Her lips moved, seeking the right words, knowing the ones she couldn’t say, unwilling to say the only truth she was allowed to speak. “Alex,” she said desperately. “I came here to die. How can I do that if I love you?”
“Love beats death every time,” he replied. “You of all people know that.”
She held her hands out, pleading. “It hurts. Don’t make me love you.”
“I don’t have to,” he said, coming up to her and catching hold of her hands. “It’s already done.”
He pulled her close and a moan rose from the back of her throat, perhaps the back of her skull. Then his mouth was on hers and she moved against him, and he thought he’d go mad with joy.
Say it, Jaguar.
She groped for his hand, pressed it against her heart so he could feel it beating hard against his skin.
I have never loved any man except you, except you Alex I love you.
He kept his hand on her heart, wanting what lived there. He would do this in empathic contact. Wanted to make love to her that way. With full intent. At full risk.
This way, he said. All of you and all of me.
Now, Alex?
Now is what we have.
Now. Now. All or nothing, here in the land where everything was necessary. He’d never tried it before, and from what she’d told him neither had she. They didn’t know what would happen. But at least here, if they achieved critical mass, nobody would be hurt. And the stones would remember them. The wind would sing their song.
She let herself wash into him and he joined her at the place where he was only Alex and she was only Jaguar. They washed into each other, sweet as evening. Sweet as cool sleep and waking in sun. He felt her shiver of pleasure as she felt his, and both felt the spark of what it meant to the other. They became fire feeding fire, the fury of her passion a song he sang back to her here in this deep place, hidden and nurtured like wild strawberries growing under long grass. His hands ran over her breasts, her belly, down her hips and the back of her thighs. She bit at his face, the side of his neck, biting and kissing with a hunger long denied.
They dropped their robes onto the sandy soil and became no more than the animals they shared soul with, who danced with them here, elegantly, on the mesa.
* * * *
This is how her skin tasted to him. Like wild strawberries that disappear on the tongue and smell of stars.
And her lips, soft and smooth under his, and her thighs pressing against him, her mouth, sliding across his shoulder, tasting like wild strawberries on the tongue. This is where they met each other, sweet and sure, direct as stars. He tasted and fed her the longing that lived in his mouth, and she drank it and gave him back what poured down her throat.
You taste like stars, he whispered into her.
This is how he touched her breasts, how they felt in his mouth and how she felt him tasting them.
All this? All this, Alex?
This, and more.
This is how he pulled her onto the sand under him, and pressed himself into her as her body stretched to meet him, drawing him in, tidal and sure. This the arch of her back as she tilted her hips to him. This the feel of his bones moving against her hips. This the rhythm they found with no breaks in it, rocking like thunder on the desert floor, the sky falling all around. This is how he put his fingers to her face and kept her eyes with his, how she bruised his skin with her nails, feeling his joy as it joined hers, which he absorbed like a morning of first stars.
Jaguar, here. This. Like this.
Yes. This. At last.
This.
This is how he gave her the sky, the epicenter of the quake, the place where he could break like glass. This is how she swam within it, and how he felt her delicate motion. This her lightning coursing the pathways of his nerves and how she knew his joy at its song. This his howl into the night of her mouth and why he must go deeper always deeper to find her again and again and feel her witness what his discovery meant to him.
Here. I give you this, Jaguar. All the gods know it’s always been yours.
This is the gift he gave her, as he found her and let himself be found. This is the gift she gave him, drawing him in to where depth and breadth became moot measures because all was depth, all was breadth.
And their eyes, seeing the universe in each other and themselves.
And the names they called to the arid night, the divine arms that wrapped them.
Jaguar, he cried into the sea of her that he knew like his own heart.
Alex, she called to the earth he was made of that she lived within.
* * * *
When the stars had set and the sky in the east began to go silver, her eyes were still open, looking at him without cover or defense.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“I feel everything,” he answered. “All at once, without exception. You?
“Honey in the heart,” she said.
“Honey in the heart,” he repeated. He kissed her and found she tasted no less sweet at dawn than she had at midnight. A good sign, he thought.
“You are so beautiful,” he murmured, “So beautiful, Jaguar.”
“Hush,” she said. “There’s better ways to use your mouth than flattery.”
He laughed, and complied.
Chapter 20
Jake woke in the early morning light to something that sounded like a squealing pig. He was old, maybe forgot a few things now and then, but he knew they didn’t have any pigs on the premises.
He swung his legs out of bed and found that One Bird was, as usual, just a little ahead of him, pushing herself into a housedress.
“What is it?” Jake asked.
“It’s the girl,” she told him. She looked out the window. “I think—Red Feather’s got her. She’s kicking hard, though.” She chuckled in approval.
They exited the house, and when Maya saw them, she went from squealing to screeching.
“Tell him to let me go,” she screeched. “I have to go lemme go!”
“Hold on,” Jake said, and walked over to them. He put a hand on Red Feather’s shoulder. “It’s okay. We’ll take it from here.”
“She’s a little crazy. You know that,” Red Feather observed.
“That’s okay,” One Bird said. “He likes his women that way.”
Red Feather grinned and loosened his hold. Maya slid from his arms to the ground, picked herself up, and took off at a run.
“Hey,” Jake yelled. “I’m too old to chase you.”
She looked back, stumbled and fell. Then she sat in the dust, lowering her head into her hands. Jake and One Bird walked over and squatted down next to her.
“Maybe,” One Bird suggested, “you should tell us what you want. Maybe we can help.”
She lowered her hands from her tear and dirt stained face. “It’s Jaguar. I have to find her. She doesn’t understand he’s a liar.”
Jake reached over and ran a finger lightly across her forehead. “You have a dream about her?”
Maya’s eyes grew wide. “How do you know?”
“He’s good at dreams,” One Bird said. “Everybody’s gotta be good at something. What did you dream?”
“She—she was up on a hill. Not a hill. Like a big flat piece of rock. He was there. And she believed him, but he’s a liar and if she believes him, he’ll kill her. I have to go and tell her.”
Jake turned to One Bird. “What do you think?” he asked.
One Bird closed her eyes, then opened them again. “Let her go.”
Jake shook his head. “We don’t know a lot about her yet. Maybe she’s—”
“If you already decided,” One Bird said, “why’d you ask me?”
Jake pressed his hands against his knees and rose with a groan. “I’ll get a car. We can drive her most of the way in, then leave her off. I suppose she can’t make it any worse.”
* * * *
In the later part of the morning Alex put his jeans and t-shirt back on and took the trek back
to the airrunner to get more water and food, supplies in case they had to wait through another day for Senci to show. By the time he returned the sun was riding toward noon, but when he crested the top of the mesa Jaguar was nowhere to be seen.
A moment of panic gripped him. He dropped his backpack and started moving toward the grotto where they’d done the ceremony. Just before he called her name he saw her walking out from behind a stand of boulders. She still wore the ceremonial dress of the night before, which created the strange perception that she was a living stone painted in glyphs, moving to him.
“Jesus,” he said, when she was close enough to hear him. “Don’t scare me that way.”
“I had to pee, Alex,” she replied. “Did you want to watch?”
“I—what is it, Jaguar?”
“He’s getting closer. I can feel him.”
Alex was aware of his heart pounding, equally aware of her shift into high tension.
“Jaguar, there’s still time. We can get to the airrunner, take it back to Jake’s or head out for a shuttle.”
Her face showed compassion. “You know we can’t. And you know what you have to do. You made a promise.”
He opened his mouth to argue then stopped himself. “I’ll do what’s right,” he said carefully. “Just sit next to me. Let’s go into this quietly.”
She folded herself on the ground next to him and he held onto her hands. They were cold. He gathered what strength he had and put it into them for her.
“You can’t back out,” she said. “It’s not just me. You know what he is. What he can do. All the children he could take—what I might do if he takes me. Alex, this is too important not to get it right.”
“Did I say I’d partner you? I won’t let him do any of that.”
“Okay. I—okay. Listen, there’s something else. Make sure—my body—” she paused.
This was too much, he thought. Too much for either of them.
“Get it back to Jake and One Bird. They’ll know what to do,” she concluded.
“Don’t talk. Rest a minute. One minute more is ours.”
“I shouldn’t have let you love me. Shouldn’t have let myself—”
“Like I said. Love beats death every time. Let it, Jaguar. Just let it.”
She slowed her breathing and rested her hands in his, allowing him to give her this gift of one moment. One moment more between them. Her eyes, sea green and gold as the earth, held his, and he let them. Let her hold on for as long as she wants, he thought. For as long as she wants she can hold me. Forever.
Her head jerked back and she stared past him, out onto the canyon floor. “He’s here,” she said. “You have to go. Over there in the rocks.” She pointed to a stand of boulders about 15 feet away.
“Jaguar—“
“Go,” she snapped. “Now.”
No time left to tell her, to talk her into it. He’d have to play it out, and hope she caught up. She usually did. He moved quickly to the rocks, and soon was invisible among them.
Chapter 21
She stood very still, her back to the sun. Senci appeared on the other side of the mesa and began to walk toward her across the broad expanse of smooth white stone and scattered sage, past the place where Alex crouched behind boulders. Closer. He was getting closer.
“So,” she said. “Here we are at last.”
At last. At last.
Senci curved a hand out and she felt herself pulled to him. He was sure of himself now. Sure of her.
She allowed herself to be pulled. She needed to get close. He turned his eyes to her, eyes that ached with nothing. Nothing. Like old hands on her flesh.
How many years had he done this? How many years, so that life and death were the same to him, death his only concern because he would not die. What would it be like to be fucked by walking death?
Cold. The closer he drew, the colder she felt
When she was a child and he raped her, she’d gone numb quickly. He wouldn’t let her escape that way now. Instinctively, she took a step back.
His hand balled into a fist. A surge of pain coursed through her. He pulled her to him while she struggled to be still and let him.
Come to me, my Jaguar.
Nightmare. This was the nightmare part. Waves of sucking death drawing her close. She remembered the feel of it from when she was a child. But in her hand she held the means to end the nightmare. A hypodermic filled with venom, the gift of the snakes. He reached for her, draining her strength and carrying her to him. To him. Only a few more steps and he could touch her. The smell of something burning was all around. With effort, she kept hold of the needle. The wind moaned through her, around her, in her.
His face twisted in pleasure at her pain. He was feeding from it. Feeding already. Close enough to touch her now, and he was savoring the moment. A voice emerged from his coldness.
I will hold you to me. You will be bound to me forever.
No, she thought, I won’t.
Greenkeepers bound through energy, primarily the energy of fear, and in spite of everything she wasn’t afraid. Love beats death every time, Alex said. And it beats fear even worse. She did not fear him. She had the means of her own escape. He had no power over her.
No power.
That. It was important. She held herself back, took a moment to understand. That thought, it was important. It reminded her of something Jake told her, of something Alex said about why Senci chased her, why he needed her. She let it fall into place and at last, she understood, not with her mind but with her heart. A moment of luminous clarity filled her, and she spoke it.
“You couldn’t bind me,” she said with something like wonder. “You’re here because you couldn’t. Because you never could and never will.”
He smiled, but she saw the muscle twitching at his jaw.
“I wasn’t afraid of you, and I’m still not,” she said. “I knew you’d never have me, that I was better than you. And that’s why you want me.”
Of course. That was it. He could beat death, but he still feared it. She couldn’t beat death, but the fear of it didn’t rule her. Her victory was greater, and he wanted to eat it, make it his own.
“You’re the one who’s bound,” she whispered.
His eyes went dark with rage and he took two steps closer until she could smell the poison of his breath.
I will feed off you. Have what you have. Make it mine.
Now, she told herself. Do it now.
“Love beats death every time,” she muttered, and she jammed the hypo into her thigh. Soon she’d be dead. Just time enough for him to feed, and Alex would take care of the rest. She could count on him, reliable as death.
She waited to feel the first shock of poison enter her, the burning and dizziness and sharp pain.
Nothing happened.
She felt nothing. No poison. Nothing. She looked at the hypodermic cupped inside her hand. No poison filled her.
“Alex,” she whispered. “You didn’t.”
Of course I did.
His answer reverberated across the mesa, speaking into her. Of course he did. She should have known he would. Her hypo was filled with water, not venom. He wouldn’t let her do this. But what did he have as an alternative?
Looking over Senci’s shoulder, she saw him approaching, a C21 cobalt fire weapon in his hand, filled with toxic bullets. Only that? She pressed a finger against her wrist to release the glass blade of her knife. If that’s how he felt, she’d fight it out with him to the end.
Then, someone screamed.
A high-pitched chain of sound rolled over them, the kind only a little girl could produce. They all turned toward it. Maya was hurtling at them, screaming as she came.
She flung herself at Senci and attached herself to his arm, biting, kicking and screaming. Jaguar tried to pull her off like a tick or a cat whose claws were stuck. Alex raised his weapon and fired at Senci again and again.
Senci raised a hand and stopped the bullets before they could hit. Alex, r
unning toward them, kept firing until Senci flicked a wrist and Alex’s weapon flew out, landed in the dust. Quick as thought Senci backhanded Maya and she lay stunned in the dust. He twisted his face down to her, smiling.
It would take him less than a second to fling her off the mesa, only seconds more to do the same with Alex. Jaguar would not let him. Not this time.
As Alex raced toward them she raised her knife, aimed it at Senci’s heart and lunged.
Senci laughed.
Senci laughed and moved his hand, a casual gesture. Moved his hand and pulled Alex between them, just as Jaguar’s knife came down.
Her knife, meant for Senci, fell into Alex’s chest. His eyes were unsurprised, clear and glinting with some unfathomable victory as her blade entered him.
Her nightmare, inescapable. And Senci laughed.
Jaguar tried to pull back but Alex swayed and leaned into her, pushing the knife further in.
No No Alex No.
Senci laughed.
Alex grabbed Jaguar’s wrist and held hard. They stood very close, her knife in his chest, his eyes triumphant. He put a hand on her shoulder and fell to his knees, bringing her with him down to the warm, soft earth.
Jaguar.
Her lips moved, but no sound emerged. Her hand was slippery with his blood and water fell suddenly from her eyes. Her worst nightmare. No words. Nothing but horror and tears falling as if she couldn’t stop them ever again. Her deepest grief here, inescapable.
Alex released her hand and she pulled her knife from him, horrified at the feel of it, the sound of it. He moved his bloodied hand to her face, taking her tears as he gave her his blood.
Senci stood behind her and laughed.
Alex leaned heavily on her shoulder and pushed himself up to his feet. He offered his hand to Senci, who bared his teeth at it.
“Blood,” Alex said, his voice a whisper. “My blood. Hungry?”
Jaguar tried to rise but Alex held her where she was. Senci grabbed Alex’s hand and licked at it. Licked and swallowed hungrily, then stopped.
Everything in him stopped. His face twisted in pain and he clutched at his mouth, full of Alex’s blood and Jaguar’s tears.
The Green Memory of Fear Page 19