by Fiona Murphy
Her gasp is loud in my ears. “Never with a guy or never ever?”
“Never, ever.”
“Holy shit, why not?”
“Because I didn’t even know they were supposed to exist until I was in college. By then it was so drummed into me it was a dirty, nasty thing to do to touch yourself I never even thought of it. Then the first time I had sex it hurt and was so uncomfortable I never wanted to do it again. When I tried again, it wasn’t much better. It just didn’t appeal.”
“But it appealed with Chris, didn’t it?”
Remembering the way my body responded to him, the wet heat flooding my core which had never happened before, I sigh. “Yes.”
My phone starts chiming with a flurry of notifications from my email. “Okay, I’m sending you some of the hottest, smuttiest stories you’ve ever read. I’m also sending you a link for the best porn site for women ever. They have several different videos without being scary, stick to the site. First, though, read the stories, then let your fingers do the walking.
“Do this, you owe this to yourself, leave Chris out of it for now. This is the ultimate in self-care. Orgasms are important, they make you happy, they make the world a better a place, they make you feel good. This is your body; own it. If you don’t know what feels good to you, what appeals to you, then how can you expect any man to?”
“A vibrator?” I spit out in shock as I see the bright pink recommendation she sent me.
“Already ordered for you, two, one with a vibrating clit stimulator and one without. They are on rush order and you should get them tomorrow by eight. As amazing as it feels to handle it yourself, after a few times your clit gets tender. Not so with your G-spot, which is what the vibes I’m sending you hit every time. Also, your clit is like a ten on the Richter scale; however, the G-spot is a twenty-five and it never gets sore. I’m also making sure to include a lube, always use the lube as the toys tend to dry out pretty quickly.”
“Oh my god.” I’m overwhelmed by the things in my email box.
Holly makes an angry noise. “Do you know the first thing Ethan said when he saw the pictures of you and Chris?”
I cringe. “What?”
“He said, ‘Finally.’ Finally, a guy was looking at you the same way you were looking at him. He was happy for you. Then in the next damn breath he was worried if you were up to it. I love you, but I’m a little tired of seeing the worry lines appear every time he thinks about you.
“Put your big girl panties on and figure this out for yourself. Take tonight, read the books, the ones you should have been reading for a while. Watch the porn if you need it. This is for you, about you. Then tomorrow put the books down and join the rest of us in the real world. I’m not telling you to jump into a casual hookup with Chris Baldwin, which I’m sure is all he’s looking for. I am going to ask you what would be so bad about it? Think about it tomorrow though, not tonight.”
“Okay.”
“I love you, have fun. We’ll talk soon.”
Holy crap, the stuff in my inbox is overwhelming. I can’t do this; this isn’t me. Holly’s words about our bump in the road stings. There was one thing I never told her about why I was a brat, I was jealous of her. Of the way Holly didn’t back down from going after Ethan when he was what she wanted. How even though Holly was heavier than me at the time, even though I made more money than her, she wasn’t jealous of me. Holly was proud of who she was. She didn’t look for anyone else to tell her she was good enough, she simply believed she was. I spent my whole life chasing perfection for even the smallest sign of approval from my parents and Ethan. I was jealous and resentful Holly didn’t seek approval from anyone; it didn’t even cross her mind.
I’ve gained control of my career, but in my personal life I’m rudderless, just drifting, ignoring how empty my life is by filling it with work. Now’s the time to take the reins and figure it out. In fact, it’s long past time. Holly just told me how to do this, how to be like her. Fearless, going after what I want.
I want Chris even though I know he’s not a forever kind of guy. Finally admitting it is a relief. I want all his smiles with his dimples showing, the way he says my name in that slow drawl of his; I want him to deliver on the promise in his beautiful blue eyes. I want it all.
I grab my ereader, laptop, and phone and take them into my bedroom. There’s another email from Holly.
Okay, take a deep breath, remember this is good. This is healthy, this should be fun. Go get ready for bed, then when you’re done you’re going to go to bed naked. Yes, that’s right, pajamas and panties and bra, take it all off. Then I want you to download two stories right off the bat. Both books actually have multiple stories in them, it’s a thing writers are doing these days, whatever. My personal favorite is the first title I gave you, it has three stories in it, with each one getting progressively dirtier. Don’t think about the story, just read it and take it in. Once you are ready, go for it. Again, don’t think about anything except exactly what you are doing.
Easy for her to say, I think as I download the books she told me to. Both books are by the same writer, and I see she has a half dozen other books as well. With a shrug I buy them, they were only a dollar. I hurry through my shower, not washing my hair so it’s easier to braid. Then I get into bed carefully. I’ve never slept naked before; I usually wear panties and a cotton pajama top and either shorts or pants.
Sliding beneath the silky soft cotton sheets, my body reacts immediately at the new sensation. I pull up my sheet and thick comforter to keep out the chill. A few minutes of rearranging the pillows until I’m comfortable, then I tap my ereader to wake it up.
The first story is, um, stimulating, only I’m still too inhibited to give in to the idea of doing what Holly urged me to do. Until I get to the second story...holy crap. It’s so dirty, yet I’m so very wet, and they haven’t even made love. I’m squirming when the scenes finally play out, and as I take a deep breath, my hand slips below the sheets. Trying to focus on the story, not the embarrassment still flaring brightly in the back of my mind, my fingers find my hot wet center. Oh, everything is tender, sensitive, the nub already swollen—only the lightest touch has me gasping. If it weren’t for the description of what he’s doing to the woman in the story, I wouldn’t even know how to do this. Another swirl of my fingertips, again, again, more, again with more pressure and then oh, oh, yes.
As the trembling dies, I consider the experience. It was good...okay, better than good, a solid four stars. Except, the story made it seem amazing, stars exploding, toe-curling, and as good as it was, there were no stars. Hmm...I wonder if I did it right.
This time I read two more books, then find the two stories I like the best before I try again. Oh, oh yeah, this feels so much better. I float slowly down from the high, swimming in pleasure. It wasn’t just good, it was more like what Holly talked about. And yet, it still wasn’t as good as the book described, as good as when Chris pulled me against him and my whole body went up in flames. In several of the books the G-spot was mentioned. I wonder if I should try to find it, only I’m really tired and getting sore. I jump out of bed to use the restroom before going to sleep. I blush as I wipe, still in awe of what my body is capable of. I’m embarrassed not at what I did but at taking so long to do it. This is my body, my responsibility. I should have been taking care of it and myself better.
I’m still too shy to sleep naked, but I do leave my panties and pants off and only wear the soft sleepshirt.
10
Chris
The constant buzzing of my cell phone along the wood of the bedside table is aggravating as fuck. It’s the third fucking time, so I give up on the crap sleep I’ve been floating in and out of and snatch my phone from the table. I’m not surprised it’s Travis. “What?”
Silence for a few seconds. “I guess I have my answer on how things are going with Amelia Bishop. Interesting, as the last few photos had me wondering if you were done with the strippers for good. I liked this headline
best, ‘The bad boy and good girl.’ Fair warning, once again they labeled you as Mexican instead of Brazilian. You want me to sue them for you, since it’s not going well with you two?”
I roll onto my back, staring unseeing at the ceiling. “Like I give a shit what they label me. Fuck suing them. She cut, she ran. I’m not going to chase her. I haven’t chased pussy before, I’m not about to start now.”
“Really? Lunch three days in a row and flowers delivered to her office wasn’t you chasing her? Pick a different florist next time, someone in there waxed lyrical on you picking out the flowers and some ridiculous vase. Interesting. What did you do to fuck it up?”
Shaking my head, I sigh. Yeah, this was all my damn fault. A little more patience, a little more coaxing, and I would have had her. Instead, I let her push my buttons until I went off on her. I knew sending the flowers was a lost cause even as I did it. She kept the flowers though. I know she has them, and I’m pretty sure she’s looking at the broken vase too. “Why do lawyers have a problem with a truth?”
“Damn it, Chris, what did you say?”
“Doesn’t matter what I said. It’s over. A post-mortem isn’t necessary. I might not know what she’s like in the bedroom, but in the boardroom she’s a fucking cougar, she got me three and a half million. You should have seen her, she had them by the balls and just kept squeezing. It was a sight to behold. She made my cock hard.” I laugh at the memory. “Anyway, whatever, it’s done.”
“Sure, right. Did you ever give her a chance to tell her truth?”
“I tried to get her to talk, she didn’t want to. Drop it. Are you guys coming up to Scottsdale to hang out for spring training this year or not?”
Travis sighs, then lets it go. “I’m still not sure. Regina is worried about leaving Pamela alone to handle the salon. It might not be the two weeks we were hoping for, maybe a long weekend instead. I’ll talk to Regina again tonight.”
“Let me know. I need to go. I didn’t get in weight training yesterday. I’m running behind today.”
“Talk to you later.”
I end the call but don’t move. I lied. I’m in pain from how hard I worked out last night, or rather until two in the morning. During the off-season I still keep to a tight schedule of working out, batting practice, and even a few hours in my office going over my properties or checking in on my investments in the market. The weekend is a lighter time, with Saturday only a half hour run or sometimes just a walk and batting practice for two hours. Sunday is my sole day of rest and complete relaxation.
Last Saturday I spent four hours in batting practice in the basement. This is my last season—I want to retire with my RBI over 2,000 and my hits over 3,500. As of the end of last season my RBI is 1936, and my hits are at 2,994. I should be spending another four hours downstairs, but right now I don’t give a fuck about batting practice. I roll off the bed into the bathroom to turn on the tub. Trent texts me, asking what I’m up to, am I up to hit the strip club for a few hours. The strip club...beautiful women who wanted to fuck, were desperate for my cock, who knew what they wanted and weren’t afraid to ask for it. I barely finish the thought before I’m shaking my head. My no is simple. Trent leaves it alone.
Slipping into the tub, I turn on the jets and tune out the world.
***
Amelia
I stare at my screen, at a loss as to what the hell I’m reading. With a sigh, I’m up out of my chair wandering my office, again. This is ridiculous, I’m useless. Even the thought of another ten minutes is torturous. Saturdays are usually my easy day, my catch-up day, but nothing about this day feels easy. I don’t want to be here, only I’m not sure where to go. Home alone with my thoughts does not appeal.
When I woke up this morning, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I was going to do whatever it took to get Chris to forgive me and give me another chance. I would bare my soul, share every secret, tell him everything inside my head, well, except that—Chris doesn’t want to know I’m in love with him. I’m not sure I want to know it. I’m hoping I’m wrong, that it’s not love, it’s lust, it’s infatuation, except I’m pretty sure I’m not wrong. And that’s what’s keeping me from going to him. How am I supposed to be as honest with him as he demanded without telling him I’m in love with him? I know I’m not well-versed in this whole relationship thing, but it seems like a pretty huge thing to leave out.
Holly’s ringtone bursts from my phone. Oh thank god. I practically run across the room to answer it. “Hello?”
“Hey hon, it’s Ethan.”
“Hi.”
He laughs. “Don’t sound so excited.”
“I—no, it’s just, I could really talk to Holly right now.”
“I kind of figured you would.” I gasp. “No worries, your secrets are safe with Holly. She didn’t tell me anything. I’m just concerned about you. You’re in a vulnerable place right now. Between the bullshit with Mom and Dad and you wanting to leave the firm, I’m worried you’re grasping at an easy answer to escape into, rather than handling the changes head-on.”
“How do you know I want to leave the firm?” I’m stunned.
“Give me some credit. I love you, I care about you, and I know when you’re pulling away. Are you thinking you’re finally free to be what you want because you don’t have to live up to Mom and Dad’s expectations?”
I don’t hesitate to lie. I’ll never tell Ethan it was the moment in the conference room with Susan. It wasn’t about him, it was about me. “Yes—I kept thinking if I was as good as you they would care about me the way they care about you. I don’t dislike law, but I’m not happy with sixty-hour workweeks. I don’t get the fulfillment you do. While I know it’s what I don’t want, I have no idea what I do want. I’m looking forward to taking some time to figure it out.
“While I love you and I appreciate you care about me, Chris is not an easy answer to anything. He is my answer though. I need you to respect my decision as well as my relationship with him. Which won’t be happening until you come back.”
The silence lasts so long my chest tightens. “Okay. I’m always here if you need me. Whether it’s for support or a shoulder to cry on later, I’m not going anywhere.”
I don’t miss his jibe about tears, which doesn’t make it easier to blink back the tears I have now. Ethan’s unwavering support and love is something I’ll never stop being grateful for. “Thank you. I love you.”
“Love you too. Here’s Holly.”
Holly sighs. “Are you okay? Has he guilted you into giving up Chris?”
“No, he made me realize even more that Chris is what I want. It’s just, Chris demanded I be honest with him, telling him everything I want and god, I don’t even know what he wants me to say. All I know is he wants me to be honest with him and myself, which I totally need to be, but I can’t tell him that I love him. He’s looking for fun and a fuck. If I tell him I’m in love with him, he’ll run as fast as he can.”
Her gasp is loud in my ear. “Are you sure?”
“One hundred percent, right down to my bones. What the hell do I do?”
“You just don’t tell him.”
“That’s it?”
“Pretty much. He’s never going to ask you if you are in love with him. The man will avoid the question like it’s the flu. You tell him you want his body, you tell him that you’re willing to take what he gives without asking for more. The hardest part will be sticking to it, because eventually you will want more. Just pretend he’s opposing counsel and don’t give in by asking for it—make him give it to you.”
“I don’t know. Where he’s concerned my brain cells overheat, causing them to malfunction.”
Holly laughs. “Oh, I know how that goes. Every time your brother gave me a hundred feet of room I had plans formulated, words rehearsed, then he’d get close and it all went poof. Don’t worry about it for now. You need to figure out how to get him to give you another chance. Any ideas?”
“I was kind of planning on going over
to his house and throwing myself on his mercy.”
“Oh god, I’m glad I called you first then. Sit down and take some notes.”
***
Chris
My cell ringing startles me. The fuck? It’s almost midnight. It’s Regina, and my anxiety kicks up. “Yeah, what’s up?”
“Good, you’re still awake.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
Tension eases inside. “Dude, what the fuck are you calling so late for then?”
“Quit being a baby, I was sure you’d be awake. Insomnia.”
It’s not a question. “How’d you know I’d have insomnia tonight?” I toss my book away, letting my head fall back against the cushion. “You psychic?”
“No, Travis said you were giving up on the Amelia chick. Which is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done, and you’ve done some pretty stupid crap. I knew you’d be up moping about it.”
“What? I’m not moping. The chick said she wasn’t interested. No means no, Regina. This is the age of women screaming rape and assault if you eye fuck them. I’m not up to dealing with a woman who doesn’t know what the fuck she wants. I don’t need her waking up the next morning screaming she meant no out of regret. I want a grown-ass woman who screams yes and means it. Amelia Bishop...she’s more trouble than she’s worth.”
“God, you are such a baby sometimes. Once, one dumb bimbo who sooo totally didn’t deserve you fucks you over, and it’s lights out on trying again. Caroline might have been pretty, but she won an Oscar for a reason, she’s an actress, and she didn’t stop when she wasn’t in front of the camera. Five years, it’s time to close the coffin on all the crap she put you through.”
“You don’t know shit about what went down with me and Caroline. I got over it a long time ago. It’s done, it’s in the past.”
“Bullshit.”
“Did Travis ever tell you about Ruby Donato?”