his daughter so much, and constantly sought out ways to meet her needs.
“You will pway wif us?”
“How do I play?”
Milly grinned. “Nugget! Papa will pway wif us!”
Nugget picked up a ball, then ran over to them. She briefly explained his role, which seemed to consist largely of him throwing the ball to them, but it didn’t matter. The delight on his daughter’s face
would have made him willing to do just about anything.
Maddie had been right. Spending time focused on the situation with Rose took away from what was most important to him right now.
He picked up the ball and tossed it at the girls, who giggled and ran after it. This game was like nothing he’d seen before, and by the way Nugget explained things, likely something they’d made up on their own. Laughter rang out through the yard, and the girls brought the ball back to him, asking him to throw it again.
Silas threw the ball, and once again, they chased after it, their smiles contagious as he found himself feeling lighter than he had in a long time.
“What’s all this commotion?” Rose stepped outside, carrying a now-smiling Matthew.
“Ma-few!”
Milly dropped the ball and ran toward them. “Ma-few pway wif us?”
“I think he’s too little to play ball, but we can sit here and watch.”
Rose sat on one of the chairs they had in the back for that very purpose. As she adjusted her hold on the baby, Milly climbed into her lap.
“I sit wif you and Ma-few.”
There wasn’t a prettier picture in all the world than the sight of his daughter on Rose’s lap, tickling the baby in her arms.
“I wuv Ma-few.”
Of all the things Silas wished he could give Milly, a baby brother or sister was the hardest to deny her. The trouble with Rose giving him permission to grieve the child he’d lost with his wife was that it made moments like these harder.
Someday, Milly was going to ask for a brother or sister of her own.
Milly leaned forward and gave the baby a big, wet kiss on the forehead.
“Matthew loves you, too,” Rose said softly, giving Milly a squeeze.
Then Milly jumped down to go back to play.
“Papa! Is you’s turn!”
Ignoring the gentle smile radiating Rose’s inner beauty, Silas turned back to his daughter. He picked up the ball and threw it again.
For the Sake of the Children Page 14