“I don’t know whether it is love or not, but I do feel this strange pull towards him. I want to touch him all the time, and I want him to smile and just…I want to see him happy too. But…I have a lot of fucked up mess in my past and I’m struggling with it. Whenever he is next to me, I want to wrap myself around him as much as I want to run and hide from him. It is weird. I want him to touch me intimately, but at the same time, I am so afraid that he might want to sleep with me again. It was the most painful experience in my life and I just don’t see how this could bring me…pleasure,” his voice was hoarse again; his heart pounding wildly and anxious.
Talking about it showed him how confused he really was. He was still traumatized, even though he knew Sartak hadn’t hurt him knowingly that night. But it had been so horrible that he constantly feared his husband wanted him.
Still, Kellan tried not to show it by undressing in the same room or lying next to him in a revealing night robe. Other parts of him wanted all fabric separating them gone; wanted to rub himself against his husband's skin and explore every inch of each other’s bodies. He had only known him for barely two days. It appalled him how much he wanted his man; how good he felt lying next to Sartak or simply just being in the same room.
He had never felt like this before.
Kellan had been together with boys and girls before, but then he had just agreed to go out with them because they had asked him and he had known that others would find it weird if he turned all of them down. It had been fun holding hands and going to places with them, but he had never wanted…well…to touch them or being touched by them. Maybe he had been just too young, but he didn’t think so really.
Hell, he had just never wanted to have sex, but now he was thinking about it, both in fear and lust.
“I see. I’ll make sure he calls you every day while we’re dealing with whatever. Spend some time, get to know each other. Let the love come when it’s time. I can tell that you already care a lot about him. You feel the pull of fated mates. This is a good sign. You will learn to trust him, and when you realize it is love, it will suddenly be easy for you to just forget about the fears,” Aoran gently touched Kellan’s hand which was cold and shaking and thus made him snap out of it.
His mind drifted back to the present and away from his worries and fears. Trying to smile, he looked at Aoran who regarded him attentively.
“Now…I asked Sartak if you could take care of my daughters. I don’t want them to be alone with nannies and especially not with my husband. He is not a guy fit to be a father. He has no idea of how to look after shit. I wouldn’t even trust him with looking after a dead pet’s coffin. I love him. He can be quite sweet and lovely, but can also be a walking misery sometimes. He’d forget to give the girls their meals or whatever. So I want you to look after them since you’re going to have kids too, you also have a pet you look after, and Jarvan is here to help you. And the girls can play with the twins,” the kmer certainly seemed much happier with the prospect of leaving his daughters with Sartak’s family, then with their own father.
Kellan hadn’t met Aoran’s husband yet and he certainly had never heard of some Lord Sirall Maxiv, but he could already tell, he was sorry for Aoran’s daughters and the Lord himself.
Kellan had always wanted the attention and approval of his father but had never gotten it. Samuel had cared shit about Kellan, but he had seen that the man could show some love towards his children, especially when they were called Blake and Luke and when they were soldiers.
So Kellan had only witnessed President Samuel’s fatherly love from afar, but at least he knew the man could have cared about Kellan only if he had wanted it.
But Lord Maxiv seemed to not even be able to show his daughters that he noticed them at all since forgetting about them when not reminded meant he had no idea on how to deal with the situation. At least Aoran was lucky enough to be noticed…and adult, because he didn’t need Sirall to look after him.
“I’d be happy to look after your children. I’ll make sure they’ll be fine here,” Kellan reassured, whereupon Aoran nodded in relieve.
Since his husband was talking with some generals and had to pack some of his stuff, Kellan hadn’t wanted to be in the way.
Now, he was on his way to Kohtah’s quarters. His Brother-in-Law was lying on his belly reading on his tab when Kellan knocked and opened the door.
Kohtah looked up and smiled welcomingly at him.
“Come, sit with me,” Kohtah waved his hand to motion Kellan to step closer.
Sighing, he did as he was asked and indecisively sat down on the bed as Kohtah pushed himself up on his elbows.
“Where was everyone yesterday?” he asked and Kellan was more than just relieved that Kohtah wasn’t inquiring about his wedding night too.
Bearing with yet another person who knew about that awful night, was nothing he could do right now. So he just relaxed and told Kohtah about unpacking his stuff yesterday.
“How was he? He’s nice, yes?” he interrupted Kellan after a while.
Stopping mid-sentence, he turned to Kohtah and frowned.
“Who?” he asked, feeling a bit like an idiot for not knowing.
“Kalik, the guard,” Kohtah said with a blush.
When Kellan tried to ask about it, he waved him off.
Did that mean, his Brother-in-Law liked one of Kellan’s guards? Well,…he didn’t even know who his guards were but the way Kohtah had mentioned this Kalik…
He really had to like this guy. Looking at him, he saw that the blush was still there. Maybe it was even more than just liking. This certainly looked like a grown crush on this guard.
Now, though, Kellan had to find out more about this matter. He wasn’t a relationship meddler, but still, he would see if he could do something about this issue. But before he could plot out some plan, Kohtah shoved his tab at Kellan. He took it and looked strangely at the other young man.
“Watch!” Kohtah only said and Kellan focused on the video that was shown.
It was the video of Kohtah and him dancing at the wedding banquet.
Kellan smiled at that. They actually looked like they were having fun.
“My brother is off to some planet later today?” Kohtah asked silently and Kellan nodded numbly.
He wasn’t sure why it made him feel like this- numb and in hurt. Kellan didn’t even know his husband that well so his feelings should have been out of place. But still…
It seemed too soon for Sartak to leave him alone already.
Kellan stood silently at the spaceport while Dershra chirped in sadness. The little wyvern seemed to notice the young man’s mood. Kellan felt cold inside. Some part of his soul he hadn’t known about until yet, was reaching out towards the man with the fiery red hair, flying in the warm breeze.
He looked stunning. Sartak’s large body was covered in hardened leather armor. His face was grave and stern, but still fierce and very handsome.
Aoran had been right.
Kellan cared for Sartak…a lot. He felt heartsick about the possibility that his husband might just fly into danger. Though he knew Sartak was an excellent tactician and warrior, he was still afraid this mission could go wrong. Sartak had told him it was an easy routine mission, but Kellan wasn’t all too convinced about it. Despite his husband being a warlord who probably knew much more about missions and the level of difficulty thereof, he had a bad feeling.
It was like a heavy stone lying in his stomach; a pressure weighing down on his gut; an irrational fear in his mind.
Icy shivers ran down his spine. He should go and beg for his husband to stay here, but he had no real reasons besides this turmoil inside him.
Sartak had said it was not at all dangerous, so he should believe it. His husband knew what he was doing but…
If it was such an easy task, then why had he a laser gun strapped to his right tight and a pointer- a small wand that shot a laser ray hot enough to melt metal- next to it?
He also wore a belt t
hat carried several little orbs, which were either small smoke bombs or shot stunning lasers uncontrollably into the room. Both things were good to cause chaos and distraction. Other than that he also held a stun gun in his hand right now.
Sartak was talking with a slightly smaller but also muscled and dangerous-looking blonde man, while he tried to put the gun into one of the holsters on the belt.
Why would he need such weapons if it wasn’t dangerous at all? Something was off. Or was it just Kellan’s wild imagination and it was just normal to go somewhere fully armed even if it wasn’t dangerous at all?
The tall blonde man he was talking with had a striking resemblance to Jarvan. They had the same slim nose and high cheekbones. Even their lips were the same; full and soft-looking. Only his jaw line looked harsher, his whole face a little sharper and…more manly.
Kellan was pretty confident it was Lord Harok Darlvok, Jarvan’s older brother and only heir of the Darlvok family and estate since Jarvan had become a Nexvrin by marriage.
Harok wore the same armor as Sartak, only that it was colored in a dark dried-blood red. The two women wore dark green suits, just like Aoran.
The black haired woman with dark ebony skin was Kariary who was the weapon master on board, and the woman with the crazy green hair with pink highlights was Gwyndea the spymaster, hacker, gadgeteer, and technology freak. Altogether, they were a colorful troop and they looked very much like one could have fun with them.
Gwyndea made some adjustments on a holographic-pad- short holo-pad- while programming a spy-drone with the other hand at the same time. After she did a flourish with her finger on the surface of the pad, the space glider suddenly blurred out and became almost non-detectable. The air flickered for a second, and then everything was back to normal.
“That worked. Should help us sneak around ships. Won’t appear on radar when in blurry-mode. Doesn’t even suck up a lot of power. Just takes it from the surrounding,” Gwyndea clicked her tongue after the announcement.
Kellan saw Kariary grinning at that. The Phy’vohranian woman then ran a hand through her shortly cut hair. Kariary came over to Gwyndea and peeked over her shoulder to see what the other woman was doing on her holo-pad.
It seemed like the gadgeteer was swiping her fingers over the holographic surface and rearranged some blocks. Kellan couldn’t make out what it was, but it changed something about the gliders appearance as the shields built up- hexagonal fields of energy connected to each other to build the several layers thick shell around the small ship.
Then she tried the hiding-trick again, and when it worked, she cheered and high-fived the spy-drone.
“Everything’s ready. Our lil’ bitch is eager to fly, shoot some fuckers and hide, so no one’s noticing we’re sneaking up on their assholes to blow them off,” Gwyndea clapped her hands and rubbed them together excitedly.
Kellan watched her with wide eyes. He knew she was a soldier and soldiers liked to denigrate language, but this seemed plain too much.
He fought down the urge to tell her to use proper language but couldn’t stop himself from grimacing in disapproval.
“Gwyndea! Next time you meet my kmeran, you better wash your mouth beforehand, or I will wash it for you. That, you won’t like at all,” it was Sartak’s voice that thundered over the place, causing Gwyndea to wince.
Her face turned blank and stuttering, she apologized.
“Won’t do it again, Warlord, Sir,” she added with a salute when Sartak lifted one brow at her.
Ignoring her further stutters of apology, Sartak turned to Kellan and gave him a tender smile. He stopped only a foot away from him, opening his mouth to say something but stayed silent.
Kellan nodded as if he knew what Sartak wanted to say.
He hoped his husband could also feel that something between them had changed since this very morning. Kellan was still confused and obviously needed time to sort his feelings, but he was pretty much sure he didn’t want Sartak to leave just now. But he couldn’t change things, so he just sighed.
When Sartak cleared his throat, he felt slightly stupid, because they were both just standing there awkwardly.
There was a storm raging inside of him, but he couldn’t make out what exactly he was feeling. It was all so weird, and it made his chest feel tight. It was hard to breathe, and he felt like wandering through syrup. He wanted to express his feelings to Sartak but how could he when he had no idea what he was feeling. He was overthinking this again. Maybe he should follow his heart- whatever his heart thought was the right thing to do right now…
Kellan could almost feel Aoran’s stares, and in a vision in his mind, the other kmer was pushing him forward.
Giving up his hesitation, he went on his tiptoes and laid his hands on his husband’s shoulders. Smiling warmly, he gently grabbed Sartak’s head and pulled him down closer to him. He gave him an innocent kiss on the lips- barely a brush and stepped back.
“Promise me, stay safe,” he said, his voice trembling as he forced a smile on his mouth.
Sartak returned his smile, saying: “I’ll try to be as safe as I can.”
Then he was off to the glider. Just before he went inside, he looked back at Kellan who was trying to hold himself together while he waved goodbye.
He saw something flicker in Sartak’s eyes, but before he could find out more, the glider’s doors closed, breaking their eye contact.
9
It had only been two days now and he already missed his mate terribly.
Despite talking to Kellan via video-chat, he couldn’t shake off the feeling of loneliness when he woke up alone in the mornings. Hopefully, this whole mission wouldn’t take too long. Fortunately, they’d reach the wormhole connecting them with the Cjon’vaiians within the next few hours.
Restlessly, he wandered around the large space glider. When he arrived on the bridge, he nodded to Aoran who was handling the navigation desk with his fingers flying over the holographic buttons and the map.
“Sun has risen a few hours ago back home,” he informed Sartak, giving him an obvious nudge in a particular direction.
The prince rolled his eyes.
Yes, he knew he was insufferable and a total ass at the moment, but as much as he wanted to talk to Kellan and see his sweet face again, he couldn’t. How would it look to others when he was constantly video-chatting with his husband instead of doing the task assigned to him by his king?
Leylos was his father, but he was also his king. At the moment he was his ruler and Sartak was his ruler’s warlord. He needed to keep his shit together before he brought shame upon his head and the crown. Sartak should take the whole thing more serious, but he craved for his mate who wasn’t here.
He missed Kellan’s sweet and exotic smell, he missed his voice and his endless chattering. Goddess, he even missed the little wyvern that used to sit on his kmeran’s shoulder like it was its throne.
Harrumphing, he lounged into his captain’s seat and opened the holographic view pad that showed him their surroundings. Space was mostly dark here, only a few stars and nebula far away shone some light in their direction.
At the moment, they were bypassing a meteorite swarm to their left, going around it instead of heading right through the swarm.
Aoran had said, he didn’t want to waste fuel, but this way it took them longer to reach the wormhole. They traveled at a low pace and going through the swarm would mean that Aoran would likely have to fly some tricky and crazy maneuvers.
“Fucking stop your immature pouting. Man up and concentrate. It’s not like you’re missing to get laid. I highly doubt you’re going to get some sweaty naked-time very soon…if ever. So, you have a task boy. Fucking do that!” Harok reprimanded him humiliatingly in front of his crew.
Sartak’s eyes were wide when he gave his uncle a disbelieving look. His mouth stood open, having no words for what Harok had just said.
“You’re lucky to be my uncle because otherwise, I would have thrown you out of the air
locks,” he said with a snarl, his face clearly showing his anger.
He made a rude gesture at his uncle and growled. No one dared to say such things to him. Not even his uncle should dare. Sartak couldn’t believe his ears. Maybe he had heard wrong?
Harok didn’t even look at him, just flipped him off.
He only shrugged and said: “Yeah, whatever.”
Speechless again, he watched his uncle casually taking the seat of the communication officer, since Gwyndea was somewhere in the glider, most probably in the cramped lab. Though sometimes she would send a note, telling them she was still alive and doing fine.
Sartak seriously had no idea what that crazy woman was up to, but he trusted her. He knew something unexpected, yet brilliant would come out of her brooding and he some kind of anticipated it already.
The last time she had been all alone in a lab for days, she’d come up with a lightning grenade. That grenade was a wicked thing that held a large amount of electricity that could be unloaded as numerous small lightning bolts. It had helped them quite a lot when they’d been outnumbered by the Edeans. Gwyndea’s invention had probably saved their asses back then.
They’d been hopelessly cornered, but that little grenade had caused such a panic with the Edean’s that the Phy’vohranians had managed to draw their weapons and fight their way out of this mess.
“We’ll arrive in three days if we don’t come across another meteorite swarm,” Aoran said to no one in particular.
The Golden Heart: Alliance Book One (Alliance Series 1) Page 13