by Kara Hart
“I’m spent. I’m used up. I don’t have any more love inside of me and it’s all because of you,” I lie, stealing the Oscar nomination away from him. “But I’m with someone now and I need to see that through. You have to respect my wishes, Dennis. Please.”
“Who is he?” he asks.
“I thought you called for help. What happened to that?” I bite back.
“I was just curious who he was. I do need your help, Emily. I really do,” he says.
This time, he sounds real. Only, I’m not someone who was made to help people. Maybe at one point in my life, but right now, I’m trying to fix what’s broken in myself.
“Goodbye, Dennis. Don’t call me again. Go back home. I’m sorry your trip didn’t work out,” I say.
The words sound sharp, even to my ears. When I click the red “end” button on the screen, it feels even heavier. I sit back in my seat and close my eyes. I listen to the sounds of the cars rush by me, softly treading, yet their force always moves you, just a little bit.
When I get the courage to put the car in gear, my feet push against the pedal and my hands miraculously start driving toward my place. The trees stand tall above me, lingering like shadows. Even on the darkest nights, a flood of false lighting surrounds the streets, guiding the path to my home.
There’s a way out of everything, in the end. There’s always a way. At least, that’s what people have told me all my life. There was a way out of Chicago, but Dennis is still surrounding me like torrential floodlights. I’m just a running deer, trying to make it to the other side. The lights get brighter and brighter. They grow too powerful. My sense of direction gets turned around. I stop short and look at the danger right in front of me.
I smile. I even laugh. I don’t wait for my body to respond. I just let the cold grill of destiny smash me to bits.
Michael
At night, I’ve got nothing. No one. Lisa will be here soon. I can bathe in the perfection that is seeing my daughter every now and then. Her biting sarcasm is still one of the purer things in life.
None of this is what I’ve asked for. If Emily can’t decide, I can understand it. I just can’t understand the constant ebb and flow of emotion. It’s not like me. I either dive in headfirst or I remain in the back, waiting for a better opportunity. Maybe life is trying to change my habits. Maybe it’s about time I grow up… again, and again.
In the morning, there’s work to be done. Constant work. I’m not selling the business. That was an idea I shouldn’t have ever argued for. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I love this woman. Emily is the one thing in my life that feels perfect. Normally, that kind of emotion just goes away. With her, it’s a straight line. I know she’s the one. That’s why I’m going to improve this business. I’m going to own the best damn carpentry shop in all of town.
I make my coffee, I take a shower, and when I go downstairs, I proudly announce, “Today is the first day of our new business.”
Four eyes stare up at me with apathy and distrust. “Another one of your brilliant ideas?” Hanson rolls his eyes.
“No.” I shrug. “Not really. But since we’re doing the repairs to get everything up to code, I thought we might as well try something new. I’m going to ask Susan to buy her out of the company.”
“No fucking way,” he laughs at me.
Emily has a different tone. Her eyes widen and a big smile forms on her face. “Seriously?”
“I’m serious, guys,” I say. I grab a chair and sit down. “I also think we should start building other things alongside of cabinets and furniture.”
“Wait, wait, wait. Back up a minute.” Hanson waves his frustrated hand. “When are you going to ask her? Also, do you really think that’s going to work out for you? Susan’s a bit of a shrewd businesswoman.”
I knew he was going to ask the easy questions, but there’s not an easy answer to give him. Of course it’s all speculative. Nothing is ever set in stone, especially things that come to Susan. Still, there’s no point in wasting days not trying.
“It’s not going to be a cakewalk,” I tell him, plain and simple.
“I didn’t expect a fucking cake,” he sighs back.
“Hanson, shut up!” Emily snarls. I smile this time and look proudly at her.
“I want to eventually take on big projects. Housing. Communities,” I say.
Hanson is still bothered by the whole idea and I know why. It’s going to take a lot of convincing to get him on board, but I’m not backing down yet. “So you want to drive everyone out with your community-style neighborhoods, your cul-de-sacs, your—”
“Did he say that?” Emily shoves his shoulder. “Just listen and then react for once.”
“The key would be making these places affordable. I’m tired of making old-style chairs for people who have way too much money in their bank accounts. It keeps us afloat, sure. But why can’t we do both? Why can’t we get in the business of helping people?”
“Because we’re a business.” Hanson sighs.
“A carpentry business,” I tell him. “We’re supposed to be the builders, the people who give people comfort.”
“At a price,” he says.
“Anyway, it’s not up to us to set the price. If there’s a developer, they can decide on that sort of thing. Hell, the state can if they want to. I just want to get in there and feel like my time isn’t being wasted.”
“We’ll need more manpower,” Emily says.
“We’ll need more money,” Hanson says.
“Anything is possible,” I tell them. “Just leave it to me. We’ll get it done.”
Hanson sighs and goes back to work. Emily keeps a steady eye on me as I walk over to her. “You’re serious?” she asks again. This time, she’s not smiling as big.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her. I put my hand against her thigh and move it upward.
“Not here,” she whispers, looking away.
I’m filled with confusion. She’s still playing this damn game with me. Push and pull. I can’t take it, but I’m at work. I’m forced to. I quietly take my hand off her thigh and feel a sinking, burning feeling in my chest.
“Can you tell me what’s going on?” I ask her, one last time.
“I’m just worried that you’re diving into all of this too fast, too soon. What if expanding isn’t the best option? Hanson’s right, you don’t have endless amounts of wealth,” she says. “And Susan… you know, Susan. She’s not going to buy into your plan if it doesn’t involve her. What’s she going to do? Not have a business anymore?”
I laugh, more out of spite than anything. I stare up at the ducts in the ceiling and try to think enough about all of this to find a response. “Susan’s boyfriend makes enough money to support both her and Lisa. She doesn’t need this business,” I reason with her.
“Yeah,” she trails off slightly. “I guess so. I think she needs you, Michael.”
I sigh and walk out of the room, expecting to take a few minutes alone and get back to work, but instead she follows me to the other room. “I’m not trying to fight with you,” she says.
“I know you’re not, and I’m not trying to run away when things get tough. I’m just trying to make all of this work,” I say, leaning against the wall.
“I know you are.” She looks apologetic, but also there’s a faint gleam of guilt. I can’t interpret these things right now. I have to ignore it. “You’ve always tried to make it work.”
“So what’s your deal?” I ask her. I touch her arm and she glances at my fingers, delicately grazing her skin.
“I don’t know. I’m just going through something. I’ve been thinking about Chicago a lot. There are just a lot of bad memories. I really want to move past it. I want bigger things, like what you’re saying. But I’m scared of what could happen,” she says.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her.
“When does Susan go on her little trip?” she blurts out.
“Why? You want to spend the night?�
�� I smile.
“That, and maybe you, me, and Lisa could all do something. I still haven’t gotten to know her too well, yet,” she says.
I don’t know what it is, but there’s nothing sexier than a woman who’s interested in getting to know your kid. I grab her by the waist and squeeze. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in, exhaling as ridges of air palpitate within her lungs. I look at her red lips and feel my cock grow hard.
Before our lips meet, her thigh slides against mine. It passes by my hard shaft and I grow weary, yet strong. I push her against the wall, and she lets out a short moan. She reaches down and runs her hand over me, so light and delicate that I have to push my body even closer.
Our lips crush together and I’m swirling in everything good she has to give the world. In these moments, I’m the luckiest man alive because I have everything. I push my hand around the bottom of her skirt. I slide up and pull down her panties. I feel her, really feel her. And when two fingers push inside her, her body extends against the paneling.
“No,” she eventually whispers. “I want to suck your cock.”
“What?” I pause. I nearly shake my head at my own question. What do I care? But I want to feel her. I want to feel that warm pussy, sliding over my cock for the first time in the day. I want to feel all of my troubles let go, in the one moment. And then, I want to experience something entirely wrong with her. I want her to beg.
“Let me suck your cock.” She smiles, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. It’s impossible to say no to something like that. I don’t say a word. I pull on the side of her beautiful, thick hair. I pull until she slowly lowers her body to the ground.
She reaches out in front of her, touching the edge of my jeans. She runs her index finger on the edge of my gold zipper, cold and rigid. She slowly unbuttons and feels as my cock grows harder by the second.
With her teeth, she pulls the zipper down. I place my palm against her soft cheek. I want to kiss her again, and then I want to show her who’s boss. Yet, I stay still, waiting for her to act. She pulls my jeans down and in my boxer briefs is something that cannot be contained. From the center, she unbuttons, and it comes out, warm, thick, and hard.
“Jesus,” she whispers. “You’ve never been this hard yet.”
“I haven’t been with you in a while,” I say.
“It’s been like a day,” she laughs.
“Whatever you say,” I whisper, closing my eyes.
And when her mouth opens wide, my eyes fall on her. They hold steady and never falter, yet my body nearly trembles when I feel her warm tongue slide across my shaft. Grabbing her hair, I feel each strand. Soft as silk, sweet as an angel. That’s what Emily is.
I can’t control myself. I grab a fist of her hair and push in deeper, until I bottom out to her throat. I pull back out and she takes in deep breaths. I lean forward and taste her lips with mine. My tongue runs smooth across hers.
“You like it rough, don’t you?” I whisper.
She nods. Anything for me. Anything for the boss. “Yes, sir,” she pants.
“Stick out that tongue for me, baby,” I say.
She does as she’s told. I lick her tongue and stand up, looming above her. She reaches out to grab my cock again, but I take her hand in mine, instead. Our fingers intertwine. A rush of euphoric excitement pulses into my body. With my other hand, I feel how hard I’ve gotten. My heart is beating at an erratic pace.
I let go and feel her tongue with my thumb. This drives me crazy. I move forward, as my cock touches the center of her tongue. It unfolds and curls around me. It pulls me into the center, that comfortable darkness that always offers more than you’re willing to bargain for. Her eyes dart up at me with lust. They seem to say, “Cum for me.” At least, that’s how I take it.
I can let this ride out longer, or I can let go. I choose the latter, grabbing onto the walls. Her eyes are fixed on me. My vision goes blurry. I nod in her direction. Yes. It’s going to happen and it’s going to happen now.
I feel my muscles tighten and all of the pivotal points in my body go haywire. My blood pumps, my eyes close, and then I feel absolute warmth, absolute perfection. I open my eyes for one second and see her. That’s when I know. I can’t ever let her go. Somehow, I need to keep her satisfied with me.
Because there’s always that sliver of doubt. There’s always the small chance that this isn’t going as well as you thought. I’ve made a lot of shitty decisions in my life. I can’t brag about the path I’ve been on, but I can make things right for the future.
“All gone,” she says, smiling.
“God, I love you,” I reply, falling to her level. I kiss her endlessly, before having to walk back into that garage. She doesn’t say a word, but keeps that pretty smile on lock. When we walk back in, something changes. She sits down as Hanson carefully eyes us both. We’re silent. We’re pretending to be good workers. But I can’t keep my eyes focused on the carpentry. I glance up and she’s staring at me, nipples hard as rocks.
“I love you too,” she mouths back.
Emily
The fateful words, full of fright, wonder, and hope. They contain a wish, more than they contain a statement. “I love you.” What does that mean? It means, “I’ve had too many good times with you for this to be real life.” So you drop out of reality for a while. You do things in accordance to the feeling you have for one another.
“I love you.” It also means, “I hope you’ll make this last. Please make this last. For me.” Most of the time, it doesn’t last. I’m just being honest. Most of the time, you go through the upswing and brace for impact when you come back down. Most of the time, that painful ending takes years to finish.
I’ve always been afraid of saying it. I’ve known the realities that come with “love.” But I also know the feeling of transcendence. It’s that simple understanding that comes with real love. With Dennis, I had that. Sure, I had it. I understood him all too well. I accepted his behavior and lowered my head for him.
Look where that got me.
With Michael, however, it’s clearly different. He’s honest and hardworking, perhaps to a fault. He’s available and everything I’ve been waiting for, but there’s always that nagging feeling inside of me. Will this work out? Will it last forever? Because if it doesn’t, I don’t want to continue opening my heart up, just so that it can get ripped to shreds again.
When I’m with him and I’m snuggled against his strong arms, my heart feels bulldozed. Leveled. I’ve been holding in this whole Dennis thing and I don’t know how to tell the man I’ve fallen for that he’s here. He’s in this town right now. For all I know, he could be right outside his front door.
My phone has been buzzing all day. Of course, he can’t leave me alone. He needs more, more, and more. It’s just his way. “If you were to go anywhere and do anything,” Michael whispers into my ear, “what would you do?”
His lips brush against the cartilage. Goose bumps shoot across my body. “Anywhere?” I ask.
“Anywhere in the whole entire world,” he says.
His hand runs up and down my back. I feel pampered, loved, and fully his. But I’m still distant. I’m still in the center of his world, yet far away, in the stars. “Marseilles,” I say. “The coast of France. I’ve always dreamed of going.”
“What would you do when you got there?” he asks me.
“I have no clue,” I laugh. “Get a boat. Sit by the water every day. Read books. Hell, maybe I’d even write one.”
“And stuff your mouth with delicious pastries?” he asks.
“Way too many pastries. And espresso. Lots of espresso. And wine. And cheese. Oh God, why do you ask me stuff like this? Now I want to be there,” I pout.
“Maybe we can go someday,” he tells me.
I close my eyes and dream of it. I feel the warm breeze fall across my face and hair. I can smell the coffee, the sea, and I can hear the men on the boats talking as the women walk past and smile. In this visio
n, the world is big and wonderful. It’s not just one town, one job, one possible outcome. It’s not a prison. It’s not Chicago. In this vision, I’m free. I can finally be myself.
Yet, I know it’s just a dream. It’s all just a dream. In the end, there’s too much to be done here, in my new city. And as long as I’m with Michael, it’ll all turn out okay. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” I tell him. “It’s not fun to me.”
Dennis is waiting, lurking in the shadows. His mouth pursues a dark grin, bearing his sharp teeth. His wild hair blows in the wind. There is darkness all around me and all exit signs have been dimmed. “Once we figure everything out, we can do what we want. We just need to be patient a little while longer,” Michael says.
I simply nod my head. Maybe. Oh, probably. “Summer trips would be nice,” I whisper to myself.
“Easily done,” he tells me.
Still, I have to hold on to what’s real right now. I can’t keep falling into the dream of perfection. It’s just a catalyst for a big letdown. Usually, anyway. I kiss his arms and he releases me. I stand on his carpet and stretch my arms, breasts proudly displayed for him. He smiles and reaches out one hand. His fingers circle around my nipple, squeezing lightly.
I pull away, smiling and he groans in sexual anguish. “When is Lisa getting here?” I ask him.
He checks his phone and blinks his eyes a few times. The dream slowly escapes him, until he’s finally back in reality with me. “About five minutes,” he says.
But as soon as he says those exact words, I hear the front door open. I look at Michael to ask if I should hide, but he holds up his hand. Nevertheless, I grab my clothes and quickly put them on. I hear Susan’s heels clicking against the downstairs tile, coming closer and closer to the room. A knock sends chills up my spine, but Michael just laughs and opens the door.
“What’s up?” he asks her, shirtless and all.
“Oh lord, Michael.” She rolls her eyes. “Already sleeping with the interns?”