by Louise Bay
“Good God, Logan. What are you talking about?”
I groaned. I didn’t need Darcy to occupy my thoughts any more than she already did. “You know me. I’m not the sort of man to settle down. I don’t want a family, and that’s what Darcy needs. It’s what she deserves.”
“I’ve never understood this obsession you have with being on your own.” She shook her head in dismay. “I thought you liked her?”
“I do. She’s a lovely woman, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change who I am, what I want, or what I know is right.”
We pulled into the drive at Badsley and I was determined to get inside as quickly as possible. Hopefully, the change of setting would encourage my grandmother to drop the conversation. I parked, turned off the engine and went to open the door, but my grandmother laid her hand on my arm.
“Just hang on—I want to hear about this.”
“Can we please just drop it? The decision is made. It’s best for both of us.”
“My darling boy, most of the time I leave you alone to make your own decisions, but I can’t stand by if I think you are hurting yourself and the people you love.”
Love? I should never have gotten involved with Darcy in the first place and the last person I wanted to hurt was my grandmother. “I know she adores you, and just because she and I are…I’m sure you will still see her.”
“This isn’t about me, Logan. I’m concerned about you not knowing what’s good for you. Darcy is a wonderful woman—she’s kind, beautiful, clever and gives you a run for your money, which is the thing I like best about her. I’ve never seen you as happy as you’ve been with her—I could tell from the moment you met her that she was made for you.”
Made for me? My grandmother didn’t understand. No one was made for me. I couldn’t have anyone counting on me.
“Did you have a fight?”
I tipped my head back on the headrest. “No, nothing like that. Things were escalating and we couldn’t keep moving forward as we were. I’ve never…” How could I explain that I was used to a series of one-night stands? “I’ve never dated a woman before. Not really. Not since university.”
“So being faithful was difficult for you?”
“No, I never wanted anyone else when I was with Darcy.” I still didn’t. Not even a woman like Abigail, who I’d put in a cab home after our drink on Monday night. “I never even looked at another woman.” Darcy didn’t leave room for anybody else.
“So why did you decide to end things?”
“Her feelings were growing and I couldn’t give her what she wanted.” I wasn’t about to tell her about the pregnancy scare.
“So, she told you she loved you and, instead of admitting that you loved her too, you got scared and threw it all away? Is that about the size of it?”
I couldn’t remember the last time my grandmother had sounded so exasperated with me. It was the same voice she’d used when I used to come home covered head to foot in mud after playing with my friends.
“It’s not about being scared. It’s about me knowing what I want, what I’m capable of. I’ve always known that I’d never settle down or have a family. It just isn’t what I want, and I had to end things before Darcy got in any deeper.”
“You’re acting as if you don’t love her. As if you were just along for the ride. But I know differently, Logan. I saw how you were together. How much more relaxed you were. How she didn’t let you take yourself too seriously.”
“That might well be true, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“Just help me understand why you’re so convinced that you don’t want to share your life with anybody?”
“I put my work first, and that will never change. I don’t have room in my life for a woman—any woman. And certainly no place for a family. All I would do is disappoint them, and I will not be that man. So, you see, although things look as if Darcy and I are suited now, it’s just not the case. I can see further down the road—I’d let her down at some point.”
I turned to my grandmother expecting understanding, but instead found pity.
“Of course you will let her down. That’s what happens. She’ll let you down and you’ll disappoint her—that’s just life. But when you’re in love, you forgive each other.”
“How you can say that after everything my father put you through?” I regretted mentioning my father as soon as the words left my mouth. We never spoke about him, and I knew that even now what had happened still hurt my grandmother.
“Oh, my dear boy. Is that what this is all about? You don’t want to make your father’s mistakes?”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to.
“I had no idea. We should have talked about this years ago. First, there is no genetic code that requires you to make the same silly mistakes and unwise choices your father did. Bad judgment doesn’t pass down the generations, and you’ve more than proved you have more sense than your father ever did both in terms of business and in terms of family.”
It wasn’t that I thought that I have some genetic predisposition to let those around me down. More that I was learning from history, from someone else’s mistakes.
“It’s impossible to draw parallels between your life and his, Logan. He was a man who had his own issues. Everything had been given to him. He had nothing to work for, strive for. He just wasn’t the man you are.”
“He put himself before his family. Let people down who were relying on him. I can’t be sure I wouldn’t make the same mistake. And I won’t take the risk.”
“The fact that Darcy told you she loved you and you know it’s true is something precious and something to cherish. You are not your father—you deserve a life filled with the love of your wife, of your children. Don’t deny yourself that because of a man who’s no longer in our lives. Learn from the past, but don’t let that ruin your future.”
A hard mixture of pain, guilt, loss and love lodged at the bottom of my throat. Had I been trying to avoid a future that was never my destiny? Had I already proven I was not my father?
Had I given up Darcy for nothing?
“Well, it’s too late now. I don’t want to make promises that I don’t know if I can keep. The decision has been made.”
My grandmother flung her car door open. “Then unmake it.”
I scrambled out and around the boot to help her, but she slapped my hands away. “I’m perfectly capable. You’ve never let me down. You’re loyal and honest and hardworking. That’s the man you are. You seem to think that you don’t make promises and commitments all the time. You do to me and in business. Why are you singling Darcy out?”
“I can’t possibly have a wife and family without making mistakes, breaking commitments and letting people down.”
“And as I said, if she loves you and you get it wrong, then she’ll forgive you.”
Could that be true? Could I allow myself to make mistakes in front of Darcy and have her forgive me them?
“Just like,” my grandmother continued, “when she makes mistakes, you will forgive her. Because you love her.” My grandmother turned to look at me. “And don’t you dare deny it.”
The evidence was there. The way I didn’t notice other women when we were together, the fact that even now I couldn’t follow through with another woman, the way I hated the fact that Darcy was so far away.
I loved Darcy Westbury…and I had no idea what to do about it.
“Make it right,” my grandmother whispered. “Don’t let this be the mistake that you regret for the rest of your life.”
She patted me on the chest and headed to the kitchen, leaving me a different man from the one who had left the house just an hour before. She’d questioned my entire personal philosophy. But one thing was clear to me—I couldn’t bear the thought of not loving Darcy Westbury for the rest of my life.
Thirty-Eight
Logan
Determined to “make things right” with Darcy, I was three thousand miles away from Woolton and parked
outside Ryder and Scarlett Westbury’s Connecticut home. Darcy was the woman I wanted, and an ocean wasn’t going to keep me away from her.
I couldn’t rule out the possibility that she’d refuse to speak to me and I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I had been callous and unfeeling and, worst of all, in denial about how important our relationship was to me.
I turned off the engine and stepped out of the car, carrying the documents I’d brought with me. The sky was strangely cloudless, and only the breeze kept the heat from being overwhelming. Children’s shrieks and laughs snaked out of the house. I hadn’t seen Darcy with her nieces and nephews, but I imagine they adored her. I knocked on the door and took a deep breath.
The look on Scarlett’s face as she swung open the door started off as welcoming and dissolved into awkward reserve. “Logan. What are you…”
“I was hoping to have a few words with Darcy, if she’s here?”
Scarlett frowned and glanced over her shoulder. “She’s here, but I’m not sure…”
“I understand she doesn’t want to see me, but could you just tell her that I’m here?”
Scarlett nodded and I watched at the doorway as she went to find Darcy.
My heart lifted in my chest as soon as I heard her voice. “I fixed it,” she announced, holding something the air, then froze when Scarlett whispered something.
Darcy glanced over at me and then quickly turned away. It was like a knife to my heart.
Was seeing me so painful? Should I not have come? I’d spent all these years avoiding caring about someone, and I didn’t know what to do now that I did. My grandmother had said I’d inevitably let Darcy down. That was what people did, but that love allowed them to forgive. But perhaps it was too late for Darcy and me. Perhaps I’d hurt her too badly.
I could do nothing but stand and wait, wondering whether or not I should have given Darcy more time. I’d wanted to tell her how I felt as soon as possible, but perhaps I’d been selfish.
After a few more exchanges, Scarlett pulled Darcy into a hug, then let her go to negotiate with one of the children while Darcy headed toward me, her head bowed.
I steadied my breathing. Darcy could close the door in my face or refuse to speak to me, but I wasn’t going to give up without a fight.
The closer she got, the less I could understand how I’d ever let her go. She was beautiful in England or America, in jeans or a cocktail dress, covered in mud or five minutes after waking.
“Hey,” I said as she stood opposite me. “I was hoping we could talk.”
“They have phones in the United States, you know.”
I couldn’t help but smile. She never wasted an opportunity to put me right. “Some things are better explained in person.”
“I don’t need to hear any more explanations.”
I nodded. “I understand. I’m not here to justify what I did, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I owe you the truth.”
“Have you been lying to me?”
“More to myself, I think.” I’d been trying for too long to deny my love for Darcy. “I’d just like a chance to explain.”
“Logan, I’m tired. I’m done. There’s no point in rehashing things.”
“Please, Darcy, just five minutes. And if you don’t like what you hear, I’ll disappear out of your life forever.”
Her shoulders dropped as if in defeat as she stepped aside and invited me in. “Let’s go to the back of the house. We can walk down to the river.”
Just the thought that I would be with her for the next few minutes renewed my determination to win her back. I couldn’t let her go. I had to find a way back to her.
Being so close but unable to feel the heat of her body or soothe her pain was harder than I’d expected, but still easier than not being near her at all.
She kept her gaze fixed firmly on the horizon as we headed down to the garden. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. It was as if I hadn’t had water for weeks and was being given a chance to drink. I wanted to take in as much as I could.
“It’s good to see you,” I said.
“Why are you here, Logan?”
“To explain. To apologize.” I didn’t know where to start. “I’ve thought of nothing but you since our last conversation, and I’ve had a number of realizations that I need to share. I hope it will go some way to explaining my stupidity, my selfishness and my complete lack of understanding of myself and how I felt about you.”
Darcy paused. “I don’t need any kind of explanation from you—I accept your decision and I’m trying to move on.”
I closed my eyes to block out the thought that she might be over me. “But that’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t want you to move on. I’m in love with you and I want us to be together.”
She stayed silent, her face full of confusion.
“I’m so sorry, Darcy. I was scared of the feelings I had, of the feelings you had for me. So, like a coward, I ran, I retreated. I went back to what I knew best.” I took a long, deep breath. “My grandmother helped me see what I’d done.”
“You talked to her about us?” Darcy glanced up, and it took everything I had not to sweep the escaped lock of hair back behind her ear.
“Yes. She’s the wisest woman I know and she set me straight. She made me understand how loving you wasn’t something to run from.”
Sadness flickered across Darcy’s face and she turned away from me, hiding her pain. But I deserved to see it. After all, I’d caused it. She crossed her arms and jutted her chin up, trying to regain her composure.
“I’ve always been so determined not to be my father that I’ve shut myself off from a lot of things. From you. I’ve been so focused on not making promises I can’t keep and avoiding destroying everything around me that I haven’t realized the damage I’ve done. What my father did affected me so fundamentally, I didn’t fully understand. He scarred me forever and the easiest way to ensure I never inflicted the hurt he did, never let anyone down, was to make sure I loved as few people as possible and that no one loved me.”
“Let’s walk,” Darcy said, hugging herself tightly as we made our way toward the river.
“I never expected what happened between us—it crept up on me. You burst into my life and from the moment I met you, I knew you were different, special. I just didn’t realize what a profound effect you’d have on me. I wasn’t prepared. I’d been living in a safe, cloistered world, trying to avoid anything that would suggest I was in any way related to my father. I was so focused on my past I completely missed my future when she arrived. And so I ran. From you, from how I felt about you, from the fear of disappointing you. Is this making any sense?”
“I guess. And I’m sorry for you, Logan. I knew your father’s actions still haunted you, and I understand that you didn’t want to repeat his mistakes.”
My heart swelled. Beautiful, understanding, incredible Darcy. Of course she’d find it in her heart to see my point of view. It was more than I deserved. Encouraged, I reached for her, stroking my fingers over her cheek, but she stepped back and my hand fell away. She understood, maybe even forgave me, but she also bore the scars that I’d given her. And for that I only had myself to blame. “I’m so sorry.”
“I believe you.”
“Darcy,” I whispered. “I want you. I want you to come back to me. I want you forever.”
She pushed her hands into the pockets of her skirt and shook her head. It was as if a hand had slipped inside my chest and was squeezing my heart tighter and tighter. I couldn’t have lost her. Please God, I needed to be able to make this right. I couldn’t have found the woman I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with only to have messed things up.
“I know this must be a shock. And I know you must hate me right now—”
“I don’t hate you, but that doesn’t mean what happened is okay. What you said makes sense, but it doesn’t take away the pain. You have your ghosts, and I have mine. You left me when things got too much for you. I’ve had too
much of that in my life, and I can’t risk that happening again. I have to protect myself, Logan.”
Of course she’d be cautious. It wasn’t that I expected anything different. She wouldn’t be my Darcy if she just capitulated. She was no pushover. “I understand. But do you think that in time you would be able to forgive me?”
“They say time heals all wounds and I’m sure that includes this one. But I can’t go back. Being left by you. It brought back so much. It was too painful. It’s still too painful.”
“Just tell me what I can do. I’ll give up Manor House Club. I’ll get rid of the helicopter. How can I prove to you I’m serious?” I’d almost forgotten the folder I was carrying. “And this. I wanted to give you something.” I offered her the buff-colored file.
“I don’t need things from you, Logan.”
“Then what? Anything. Tell me and I will give you anything within my power.”
“All I wanted was for you to love me. And I understand why you can’t. But you have to let me get on with my life.”
“But I do. I love you so much it hurts to be away from you.”
“Until the next time you struggle, push me away and leave. What happens if I actually got pregnant? I want to be with someone who will share my joy in that moment, not tell me he’s in too deep and abandon me and our children.”
I didn’t know how to prove something in the future. How could I explain that I was on a one-way street and I could never not love her now?
I was out of ammo. “I’ll always love you, Darcy. I’ve never been so certain about anything.”
She worried her bottom lip, but didn’t look up.
“I mean it, I love you. And just a few weeks ago you told me you loved me. Isn't that worth fighting for?”
“Maybe you love me in your way, but it’s just not enough. What happens the next time you get spooked? What happens when you catch a glimpse of the life you had before me, or another woman catches your eye?”
“It won’t happen. I love you.”
She shook her head. “I can’t live with the uncertainty. I can’t worry that you’re going to turn around and leave me.”