I thought about what Kelly said. She was right. “You’re right Kelly. There is no way of knowing what even sweet little Gertie might be capable of. Just turn on the news. It happens all the time, and they are always interviewing some neighbor or co-worker of the latest maniac. They say the same things, every damn time. ‘Oh, she was just the sweetest, most quiet person. Polite too. I had no idea she had all those guns and knew how to shoot so well.’ Or, ‘He was just the kind of guy that worked hard, stayed to himself, mostly. You know, just another guy at the plant. I never would have figured for him to have all those people stuffed in his freezer.’ So, yeah, I think we better just stay quiet about this. If we think she suspects that we did something to Brad, let me handle it.”
Lindsey agreed, but she was very reluctant. “I suppose so.” She seemed a little upset that we would imagine Gertie being even the least bit spiteful. “I still think she would understand.”
“Then, it’s agreed. We won’t say a word about what we did tonight, not to anyone.” With my announcement, we closed that messy little chapter and moved on.
Lindsey brought up a new topic that I had been waiting to talk about. “So, Leigh, you mentioned this past week you’ve been working on a couple of new books. How’s that going?”
“Oh yeah! I’m really excited about them too. The first one is about a werewolf that is also a super powerful multi-billionaire. The basic plot is that this guy changed into a wolf one night and something happened to him. I haven’t quite gotten that part figured out yet. Anyway, he gets captured by the city animal control people. They just think he is some stray dog. They drop him off at a shelter, and the wolf figures that he better not shift into human form until he can figure out how he can get out of there, otherwise everyone would recognize him and he’d be all over the news.”
“I get it. He’s like the kind of guy you’d see on the cover of a Fortune magazine, a celebrity of sorts. Right?” Kelly asked.
“Yep. So while he’s locked up in there, a really sweet woman takes a liking to this big, mean looking wolf and gives him all sorts of extra attention. She talks to him because she has a really miserable life and is terribly lonely. The idea is that she needs someone to just listen to her once in a while, and a lot of pet owners talk to their pets like that. They’re good listeners. Most of the time.” I looked over at Luna, who had been listening to me.
“Meow.”
“Well, the werewolf, learns all sorts of intimate details about her life. He also finds out how miserable she has become. One night, he figures out a way to escape from the shelter. He shifts back into the handsome, billionaire playboy, and then he shows up one day at the shelter. You see, he had really started to like the woman that took care of him and all of her compassion just melted his heart. He decides that he would quit being a shallow playboy that chases equally shallow women. He literally sweeps her off her feet and out of the trailer park. It’s easy because he knows all about the details of her life because she had been telling him her problems for quite a while.”
“I don’t know, that makes him seem like some sort of stalker.” Lindsey was a little leery of the idea.
“Oh, come on now! It’s going to be more romantic than that. I mean, it’s going to be like a dream come true for her. He takes her away from the dead end town where she’s had a rotten upbringing. He’ll be able to donate a huge pile of money to build new shelters.”
“Because he knows what a shithole that shelter was, right? Oh, and be sure that he exacts his revenge on some mean animal control officer. You know, gets some payback on some animal abuser.” Kelly was really into the story line now.
“Exactly! I hadn’t thought of the revenge backstory, but I like it! Anyway, he is going to travel the world with her and it’ll be a completely passionate love story. I mean explicit and erotic passion. Until she finds the chain with the dog tag hanging in his closet, or someplace. The same tag that was on him when he was a wolf in the shelter. She confronts him about it and they will have some dramatic back and forth about why he tricked her. Yada-yada-yada. In the end, they’ll resolve that issue and it will end happily ever after.”
“Sounds great! I love it!” Kelly started to applaud.
“Oh, me too. I can’t wait to read it. What’s the title going to be?” Lindsey asked.
“It’s called Bangin’ the Billion-were.”
My friends’ enthusiasm dropped when they listened to me proudly announce the title. Now, some people are just born to be critics and most of those just suck at it. A select few, the elite, have a razor sharp wit and a mouth like a sailor with Tourette’s. Each word surgically placed for devastating effect. These few, the proud, the literary executioners—have the ability to whip out a piece of sarcasm coated mockery with a side of caustic vulgarity, faster than a Chicago politician can dodge a subpoena. Kelly, had achieved that level. And she could do it in Yiddish when she needed to. I was suddenly worried that Kelly, and perhaps even Lindsey thought my title was a little too silly. I wasn’t sure if I could handle being on the receiving end of one of Kelly’s rants. They weren’t pretty.
“You are fucking kidding me, Leigh. That’s what you came up with. Bangin’ the Billion-were? Seriously, just say ‘no’ to those goddamn brownies. I mean, really. It just sounds sort of—” Then Kelly laughed. “I’m just kidding! I absolutely love it!”
I breathed a sigh of relief.
Lindsey seemed a bit unsure and it wasn’t until she finally spoke that I felt better. “I love it too. I was just imagining the cover. I picture a woman petting a beautiful wolf. Maybe the wolf would have a platinum collar with a gold and diamond tag hanging from it. You know, to show that he is rich. Maybe the silhouette of a Leer jet passing in front of a full moon.”
Kelly had the perfect look of disbelief and shock on her face, it was as if Lindsey had just picked up a bug, and ate it. “Oh, sure. Don’t forget the gold cummerbund and diamond cufflinks.” Now Kelly was truly being sarcastic. “Better yet, one of those little doggie bibs that look like a tuxedo. Now, that would look sharp.”
“Well, I haven’t even thought about a cover yet. I’ll worry about that later. Bangin’ the Billion-were is just the first book of a whole new hybrid shifter series that I’ll write, someday.”
“When you get to the book where you combine werewolves with fairies be sure to use this title. Screwin’ the Were-fairy. That title will draw some attention.”
Looking back, I’m still not sure if Kelly was being sarcastic or serious about that title. I kind of like it, personally. “That’s not too bad of a title. You may just see that someday. And I’ll be sure to give you the credit for it.”
“No, please. Leave my name off of it. I don’t want to end up on the wrong end of a spell that includes getting it on with Tinkerbelle.”
“I also am working on a vampire, young adult novel set on a dystopian world. These vampires are actually like zombie vampires that were hibernating. Zompires actually. Until, one year, they all woke up.”
“Why? Why do they just wake up? You need something there.” Lindsey interrupted me.
“Due to out of control global warming. It made civilization as we know it become completely unhinged, of course. They are as creepy as shit and they feed on the humans that are left alive. Two teens find themselves the only survivors of their little enclave of refugees. And they just happen to be a boy and a girl that hated each other, back when they still had a high school. After the world order collapses and the zombie vampires start attacking, they are forced to work together to survive, and find a way to save the world. Of course, they will fall madly in love and eventually live happily ever after. I’m going to rehash a few of the popular YA dystopian themes in that book. It seems like the YA readers love themes that are common in every one of those books, so why disappoint them?”
Lindsey had been leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and her head on her hands, just like story time. “That sounds really awesome too. What’s the title of that
one?”
Kelly held up her hand. “I don’t think we need to know. The story sounds excellent, but I really am afraid of what you came up with for a title.”
“Regurgitant. That’s the title.”
There was silence for a minute, then Kelly groaned. “Ugh! Jesus Christ, Leigh. Really?”
“Yeah, who’s going to want to read a book that basically says vomit. People will think your book is about hurling.” Lindsey joked.
“Ha ha! Hey, be sure to name the male protagonist Ralph and the girl Ruth! Ha ha ha!” Kelly was just getting warmed up.
Lindsey kept up with the jabs. “Ha! And they communicate by repeatedly shouting their names while kneeling at the porcelain alter. Ruth! Ralph!—Ruth! Ruth! Ralph!”
I picked up my phone and opened a web browser to show the girls. “Okay smartasses. Here, look at this. Just read it.”
They read the dictionary definition of regurgitant, and it didn’t have anything at all to do with regurgitating.
“See, it has nothing to do with throwing up. It’s about blood flow. Perfect for my zompire book that has hints at some of those popular YA books. That should help market it to the right audience. From what I can tell, those readers eat that stuff up.” I was quite proud of my clever thinking.
Chapter Six
Steel Stetsons
“Oh, Leigh, we wanted to ask you if you would take a look at a story that Lindsey and I have been tossing around. I’ve already written most of it out. Maybe you could edit it, or we could all collaborate. It’s starting to take shape as a first draft I think, but it certainly needs something more.”
“What’s it about?” I was really curious and quite surprised that Kelly and Lindsey were getting the writing bug.
“It’s a cowboy romance, but also a biker gang romance.” Lindsey answered.
Kelly quickly expounded on the plot. “Actually, it’s a bike gang, made up of cowboys. See, the cowboys lost their horses to thieves and they decided to get into vigilante mode. They wanted to go after the horse thieves and rescue their horses. They get a big break when they happened upon a biker gang that was doing something illegal, so they just nabbed them and turned them over to the police. They kept the biker’s motorcycles.”
Lindsey offered some logic. “Yeah, since they didn’t have horses, they needed some way to go after the horse thieves.”
Kelly continued. “Well, they take these motorcycles, and since they are already pumped up on taking the law into their own hands, they go around the country like crime fighters. And of course they will rescue some women along the way and have all sorts of wild sex.”
“But, cowboys that are bikers, which are crime fighters. Right?” I attempted to pull together the storyline and hoped I didn’t miss anything.
“Exactly!” They chimed in unison.
“What’s your title?”
“Steel Stetsons.” Kelly stated.
“I thought we were going with the Bikers in Chaps title. What happened?” Lindsey seemed puzzled.
“We were, but when I ran the idea by Randy, he told me that title already exists. He actually reads that series, The Boys of Bareback Mountain, and Bikers in Chaps is the second book.”
“Oh, Bareback Mountain. Okay, gotcha.” Lindsey nodded as she grasped an understanding of the genre and apparently made a mental note to check it out later.
“Anyway, Leigh, how about you take a look at our story?”
“Sure! I’d love to! But, this isn’t some sly trick to get me to throw some spell on Derek and Luke again, is it? I’ve told you, I won’t do it. I think they’ve been through more than their share this summer.”
Lindsey admitted that they still wanted something done. “No, this story isn’t a trick. Not at all! But, there is a little problem with them. We thought we could ask you again and maybe fit something into this story.”
I was still baffled. “I thought they were perfectly fine now. That’s what I don’t understand.”
“When you changed them from being super-stalkers, you made them super-polite. I’m all for Mr. Nice Guy and all, but when we first met them, they were very masculine. Sure, they’re college boys, but not the kind that spend their summer breaks on an internship at an accounting firm. These boys were out working hard in the sun. They looked like men, acted like men—”
Kelly interrupted Lindsey with a more straightforward approach, as was her style. “They smelled like men, they felt like men. Now, they’re more reminiscent of Chip and Dale, those polite little cartoon chipmunks. Not only that, they are dressing like they just strolled off the tennis court, not off of a construction job. Sorry, but if I wanted a preppy college boy or a metrosexual urbanite, I could find one anywhere around here. Your neighborhood is crawling with them. I want my hunk, damn it! You need to fix this.”
“Ugh. Really, you guys. I have to think this over. Carefully. But, I don’t think you would want to include them in your Steel Stetsons book. I mean, the plot seems like it has quite a bit going on and I would be afraid that Luke and Derek could end up caught up on the receiving end of some vigilante justice. We’d have to come up with a stand-alone short story that we could easily manipulate—uh, I mean alter.” I hated the sound of the word, manipulate. Brad’s episode of insanity was still fresh in my mind and I had no appetite for manipulating any more men.
Kelly’s eyes lit up now that she knew I was at least considering a little magical help on their behalf. “Well, we could come up with something. You’ve got enough on your hands with those other stories. What do you say Lindsey?”
Lindsey was, of course, completely onboard. “Sure. Just so you know, I don’t want to go paranormal—, not BBW, not a were-bear, or were-jaguar, not a were-anything. And forget firemen or billionaires.”
“Hey! What do you not like about BBW books?” Kelly ran her hand down her full, curvy, and sexy body.
“Nothing, I just didn’t want a Big Bad Wolf book. You know, alpha werewolf book.”
“Lindsey, BBW does not mean Big Bad Wolf. Now, go on before this BBW slaps you silly.”
“Oh really? I always get acronyms wrong. Anyway, just a good old fashioned, tough as nails, cowpoke.”
“Cowpoke. Jesus. You said, cowpoke.” Kelly said flatly. I was imaging men running after cows and poking them with long sticks.
Lindsey shook her head and held up her hands to defend her vocabulary. “Yeah. Like in the Old West. A cowpoke is a synonym for a cowboy.”
“Sure. Cowpoke. Whatever. Anyway, I’ve got some ideas already started.” The grin on Kelly’s face should have been cause for concern, but I had to trust that she would do the right thing.
“Great. You two put together an outline at least, and then I’ll write it up. Just give me a couple of days to finish some work on these other titles. You know, I still am trying to figure out why Brad was carrying that cat carrier around all day. Aren’t you guys the least but curious?”
After a brief period of vague speculation about Brad’s cage, we spent the rest of the night discussing a myriad of topics, including one about Hunter and the quality of his sexual technique. And of course, the details of his physical attributes. I did my best to offer up a bit of information, but not too much. He was mine to think about, and talking about him made me desperate to feel him once more.
Chapter Seven
Cowpoked
Within a few days of our get together, Kelly emailed a first draft of the story Steel Stetsons. We had an understanding that editing of Steel Stetsons would have to wait until I had Bangin’ the Billion-were and Regurgitant submitted to the publisher. She also sent along the outline of the story meant for Luke and Derek. I set that one aside, because I really wasn’t sure how I could magically revert Luke and Derek back into the rough and masculine men they had been, earlier in the summer.
The days flew by as I diligently worked on my two books. Luna was almost always present. I even set a small pillow on my desk, so she would have a comfortable little bed. At one point, I n
eeded a break and I took a look at Steel Stetsons. I didn’t tell my friends this, but I dreaded reading anything with a cowboy theme. This was a remnant, a scar actually, from my childhood. My dad has always been a huge fan of the old Westerns. When my sister and I were little, we were forced to watch them with him. It wasn’t an option. The plot or the acting, didn’t much matter to me. I was incredibly bored and I resented being forced to see the same movies, again and again. This became the source for a lifelong revulsion of anything to do with cowboys. I didn’t want to insult my friends by rejecting their hard work, so I reluctantly delved into the world of six-guns, spurs, and roughhewn characters that interjected their folksy frontier colloquialisms with spurts of tobacco spit.
After I read Steel Stetsons, I was impressed. I surprised myself with a new appreciation of the cowboy. The characters were very lifelike and I enjoyed the emotional bond that existed between the cowboys and their stolen horses. Their vigilantism seemed justified. I suppose that the story was like a modern day western. I only made some minor changes. It was so well written that I was truly only proofreading, not editing. The story gave me some insight into the character traits that both Lindsey and Kelly were interested in. The kind of things most desired in their fantasy men. That inspired me, and made me feel more confident that I could actually translate those qualities into Luke and Derek.
I opened the file that I was to use for the magical short story. It was no more than a list of qualities that they desired the most in Luke and Derek. They needed to be straightforward, plain speaking men that were confident in who they were and in their ability to take on the world. They were to be uncomplicated and masculine, yet chivalrous and honorable. I suppose you could say they were best described as modern day knights in that respect. Now armed with this information, I set out to write a little story about the cowboys, Luke and Derek.
I suddenly realized that something was missing from Steel Stetsons. If these guys were cowboys, where the hell were the cows? What purpose does a cowboy have if he isn’t tending to some herd of cattle? I made a note to ask the girls about that glaring omission. And I made damn sure that the story of Luke and Derek had some cows in it.
Hopeful Leigh (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 3) Page 4