I was so shaken I couldn’t see straight. I mean, what would you do after a visit like that? I wanted to find Paul, but he was at a tutorial and I didn’t remember which or where. I put on my raincoat and ran to Balliol, to his room, which was empty right then. I felt so lost and confused, and then I began to wonder if Louisa might have followed me.
I didn’t know where to go next, or what to do. I haunted the staircase for the rest of that day. Balliol houses students in vertical staircases, you know? Students have upstairs and downstairs neighbors. If they want to see whomever lives to their left or right, they have to go downstairs, outside, and in the next door over, to the next staircase.
But I’m rambling. Back to the point. I just stayed there until mid-afternoon, when Paul burst in downstairs and ran up to the landing. At the sight of me he froze. “You’re here,” he said.
“Yes. I didn’t know where else to go. Your sister came by-”
“Oh I know.” His hands were balled into fists. “I know.”
“She wants me to leave-”
“I know. She needs to mind her own business.”
“I didn’t know you had family in town.”
“Mmm.” He paced as he answered me. His distant gaze let me know that the bulk of his attention wasn’t on what he said. “We have a house here, yes. Dad lives in the South of France these days, and Louisa was away in Scotland all last term.”
“Well, I won’t take her money,” I said. “I mean, I’m going home anyway, so there was no need to bribe me-”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Sorry. It’s just, I don’t know why she thought she had to-”
Paul stopped and grasped his hands together for a long moment. “Because she doesn’t know how to mind her own business. She’s got her own ideas about the family and thinks my personal business is her business.”
“She told me I didn’t want her for a sister-in-law.” The words were out before I even thought about it. “I mean, not that... you know. It’s what she said.”
Paul’s attention was still directed inward, though. He leaned against the wall and slid down it until he could rest his head against his knees. For a long moment he stayed like that, breathing hard. “I’m sorry about her.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I don’t like thinking about you leaving.”
“Really?” He had a string of female admirers. I knew I’d be quite easy to replace.
“Of course not. I don’t want you to leave.”
“Well... thanks.”
“So don’t.”
“I have to. My visa will run out and I don’t have money.”
He nodded. “Then we’ll get married.”
The very idea made my heart feel like it was light as a feather. I was so full of joy I could burst. “You want to get married?”
“If it’s that or losing you, then there is no choice, is there?” He got up, unlocked his door, and we went in his room. He was distracted though. Still upset about his sister. We didn’t celebrate, call anyone, or anything like that. He spent the evening in a funk and I wondered if he felt like he’s made a mistake.
It’s not the ideal proposal, is it?
“But he meant it, right? You did get married?”
“Oh yes. He never took it back. A few days later we went ring shopping, and that was fun. He smiled then and told me I could have any ring I wanted. He took me to his house, and I was just bowled over by it. I used the phone to call my family, who weren’t happy at all. Your mother was the only one who bothered to be nice about it. She called me, at considerable expense, to congratulate me and apologize that she wouldn’t make it to the wedding. You would’ve been about six back then.”
“And Mom would’ve just had her first cancer diagnosis.”
“That happened a little while after, but yes, that put a damper on things as well.”
“So you never went back to the US?”
“No. No one there seemed to want to see me.”
I remembered the family reunion and my heart ached with sympathy for her. “I can’t imagine how that must’ve felt.”
“Lonely, in a word.”
“What did Louisa do?”
“She and Paul exchanged words. I never knew the details, but she disappeared for a good long while, and when she surfaced again, she made an effort to be nice to me, but she was nosy. Everything was her business. Her brother was hers, the house was hers, the family name was hers. That’s why, like I said, I got the locks on the house changed. She eventually married a guy in the neighborhood, and has scowled at the house every time she’s walked past for over a decade now.”
“So when did you and Paul get married?”
“Well, that turned out to be a little complicated. It turns out you can’t just go to the registrar’s office if you’re not British, so he did take me to France for the day so that I could get a tourist visa when I came back to England, and we managed to get it all worked out and get married July 17. A simple wedding in the registrar’s office. None of our family attended. The next time I even saw my family was at that reunion, when no one other than you would speak to me.”
“Yeah, I remember that. I guess I thought that was about you leaving the Church.”
“Oh, that too, I guess. But I’d never been terribly faithful. I didn’t even bother to look up where church was when I got to Oxford, and I never missed going. When Paul made me tea to drink, I never thought twice about it. I only ever went to church because it was what my family did.” She shrugged. “Not everyone in the family is all that devout, you know. My mother only went to church when family was in town. My brother was inactive last I knew. I don’t think he baptized his children.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so either.”
“Your mother stayed active.”
“Very.”
“And I guess it rubbed off on you.”
“Well...” I chose my next words carefully. “People have a lot of cynical views about religion, but I can honestly say that my life is better, thanks to it.”
“You were always very tolerant, though. You never pressured me to go to church with you.”
“Well, no.”
“You sure you’re life’s been better? Look at all the awful things that have happened in our family.”
“Yeah well, faith hardly ever saves anyone from that kind of stuff.”
“I don’t think you’d give a second thought to turning thirty-one if it weren’t for the Church.”
“About that. Can I share something with you?”
“Of course.”
“Spiritual?”
“You can tell me anything, honey.”
“Right before I came out here, literally right after your phone call and before I could pack, my home teachers came by and gave me a blessing. It was the shortest blessing I’ve ever had, but in it they told me that God had an important lesson for me to learn.”
My aunt kept her expression neutral. She might not have been religious, but she did have a childhood’s worth of experience relating to religious people.
“When I came out here and bribed you with paintings, you told me about your love story, and you reminded me that it’s not about time limits or what other people think. It’s about finding the one person who’s right for you, and that can happen anytime. It hasn’t happened to me yet, and I need to remember that the right guy is worth the wait.”
“You really think that’s the lesson God wanted you to learn?”
“Yeah. I mean, okay, dismiss it as hindsight bias or coincidence or whatever. I’m not trying to convince you of the fact. But that is what I believe.”
She patted me on the hand. “Think you can pray me out of this situation?”
“If I could, I would, believe it.”
“I still don’t want those scans, honey.”
“Okay, no one’s thrown you out yet. Sleep on it and we’ll worry about it tomorrow. Let’s end this day on a good memory of some kind. So your proposal w
asn’t the best moment, what was? Your wedding day? Did you have a moment at or around the time of your ceremony that sticks out in your mind?”
“Not a moment, just a feeling. A feeling that no matter what, I was the one woman Paul wanted to marry. Despite everything else, that whole mess, he chose me and stood by me.”
“That a good thought to fall asleep with?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning.” I got up to leave. I still didn’t have the answers I wanted, but at least now I had a lead. I needed to find Louisa.
Louisa made it easy for me. She was standing at the end of the driveway when I arrived. I slowed my steps and watched her. She walked up the driveway and out of my line of sight.
I hurried over to peer through the trees so that I didn’t lose her. She marched up to the front door, and to my horror, pulled her keys out of her purse. I watched her try to fit the key in the lock. She turned it over and tried again. Then she selected another key and repeated the process.
Adrenalin shot through my veins. I wanted to run out and confront her, but I wasn’t that brave. Instead I waited until she gave up and headed off before I dashed for the front door, went in, threw the deadbolt, and then stood, panting.
Well, I hadn’t confronted her, but I still felt like I had the answers I needed. I thought of her large, hulking husband and cursed myself for ever eating her tuna casserole. I was lucky it hadn’t been poisoned. I went back to the computer with the half formed intention to call my dad, but found an email from Hattie in my inbox. It read:
Eliza,
You were so right about Mike. I finally told him I didn’t like my birthday present, and that he’d really let me down, and guess what? He gave me a pearl bracelet! Or, actually, he took me to the mall and asked me to pick out what I wanted. It is the most gorgeous bracelet and it goes with everything. He even took me out to dinner after! Thank you SO MUCH for your advice. I feel like I’m in a real relationship now.
Of course my brother had to ruin it. He’s going to get “married” to his boyfriend and my family says that if I don’t come, they’ll never speak to me again. It’s not like my brother would come to my wedding, so I don’t know what his problem is...
That ellipsis ending was her deciding not to launch into one of her rants about the liberal conspiracy that had robbed her of her family. I felt for her, though I was jealous too. She had a real boyfriend to comfort her through the pain, or was her brother someone she was so ashamed of that she wouldn’t tell Mike about him?
I sat for a moment, massaging my forehead. I didn’t know what to say to her. She probably felt like no one did, which was why she ranted on about the subject.
But I did know what it was like to lose family. Unlike her, I couldn’t reach mine again with a simple phone call. Maybe that was worse, having them just out of reach. I took out my sketchbook and began to doodle.
I drew a little family of mice, the littlest one stood apart with her back to the others. She had a bow in her hair, her hands clasped together primly, and a little halo of light around her. The rest of the family was huddled together, unsure of how to approach her. They whispered behind their paws and cast timid looks in her direction.
One skinny mouse looked down at his feet, which he scuffed against the ground. He was a very sad mouse who didn’t understand why his sister was so aloof. Why was she so happy without him when he missed her so much?
I spent extra time on their long, sad mousy faces, drooping whiskers and all. Then sat back, looked at it, and rolled my eyes. What a dumb sketch. Not exactly subtle. Forget subtext, this was the equivalent of writing in block letters, “DON’T HURT YOUR BROTHER’S FEELINGS. YOU MAKE HIM SAD.”
Still, I tucked it into the scanner, attached it to an email, and sent it to her. It was the best response I could think of.
The next morning I arrived at Nora’s bedside and found a note from Colin, that read:
Eliza-
Sorry I haven’t called. You interested in punting this Saturday?
-Colin
I tucked the paper in my purse. He’d be asleep now, if he’d worked all last night. My aunt looked so peaceful that I felt bad waking her. Still, we had a delicate conversation that I wanted to finish as fast as possible.
Her eyes fluttered open. “Hmm?”
“I am so sorry, but can we talk?”
“Mmm?”
“Your surgery, was it for something someone did to you? Someone beat you up?”
Her eyes widened.
Bullseye.
“Louisa’s husband?” I asked.
She just stared at me, eyes wide and chin trembling.
“I figured it out. Every scan and x-ray has revealed something extra. An old break, some former surgery, and you’ve always wanted to keep the scope of the scans as small as possible. You’re hiding old injuries, aren’t you? Ones you left the country to get treated?”
“Honey...”
“Okay, so I get it. Louisa’s angry because you have the family house and money and all that and she won’t inherit. Somehow she found out. She bribed your old attorney, maybe.” More pieces fell in place. “Ms. Grayson wouldn’t take you as a client because she got scared off.”
Still, my aunt said nothing.
“Are you afraid they’ll hurt you more if anyone finds out?”
She shook her head.
“What is it, then?”
Her chin really trembled now and her eyes flooded with tears.
I grasped both of her hands. “You can tell me. I promise I won’t say anything to anyone else.”
“You... you always tell me how strong you think I am. Other people have said the same thing.”
“Do you really believe I’d think less of you if I knew someone had bullied you?”
“Well...”
“Aunt Nora, there is no way any reasonable person would blame you. You’re the victim.”
“But I never told anyone. I never went to the police. I didn’t even want to admit to them this was going on.”
“Okay, look, we’ll take this one step at a time. First let’s get you the scans you need. No one can see your medical records but you, the doctors, and me.”
“Honey, I don’t want to see it. I don’t want you to see it. Even if you have some warning-”
“I want to get you treatment for your cancer, all right? That’s priority number one. I don’t care about anything else at the moment. Will you please let them do scans? I won’t even look at them if you don’t want.”
Her gaze moved down to her hands and she took another deep breath. In this moment she was so much younger than her forty-five years. I could see the twenty-something she’d been when she first came to the UK. “All right.”
“Okay. And I’ll paint you anything you want.”
She smiled at that. “Deal.”
“I’m going to go tell the nurse.”
My aunt was booked for more scans a couple of days later. Once she’d had them, it was a long wait to see Dr. Singh. We didn’t meet with him until after supper time. He looked tired and drawn as he ushered us into his office. A nurse pushed Nora in a wheelchair and then left once she was parked. I slipped into the chair next to her.
“I haven’t had a chance to look at these yet,” the oncologist said. “Give me a moment.” He brought them up on the screen and looked them over. He took off his glasses, cleaned them on a tissue, and put them back on.
“Well?” I said.
Nora looked down at her clasped hands.
“Right... is this a cracked femur I see?”
“Never mind that,” I said. “What do you see with respect to her cancer?”
He took off his glasses again, rubbed the side of his nose with the heel of his hand, and put them back on. “I see someone with an extremely high threshold of pain.”
I stifled the urge to raise my voice. “Okaaay-”
“The cancer has metastasized throughout the body, and more to the point, I’m see
ing it in the bones. You’ve had symptoms for a very long time and ignored them.” He turned to my aunt. “Care to explain that?”
She just looked down at her hands.
“So this’ll take multiple surgeries?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t recommend surgery.”
“Chemo, then? Radia-”
“Hospice care,” said Dr. Singh. “At this point, trying to kill the cancer would require killing the patient ten times over. Why didn’t you say anything before? And why aren’t all of these fractures in your medical history? That one can’t be more than ten years old.”
“Never mind that,” I said.
“Never mind? Do you know how much force-”
I looked him straight in the eye. “I am aware. That is a personal matter that yes, I am aware of. We’re here for your oncology expertise, not your personal judgments.”
He gave me an uneasy look. “I’m sorry,” he said. “All I can do is prescribe painkillers and give you a list of facilities to look after her.”
“How long?” I asked.
“One month? At most. In truth, I’m rather surprised you are still here.” He looked over his frames at my aunt.
I put my hand on hers.
“I can send the scans on for a second opinion?” said Dr. Singh.
I nodded. “Please.”
“Right, let’s at least get you comfortable for the night. The pharmacy will be closed, but on site we’ve got some painkillers. He clicked away on the computer. “If you’ll see your aunt back to her room, I’ll send someone over shortly.”
I got up, pulled the door open, and leaned out. Colin stood at the nurses’ station. At the sight of me he began to smile, but when he saw my expression, he stopped himself. “Hi,” he said.
“Hi, can you help wheel my aunt?”
“Of course.” He slathered sanitizer on his hands and came to wheel her out. “You okay?” the question was directed at me.
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