She's sitting on the top of a picnic table, our picnic table, under the pavilion, staring in the direction of the pond. Her long wavy hair is loose now and she's got her legs pulled up tight to her chest, arms wrapped around them as if she's trying to make herself as small as possible. Making a wide circle around the structure, I approach quietly from directly in front of her, taking care not to scare her by coming up from behind. Still she doesn't move or seem to know I'm here. As I get closer I can see her eyes are shut tightly and silent tears are trailing down her cheeks. She's crying. She's alone and crying and I don't fucking know what to do. So I do the one thing that used to make her feel better when she was sad and alone years ago... I let her know that she's not.
"Hey, Munchkin," I call quietly, still a good distance away. Her head pops up, eyes snapping open at my approach. Fear, confusion, recognition, surprise, all flash quickly over her features. "What are you doing out here in the middle of the night alone, Paige? It's not safe." Chastising her wasn't part of my plan so I smile to soften the words.
Her eyes widen as disbelief bleeds across her face, even as a few more tears escape down her flushed cheeks. "Briggs," she sighs on an exhale. She looks so much younger than she did on her front porch now that her hair is down and her face is makeup free. As expected from my earlier glimpse, she's beautiful, only now she's more like the Paige I remember, young and sweet and innocent.
"How Briggs? How are you here?" Before I can answer, she drops her forehead to her knees and her shoulders begin to tremble. It takes only a second for me to realize she's crying again. Oh fuck, she's crying hard.
Blind to anything beyond Paige, I close the last of the distance between us in three strides. Before I can even reach for her, she's off the table, arms wrapped tightly around my neck, head buried in the hollow of my throat. Her tears wet my skin and the sobs racking her body are killing me. Instinctively, I rub the back of her head, reciting meaningless platitudes about how it's going to be okay, I'm here and she needs to calm down. I expected surprise and maybe even a tear or two, but I never anticipated this flood of emotion currently pouring off her. I guess my fear that she’d forgotten about me was unfounded.
"Hey now, calm down. Please. You're freaking me out a little bit here. Take some deep breaths."
I attempt to quiet her when I realize she's mumbling into my neck. Over and over she's apologizing. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought I'd never see you again. I'm so sorry."
"Paige, please, don't cry. You have nothing to be sorry for. It's me who should be sorry. I'm so damn sorry it took me this long to come back. I've missed you." Threading my fingers through her hair, I tilt her head back and use both thumbs to dry her tears. "Three deep breaths. Okay? Just calm down. You're fine." I smile reassuringly, hoping the method I used to calm her down all those years ago still works. Eyes fluttering closed, she sucks in a deep breath, her eyebrows pinching together like she's in pain, but the tears seem to stop. On the next inhale, her forehead relaxes and the tight grip she has on my jacket eases. Finally, she opens her eyes, taking the last breath I asked for, a weak smile lifting the corners of her mouth.
"I've missed you, so much." Sadness and disbelief haunt the imperceptible shaking of her head. "Happy Birthday, Briggs."
That squeeze in my chest is back, the one that feels like all the muscles around my heart just contracted simultaneously. She remembered my fucking birthday. I'm shocked and yet not surprised at all. Not gonna lie, part of me feared I had blown the significance of our friendship out of proportion. But part of me, a small stubborn part, knew it meant every bit as much to her as it had to me.
"Thank you, Paige. That means the world." I pour every ounce of sincerity I have into the words because it's the fucking truth. "I know it's late and I have a long drive home, but do you have time? Can we talk for a few?” It's so damn overdue.
She doesn't respond, simply moves from my embrace and backs toward the picnic table. Dragging me by the hand, she climbs onto the top, settling her sneakers on the bench. I sink down next to her and rest our clasped hands on my knee, unwilling to break the contact. Her warm skin on mine feels so good, so right. It's like the two years apart don't exist in this moment. It's just Paige and me, sitting on our table, in our park and nothing has changed. I feel her head tip to my shoulder, her cheek resting against the rough material of my denim jacket and in that instant I feel my lungs expand. For the first time in two years, I feel like I can breathe again.
We sit like this for a long time, neither one saying anything, both of us content to be silent. It was always like this when we were alone, words never necessary to fill up the empty spaces. We filled those spaces for each other just by being together. I'm running out of time though and I have to ask.
"So, fancy meeting you here." Maybe humor will get her talking, hopefully without bringing back her tears. I hear her chuckle so I press on. "What are you doing out here, Munchkin? It's the middle of the night. Why were you sitting out here crying all by yourself?"
"So many reasons," she hedges and I give her hand a squeeze in encouragement. "Too many reasons Briggs. I don't want to dump them on you. I’m sure you didn’t come back for that."
"Hey, you tell me everything and I tell you everything. That's how it is for us, remember? That's how we work." At least that's how I remember us working. Complete honesty, complete trust. We used to be each other's safe place. "I came back for you, for whatever you need. So spill it."
"You sure?" At my nod she continues. "Okay, then. Things got kind of rough after you left. The girls in my class still hated me, probably even more than before and the guys treated me like I was a slut. I mean why else would you have spent time with me, right?" Her self-deprecating laugh breaks my heart. What the fuck? "I thought it would get better in high school you know? Little fish, bigger pond and all. But it didn't. The mean girls got meaner. Turns out the big pond just makes it easier for them to get away with shit. And the guys either ignore me, which I'm fine with, or they're trying to get in my pants, which I'm not. Most days I don't let it get to me, but the dance tonight sucked and I was lonely and sad and I hated that I was missing another one of your birthdays." She lifts her head, pulling back to rest her chin on her shoulder as she gives me a shy smile, "So I came out here to sit on our table, all alone and miss you in peace.”
"Does that mean you want me to go? I mean, if you want to be alone and all..." I tease, trying levity since I have no fucking idea how to deal with the swarm of emotions her little speech stirred in my gut.
"No, I want you to stay. Please tell me you'll stay." My humor is forgotten with her serious tone as I recognize the deeper meaning to her words.
"I'll stay, Paige. I'm not going anywhere." Her nod is somber, and suddenly so am I. "So, the guy on your porch didn't seem to be ignoring you. Does that mean he's trying to get in your pants?" Saying the words makes my jaw tense.
"Ugh… you saw that? And just when I thought tonight couldn't be more embarrassing. Awesome." Even with moonlight as our only illumination, I see the blush that spreads up her cheeks. She turns to stare out over the water, avoiding eye contact.
With a deep breath, she straightens her spine in resolution before she continues. "I don't know. I don't think that's what he's trying to do, but I really can't tell. He seems nice enough, walks me to class sometimes, defends me when he can. Although after my freak-out tonight, I doubt he'll be back. And you being there to witness that is just the cherry on top of my shit sundae."
"Come on, it wasn't that bad."
"Seriously?" Her tone is incredulous. "He tried to kiss me and I freaked. I gave him my cheek, Briggs, then ran in the house like a scared little kid. He either thinks I'm a prude or he thinks I'm not into him. Either way, I'm sure he's out of here."
"Okay, relax. First of all, if he gives up that easily, then he doesn't deserve you. Secondly, it wasn't that bad. I saw it, remember? So you gave him your cheek. Big deal. It's good to keep him guessing. And third, I know I've been
gone awhile, but we're still friends and friends don't have to be embarrassed in front of each other, so just get over that."
"Fine. I guess I'm not really used to having friends then." The silence that follows is pensive and sad, though not uncomfortable. But there's something missing from her story that I just can't let go of.
"Paige." I say it softly, waiting for her to look up at me. When she makes eye contact I forge ahead with the question that's been plaguing me since she bolted in her front door. "Why didn't you kiss him?" It doesn't matter and it's none of my business. But damn, I want to know the reason. Why the fuck do I need to know?
With a small smile she looks back out over the pond, giving me a chance to study her profile. She's as beautiful on the outside now as she always was on the inside. Like an age-progression photograph, I still see the girl I knew, but she's morphing into the woman she'll become. It's mesmerizing and distracting. I almost forget my question until she speaks.
"I didn't kiss him because it wasn't right. I was too nervous. Maybe because I've never been kissed before and it just wasn't how I, you know... imagined my first kiss. Mostly, I think it was because I spent the entire day thinking about another guy and it just felt wrong."
"You've never been kissed?"
Paige drops her chin to her chest, her hair shielding her face from my view. "No Briggs, I've never been kissed. It's not like I'm the only fifteen-year-old that's never been kissed. And I may have mentioned my pariah status?"
"Paige.” Insecurity eats at me. I'm not ready to hear her answer, fearing it won't be the one I want, but I push forward anyway. "Who did you spend the whole day thinking about?" Without realizing it, anxiety has me holding my breath. I've spent so much damn time over the last two years thinking about this girl and I probably shouldn't care so much about her answer, but I do.
She sits up, her gaze never leaving the pond. "Today's your birthday, Briggs." Four simple whispered words and my chest expands, my mind races. This girl is the only thing that ever mattered to me, the only bright spot in a sea of shit, and that one sentence just affirmed that I mean something to her too. And, fuck, if her answer didn't just make me happier than I've been in years.
Before I can categorize all of the reasons this is a bad idea, I'm on my feet and standing directly in front of her, waiting for her gaze to shift from the pond to my face. Hesitating, I search for something in her eyes, weighing her reaction to my nearness. Her bewilderment is obvious, but there's something else hidden beneath it. Curiosity, eagerness, longing. So I ask the question.
"What if I did it? What if it was me?" Her eyes darken, confusion and surprise swirling in their blue depths, but she doesn't say anything.
"I want to be your first kiss, Paige. Please let me do it." Her quick intake of breath makes me think I have a chance, but then her eyes cloud with embarrassment and before I can react, she drops her gaze.
"I don't want a sympathy kiss, Briggs. I don't want my first kiss to be because some guy is feeling sorry for me. I'm not that pathetic." The blush on her cheeks deepens to a dark red stain.
"Paige. Look at me." I tilt her chin up with my fingers, forcing her eyes to mine. "I'm not some guy. I'm your friend. I know I've been gone a long time and I'm sorry, really fucking sorry. But I'm still yours." Was that guilt flashing across her face? I must have imagined it, because she has nothing to feel guilty for. "Listen, I drove an hour and a half on my birthday because I thought about you all day too. I've missed you a shitload and I can't imagine a better birthday present than being your first kiss." And goddamn if that truth doesn't knock me on my ass. It's not what I came here for; hell nothing about this scenario is anything I expected. But in an instant I know there is nothing I want more.
I lean forward, resting my hands on her thighs, just above her knees, gently pushing them apart to accommodate my hips. When she looks down, I once again force her eyes back up, this time with a whispered command. "Look at me Paige," I breathe out, leaning in the rest of the way. I ghost my lips over hers and whisper, "It's just me." Then I kiss her.
At first it's just a brush across her lips, but it steals my breath. She's soft and warm and pliable under my touch and in an instant I realize I've never done this before. I've kissed other girls, but it has never been this. Whatever's happening, it's like no other kiss I've had. With Paige it feels completely different.
When her hands move up my chest, I tighten my grip on her thighs, pulling her in closer. I lick the seam of her lips, wanting to deepen the kiss, but trying not to push her. On a slight intake of breath, her lips part and I take advantage. Stroking into her mouth, I taste her tongue as it tentatively plays with mine. She's sweet and mint and heat and home. Angling my head, I intensify the kiss, my tongue seeking hers over and over again. My fingers flex on her thighs, desperate to roam, but I won't let them. This is her first kiss and I'm making damn sure to respect that. Paige shifts her hands over my shoulders, pulling me closer, her fingers tangling in the hair at the base of my neck.
Instinctively I pull back, not breaking the kiss, but softening it, slowing it down. I've never lost myself this completely in a kiss, every part of me engaged in the moment. Sucking her bottom lip into my mouth, I graze my teeth along the inside before swiping my tongue in one last time.
Slowly, regretfully, I break my lips free and rest my forehead against hers, struggling to even out my breathing. My racing heart is loud in the silence. Can she hear it? Jesus kisses aren't supposed to be like that, are they? I see her chest rising and falling, the pace as frenetic as my own. Get it together man, you're supposed to be the experienced one here. But damn this girl just rocked my world.
"Happy Birthday, Briggs." Her ragged whisper cascades over my lips and I can't help the slow smile that splits my face or the chuckle that slips out. Understatement much?
"Best present ever." I'm such a dork right now, but it's Paige, so I don't care. And her laugh makes it worth it. It's been a damn long time since I've heard that sound. There might not be anything on earth I've missed that much. Except maybe her. I've missed her that much.
"So, how was it?" I wince as soon as the question escapes. I stopped needing validation a long time ago; when I first realized I would never be good enough. Maybe Declan's family wanting me to stick around is giving me hope. Hope that eventually I will be good enough for someone. Maybe it's Paige. Maybe she's the only person in my life whose approval I still need.
I feel like an idiot, but I don't take it back. I want her answer.
"It was… exactly how I imagined," she smiles slowly. "And then it was way better than that." The way she bites her bottom lip after she says it makes her seem nervous. The way my heart soars after she says it is ridiculous and I don't fucking care. Best birthday ever.
Even with the craziness swimming around in my head, I feel calm around her, always have. When everything else in my life was noise, chaos... Paige was a quiet place for me. If it meant I could hold on to this feeling, I would stay here all night. Hell, I could seriously never leave her side and be perfectly happy. Only I can't stay. Fuck. I really need to get going, but I don't even want to say the words.
"Damn it, I'm so sorry but I have to head home. I was here a while waiting for you and it's a pretty long drive and I borrowed Dec's car and he needs it early for work in the morning." It all tumbles out in a run-on sentence, but I can't help it.
"Dec?" she asks, confusion evident on her face.
"Declan is my foster brother. He's a great guy and I can't wait until you meet him. He lent me his car and he pushed me to come down here..."
"He pushed you? So you didn't want to?" The sadness on her face carves a hole in my chest. This is why I'm the silent type. When I open my mouth I fuck everything up.
"No, no Paige, I really wanted to come see you, I promise. But I wasn't sure if I should. I wasn't sure if you would want to see me. Dec just gave me the push I needed. And I am so fucking glad he did."
"Don't ever doubt, Briggs. I will always want t
o see you." The truth in her eyes makes me believe every damn word.
"Okay, next time I won't hesitate. But seriously, I have to hit the road. Let me walk you home first though. You shouldn't be out here by yourself in the middle of the night. Anything could happen."
"Yes, Daddy." She jokes, jumping off the table, shoving me back in the process.
"Oh my God... do not ever call me Daddy. We just kissed you sicko." Her laughter reminds me of all the best times I had in this town and I throw my arm around her shoulder, turning us back towards her house. It's all I can do not to give her a noogie and by the look she's throwing me, she knows it too. Two years apart and this girl still knows me better than anyone.
We cross the park, then head around the back of her house, tension growing in my shoulders with each step. It wasn’t enough time, not nearly long enough for all the things I want to say to her, all the things I need to tell her. She pivots when we reach her window, still sitting wide open in the February chill. I wish I could climb through that window with her like I’ve done dozens of times before. Pull out the spare pillow and blanket she used to keep under her bed for me and spend the night on her bedroom floor, pretending I was there to keep her company, but knowing I was there so I wouldn’t be alone. Knowing I was there because having Paige around always chased my nightmares away.
“Briggs, I didn’t get a chance to find out anything about you. Where have you been? Where do you live? What have you been doing?” There's uncertainty etched in her face and her hand clutches my sleeve like she's afraid I'm going to take off.
“Hey, relax. I won’t disappear on you again okay? I’ll be back and we’ll keep in touch. I promise. Give me your phone. I’ll put my number in it.” Her hesitation confuses me. Does she not want to keep in touch? She can’t not want my number can she? “Paige?”
"I left my phone on the charger. Let me run in and get it." She heads towards the window, but I grab her sweatshirt and pull her back, realizing for the first time it's not actually her sweatshirt. It's so big on her because it's one of my old hoodies. Jesus, this girl is good for my ego. And she needs to be more careful.
Between Hearts: A Romance Anthology Page 38