She uttered these last words in a broken voice, while a tear glimmering in her eye.
Giuseppe had a strange premonition. «I’ve changed my mind, Mom! I’ll tell you what; I'll go later to tend the animals. Jessica will be here in a couple of hours. I'll leave you with her and I’ll go to the garden. »
They sat on the couch. Giuseppe turned on the television and said exultantly to his mother:
«Look, they're showing our favorite movie: Problem Child 2! »
On the woman’s lips appeared a spontaneous smile: «That child with flaming freckles makes my stomach hurt with laughter. »
They watched the film together, hand in hand, smiling all the time.
During the end credits, while the sun was completely being engulfed by dark clouds, bringing down the gloom over the room, the woman's eyes got a dreamless sleep.
Her memories, when as a child she spent a month's vacation with the colony and went swimming for the first time in the sea. The time when she was sixteen and she had hidden behind a prickly fig tree for ten hours, because she did not want to marry that fat and disgusting man in a marriage that her parents had arranged for her, eventually her parents had succumbed to her will: she had chosen her man; the gaze of her love, when he asked her to marry him; and then he, Giuseppe, newly born squatted at her breast, and now the young man who had the same expressive look of his father, appeared one last time, as fast as fleeting fantasies: they gave her just enough time to think, "I have laughed enough. I have cried enough. I have loved enough" then those memories faded from her consciousness as if they had never existed.
She thought she felt the slight contact with the hand of her son. Then there was only darkness.
CHAPTER 16
The conference, from the day before at Harvard, had been a success. Giuseppe could not wait to go home and celebrate with Jessica.
He stopped at the florist’s on Bond Street and bought a bouquet of roses. He also passed by the liquor store and bought the most expensive bottle of champagne.
He felt full of energy, walked up the steps of the house, running and whistling.
He opened the door, calling with a tender voice:
«Hey love. Are you there? » But no one answered.
He went into the kitchen, uncorked the champagne and poured two glasses. He entered the bedroom.
«Love, are you here? There's a surprise for you. Love. »
A glint on the pillow caught his eye. It was the ring that he had given Jessica. He took it in his hands in disbelief. There was also a note. He was afraid to read it, but held back in a tear and braced himself.
I'm sorry, I and Sidne ...
Without reading the rest of the phrase, he tore the paper into little pieces, trampled the roses, drank two glasses of champagne, and threw the rest of the bottle against the wall.
An hour later he went to the university. Walking down the hall, he saw the figure of a man who was waiting at the door of his office and he thought angrily:
"What the hell does that student want? It is not office hours."
As soon as he recognized Sidney, he winced.
«What are you doing here? »
«We need to talk. »
Giuseppe’s voice was frothing with rage.
«I know everything, Jessica left me a note. »
«I'm sorry, but I love her. »
His tone was anything but friendly:
«You do not love her. You're just a shabby person who needs to feel the gratification of seduction to feel like a man. »
«I love her. »
«It's part of your nature. You have to prove to yourself that you're worth something and you look for confirmation in sex. Now that you have vented your animal instincts you might as well go. Get lost, go back to Italy! »
Sidney's voice was gentle and kind, but his tone was firm and decisive:
«I'm staying. I love her. »
«Bullshit, you don’t even know what love is. You're just a man looking for the temporary euphoria of sex, which sends you into ecstasy for a moment but then it leaves you destroyed. You are one of those men who hate how sex makes them feel but at the same time you need it. You are continuously looking for it. »
«Maybe you're right, but I did not have sex with Jessica, I made love. I love her. »
Giuseppe’s voice was harsh and his sentences shrewd.
«You've always been jealous of me, and now you want to steal the happiness that should have been mine. You want to steal my dream of marrying Jessica and have children with her. But even if you managed to do it, you would not be happy, because one day you would feel the love of the family life and the day after you would hate it, screaming for your freedom. Your heart is restless, your soul divided. You're destined to loneliness. Your nature is too fickle and contradictory. You’ll always end up destroying all those who love you. »
«I love her. »
Giuseppe grabbed his friend by the collar of his coat and shouted threateningly:
«Stop repeating that you love her. »
«I love her. » He whispered almost in tears.
Giuseppe uttered with cool self-mastery:
«You think I didn’t know that this could happen? But basically it's better like this. I did not want to live with the doubt of having been chosen only because the gambling addiction had reduced you to a human rag. Now you're back to being a human being and between the two of us, she chose you. You won, I lost. »
Sidney muttered in a choked voice: «She did not choose me. It only took her a bit of time to reflect and think that you hate her and that you do not want to see her ever again. »
Hearing those words Giuseppe felt like an electric shock. «I hate her? No, of course not. How could I hate her? »
He dialed her number on his cell phone. «Hello, I am with Sidney and he has told me everything, listen: I do not hate you. »
The woman murmured weakly:
«But I betrayed you. »
"My love for you goes beyond that. We can start over together. I know that it will not be easy, but this time it must be forever: I want your heart for me, all or nothing. You took my soul, if you want to give me yours, this time it will be forever and with no regrets, otherwise it’s better if we drop it. »
«You're right, whatever my decision is, this time it will be forever. »
Giuseppe said with a soothing tone:
«I hope that tonight you come back home. »
Jessica did not answer. She had already hung up the call. She was on a bench in Central Park and while she watched the people walk, she could only think of that last sentence she had said: "whatever my decision, this time it will be forever."
A group of chattering boys caught his attention. There were two boys and a girl of about twelve years old. They were spraying each other with some water toy guns. Their smiling faces brought happiness to Jessica for a moment. The woman smiled, closed his eyes and thought back to her, Giuseppe and Sidney from when they were little. When they passed entire days laughing. "How simple and natural it was to be happy then" she thought with a bit of serene melancholy. "And how hard it is to do it now" she said softly opening her eyes.
Meanwhile Giuseppe, after having tried to call Jessica several times, turned off the phone and stood with his eyes looking down, fixed on the display that was turned off.
Sidney told him with wonder:
«You have forgiven her. You're really a great man. »
Giuseppe uttered through clenched teeth:
«I have not forgiven you. You’re out of my house and out of my life forever. »
"It's fair. I’ll wait for Jessica’s decision, and then I’ll go back to Mosorrofa. Do you know something? If she chooses you, I hope that one day you will forgive me and we'll go back to being friends. If you need me I'll be there forever. »
The man replied with a distant voice:
«If you'll excuse me, I must go to teach. »
«I beg you, let's talk some more '. »
Giuseppe let out a smile
full of contempt. «In all these years, I have never missed a lesson. I went to class even when I had a fever of forty degrees. Imagine if I would miss a lesson to talk to you. »
Sidney turned away and walked into the hallway.
Giuseppe shouted from afar:
«Hey. »
Sidney turned around and listened with sorrow the words that his friend threw at him in anger:
«Whatever Jessica’s is, I don’t want to see you anymore. Never again. To me you're dead. »
CHAPTER 17
Giuseppe was holding the frame that for twenty-four years had been hanging in the same place, at the right corner of the mirror, between the phone and the ashtray. He caressed the photo stopping, with the fingertips, on the faces of the young couple, beautiful, in love and happy. Although he was alone in the room, he said aloud:
«Mom, Dad», then brought the frame to his heart, opened the suitcase and carefully placed the frame in the middle of the clothes, trying not to ruin it.
He put on a track suit and comfortable running shoes and started walking. With the weight of the suitcase on the right hand and with a duffel bag on the left one, he crossed the water stream. He walked in dirt roads and wooded hills and after a couple of hours he finally arrived at his destination: a ruined house in the middle of the mountain.
He knocked on a rickety door. «Sidney, are you there? Come open the door. » A few minutes passed with no response. «Move over, because I won’t be leaving this place. »
The door opened and the defeated shape of Sidney appeared.
«What are you doing here? »
Giuseppe said nothing but he hugged him with all his possible strength. He entered the cabin: there was a worm-eaten cupboard with doors unhinged, a black bag full of coal, a cot full of straw, a kitchenette and a mess of rusty objects. He threw the suitcase in the corner, opened it, took out the frame and placed on two empty beer cans and finally answered his friend’s question:
«I’m moving here. »
Sidney stammered. «What .. what do.. you ... mean ...? »
Giuseppe walked up to him and shook him by the shoulders.
«It means that true friends are known in times of need. It means that I'm sorry for not having done it before. It means that I'm not leaving here until you get back on your feet. »
Sidney looked at him with eyes full of understanding mixed with pain. «My friend, for me it's over. The fire that brightened my heart has died. There's nothing left to burn, only the white ashes! For me it is a miracle if I can get out of bed and get up in the morning. »
The friend stared at him intently. «I swear on my father. I'm not leaving here until you're healed. »
Sidney’s defenses crumbled. «All right, my friend, let's try, but it will not be a quick thing. »
«Don’t worry. I have all the time in the world. » He opened the bag and pulled out some packages of pasta, milk bags, tuna cans, bags of coffee, a new mocha, and jars of sauce.
While he was arranging them neatly in the cupboard, he smiled at his friend. «I just can’t digest lizards and various insects. » He opened a packet of coffee. He smelled the aroma with pleasure and with a teaspoon he poured it into the machine. «It's nice here. Like camping. The only thing missing is a PlayStation to make our beautiful Pro Evolution Soccer tournaments. »
Sidney asked in a whisper:
«How's Jessica? »
Giuseppe patted him on the leg. «She's fine. »
«You think she has forgiven me? »
«I do not know. »
Sidney exclaimed with a sad tone:
«I'm very sorry for your mother. »
«Thank you for coming to the funeral»
The man sighed surprised:
«But ... I did not come. »
«I saw you. You were hiding behind the cypress. »
Sidney blushed with shame. «I did not want you to see how bad I was. »
Giuseppe interrupted him. His voice was faint:
«My mother loved you very much and you loved her too. All the rest is superfluous. »
«You know my friend? I think I'm not destined to be happy. »
Giuseppe, caressing his chin, said:
"You should not have a stereotyped image of happiness. You should not think that you are only happy if you have a good job, travel, money, and women. You must seek your own happiness. You don’t have to be what others expect from you, but you should feel free to be yourself. There is no greater happiness. » Then he took some straws from the bed of his friend, forming another pile next to it. «Now, I’m going to bed, I am a bit tired. Goodnight. »
«Good night my friend. »
They spent weeks together, living a rural life. The days were marked by long walks, the nights by long chats, crouching in front of the brazier.
It was during one of those nights when for the first time in his life Giuseppe spoke of the day when his father died.
The brazier emanated heat. The fire lengthened the shadows of the two boys, reddening their faces.
Sidney peeled an orange, throwing the skin of the orange in the brazier, which in contact with the fire released its fragrance.
«You know, I used to think that I became a ridiculous man only because my father had abandoned me, but then I look at you. You lost your father when you were a kid and you grew up very well, becoming a wonderful man and because of that I understand that it's only been my fault. »
Giuseppe looked at the skin of the orange, contracted under the heat of the fire was enveloping it with greed. When it became completely black, he started to speak:
«It was the summer of 1991, and we were living in the old house, just outside of Mosorrofa. I was in my room playing with my dinosaurs, I could spend the whole day with them, without realizing the passing of the hours.
That day, too, despite the heat, all my attentions were for those beautiful reproductions of Triceratops, Tyrannosaurus, and Pterodactyl that my father always bought for me. I had to be careful not to make noise. My parents thought I was going to play in the streets with other children. They wanted me to socialize with kids my age, but I didn’t want to. So, I deceived them. I left the house, saying goodbye to them but then I immediately went back by climbing the window, without them knowing. I was staging the attack of three velociraptors against a brachiosaurus, and I was so concentrated that I didn’t notice the smell of smoke. I did not understand what was going on, at least until I heard my parents leaving the house. »
Sidney walked over and put his hand on top of his friend’s. Giuseppe held it tightly and continued:
«I looked out the window and saw my parents on the garden lawn. My father had his hands through his hair. My mother was screaming shocked:
"But how long does it take for the fire fighters to get here?"
As soon as I heard those words, I opened the bedroom door and found myself in front of a sea of fire that devoured everyone it came across. The walls were creaking. The furniture was screaming. Every escape route was burning and the fire would soon take me too. An unspeakable fear invaded me. I ran to the window and shouted "Daddy help, Dad!"
I'll never forget the look in my mother's eyes when she saw me. They widened by grief. They seemed to want to get out of their sockets so that they didn’t have to see me. My father, on the other hand, walked to the window and shouted to me with a firm tone:
"Jump son. I'll catch you!"
The window of my room was five meters high and I felt paralyzed by fear. I put one foot out, determined to jump, but I immediately pulled it back inside.
My father repeated desperate:
"I beg you my little one, jump. I promise I'll catch you, trust me, jump!"
I yelled back:
"I can’t do it. I'm scared, Dad, I'm scared. Dad, help me! I'm sorry I lied. I came back through the window. I'm sorry Dad. Dad forgive me"
He said softly: "it's okay my love, but I’m begging you: jump"
Giuseppe shook off Sidney’s hand, got up and p
icked up the photo of his parents, getting both their faces wet with tears, then he continued in a broken voice:
«Then my father and I looked at each other, at that same moment he knew that I would have never jumped. He smiled, lowered his arms and stopped screaming, then he nodded farewell to my mother. He ran to the house and went into that hell. In the smoke, I saw his figure. He reached me. He was already engulfed in flames. He pushed out the window sill.
"I got you." He took me by the wrists and hung me down as much as possible under the window, then let me fall, telling me:
"Take care of Mom. I love you, son."
I fell on my back, but I felt no pain. How could I? As I fell my eyes were fixed on my father being devoured by the flames. I broke several vertebrae. I still can’t run without feeling sharp pain. I spent a month in a wheelchair, but that day besides my back, my heart was also broken without any chance of recovery.»
He placed the photograph, kicked an empty can of beans and he gave Sidney a tired look and continued:
«So you see my friend, you're wrong, I'm not a great man like you said, and you're not a failure. We both know that if you had been in my place, you would have jumped. »
«No one can know. »
«Come on, you know you cannot lie to me. You did not hesitate to risk taking a beating from Antonio just to protect me, a guy that you had just met. »
Sidney knew that he would have jumped without hesitation. He approached his friend and hugged him.
«I am here. Don’t worry.»
J Giuseppe's face grew dark All his pain was visible. He pulled back physically, put his hands to his chest, and then he recovered and in one breath, he let the remorse and tears flow unstoppable:
«It hurts so badly, buddy. It hurts so much. I did not want him to die, I did not want him to die, I did not want him to die. I would give everything to go back in time and jump. I should have jumped, I should have jumped. I did not want him to die, I did not want to die.»
He kept repeating that phrase and every time Sidney hugged him with more strength:
«I know buddy, cry, let off some steam. I'm there. »
The next morning, the crowing of a rooster woke Sidney up. The boy got up from his bed of straws, and the first thing he did was to put a kiss on his friend’s cheek.
The Eternal Moment Page 8