“I waited for you to save me,” I began, holding a hand up when he started to interrupt. “And I shouldn’t have. It was wrong. You’ve always come to my rescue, Evan. I know I can absolutely rely on you for anything. Eleanor, Georgia, the witch hunters, this Summit… You’ve always been there for me in any way you could, but it can’t be like that anymore.”
“What are you saying?”
“If we want to have an equal relationship, it can’t be this lopsided. You’ll always be the powerful one; I’ll always be the novice witch.”
“I’m a daemon,” Evan pointed out. “My line is old and I’ve had a long time to learn how to wield my power.”
“I know. So what happens…? I spend the next twenty years getting to where you are now, all the while relying on you for protection?”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
“I want us to be equals!”
“We are!”
“No, we’re not,” I said as my voice cracked a little. “I don’t feel equal.”
“Sweetheart, we are equal.” He stepped towards me, his eyes full of emotion.
“No. We’re not,” I repeated. “You want marriage and a family and a wife to protect.”
“You don’t want those things?”
“I do, but with someone I’m equal to. We can’t have any of those things while I’m your Achilles’ heel. I’m the weaker one. Look how easy it was for your father to manipulate you by threatening me.”
He looked at me as if I’d just told him I was going to marry another man. “We’re going around in circles. I don’t understand this. Why can’t you just accept that I love you, you love me, and we can have a long and wonderful life together trying to dodge our future children’s stray magic?”
“Because if we do this now, if we move forwards like this, we start off wrong. I need to discover my self-reliance, along with my own survival instincts.”
“So, you do that while we’re together. If you don’t want to get married right away, I can wait.”
“But I won’t learn if we’re together.” And there it was. The words that I didn’t want to say, but which I knew were true. Evan was the only man I had ever loved. My confidant, my friend, my lover. I wanted those things, but I didn’t want a teacher anymore, and I didn’t want a saviour. That was the problem. I never truly fashioned a plan that involved rescuing myself. So much for being a fully fledged witch. So much for standing on my own two feet. I wanted to know I could stand up for myself, to know that my power was naturally all mine and strong, to know that whatever happened to me, I could defend myself. I couldn’t do that with Evan always waiting in the wings to rescue me. And he would never see me as the equal I wanted to be, not while I was being used against him. How long would it take for his will to be so far bent that it would break? How long would it be until his love for me turned to hatred?
Looking away from Evan’s stricken face, I felt my heart break for the pain I could see I was causing him now in this little hotel room far away from home. Far away from my house, this room was our temporary home while we tried to decide how to live from now on — together or apart?
“You don’t want to be together?” The words dragged from Evan’s mouth.
I couldn’t say the little word that would finish everything.
“Not ever?” he persisted. “Or just not now?”
“Not now,” I whispered. “Not like this.”
“So what happens? You and I part ways, you feel better about yourself, and what? You call me up and say, it’s on, and you think I’ll come running?” His words were laced with pain and anger. Evan rarely ever said a bad word to me. With my jaw trembling at the harshness of his voice, my magic sizzled in my veins, tickling my skin as it searched for an outlet. “Do you expect me to sit at home and wait for that call? If it ever comes!”
“No.” It killed me to say it, but I couldn’t expect Evan to stop anything for me. He’d already put too much aside, first his job, his life, and now his integrity.
“Then what?” He moved closer. “Wait while you get yourself killed trying to prove you don’t need anyone?”
I breathed harshly and couldn’t look away.
“Don’t tell me you want to break up, but stay friends. I can’t do that.” He reached for my hands, took them in his, and placed his body inches from mine. Every bone in my body ached for me to throw my arms around him, and say that I regretted it, I didn’t mean it, that I was being stupid and I loved him, but something held me back. That little part of me that knew I had to try being me, the me that was all witch. The me that wasn’t afraid to be alone, the me that was no longer lonely, the me that wasn’t the same woman he remembered. The me that didn’t want to be used against him until there was nothing left of us to save.
“I can’t do that,” he said again. I followed his eyes downward to our hands. Our emotions caused our magic to take on presence with colour, and it merged in a way I never thought possible. As I felt mine travel into him and his into me, I could see its power and it was breathtaking. “Seeing you, but not being able to touch you. Speaking to you, but not being able to tell you how much I love you. It will hurt beyond measure,” he whispered.
A tear slipped down my cheek.
“I can’t bear the thought of seeing you with another man when the only arms you should be held in are mine.”
I couldn’t answer. The thought of seeing Evan with another woman hadn’t even factored into my thoughts. I preferred not to imagine how I would feel about that. My chest constricted tightly. Perhaps I was wrong and Evan was right? That we could work through this. That I was every bit his equal. But you’re not, said the annoying, nagging voice in my head. And his clan will destroy all that is good about you.
“I hate this,” said Evan. “I love you, and I hate this.”
Our magic glowed brilliantly around us, and for a moment, it seemed like a supernova existed in the small room, but the star that shone so brightly was us.
“I still have to work with the demons. I can’t go back on that now. This deal can’t be undone.”
“But without me, you can get out of it. Without me, you can find a way to leave. Once they know you aren’t with me, and you aren’t protecting me, they won’t have any hold over you. I don’t know what the hell they want you to do, Evan, but I know that you don’t want this. I don’t want to be used against you. You’ll end up hating me.”
“I can’t stop protecting you. They’ll come after you.”
“Then I’ll protect myself. You’ve warned me. It’s enough.”
“Stella, please… say something else. Tell me this is a mistake. Tell me you love me.”
I couldn’t force any words from my mouth. My throat seemed to close in on itself. I looked at the floor, unwilling to see the pain in his eyes. “I absolve you of all responsibility towards me,” I said, the words wrenching at my heart.
“I can’t change your mind,” Evan said sadly. “I… I’ll always be here for you, but I can’t listen to anymore of this,” he said in a low, aching voice. “Don’t take too long finding whatever it is you need. I love you.” He dropped my hands and stepped away.
I couldn’t bring myself to look up. Evidently, he realised that because he took another step backwards, then turned and left. The door opened and I knew he paused there, giving me another chance to change my mind.
“Evan, wait!” I’d gotten it wrong. I’d gotten this horribly wrong. My heart cracked with the pressure of being strong, of trying to do the right thing, when what I truly wanted was him. I loved him. I couldn’t let him go like this. So, I changed. We could change together. Whatever they had over him didn’t mean it would destroy us. Maybe we could fight it together. I raced forwards, catching the door by the handle just as it met the frame. I flung it open so hard, it crashed against the wall as I raced through.
I closed my eyes at the sudden burst of magic, the blinding white flash stripping the corridor of colour, depth, existence. My skin registered the h
eat of Evan’s departure as he dematerialised, the angry surge creating a powerful blast. When I opened my eyes, he was gone and I was alone, frozen and choked up.
“I made a mistake,” I whispered to the emptiness. “I made a mistake.”
I barely registered stumbling backwards through the doorway, and gasping for breath in horror at what I’d just done. For a long time, I planted my back against the wall and didn’t move. When I opened my eyes, everything was normal. My hotel room was neatly made, the bed turned down. My suitcase lay on its side on the floor. There was no more magic filling my every pore. The only thing that was missing was Evan, and a very large chunk of me.
Tears came freely. Sliding down the wall, I hugged my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I had the horrible feeling I’d made a very big mistake for a reason that seemed very right a few minutes ago. Now I’d lost the only person I never wanted to lose. My one hope was that the pain I now experienced meant that my actions would keep him safe.
~
I woke with a start and found myself still hugging my knees, my aching back pressed against the wall. The last thing I remembered was sobbing until my eyes felt raw.
Somewhere between then and now, I’d fallen asleep and night had clouded the room in shadows. My eyes felt sticky and sore and I had to blink several times before they opened properly.
When your life changes abruptly and horribly, you usually expect things to be different; but the truth is, a lot of things stay the same; and the only real difference is how you feel inside. I felt empty.
I eased onto my feet and listened. I couldn’t hear anything from the corridor or from Micah’s room, but that wasn’t unusual. A quick glance at my watch showed me it was eleven at night. The party was probably still going strong, and from the looks of things, I hadn’t been missed yet which relieved me.
Stumbling into the bathroom, I washed my face and straightened up. “You listen to me,” I told my pale reflection. “Things are going to be fine. You are not going to go to pieces. You are sad and you did something stupid, but you can fix it.” The mirror me stared back and took a couple of deep breaths. “You’re going to be okay,” I continued, feeling a little stronger. “You have friends who love you, and a cousin who is really nice. You’ve got a job and classes and your life is going somewhere. One day, you’re going to be an awesome witch, and when that day comes, people had better watch out.” I tried a smile at my pep talk, but it was weak. “And Evan…” I started, but couldn’t finish.
I didn’t know what to do with myself now that I’d woken. I didn’t want to rejoin the party, not after the awful conversation with Evan. I couldn’t imagine chatting and laughing. Even though I felt selfish for abandoning Etoile, I knew she would have plenty of people around her. Besides, I would probably have to get used to not having her around anymore. The Council would suck up a lot of her time. More pressingly, I couldn’t imagine going into the same room and standing in Evan’s presence if he’d returned there, after what I said to him. My heart told me to run after him, to find him, to say I was sorry, and what I said was stupid. I loved him and that’s what mattered. But my head told me to stay put, and find a way of working out what nearly got him into such trouble. I was sure he was not out of my life forever; and that’s what would have to keep me going for now. It wasn’t terribly reassuring, but it was good enough.
Grabbing the towel from the rail, I dried my face and hands. My head ached a bit and I suspected that was as much from the crying and anxiety as it was from the low emanation coming from the talisman stuffed in my suitcase.
I couldn’t keep it. I was certain of that. More so, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want a weapon that other people wanted. No, I didn’t want it at all. I could think of a whole bunch of people who would be very grateful to have it, but I could think of only one person whom I was sure would keep it safe and out of the wrong hands.
Instead of crying anymore, I sat on the bed and began to work out what I was going to do from here. It was time for me to step up. Picking up my phone, I dialed Etoile‘s number and waited until she picked up.
“Hello!” Her jubilant voice came on the line. “Where are you? The party is still going strong.”
“I’m in my room. I’m not going to make it back. Sorry.”
“Something wrong?”
“No, nothing. Everything’s fine. I wondered if I could go back to your apartment, maybe today or tomorrow?”
“Of course. I’m heading there tomorrow. Kitty came to the party and left an hour ago, so you can head over whenever. Oh, she’s in your bed though, so you might want to wait until the morning. It’s late anyway and Daniel was asking for you. Stay here tonight and we’ll head over tomorrow, all of us. Oh, I see your boyfriend. Did you see him already?”
I hesitated. “Yes.”
The background noise diminished . “Are you sure everything is okay?” she asked.
“Everything will be fine,” I said, my voice unwavering. “Will you tell Daniel I’ve gone to bed and I’ll catch up with him before he goes?”
“I invited him to my apartment tomorrow. You’ll see each other there. I like your cousin, Stella. He and Anders are good guys. Maybe we’ll integrate better with our English brothers and sisters with Anders in charge. Plus, I have my very own English liaison, right?”
“I hope so. I’d like that.”
“Goodnight, Stella. See you in the morning.”
“‘Night, Etoile.”
I glanced at the suitcase. One more night wouldn’t hurt, then I’d get rid of the talisman and I knew exactly whom to give it to.
TWENTY
Come morning, the hotel was a hive of activity. By the time I’d packed my things, dried my eyes again, and wheeled my suitcase into the hallway, it was apparent that most of the delegations had already left. I paused at Micah’s door but something told me he’d already left so I continued on. As I passed through the hallway, dodging people as they exited their rooms, I overheard that the vampires had slipped away in the night, just an hour prior to dawn, with the demons right behind them. I had to assume Evan was amongst them and pressed my palm to my chest to stop the visceral heartache. At least ten witches lingered by the elevators, but I didn’t speak to them as I passed by to take the stairs. There seemed to be some debate over Mary’s arrest and the reason why. I figured it would come out eventually and I wondered if Etoile had already met the first headache of her tenure.
When I got to Gage’s suite, I wasn’t sure if I’d missed him, but after I knocked a second time, he answered. His hair was wet and he was freshly shaven. He finished buttoning his shirt as he held open the door so I could pass through.
“I thought you’d gone home already,” he told me. “You left the party early.”
“I wasn’t feeling great. I’m leaving soon.” I set the suitcase upright by the door, but held onto the handle.
“Flying?”
“In a manner of speaking.” I decided to see if I could shimmer all the way back to Wilding. Or at least, do it in two hops, right after I returned to Etoile‘s apartment and said goodbye to my cousin and friends.
“I’m driving. I have my iPod and I plan to sing along to it. You don’t know what you’re missing,” Gage teased.
“I’m sorry to miss that,” I said, without a whole lot of sincerity. He snorted, then looked around. “Be right back. Have a seat,” he said as he retreated to the bedroom. He came back a few seconds later with his boots in one hand. Taking a seat on the sofa, he tugged them on. “I got Annalise an ‘I heart NY’ sweater. Do you think she’ll like it?”
“It’ll go with the ‘I heart NY’ snow globe I got her.”
“Yeah?” Gage laughed again. Apparently, he was in high spirits. I wondered what had brought it on. Maybe it was relief that this was over, or that his boss hadn’t gotten what he wanted. “She’ll be thrilled.”
“Where’s your roomie?” I asked.
“Drew left last night.”
“
Did the rest of the delegation leave?”
“Worried they’re going to eat you?”
“Something like that.”
“Then don’t. They left. Noah is unhappy that we lost the talisman.” Gage played with the cuffs of his jeans, getting them just so over his boots. “Well, unhappy is an understatement.”
“Um, about that.”
He looked up. “What?”
I walked back to my suitcase, laid it on its side and unzipped it. The book was still there and it was coming home with me. When I turned around, I had the sweater in my hand. In front of him, I unwrapped the talisman and dropped my sweater back into the open case. Gage seemed to freeze where he sat. I crossed over and held it out to him. He took it from me, turning it this way and that in his hands. “Is this what I think it is?”
“Yep.”
“You had the talisman all this time?”
I nodded.
“Well, I’ll be.”
I’ll be in a whole lot of trouble if any of the other wolves find out, but neither of us mentioned that. Gage looked at it for a long while, then started to hand it back. His movement was a touch reticent and I could understand. It was powerful and much desired. It was something they searched for decades to find and now it was in his hands. I shook my head. “It’s for you,” I told him.
“Why didn’t you give it to Noah or Shazia?”
I screwed up my mouth. “I’m not sure they’re the best people to hold onto it. I think you are.”
“How do you know I won’t give it to him?”
“I don’t, but I don’t think you will. I think you feel the same about Noah’s intentions as I do. If he finds out how to use it, he might decide to and I don’t want to risk him hurting anyone. He’s not the best one to possess the talisman, even if he does think he’s the rightful owner.”
Magic Rising Page 27