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Silvia did call her mother as soon as she pulled into the driveway of her father’s house and she was sorry to find that Donna wasn’t in the best of moods. “How’s your dad?” Donna asked her right away, not even asking how Silvia was.
“Not so great. The other night....” began Silvia, who was then abruptly cut off by Donna saying, “Well, a bottle of booze a day can’t do much for any body’s well-being,” as if she had had this statement all prepared and was glad that he wasn’t so well.
“He doesn’t drink a bottle of booze a day,” said Silvia, surprised to hear herself defending Frank.
“Sorry, I should have said a bottle of booze every two days,” said Donna sarcastically. She was detaching from Frank. It came through loud and clear in her voice, in her sardonic remark, and the way she was suddenly calling him “your dad” instead of “Dad.” Silvia was both glad and sad at the same time. She was glad for Donna’s newfound independence, but saddened that the fantasy she had about her parents’ getting back together would probably not become a reality. Whatever mixed feelings she had inside, she didn’t have the energy to defend her father anymore, so, instead, she asked Donna how she was doing.
“Fine,” she replied, but didn’t then speak of any other details, as if she didn’t want to disclose them to her daughter.
“How is the career searching going?” asked Donna, redirecting the conversation.
“Well, I’ve been giving some more thought to your art teacher suggestion. And I think that I can see myself doing that. But I started researching the requirements, and found out that if I get a certification in one state, I can’t get a job with it in another state.”
“What are you saying Silvia? So now you want to move again? Why? Where?” Donna was being really rambunctious and edgy on this particular evening and Silvia, hearing the frustration in her mother’s voice, was reluctant to continue talking. Fortunately, Donna then took on a much more empathetic tone of voice, and she apologized.
“I’m sorry honey. I had a long day. I didn’t mean to snap. I just wish that you could stop moving. I think it’s going to be hard for you to ever create any kind of nice life for yourself if you’re always moving. And what would be so terrible about getting a certification here and staying in New Jersey? It’s not such a terrible place. You do have your family here.”
She could never tell her mother that she felt that she could never start over here, that it felt stale, that she felt trapped here and that the thought of staying frightened her. Silvia just told her that she would think about it, and she was very happy when her mother changed the subject once again.
“How’s Vince?” asked Donna.
“He’s doing alright, except he’s still worried about whether or not Dad will help him with his tuition.”
“Oh, I know he will when it’s all said and done.”
“I’m going to tell him about the party tonight when I get home. Oh, and I think Dad’s going to go for it, after all.”
“That’s great,” said Donna, the tone in her voice not conveying that she genuinely thought that it was great.
“I don’t know. For some reason, you don’t sound too happy about it Mom.” There was an uncomfortable silence, which was rare in a conversation with Donna.
“It’s not that. I am happy about it. And I’m so grateful to you honey. It’s just that I think it would be best if I wasn’t there.”
Although Silvia was taken aback by her mother’s sudden shift, she had no time to fret or to figure it out. Her need to make the reunion happen was stronger than ever, and she needed to say something in an effort to undo Donna’s change of heart and convince her that she needed to be there. Being well-aware of Donna’s weakness for Vince, she knew just what to say: “Mom, how would Vince feel if you weren’t there?”
“I was thinking that he and I could celebrate on our own. I’ll take him to some nice restaurant.”
“It won’t be the same, Mom.”
“Let me think about it, honey.”
Silvia could tell that her mother had much more to divulge, and assumed that if she was a friend and not her daughter, she would tell her that she was finally making a successful break from Frank, and that seeing him might stir up feelings that she couldn’t risk experiencing at this crucial time. So, Silvia gave it a break with every intention to return to convincing Donna to attend the reunion at a later time.
Donna then told her the main reason for her call. Today was the fifteenth year anniversary of her mother’s death, and this year, for some reason, she was really feeling it, and really needed to talk to Silvia, who she knew was more bonded to her mother than she, herself, was. Silvia remembered and commemorated this occasion in some way every year, but this year, with all that was on her plate, the date slipped her mind. She now supposed it was more than just coincidental that she went to the beach today, as this was the place where she most strongly felt her grandma’s presence.
Silvia’s other siblings didn’t understand her need to commemorate this occasion, as they didn’t have the closeness with their grandma that she had. Grandma Tucci wasn’t the type of person to show favoritism outwardly, but Silvia was her favorite of all the grandchildren. And that was a tough contest to win, as she had, altogether, fifteen grandchildren. Donna also knew and accepted that her mother was closer to her daughter than she herself was, just as she had accepted the fact that she lacked the maternal instinct that her own mother had mastered. It was Grandma Tucci who sat beside Silvia when she was sick in bed, who made her tortellini chicken soup, who shared boxes of Godiva chocolates with her on the way back from their little shopping trips, who took Silvia for long walks on hot summer days, and cried with her when her cat died. It was Grandma Tucci who did the things that Donna couldn’t do, maybe because she was too busy fighting Frank off.
But Grandma Tucci’s husband was an even angrier and scarier version of Silvia’s father, and it was surprising that her grandma was able to be so motherly to Silvia and that she had not been worn down and broken and weakened like Donna. But she was different than Donna in that regard. She seemed to have more tolerance and energy for drama. She also kept herself and her problems sealed up inside of her. She never talked about her problems, and her crazy husband, who she could never leave because she was such a devout Catholic. Instead of dealing with her problems, she chain-smoked and went to church a lot.
Silvia wondered if there was a time when her grandma and grandpa, also known as Gilda (with a soft G) and Cosimo, were in love in the way that Donna and Frank had once been in love. They eloped because Cosimo’s parents, who had come to the United States from the northern part of Italy, believed that Gilda’s family, who had come from the southern part of Italy, were no good, or as they said, “morte di fame.” Gilda looked stunning in their wedding photograph, with big dark eyes, thick lips, and a heart-shaped face framed in loose black curls. Cosimo looked like a 1940’s movie star. In the photograph, he stared at his wife with adoring, loving eyes. But that wasn’t the Grandpa Tucci Silvia knew.
As Gilda aged and grandchildren started rolling out, she devoted less energy to dealing with Cosimo, who had mellowed with age. She relished all of her grandchildren, but Silvia most of all. There was something special between them from the start of Silvia’s life, almost as if Gilda had waited her whole life for this magical little girl to be born. Silvia wasn’t sure why she favored her over all of the other grandchildren. She guessed that it had something to do with her sweet disposition as a child. She sat still and quiet when the other grandchildren ran wild and rowdily taunted each other. She and her Grandma built sand castles at the beach, while her siblings and cousins played Frisbee and splashed in the ocean. And she assisted her Grandma dutifully in the kitchen on Christmas morning, while the others showed off their shiny new toys to each other.
Silvia was most grateful for the special bond, and she cried so hard when her Grandma died that her eyes felt as if they might be permanently burnt. Aft
er a while, she began to feel herself crying on the inside as if her tears had no place else to go. She became emaciated from not eating and had dark circles under her eyes from not sleeping.
Then one night, she closed her eyes and saw her Grandma’s face, shiny and glimmering like an angel looking down upon her and saying, “Be happy, Silvie.” More than seeing this image, she keenly felt her grandmother’s presence. After this vision, she knew that she wasn’t alone in the world, that she would never be alone. She knew she would always have her Grandma beside her.
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