Heartless

by R. C. Martin

  “Why are you still with her, then?”

  “You know why,” I insist tenderly.

  “Yes, but how long are we supposed to hang onto that excuse? Until you’re reelected for a second term? Until you’re no longer governor at all? Will we even be able to exist as something more than a secret? Will we know how?”

  Her questions strike a cord deep within me. Waiting for the right time—it’s an issue I’ve been up against before. It’s a challenge that drove an invisible wedge between Veronica and me long ago. If there’s one thing I adore about Blaine more than any other, it’s her vulnerability and her desire to be open and honest about her insecurities in regards to our relationship. She may be more than a decade younger than me, and we will always have our differences, but they’re not enough to best who we’re capable of being together. She’s not afraid to feel. She’s not afraid to let me see her—all of her. Even more, she’s made it abundantly clear that she craves the same in return. All of me. That is what she wants, and that is what she shall have.

  She gasps when I fall back onto the bed, taking her with me before rolling until I’m on my side, hovering over her. I rest my hand on her hip, giving her a squeeze as I press a soft kiss against her lips.

  “Labor Day weekend is in a couple of weeks. My family uses it as an opportunity to travel together. Graham’s grandparents own a beach house in Oregon. I’ll think of an excuse to get out of it. I’ll take you away—just you and me. Can you get the time off?”

  Frowning at me curiously, she mumbles, “I can try. But, Michael, that doesn’t—”

  “Blaine, things will be a little tough once word is out. I’ve never been up against something like this before. I need to gather my wits about me. I need a little calm before the storm.”

  “Okay,” she whispers, reaching up to run her fingers along my jaw. “You’ll tell her when we get back?”

  “Let me get some advice. I’ll set up a few meetings with people I trust, people who helped me get into office—people who I’m sure will keep their lips sealed. I need to know how to handle this with as little scandal as possible thrown at all of us.”

  She nods her understanding and then presses, “Then you’ll tell her?”

  “Yes,” I promise, brushing my lips over hers. “Then I’ll tell her.”

  “‘Kay,” she murmurs. Her eyes staring up into mine, she bites the inside of her cheek, stalling before she asks, “When do you have to leave?”

  “My suit is out in the car. I should be in the shower at six, out the door no later than twenty ‘til.”

  “Will you hold me until you have to get up?”

  “I’d love to.”

  Blaine

  I’M SO TIRED, I feel my eyes drooping almost as soon as he shuts out the light. When he joins me underneath the covers, he pulls me into his arms—my back against his chest. Relief pales in comparison to how I feel having him here. I didn’t expect for my morning to go as it has, but here I am, drifting to sleep in the arms of the man I love. I know he’ll be gone by the time I wake up, but I don’t let that trouble me. Not anymore.

  He loves me.

  “Michael?” I mumble, fighting against sleep for just a second longer.

  “What is it, angel?”

  “There’s a key. In the drawer by the dishwasher, there’s a key.”

  Holding me tighter, he buries his nose in my hair and mutters, “If you’re offering me a key, I won’t be able to stay away. I’ll be here every morning before I get ready for work, even if all I get to do is this.”

  A weak smile pulls at the corner of my mouth as I breathe, “Promise?”

  “I love you,” he murmurs in reply.

  “Love you,” I barely manage, finally succumbing to the pull of sleep.

  Michael

  “I STILL CAN’T believe you’re not going,” Veronica states, emerging from the closet with another handful of clothing.

  I watch her from where I sit, on the cushioned bench at the foot of the bed. She stacks her outfits in her suitcase, laying open beside me.

  “Don’t even get me started on your mother. Every day this week, she’s been calling me, trying to get me to convince you that you can just bring your work with you.”

  I shake my head, mentally pulling on the truth that I wouldn’t be able to get any work done with everyone around. We’re not exactly a quiet bunch, a fact that everyone can admit. Regardless of the fact that I won’t actually be working this weekend, I still defend myself as I say, “You know I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.”

  “Yes, I know,” she says with a sigh. She stops what she’s doing, frowning at me before she reaches over and runs her fingers through the front of my hair. “You’ve never missed a weekend before. We’ve been doing this since Abigail got engaged. Eight years, Mike.”

  “I realize that, Vee, but I’ve also never had a quarter like the one I’m currently having. We’ve been over this. I didn’t make this decision lightly.”

  “You’ve been working too hard, lately. I know your job is important, but you need down time just like the rest of us.”

  I don’t say anything in reply, not in the mood to rehash the argument we had when I first told her that I wouldn’t be joining the family over the holiday weekend. I knew that everyone would be disappointed, most of all Veronica and my mother, but I need the space. I need the chance to take a breath before I rip apart one of the longest and most meaningful relationships that I’ve had in my whole life. More than that, I need another weekend with Blaine. The days are getting longer and the nights are getting harder without her. I’m not so prideful that I can’t admit that a weekend with my woman is what I need before I face the turmoil I know lies in front of us.

  As I admire the woman that’s been my wife for more than fifteen years, I’m certain that while I will always care for her, she no longer has my heart. It’s the most difficult truth I’ve ever had to face, and I’d be lying if I said that I was anxious to be done with her. It is not my intent to be cruel. I’m not a heartless man, and I’m aware of the pain my secret will cause. Yet, at the end of it all, I know that the truth will set us both free. She deserves to be loved the way I’m no longer capable of loving her.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, giving my shoulder a squeeze and pulling me from my thoughts. “I know this isn’t your ideal choice, either. Maybe I should stay.”

  “What? No—why would you do that?” I ask, furrowing my eyebrows to disguise my rising sense of panic.

  “It was only a couple of weeks ago that I left to visit my parents. Now this? We haven’t really had a lot of time to spend together recently. Maybe it would be better if I stuck around for when you could take a break.”

  “Veronica, I’ll be fine. You’re going,” I insist, reaching up with one hand to grip her waist. It isn’t until after I say the words that I realize that this will be the last Labor Day weekend she’ll be spending with the family. She doesn’t know it yet, but she needs this time away just as much as I do. Taking hold of the opposite side of her waist, I position her in front of me, so that she’s standing between my legs. Looking up at her with honest sincerity, I tell her, “I want you to go. They’ll want you there. Besides, I know how much you enjoy the beach house this time of year.”

  “I do,” she says on a sigh, running her fingers through my hair again.

  “Then it’s settled.”

  She stares at me for a second and then sits herself in my lap, resting her arms around my shoulders. When she presses a kiss to my lips, I kiss her back, pulling away before she does.

  “I’ll miss you.”

  “You’ll have a good time,” I reply.

  I deliver another short kiss, intending only to bring this conversation to an end, but she leans into me. When she flicks out her tongue, I indulge her, wishing not to appear cold. It’s not long before I can tell where she wants this to go. I feel guilty denying her. I know, without me, she won’t find the relief she’s after, while I was fully satisfied
this morning—but I made Blaine a promise, and I won’t go back on my word.

  “I can’t, babe. Not tonight,” I mutter, slowing down our kiss. “Besides, you have to finish packing. Your flight leaves early tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. You’re right,” she concedes, touching her forehead to mine.

  “I should go give Lawrence a call.”

  Raking her fingers through her hair, she murmurs, “Oh, that’s right.”

  I offer her a small smile. It’s the best I can give. To cover my tracks, I’ve decided to tell her half of the truth. While she thinks that I’ll be locked away working all weekend, I told her I wouldn’t be doing it here at the mansion. Lawrence has a cabin up in Vail. I told her he intended to lend me his space for peace and quiet. Seeing as it is a holiday, the excuse of getting out of the city felt like a good one to fall back on. All that she doesn’t know is that I won’t be alone.

  “Don’t stay down there too long,” she insists, checking the time on the alarm clock as she stands from my lap.

  I see that it’s a few minutes past eight, and my first thought is to wonder when Blaine will be taking her break tonight.

  “I’ll be back up in a bit,” I assure her, pulling my phone from my pocket as I take my leave.

  Blaine

  MY PHONE VIBRATES from my back pocket, and I smile as I pour the cocktail from the shaker into the martini glass in front of me. Something tells me that it’s Michael, and just the thought of him makes me stupidly happy.

  We’ve had the most amazing week and a half. After he took the key, he kept his promise. Every morning, outside of Sunday when he goes to church with his family, he lets himself into my loft not long after four a.m. Occasionally, he’ll hold me for an hour before he gets up and goes for a short run. When he’s finished, he then comes back to get ready for his day, always kissing me goodbye before he leaves. Those mornings, it seems I can’t really fall asleep until after he’s left, too anxious for any and all time with him. Mostly, though, I’m more than happy to be coaxed out of sleep for a different kind of exercise. On those mornings, we’ll play for as long as we can, after which I fall into a deep, restful sleep while he gets dressed for work.

  It’s not perfect, but it’s a routine that belongs to us. For now, I won’t take it for granted.

  I’ve been looking forward to our weekend plans since the moment I ensured my time off. Dodger was able to cover my shifts on Friday and Sunday, regardless of the fact that that meant he wouldn’t get a day off for two weeks straight, and I worked it out for my boss to schedule me off on Monday. Even though I’ll only be gone for three nights, I’ve been slowly packing all week. I also may have made a trip to Victoria’s Secret to up my underwear game for the holiday. This is the first time I’ve ever had plans to go away with my boyfriend before. Of course, Mateo and I went out of town a couple of times, but it was never a romantic getaway so much as it was a weekend meant to be spent with friends.

  I deliver the drink I was making before refilling another patron’s beer. Finally having a moment to spare, I make my way toward the register, turning my back before pulling out my phone. When I see a message waiting for me from My Forever, my smile from before returns.

  That’s what he is to me. I’m sure of it. I’ll never love another as much as I love him. Never.

  Unlocking my screen, I pull up his text, reading it quickly.

  Don’t forget the rope, angel. We’ll be needing it.

  I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek, willing my body to remain calm. I can’t manage to stop the shiver that races up my spine as my stomach clenches, and I can only hope to keep a blush from blossoming across my cheeks as I type out my reply.

  Tossed them in my bag after you got in the shower this morning. One step ahead of you, baby.

  I wait a second to see if he’s able to respond right away, and a grin breaks out across my face when my phone vibrates with his reply seconds later.

  My angel is kinky.

  Only at the hands of her governor…

  I love you.

  My heart melts, and I’m quick to respond. Only Michael would talk dirty to me one second, and be completely sweet to me the next.

  I love you so, so, so much!!!! I can’t wait for tomorrow.

  I’ll pick you up at two.

  I’ll be ready.

  Night, angel.

  Night, baby. xoxo

  “So, when am I going to get to meet this guy?”

  My head snaps up in surprise, and my heart leaps when I realize Dodger is leaning against the back counter not even a foot away from me.

  “Shit, Dodge—you scared me,” I whisper, sliding my phone back into my pocket.

  He grins at me, folding his arms across his chest before he asks, “Well? Mystery boyfriend can’t stay a mystery forever—especially not if he makes you smile like that. I’ve never seen you this happy, B.”

  I shrug, not denying his observation as I admit, “Me neither.”

  “So? Date and time. Hope and I will be there.”

  “Soon. I’ll tell you more about him soon. I just—things are still a little complicated,” I state, my understatement so grand that it feels like a lie. “Anyway, we’re not entirely official. I want to wait. I want to wait until we are.”

  “All right, I get it.”

  “What about you?” I ask, nudging his leg with my knee. Wanting to shift the conversation off of me and onto him, I question, “What’s with you working all of these hours? You’re saving for something. What is it?”

  His grin stretches even wider, his dark eyes dancing with excitement as he vaguely answers. “It’s time.”

  “Time for what?”

  “Time to get my shit together and pop the question.”

  I gasp so loudly it sounds like a shriek. I clap both hands over my mouth, chancing a quick glance behind me to see if I’ve disturbed anyone with my outburst. I don’t get a good look, too distracted by Dodger’s laughter.

  Joining in with my own amusement, I playfully smack his chest before I mutter, “I can’t believe you’ve been holding out on me.”

  Lifting a single eyebrow, he counters, “You really want to go there? Miss Mystery Boyfriend.”

  “This is so not the same thing. This is Hope! Oh, my god—she’s going to say yes.”

  “She better,” he chuckles.

  Sobering up a bit, I think about the two of them. They’ve been together for a while now, having met only a couple months before Mateo and I first got together. It’s pretty obvious that they’re an almost perfect match, and I know they’ve loved each other through good times and not so great ones, too.

  “In all seriousness, I’m truly happy for you. I think that’s great news.”

  “Thanks, B.”

  Someone catches his attention and he pats me on the shoulder before getting back to work. I watch him go and then check on my guests, as well. For the rest of the night, my thoughts are all over the place. Between my weekend with Michael and Dodger’s news of wishing to get married, I can’t keep my ideas from bouncing all over the place. In the back of my mind, I know that my trip to Vail isn’t just an excuse to get out of town. I know that it’s for us—for Michael and myself—but it’s also for Governor Cavanaugh. He promised me that as soon as we got back, he was going to start the delicate processes of making it so that we could be together. For real.

  At the end of my shift, I’m completely drained. Even still, all the way home, I can’t shove aside my thoughts of the future. For a while now, I’ve felt as though my future was this illusive place with undiscovered dreams. Since graduating college, it’s felt too daunting to think too hard about it. Facing one day at a time has been my tactic for the last couple of years; but with Michael, it’s different. With Michael, I’m not afraid to dream.

  Logically speaking, that doesn’t make much sense. There’s so much about our future that is unknown. As Simone told me, there are variables that we’re up against, variables that we’re not in control of�
�variables that could play a part in where we go and how we get there. We’re having an affair, for Christ’s sake. Except, none of that matters to me. None of that scares me. Michael is my future. The woman I want to be, the life that I wish to have, they don’t exist without him. My love. My forever.

  SINCE I KNOW IT’LL take us a couple of hours to drive to Vail, and I imagine we’ll be laying low for the evening, I decide to keep my travel attire casual. After towel drying my hair and slathering my body in lotion, I make my way to the closet to dress in the clothes I set out the day before. I giggle to myself when I realize just about all of it is new—my black, holey, skinny jeans, my ankle bracelet, and black gladiator sandals being the exceptions.

  I slip into my dark pink, lacey, cheeky panties and matching sheer bra, hoping that Michael will appreciate them. When my jeans are on and cuffed at the bottom, I toss my newest t-shirt over my head. It’s gray, the red letters on the front reading: Harvard Law. Right below that, in smaller font, it says: Just Kidding. The moment I saw it, I knew I had to have it. It arrived the day before yesterday—just in time. It’s got a deep V-neck, showing off a generous amount of my chest, and it hangs loosely around my frame. I opt to add a last minute accessary and throw on a simple necklace to complete the outfit.

  I then set my shoes outside the closet, beside my small carry-on bag, and head for the coffee table, where I abandoned my phone. Making myself comfortable on the couch, I reach for the device and pull up dad’s number, hitting call without a second thought. He took today off, so that he could enjoy a four-day weekend. He’s probably out shopping for food and supplies for his fishing trip tomorrow with some of the guys, which is why he doesn’t answer until after the fourth ring.