by J. Lea
I’ll take Gavin up on his offer for drinks despite my initial hesitation. If nothing else, I’ll spend a nice evening with a man who appreciates me and enjoys my company. Besides, it’ll give me a chance to get out of the house and distance myself from Connor. He got under my skin. Gavin knows I’m not looking for a relationship, and he’s fine with that. We’re just going out as friends, no expectations. I need friends in my life.
While Connor makes everything perfect for Ava, I go find his little girl who still hasn’t left the inflatable castle. She’s holding hands with Drake, bouncing around, shrieking with laughter, completely drenched in sweat.
“Ava, the cake is ready for you to blow the candles out. Are you coming?”
“Yesss!” she yells. “Come with me, Drake, you’ll help me.” Drake follows her outside immediately. They look adorable together. Why is everything so simple when you are a kid? I wish it were the same for grown-ups. Ava and Drake stop at the cake, and I move to the side. This is a family event, I remind myself.
“Keep your nasty claws away from Connor.” Someone hisses in my direction, and lo and behold, Dana stands to my left, leveling me with a contemptuous, haughty glare. A glass of wine in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. “He’s mine. Or do you need a reminder?”
“How many times do I need to tell you there’s nothing between Connor and me?” I raise my voice, getting irritated. There’s only so much more I can take from her.
Dana takes a drag from her cigarette and blows a puff of smoke in my face. “You think I’m a fool? I see the way you look at him, constantly following him around like a lovesick puppy,” she fumes. “I’m sick of it. Stay away from him, I mean it.”
“You’re imagining things. We’re friends.” Even though I’m still pissed at him for what he said to me, he’s still my friend.
“I don’t even want you being friends with him, get it? He has enough friends.” She levels me with a glare. “Stay away from him, bitch. Do you understand?” She deliberately slams her shoulder into my side, making me bump into the door fame as she walks past me.
“What was that?” Gavin shows up from nowhere, rubbing my shoulder where she bumped into me, frowning.
“Nothing you should be worried about.” I give him a small smile. “By the way, let’s go out for drinks sometime this week.” Gavin’s mouth spreads into a wide grin, revealing his white teeth.
“Really? That’s great.”
With the corner of my eye, I see Connor watching us, his brow furrowed. Not to be bothered by his strange behavior, I turn away from him, directing all my attention to Gavin. Especially since Dana is rubbing herself all over him.
Kids gather around the birthday cake to sing Happy Birthday for Ava, and Dolores takes a million pictures in the meantime. Drake leans over to the cake, almost falling into it, face forward.
“Ugh, I think I better get there before Drake ruins the cake. I’ll come find you later, okay?” Gavin gently rubs my palm.
“Okay. See you later.”
Connor fishes a lighter from his jeans pocket and starts lighting the candles. As soon as the flame comes to life, I shiver. My heart starts to pound furiously, making me feel like I’m suffocating. My hands are trembling. Flame. The flame. It’s there, I see it. A tiny flame leads to a fire, and fire leads to destruction. No, no. Oh, God, not now, please. A wave of terror washes over me, and my head starts spinning, making me want to throw up.
“Everly?” Connor’s confused call comes from a distance.
Trying really hard to banish the bad memories from my mind, I squeeze my eyes shut. Breathe, Everly. Just breathe. One breath at the time. But it’s not working. My heart is beating so fast it almost feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest. I can’t get the image of that flame out of my head.
“No!” I cry out and run inside, up the stairs to my room. I can’t seem to get enough air in my lungs. Breathe, breathe, I chant to myself, but the pain in my chest is excruciating. I can’t do this, I can’t. Gripping the edges of the dresser hard, I try to focus on the breathing, try to calm myself down, but I can’t stop shaking as I slide down to the floor.
“Everly!” the door shakes with heavy knocks. “What’s going on?” I want to ask Connor to stay away, but my voice doesn’t seem to work as I’m grasping for air. “I’m coming in.” He throws the door open, rushing inside. He falls to his knees right in front of me, his eyes full of concern. “What’s wrong?” He cups my face, trying to calm me down, running his thumb over my cheek while I rock back and forth.
Flame.
Fire.
Devastation.
Emptiness.
“I can’t … It won’t—” I stammer.
“Shhh, calm down,” his voice is thick with worry. He cradles me in his arms and rocks with me. “Shit, Everly, I don’t know what to do.” There’s a panic in his voice. “Please tell me how I can help.” He sounds desperate.
“I’ll be … fine …” Just breathe, slowly, one, two, three. In, out. “Just need … take … a breath.”
“Yes, breathe.” His presence actually helps me with my panic attack.
After what seems like an eternity – I’m not even sure how much time has passed – I finally calm down and manage to cast a glance at him, embarrassed. His lips touch my forehead, tickling my skin with his stubble, not letting me go. It feels so good being so close to him.
“Are … God, I’m sorry,” I utter. “I just …” I move to my feet, walking to my bed, still wobbly and shaken up. “Did I ruin Ava’s party?” I ask as I collapse on the mattress.
Connor joins me, covering my hand with his. Our eyes meet. “You didn’t ruin anything. Everybody’s too busy stuffing their mouths with cake. What was that? What happened? I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
“I don’t know,” I flat out lie, even though I’m sure he knows that. “When I saw the flames on the candles, I panicked. It freaked me out, that’s all.”
“That’s bullshit, and we both know it. It was much more than some fear of fire. You looked like you’re going to jump out of your skin. I almost called 911.”
“I’m fine, everything’s fine now.” I dismiss him by removing my hand from his, wishing he’d stop prodding.
“I don’t buy that, not even for a second.” His gaze is locked on mine. Walking out to the balcony, I grab onto the railing. My eyes firm on blue ocean in the distance. “Everly, please, talk to me. I’m worried.” The soft whisper of his voice, the desperation I hear, cuts deep into my heart as he follows me.
I’m the one to touch his hand this time. Looking into his eyes, I say, “I’m fine, Connor, really. I appreciate your concern, but I just need some time to myself if you don’t mind.” I’m still mad at him, but right now I’m too embarrassed to think about it.
Connor hesitates. “You sure? I can stay.”
“Positive.” I can barely fight the tears that threaten to spill. “Please, just go.” I don’t know what hurts more, the words he said earlier to me or the look on his face right now.
His jaw clenches, his gaze drops to my wrist, unblinking. With a flinch, I hide my hand behind my back and turn away from him, a clear sign I want him gone. All I hear is the light click of my door when he closes it, leaving his scent behind.
After that, I don’t leave my room. I know Connor doesn’t have any plans to go anywhere after the party but clean the mess left behind, so I avoid him and remain in the safety of my room. I’m terrified to face him and Dolores; I know I owe them an explanation.
Later that evening, when the kids’ laughter and the talking have long quieted down, a soft knock cuts off my thoughts. “Can I come in?” Connor’s muffled voice comes from the other side of the door.
“Sure,” I respond and stop playing with my bracelet.
His large figure fills the room, looking concerned and uncomfortable, rubbing his stubble. “I’ve come to check up on you.”
“I’m fine.” And I really am. I spent the afternoon
doing yoga and meditating, like always when I feel like the world is collapsing on top of me, and I can’t breathe. I even called Dr. Finn and made an appointment with her. A deafening silence is making me uncomfortable. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You’re sorry?” He looks taken aback. “What for? You didn’t do anything. I’m the one who should be apologizing.” Connor sits next to me.
“Well, I almost ruined Ava’s birthday party with my outburst.” I feel so stupid.
“No, you didn’t. Hardly anyone noticed.”
“You noticed,” my eyes shift to his.
“Yes, I did. I notice a lot of things about you.” He gulps, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “You scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know what to do. I felt so helpless.”
“There was nothing you could do. It’s just my stupid fear of fire. I didn’t realize seeing lit candles would send me into a panic mode and create a mess. I just…” Saw my past which was anything but pleasant, but I can’t tell him that.
“What?” he encourages me, his eyes pleading.
“I can’t describe it.” My voice is flat, telling another lie. I can describe it all too well. “It caught me off guard, and I couldn’t breathe, that’s why I ran upstairs. I didn’t want to scare anyone.”
“Has anything like that ever happened before?”
“Yes, but that was years ago. I really thought this irrational fear of fire would be gone by now. I guess I was wrong.” I make a face, but offer Connor a small smile. “Did they like the cake?”
“You’re changing topics again.”
I shrug. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Why?” He pinches his eyebrows together in frustration.
“I just don’t, okay? Please, let it go or leave. I’m fine now, and that’s the most important thing.”
Connor nods slowly. “Well, Ava had two slices, it was that good.” The air between us is thick with tension.
“Great.” More uncomfortable silence. I know I’m the one to blame for this, that’s why I can’t look into his eyes. I wish the earth would open up and swallow me whole.
“I’m sorry for before when I said you weren’t right for Gavin,” Connor eventually breaks the silence. “You can go out with whomever you wish. That was really shitty of me to say, and I regret it. I really didn’t mean it the way it came out. I was out of line, and it won’t happen again, I promise.” The tone of his voice tells me he’s being serious.
“Thank you.” My gaze falls to his full lips.
“Wanna eat something? There are some pizza and grilled meat leftovers in the kitchen. Dolores, Carlos, and Ava are already downstairs waiting.”
I’d rather not, but I’m starving. “Sure,” I reply and take my time getting up from the bed to delay the unavoidable, which is facing them.
“Evi!” Ava squeals as soon as she sees me, running to meet me. She wraps her little hands around me. “Cake was delicious. I told grandma she has to save a piece for you.”
“Thanks, sweetie.” I kiss the top of her head, and look up to see Carlos and Dolores gathered at the table, looking at me. They give me comforting smiles.
“We were worried about you. Connor said you weren’t feeling well and went to your room to rest.” Dolores waves her hand for me to join them.
I turn to Connor, raising my eyebrows slightly in a silent question. He gives me a small head shake, confirming he didn’t tell them about my panic attack. Knowing this makes me feel much better, and I squeeze his hand, grateful he had my back.
“I’m better now, thanks. A couple of hours of sleep helped, and now I’m as good as new.”
A week after my panic attack, the only people who know about my little episode are Connor, who thankfully didn’t tell anyone else, and Dr. Finn, whom I finally visited.
She seems pleasant and doesn’t prod, occasionally asking a question, but otherwise lets me do the talking. I have a feeling I’ll be able to make progress with her help, but it’s still going to take some time to get used to her. After all, Dr. Cain was my therapist for years, and it took us a while to establish a mutually trusting relationship.
After a long time, I also have a date with someone other than Amber. Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it a date, more like an outing with a friend. That said, I’m still a big bundle of nerves, if my nails weren’t freshly painted, I’d bite them down to nothing. Gavin is a man I could see myself with if I was interested in a relationship. He’s charming, polite, well-dressed, and handsome with a steady job, and he loves kids. More importantly, he makes me laugh. These are the qualities I’ve always liked in a man. But I don’t feel butterflies when I’m talking to him, which is actually a good thing. Friendship is good. It’s safe.
I’m wearing very little make-up, just one coat of mascara and a smidge of lipstick. I put on a floral halter dress that looks sexy because it gives a little sneak peek of my cleavage, but still leaves most of it to the imagination. Slipping a few black bangle bracelets on my wrist, I check myself in the mirror. Subdued and elegant. Completely appropriate for a night out with a friend. I haven’t decided on the shoes yet, I’m torn between black strappy high heel sandals and simple black pumps. Wearing one of each, I’m frowning at myself in the mirror. Suddenly, the door to my room bursts open, and Ava comes barreling in like a hurricane. She jumps on my bed, excited.
“Wow, you look pretty.”
Knock, knock, sounds a few seconds later, Connor’s head pokes inside the room. His eyes are shut tight. “You decent?”
I laugh, inviting him inside. “All dressed except for the shoes.”
“Sorry for barging in, but Ava insisted. She wanted to see you.”
“Daddy!” Ava admonishes him. “That’s not true. You told me to go see her.”
Connor rubs his hand over his nape. Looking a little embarrassed, he clears his throat. “Well, we thought you might need some help or something.”
“Oooh, Evi, you have beautiful bracelets. Can I wear them?” One is already around her wrist, and she’s admiring herself in the mirror.
“Ava, don’t touch that, it’s not yours,” Connor scolds her.
“It’s okay.” I place a hand on his arm. “She can play with them. They aren’t valuable.” His eyes drop to where my hand is touching him, then his gaze locks with mine. The usual fire is missing from his eyes, he looks conflicted about something. Clearing my throat, I let go of him and busy myself with smoothing out the nonexistent wrinkles on my dress. God, this is awkward. Connor’s head tilts to the side, and my lips start tingling under his intensive gaze. I fidget with my bracelets, and try not to give much thought to what his heated gaze is doing to my insides. I wish he wasn’t so gruff and sexy as hell. I wish his scent wasn’t so intoxicating, making my head spin.
“You should wear those strappy sandals. They make your legs even longer.” He gestures a hand casually, and I stare at him like an idiot. “Just saying.” He shrugs, shoving his hands in his jean pockets. With a nod I tuck a strand hair behind my ear.
“Okay, sandals it is,” I manage to say, probably too cheerfully, and busy myself with putting the other shoe on.
“What do you say, Ava? Do I look okay?” I spin around with my arms outstretched.
“Yes! You look very pretty,” her voice soft and her eyes adoring. “Right, Daddy?”
His eyes shift to mine nodding silently and looking uncomfortable. “Why don’t we leave Everly to finish getting ready in peace?” Ava protests, but he leads her out of the room anyway. “Have fun on your date,” he adds before closing the door behind him.
“It’s not a date,” I say, even though he can’t hear me anymore. Taking a deep breath, I plop on the bed. God, this doesn’t feel right somehow.
Connor is watching TV when I join him downstairs, not paying attention to me.
“When is he picking you up?” I was just about to open the door to sneak out when his voice stops me in my tracks.
“In about ten minutes or so.”
&
nbsp; He nods curtly, not looking at me at all. “Have fun.”
“We’re just going out as friends.” I don’t know why, but I want him to know that.
“Okay. Do you know where you’ll be going?” Now I frown at him. What’s with all the questions? “In case you need a ride home,” he adds.
“Oh, we won’t be gone for long, and Gavin’s going to drive me home anyway.” He’s acting really weird, completely out of his character. I’m not used to seeing him like this. Is it possible he’s jealous? No, I dismiss that thought immediately. Who knows what’s going on inside his head? Not me, that’s for sure.
“All right then.” Connor gets up and walks up to me. “You really do look beautiful. I’m sure you’ll take Gavin’s breath away,” he remarks as I step outside.
“Thanks.” I flash him a small smile, fidgeting. “Well, see you later,” I say with a wave, closing the door after me. Taking a deep breath once I’m alone, I lean against the door. What’s with the sudden tension between us? It’s so thick one could cut it with a knife. And it’s been getting even more intense lately. I don’t like it. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t want things between us to change.
A couple of minutes later, a grey Range Rover drives up the driveway. Gavin steps out of the car, looking handsome in a black suit and a tie.
“Hi, Everly,” he grins. “You look incredible.” Placing a kiss on both of my cheeks, and with a hand on the small of my back, he leads me to his car.
In the days that follow, Gavin and I spend more time together. He’s attentive, sensitive, talkative, and he makes me feel comfortable and safe. I already feel like I’ve known him for years, not just mere weeks. Even though I try to entertain the idea we could take things further, I immediately discard the thought; I don’t get butterflies when we’re together, and my heart doesn’t beat fast when I’m around him. Not like with Connor. When I’m with Connor everything in me awakens.