“What’s going on out there?” Mamm asked when Katie walked in.
“Mabel’s mourning her loss of Mose, and Jesse’s comforting her. I tried, but I only made things worse.”
Mamm looked relieved. “No Mose then?”
Katie shook her head. “I think I’ll go to bed.”
“How are you and Ben getting along?” Mamm asked.
The words burst out before she could stop them. “He kissed me, Mamm! For the first time. And it was so wunderbah.”
Mamm smiled a little. “I’m glad to hear it’s going well. Still, I wish you wouldn’t rush things.”
Katie hesitated. “Believe me, Mamm. Ben isn’t who you think he is.”
Mamm didn’t say anything for a moment. “I hope everything turns out okay for you, Katie. And if it doesn’t, remember Da Hah will always see you through. Just be very careful of giving your heart away.”
“You still don’t trust Ben?”
Mamm shrugged. “I’ve decided to leave my feelings about Ben up to Da Hah. Ben seems like a nice enough boy. I’m just waiting, watching, and praying for you.”
Katie went over and gave Mamm a big hug. “I’m so scared one minute, and so happy the next. Well, mostly happy. Do you think I’m biting off too much with this trip?”
“Nee, that I have no doubts about,” Mamm assured her. “Nothing but gut can come out of a trip to the land of our faith. Be sure to see and learn as much as you can so you can tell us about it all when you come back.”
“The Mennonite girls are going to take cameras. Will you look at their pictures?”
Mamm shook her head. “No pictures, Katie. Just remember in your mind or write out what you see. That’s the way of our people. From your words will come images much greater than from the Englisha man’s camera. Our forefathers didn’t need those things to believe.”
Katie hung her head. “I’m sorry I brought it up, Mamm. I won’t be bringing home any pictures then. Ben also wants me to tell him what I see and hear. So now I have two people to write for and remember.”
“You will have many more than two people,” Mamm said. “I’m expecting a lot of our women will wish to hear about what you’re going to see. Perhaps you can share at the women’s sewing sometime.”
“At the sewing?” Katie repeated. That was too much to comprehend. Not that long ago she’d been a nobody, and now Mamm was talking of her sharing with the women at the sewing. Ruth Troyer and Mabel would melt her with their glares. It was a wonder that Mamm had even started going to the sewings. And somehow the women were accepting her, to hear Mamm tell it.
Mamm must have noticed her discomfort. “We’ll deal with that when the time comes, Katie. Right now we take each day as it comes up. You’ll do okay.”
Katie nodded and slipped upstairs. A light shone briefly from the barn door when she peeked out the window, then it blinked out. Two forms came across the lawn, walking close together. Jesse must have succeeded in comforting his daughter, just as Mamm had given her encouragement.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Katie nestled against Ben’s shoulder as they drove toward home on a May night. They both listened to the steady drum of Longstreet’s hooves on the pavement. Ben hadn’t said anything since they left the youth gathering. This was the last one she would attend before leaving for Europe on Monday. Though Ben had been his usual jolly self all evening, now he seemed a little sad.
“Is anything wrong?” Katie looked up at his face in the darkness.
Ben smiled down on her. “No, I was just thinking about your leaving. You’ve come to mean a lot to me.”
“Ben, you mean a lot to me too. I’ll only be gone several weeks.”
“Those will seem like years.”
Katie laughed. “I suppose so. I know I’ll miss you terribly. Although I’ll be so busy being scared that I might not think of much else for awhile.”
Ben took her hand. “You’ll be just fine. I know you will. And you’ll come back a completely different person. You might not even wish to speak with me again.”
Katie slapped him on the arm. “Stop teasing. You know that won’t be true.”
Ben laughed. “You’ll do okay. Don’t worry.”
Katie nestled tighter against Ben’s shoulder and watched Longstreet’s smooth gait float across the pavement.
“Can you believe this moment? You and me together?” Katie said, breaking the peaceful silence.
Ben squeezed her hand. “I’m just thankful you drive around with me. You do me a lot of gut, Katie.”
Katie rubbed her cheek against Ben’s shoulder. “It’s not like that at all. I remember a day when you drove right past me on the road and never even noticed me.”
Ben touched her hand. “I guess I was in my own little world, Katie. I’m just glad you finally caught my attention.”
When Katie didn’t say anything, Ben continued. “I’m not embarrassing you, am I?”
Katie smiled. “Yah, a little. But I like it.”
“I think you look cute when you’re embarrassed.”
Katie looked up at him, his handsome face highlighted against the starlit sky.
“Will you write to me while you’re in Europe?” he asked.
“Of course I will,” Katie said. “But I might be home before some of the letters even arrive.”
“It won’t matter. I’ll read them even if you’re already back home. Be sure to write something—even a short little note would do. I’ll treasure them a lot, Katie.”
“I’ll miss you, Ben. You won’t be able to write since we’ll be moving around a lot. That’ll be hard on me.”
After a brief silence, Ben said, “Katie, what are we going to do when you get back?”
Katie didn’t dare look up at Ben. Was he about to propose? But he couldn’t! She was a little young at nineteen for marriage. Her next birthday wasn’t until October.
“I was thinking about the Mennonite Church.” Ben cleared his throat. “I thought I might join someday, but now I’m not so sure. I guess I’m not sure about much when it comes to faith. I was hoping things would clear up as we went along.”
Katie relaxed against Ben’s shoulder. “I’m staying Amish, and surely you’ll be doing the same thing.”
Ben sighed. “I know. So much of our life seems wrapped up with the Mennonite youth lately. I’m hoping you’ll find some answers that will clear everything up for me while you’re in Europe.”
Katie sat up straight. “I’m only going for a short trip, so don’t expect too much.”
“You might be surprised by what you’ll learn.” Ben smiled at her.
“I’ll be sure to tell you if I do, but I’m just a girl who’s also finding her way…although I know I’m staying Amish when all is said and done.”
“That’s what I like about you, Katie. You don’t make me feel rotten because of my doubts.”
Ben slowed Longstreet to turn into Jesse’s driveway. The house lay dark in front of them. Everyone was no doubt in bed. They were a little late getting back, but the evening had been worth it. There had been time for two volleyball games tonight. Ben had played beside her during both games, insisting even when Margaret had teased him about it.
“Here we are.” Ben brought Longstreet to a stop. “I was hoping the evening would never end.”
“Yah,” Katie agreed. And then she thought that surely tonight was the perfect night to ask. “Can we sit on the porch swing for a little while? I know it’s late, but we won’t be seeing each other for awhile.”
“I would love that.”
Ben climbed down from the buggy and tied Longstreet to the hitching post. He turned toward Katie and helped her down. Then he took her hand and they walked across the lawn in the starlight. Above the horizon the late moon was out, the three-quarters globe hanging low on the horizon. Before long it would flood the land with light. Already Katie could see Ben’s handsome face in the flickering shadows.
Ben followed her up the steps and waited until Ka
tie was seated on the swing before sitting beside her. The chains groaned in the still night air. Mamm and Jesse might hear that, Katie thought. But she smiled. They wouldn’t come out to disturb them, she was sure.
“It’s nice out here.” Ben moved the swing with his feet. The chains squawked, and he stopped.
Katie leaned against his shoulder. “You’re so sweet. You know that, don’t you?”
“I’ll miss you terribly, you know.”
Katie didn’t say anything as she nestled into his shoulder. She wanted to absorb this moment fully, sitting here on the swing with Ben. She had imagined this so many times, and now it was happening.
“Katie, I want you to know that I’m trying to get my life straightened out.” He found Katie’s hand in the darkness. “And you’re a very big part of that. I want you to know that.”
Katie was surprised at the change in Ben’s tone. “Ben, I can’t imagine that you have much to straighten out. You just need to resolve your doubts about the faith, that’s all. And I know that’s going to happen.”
“The truth is that I’ve done some things in my life that I shouldn’t have…that I’m ashamed of. These things are what I’m trying to make right.”
She looked up at him. “I can’t imagine you’ve done very many things wrong, Ben. You don’t seem like that type of person.”
He looked away. “I’m glad you think so, Katie. It makes me feel better, knowing that you care. But I’m far from perfect.”
“Did you ever date someone else, Ben? Is that it?” The question flashed through Katie’s mind. That was all she could think of that Ben might feel guilty about.
His voice grew tender. “I have, yah, but I never found someone as wunderbah as you.”
Katie reached up to find his face with her hands. His fingers gripped her wrists, as his head lowered toward hers. Katie held him for a long time, kissing him until he pulled away.
“You shouldn’t do that to me, Katie,” he said.
She didn’t answer as she reached for him again. He didn’t resist, and his fingers traced her face after their kiss this time.
“That’s enough, Katie,” he whispered after long moments had passed. “Jesse might come out and catch us.”
“I don’t care,” Katie replied, holding both of his hands. How did she ever have so much nerve, Katie wondered, kissing Ben like this on the front porch? It was as if great courage raced through her, drawing her heart toward his like a magnet. He did something for her no other boy ever had done or ever would do. She was certain of that. And unlike Mamm’s experiences with love, Da Hah was allowing her to walk where Mamm hadn’t been allowed to go with Daniel Kauffman.
Thank You! she almost whispered out loud. But if she did, Ben would think she was thanking him for the kiss, which didn’t seem quite right. Da Hah was the only one who should be properly thanked for this moment.
“I think I’d better be going.” Ben got to his feet.
Katie did too, and she followed him to the buggy.
They kissed again before he climbed in.
“Remember, I’ll be at the airport to see you off.” Ben spoke through the open buggy door as Longstreet dashed forward, anxious to get home.
Katie stepped back, watching until the buggy lights disappeared in the darkness. Ben was troubled about something. She realized that now that he was gone. His presence had kept the feeling at bay, but now she sensed it was something big…something important. But what could it be? Likely it was nothing more than Ben’s doubts about his faith. That was a weighty question, and one he would surely settle eventually. Ben would come through, she was sure. Katie slipped back across the lawn and went inside. Everything was dark and still, so they must not have disturbed anyone by sitting on the porch.
Back in her room, Katie knelt in the moonlight to pray. “I’m so thankful for the wunderbah time tonight with Ben, dear Hah. Thank You so much for letting me experience it. And help me with any sorrow You might decide needs to come our way. I really want to learn thankfulness in all things. Would You help me, please? Amen.”
Katie climbed into bed and lay awake for long minutes staring at the ceiling. What awful things might lie ahead of her if Da Hah answered her prayer by sending something troubling? Had she opened herself to great sorrow? Would there be sickness to endure? Would she and Ben marry only to have a child die? That would be too much to handle. Surely Da Hah would only give what she could take. The preachers always said that was how He worked.
With troubling thoughts still running through her head, Katie fell asleep.
Chapter Thirty
On the day of Katie’s departure for Europe, the van arrived soon after one o’clock for the trip to the Philadelphia International Airport. Margaret’s mother, Nelly, was driving. Nancy and Sharon had already been picked up, and the suitcases of the three girls were piled high in the luggage compartment.
Katie heard them drive in, and she gave Mamm one last hug.
“Make it gut,” Mamm said, wiping her eyes. “And don’t forget to pull your suitcase on its wheels.”
“Don’t you want to come out and say goodbye?” Katie asked.
“I’d better stay inside,” Mamm said. “I’ve not been around Mennonite women that much.”
“I love you, Mamm. I guess I’ll be going.” Katie pressed her lips together as her eyes stung. The last thing she needed was to break down in front of Mabel, who was watching this scene without emotion. At least she hadn’t been scowling all morning, which was something to be thankful for.
“Don’t enjoy yourself too much,” Mabel said, a hint of a smirk on her face.
Katie tried to smile as she rushed toward the door, giving a quick wave over her shoulder. Maybe Mabel’s heart would soften while she was away. That would be a miracle in itself! But she mustn’t limit Da Hah’s work by doubting. Greater things had already happened in her life. Maybe they could start a fresh relationship when she returned.
“Good afternoon!” Nelly sang out from the driver’s seat as Katie approached the van. “The big moment has arrived.”
“Gut afternoon,” Katie greeted them all, overcome for a moment with her old shyness. Katie lifted her suitcase into the van, deposited it on top of the others, and settled into her seat, keeping her carry-on with her. She buckled her seat belt as she said “hi” to Margaret, Sharon, and Nancy.
Nelly pulled the van forward, and Katie waved out the window. Mamm had come out onto the porch and was waving back.
“You have a nice mother there,” Margaret commented.
Nancy agreed. “It must be good to leave with your Mamm’s blessing on such a big trip.”
“Yah,” Katie said. “I’ve had many blessings lately, and this trip is one of them!”
“Well, I’ve sure been blessed that all of you have agreed to come along,” Nancy said. “I’ve wanted to make this trip for so long, but I never imagined three such great traveling companions would accompany me. I think it’s going to be the trip of a lifetime.”
Katie felt a shiver run through her. “I’ve never even flown on an airplane before. I’m a little nervous.”
“Neither has Margaret,” Nelly said at once, an encouraging note in her voice. “You’ll do fine.”
“Mom!” Margaret protested. “You don’t have to tell all my secrets.”
“It’s no shame flying for the first time,” Nelly assured her daughter, taking a quick glance in Sharon’s direction. “Have you flown before?”
Sharon nodded. “Out west once when our family went to Colorado. But that wasn’t crossing an ocean.”
“Then it’s a first for most of you,” Nelly chirped. “And don’t worry! It’ll be fun.”
With the talk of the plane ride out of the way, the girls chattered as the miles passed. Nelly had the van out on the interstate toward Philadelphia a few minutes after half-past two.
Katie’s mind wandered to Ben. He’d promised to be at the airport to see her off. Wasn’t that a ways for him to go just for that?
The goodbye the other night and again on Sunday would have been fine with her. But that was how Ben was. So nice and always going out of his way to make her feel special. He’d said his carpentry crew was working away from home this week on a job near Philly. He would have the driver take him over to see her off. His boss not only allowed this, Ben had assured her, he even thought it was a good idea. The boss was apparently the romantic sort. Katie smiled at the thought. Ben was the real romantic.
A thought flitted through Katie’s mind. What would the other girls think when Ben showed up? She hadn’t thought of that before. All of them appeared to have made their goodbyes to loved ones at home. Maybe she ought to say something so they wouldn’t be too surprised. Katie didn’t ponder the question long. “Ben Stoll said he was coming to see me off at the airport. I hope that’s not a problem.”
Nancy’s face lit up with a smile. “He’s your boyfriend, right? The one who brings you to the youth gatherings?”
“Yah,” Katie said. The admission sent a thrill through her.
“Katie must be so special,” Margaret said, sounding like she was a little jealous. “You ought to see how that boy dotes on her. And he’s so handsome!”
Sharon giggled. “Margaret, you shouldn’t be jealous.”
“I’m not!” Margaret said, making a funny face at her friend. “I was just hoping Lonnie would catch a few hints. But he hasn’t so far.”
“We shouldn’t compare among ourselves,” Nancy said, sounding quite wise. “Look at me. I’ve never even had a boy ask me home.”
“That’s because they don’t know what they’re missing,” Nelly said from the driver’s seat. “Boys nowadays don’t have the sense they did in my day. Back then Nancy would have a boyfriend already.”
“Nancy hasn’t met the right man yet,” Sharon spoke up. “Maybe she’ll meet him on this trip.”
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