by Amy McNulty
“Is it these people who are really the ones ‘always watching’? Are we nothing but—” The carriage ground to a halt, and I flew forward. With the book cradled to my chest, I couldn’t stop myself from falling.
But Ailill was there to catch me. He gripped my shoulders, saying nothing of it as he tore his eyes from me to look out the carriage window. “It is too soon. I told them not to stop but for any injured parties we come across.” Alarm colored his face as he gently pushed me back upright and swung the carriage door open, jumping to the ground without even waiting for a specter to assist him.
I pulled the book away from my chest. I’d bent a page, and now Mother’s face was halfway revealed. I pulled it out and smoothed down the creases, realizing with a jolt that I saw an ink figure I’d never seen before—Ailill—running across her page. I left the book on the seat and jumped out of the carriage after him.
“Where have they taken her?” Mother looked up. “Noll!” She ran past Ailill to pull me against her chest, choking back sobs. Did she know about Father? “Elfriede’s missing.” She pulled back and wiped her eyes with a shaking hand. “Forgive me, your lordship.” She curtsied unsteadily. “I should have greeted you. I’ve just been so frantic.” Lines had deepened across her face. The past few hours had aged her.
Ailill nodded curtly, his hands behind his back. What I once would have taken for rudeness I understood now was simply his mask for discomfort. He was so unused to interacting with others, now that I thought about it.
“Since when?” I asked, thinking about how I’d seen my sister in bed on the book’s page just a short while earlier. No, hours earlier. And she’d been awake, looking worried or frightened.
“I don’t know!” Mom threw her hands out as her eyes clenched, tears running down her face. “A few hours maybe. I was asleep. Or, I was trying to sleep. I should have heard her leave. But I just woke up, and she wasn’t there.” She cradled her face in her hands. “I came out here to find her, and then I saw the carriage and—oh, goddess.” Her gaze ran over the two lines of specters at rest behind the carriage, and she sobbed. “Something has happened, hasn’t it?”
“Yes,” I said, unsure of how to tell her. “But not with Elfriede.” I swallowed. I didn’t really know she wasn’t involved. The pages showed such a mess of chaos at the tavern.
The pages.
Ailill gestured to the specters and pointed toward the village. The servants continued their march toward the tavern, splitting to walk around the carriage, my mother, and me. I let go of Mother, eager to slip back to the carriage. Why now? Why did Elfriede have to go tonight, of all nights? I tapped my foot anxiously, willing the men to hurry up so I could get back to the book in the carriage.
I heard Ailill speak from behind me. “Why do you think your daughter has gone against her will?”
I’d forgotten she said something about people taking her.
“It’s not that she’d go against her will. It’s just … ” She grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me away from the line of specters between me and the carriage. “I’ve tried to help her get over things, Noll. It’s been so hard. She took it so much harder than I thought she would.” She hiccupped. “And all this time, I had my own problems to worry about with your father.”
I met Ailill’s gaze at that, and his eyes fell immediately to the ground. The last of the specters filed past, leaving only one atop the carriage, his hands gripping the black horses’ reins. Ailill slipped inside the carriage, and I felt relieved that someone was going to get the book to find Elfriede.
“And I was worried about you, Noll.” Mother sniffed. “It’s just I thought you might be doing all right. Handling the change better than anyone. Maybe even finding some happiness with Jurij.” She broke down again. “I’m sorry, your lordship, I shouldn’t speak in front of you so. It’s just been so hard keeping this family together. I thought maybe just one of us would find some happiness. But perhaps it wasn’t with him after all. Noll, are you and the lord a coupling again? I didn’t even stop to think what you were doing together. I … ”
I wondered if Mother would be happy at the thought, or if she’d come to understand what had passed between us, how she’d been his hostage while lost in slumber. But he’d healed her … I had to clench Mother’s arms tightly to keep her from falling to the ground. I looked to see if Ailill had heard what Mother had said—especially how everyone assumed I would run right back to Jurij despite all I’d been through—but his attention was on the open book in his hands as he stepped out of the carriage, his brow furrowed.
“We should go,” he said, his voice fraught with tension.
“What is it?” I asked, suddenly scared that I’d lost my sister and my father in the same evening. She couldn’t be at the tavern, could she? Looking for Jaron? For Father? Did it matter? I was going to set it right. Somehow.
Ailill flipped a few pages, not bothering to explain anything to Mother, who could barely contain her sobs. “The fight has gotten worse.”
Mother’s jaw hung open. “A fight?”
I shook her gently, snapping her back to reality. “Not with Elfriede. Right?” I looked to Ailill for confirmation, and he just nodded, scanning one page after the other. “Is Elfriede all right? Ailill?”
His head snapped up at the sound of his name. The crease between his eyebrows softened as he took a step closer to me. If things weren’t so chaotic, if I weren’t so mad at him over my friends, if I weren’t so angry about my father, so determined to get to the cavern to undo everything, I’d have melted under the softness of his gaze.
“Your sister is with her friends,” he said, snapping the book shut and pulling it back just as I reached out to grab it from him. I’d wanted to see for myself. He stared earnestly at me. “Noll, go back inside and wait with your mother. I will return for you when I have finished with the fight at the tavern. Then we will go fetch your sister and put your mother’s mind at ease together.”
“The tavern?” interrupted Mother. “What do you mean fight?”
I grimaced. The only fights she knew were ones people fought with words alone, or from stories about legendary kings and queens who fought with swords that were just imaginary items.
Ailill replied to her for me. “People have gotten hurt.” He stepped back toward the carriage, gesturing up at the sole specter that remained. He twisted around to face us again. “Stay here.”
Mother wrenched out of my grip. “No! Your father’s probably there. I thought Elfriede might be there, too. She … that is, many of the girls like to visit … someone.”
“Jaron was with me. He’s back at the castle.” I took a deep breath, not ready to explain all of that just yet.
“With you? Oh, Noll.” Mother’s irises glistened with moisture. “Not you too. What about … ?” She eyed Ailill warily, perhaps afraid to finish the sentence with a name. Unsure which name to finish it with.
Ailill nodded toward her, ignoring Mother’s train of thought. “Elfriede is not at the tavern. Please. Go inside.”
“Then where is she?” I demanded. I tried to snatch the book from his hand, but he tossed it into the carriage. “Why aren’t you letting me—”
“Olivière, I will explain everything upon my return.” One of his hands gripped the edge of the open carriage door, and the other, the hand still missing a glove, reached out to cradle my head. “I must go. Promise me you will stay.”
I shook my head. “I’ll go with you.”
Mother latched onto my arm, pulling me farther away from Ailill’s soft hold. “How does he know this? What’s going on? And what about your father?”
I swallowed.
“Olivière!” called Ailill, reaching out to shut the door. “I will go ahead. You escort your mother to safety indoors.”
“No, wait! Ailill!” I looked between my hysterical mother and the closed carriage door as it drove by. My eyes met the specter’s briefly, pleading. He returned the gaze but co
ntinued onward.
I wanted to run after him and make sure no one else got hurt. But wasn’t this the opportunity I’d wanted? Ailill had been against me entering the pool again. If Mother hadn’t flagged down the carriage, I wouldn’t have had this chance.
But Mother was crumpled into a heap on the ground beside me. I couldn’t take her with me to the cavern. And I couldn’t risk her running to the tavern and putting herself in harm’s way. Not after everything. Not after Father.
“Come on,” I said, crouching down and lifting Mother’s arm to drape it around my shoulders. “You have to tell me what’s going on with Elfriede.”
***
The chaos wasn’t contained to the tavern alone. Out of old, rusty habit, I thanked the first goddess there weren’t people stabbing each other in the village streets—remembering then, that I was thanking myself, and a whole lot of good that would do. Men and women alike were running to and fro, shouting at one another. Man pushing aside woman, woman pushing aside man, children ducking into doorways. What had spurred them all out of their homes to compound the problem, I wasn’t sure—but then I realized. The parade of specters. The hermit lord’s black carriage. That kind of sight was bound to attract notice.
Please, Ailill, let us not have made it all worse.
There was at least enough room on the roads to push through the village’s center and make my way toward the old commune, and from there to Alvilda’s and Siofra’s home nearby. But dragging my reluctant mother along made the journey far too slow.
“Why?” she sobbed, mumbling that word to herself for the hundredth time. “Why did it all come to this?”
“Mother,” I spat at last, frustrated with trying to maneuver her around a small crowd of children who’d come out to see what was happening. One cradled a wooden squirrel to her chest, and my heart warmed, despite the state of the village. “You have it wrong about me and Jaron. I’m not coupling with Jurij, either.” I couldn’t bring myself to mention Ailill.
“Why did you let him move in with you then?” asked Mother quietly, as if she’d barely heard me.
“That doesn’t mean we were a coupling!” It seemed like the older women in the village couldn’t let go of that idea. “I know how I once felt, but he’s not even the same man anymore. I’m not the same woman. But we’re still friends.” I sighed, relieved as Mother stopped resisting. “I wanted him back with Elfriede.”
Mother stopped and pulled away. “I didn’t.”
“Why?” I backed into the wall of the nearest building as two frightened women passed by.
“I wanted her to find love. Real love.” Mother cradled her arms against her chest. “Love that kept on going, even against all odds. Even against all hope. I thought what you had with Jurij was a good example of that.”
“Mother, you were the one counseling me to wait for my own man.”
Mother shook her head and raised her voice. “That was before all this!” She threw her arms out at the people wandering the streets, many hurrying toward the commotion. “Before the lord set the men’s hearts free!”
“Ailill didn’t … ” But he did in a way. Though only because I’d let him. I sighed, remembering Ailill’s warning that knowing I was the first goddess, or at least knowing how I was the first goddess, could condemn someone to death. I wasn’t even sure he meant death by his own hands anymore. All of that talk about the world beyond the mountains, and they, and the golden copper somehow connecting it all. I couldn’t tell Mother, even if it were an appropriate time.
I’d told Jurij. I hadn’t given him all the details, but I’d told him more than the others. And maybe he’d told the rest of them since. But even if he hadn’t, Jurij knew.
I had to get to the cavern and undo tonight. All of it. Those small moments with Ailill were nothing in comparison. My own desires were nothing.
Still, he held my hand.
“Mother.” I grabbed her by the hand and dragged her forward. “Now’s not the time. Please come with me to Alvilda’s. I’ll look for Elfriede,” I lied. “But I have to go.”
The door to the nearest building burst open, and I had to drag Mother back to avoid her getting hit. Darwyn’s mother came out. We were standing in front of the bakery.
“Aubree! Noll!”
My grip slipped from my mother’s hand. Mistress Baker looked terrified. “I can’t find them! Any of them!”
Mother slid in beside the hysterical woman, dropping her own panic with the appearance of someone else in need of comfort. “What is it? Who?”
Mistress Baker pointed down the road. “People are talking about something going on at the tavern. I couldn’t get close enough to get in there. Some of my boys have been spending a lot of time there.” Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I thought I’d at least wake Roslyn, to help me get in there. But she’s gone, too!”
My stomach lurched. “She is with her friends.” What could the girls be up to? Why tonight of all nights? Ailill hadn’t seemed as concerned about them as he was about the tavern. But why did he refuse to show me? “Darwyn and Sindri are all right,” I told her. “They’re not at the tavern.”
Mistress Baker laid a hand on her chest, exhaling a deep sigh of relief, even if her lips still wavered. “You’re sure?”
“Yes.” I dug my nails into my palm. I felt I’d made a terrible mistake, even if it seemed the best choice at the time. Please, do what I told you.
Mistress Baker took me at my word and ran her fingers over Mother’s arm. “But Roslyn! And my other boys. I can’t be sure they were at the tavern. I know they didn’t visit it as often as Darwyn and Sindri.” She swallowed. “I know Merek at least would be with his wife. They stayed together after all of that.”
Mother took Mistress Baker’s hand in hers. “Roslyn must be with Elfriede. The lord said she was with her friends.”
“The lord?” Mistress Baker seemed confused, then relieved, until she read the distress across Mother’s features. “And where are they?”
“Noll!”
Alvilda and Siofra ran toward us, not from the direction of their home, where I’d hoped to drop off Mother, but from the center of the village.
“We can’t find Nissa!” sputtered Siofra as they ground to a halt beside us. She doubled over slightly, fighting to catch her breath.
“We thought maybe she’d gone to be with Coll and Luuk,” added Alvilda. “But they weren’t home.” She glanced back at the chaos behind us. “And now we hear there was some problem at the tavern.”
Here I go again. “Master Tailor and Luuk weren’t there. And neither was Jurij. They were all with me—at the castle, before this all started. But I don’t know where any of the girls are.”
If any of the women had questions about what I was doing with such a large group of men at the forbidden castle, they likely didn’t think it the right time to ask. The relief that loosened some of the furrows on their faces was temporary, filled with a new worry about the women whom I couldn’t vouch for.
Siofra pinched her lips. “Nissa might be with Roslyn.”
“I didn’t know Roslyn and Nissa were friends.”
Mother looked embarrassed. “They are. Elfriede felt sorry for her after Luuk left her, and she and the others just sort of took to her. The girls have been spending a lot of time at our house. A sort of gathering for young rejected women.”
The women all exchanged glances, and I felt pointedly left out. I’d felt that way longer than any of them imagined. Well, besides Alvilda and Siofra, perhaps. But that had worked out for them in the end.
Alvilda wrapped an arm around Siofra and pulled her closer. Siofra’s head lulled gently onto the taller woman’s shoulder. She looked about to pass out. “Nissa’s been saying something recently,” said Siofra quietly. She rotated her head to look up at Alvilda. “A place to battle monsters?”
Alvilda nodded, mulling over what she’d said. “She was too young to get along with those girls the way she
wanted. She kept wanting to show them something. A place she used to battle monsters.”
“With a pool!” added Mother as she slammed her fist into her other palm. “That shined with red, glowing light! I thought she’d made it up. Noll often did the same at that age.”
My heart practically stopped. I didn’t know Nissa had gone that far into the cavern. But the cavern. Where I was headed. Where Ailill was not keen to let me go.
It makes perfect sense now why he wouldn’t let me see her page. But if the place was such a danger for me, why so little concern for my sister?
Mistress Baker frowned. “Roslyn mentioned … No, but why? She at least had reason to be happy now! Even without that no-good son of mine.”
“Thea, what is it?” asked Mother, more concerned than ever.
Mistress Baker’s eyes widened. “When I offered to take her back, she cried. She said she and her friends had almost given up hope—that they’d considered succumbing to the glow, and just letting it all go! I didn’t know.” She choked. “I didn’t think that meant they’d drown themselves!”
And even if that wasn’t what they’d intended, they might very well find themselves the recipients of a death sentence. Ailill’s mysterious “they” who lived far beyond the mountains. Always watching. Toying with me.
Please, let the pool have closed its heart.
Herding a group of hysterical women to a secret, dark cavern wasn’t the best idea. But there was no way I was going to convince Mother and Mistress Baker to stay behind now. Alvilda or even Siofra might prove helpful in talking some sense into Elfriede and her friends, but I was sure Mother and Mistress Baker were just a breath away from losing themselves completely.
So how am I going to dive into the pool without them noticing? How will I get the glow to accept me? I’d just have to figure it out once I got there. If I successfully changed the past, then none of it would matter. I’d make sure to stop Elfriede from even leaving the house, and none of us would be in the cavern this evening.