CHAPTER EIGHT: KEEPING THE GOOD
On the evening of Vince’s graduation, the Central Cafe seemed darker than Silvia had remembered it to be. It looked as if the owners had, in these desperate times, decided to conserve energy by keeping the lights off. She thought that if that was the case then they should, at least, invest in some candles. She was glad that she had decided to wear something cheerful— a white and mint green dress. A few small windows allowed some of the setting sun to pour in, giving the room a slight glimmer. Just as Silvia was getting used to the darkness and thinking that the dim light would allow the family to feel less self-conscious, a brunette lady, dressed in red and yellow, turned the lights up. She greeted Silvia, who in turn told her about the reservations. The brunette, who appeared to be the hostess, went to check the reservations. This left Silvia alone, giving her an unwanted opportunity to get nervous about the coming evening.
There was still time to leave the whole scene, to weasel out. She could secretly use the opportunity to make her escape. Of course, she would never do anything like that, but she got some strange sense of comfort in the thought of it. This must have been what her mother felt like all the times that she had planned holiday dinners that had a good chance of being destroyed. Or what Angie must have felt like on the morning of her wedding, as if brides are not nervous enough without having to be apprehensive about what their father might do.
It seemed like Frank was always ruining or destroying something. He couldn’t help himself. Silvia thought that he must have been the type of kid to stomp on another kid’s sand castle. She recalled with sadness the time that she and Angie spent a long, hot summer day making blueberry buckle, only to have it thrown from the kitchen countertop while it was cooling, by none other than the inebriated Frank. Silvia, upon hearing the sound of crashing glass, knew just what it was. She ran in to look at her and Angie’s work, splattered on the floor like the corpse of a person who had jumped out of a high-rise building. Being too young and stupid to know any better, she thought it might be salvageable. When she ran towards the fallen dish, her mother screamed at her to get away, gripping her arm as if she was pulling her up from a mountain ledge.
Would this night be a repeat of a typical holiday dinner, Angie’s wedding, or the destroyed dish of blueberry buckle? Or would it be different? Why should it? How could she think that she was capable, somehow, of making it different than all of the previous family occasions? She stared at the red neon exit sign above the door like it was her salvation. She imagined herself escaping the place, followed by her family members arriving, dumbfounded, looking around, trying hard not to look at each other, growing in discomfort, wondering where Silvia had gone and wondering if something happened to her, something terrible like a car accident. She envisioned her mother calling the police. She got a strange kind of pleasure in knowing the extreme guilt that they would all feel when they assumed that Silvia, in her altruistic efforts to bring them all together, had been hurt or worse yet, killed. Maybe they would all gain some perspective, realize the triteness and silliness of their fighting, and realize what is really important in life. Their worry, guilt, and new-found perspective might even unite them. Then her imagination took a very sharp turn. She now saw her family members yelling and berating her, and seeing her as nothing more than a weak, little coward for running out on them.
This last fantasy made her jump up and zoom over to the hostess, with maniac enthusiasm, and check on their reservation. The hostess assured Silvia that their table would be ready any minute, but Silvia seemed dissatisfied with this assurance. She might have given her more specific details, like exactly how much of the table had been set. What about the cake that she had ordered? Had it arrived? Was it in the kitchen? She rushed back to ask the hostess about it. Silvia sensed that the hostess was treating her as if she was a crazy lady, but didn’t mind it in the least. She was too focused on her present goal of making sure that the dinner was a huge success. Her little body awakened with new life, new nervousness, and new hopes as she began walking back and forth like her father would pace in the kitchen while cooking. And just as she noticed this, she looked up and saw him in the restaurant talking to the hostess and calling her by her first name, Anna. Frank spoke with all of the charm and charisma that he could turn on and off like a light switch, making her laugh and even blush. His eyes met with his daughter’s eyes that returned his look with a combination of approval and admiration. In his return gaze, Frank’s face said, “I came through. I did what was right. I’m here.” And he was here! In fact, he was the first one to show up. He was even well-dressed in a gray suit and a light blue button-down shirt.
There was still a possibility that one or more of the others would not show up, but Frank was here and, therefore, she had succeeded! She felt a relief in her stomach that spread throughout the rest of her body, all the way into her toes and fingertips. The rest would be cake, which Anna had then confirmed was sitting on a counter top in the kitchen.
“It’s carrot cake, right?” asked Silvia, still some nervousness in her voice.
“I think so,” said Anna, who was beginning to seem almost as nervous as Silvia, like Silvia’s anxiety had somehow spread.
“We had better make sure,” said Silvia, biting on one of her nails.
“I’m sure it’s carrot, and it will be great,” said Frank, who all of sudden seemed to be taking on the role of the calm, together one. It was a role that he rarely was able to play and he seemed to enjoy this role. Silvia knew that in his heart of hearts, he would rather build than destroy. Destroying had just become a habit, and habits are, after all, hard to break.
She felt a sort of calm from his reassurance and for a couple of minutes she remained stationary and made a conscious effort to not pace or check on cakes and tables. Just as she began sinking into a state of calm, Donna walked in. Again, Silvia’s body filled with tension. This was the first time that her mother and Frank had seen each other since she had left him. Why couldn’t Angie have shown up first? Angie would have had little Isabella with her who would be running around and distracting everyone with her cuteness. Silvia now wished she had sent individual emails with different times for everyone, so as to prevent the very awkward moment.
Donna saw Frank, and Frank saw Donna, and Silvia saw both pairs of their eyes meet. Their eyes reflected a wide array of feelings: Discomfort, resentment, sadness, love, anger, remorse and lost hope. Donna did what she could to kill the awkwardness by saying “Hello Frank,” as if there was nothing wrong. As if she had never left. As if he had never hurt her time and again. As if the big space between them didn’t exist. He didn’t say anything, but not because he was ignoring her. It was almost as if he had forgotten how to talk. He sat there with his mouth open, gazing at his wife, who looked absolutely lovely. Silvia wondered how her mother’s radiance made Frank feel. Whenever Silvia saw an ex-boyfriend, she hoped he would look bad. This would give her a sense of satisfaction, as if her leaving him was the cause of his deterioration and ruination. If she ever saw one looking as good as her mother looked right now, she would be miserable. And misery was exactly what she saw in her father’s face. Surely, he was regretting how much he had messed things up. He must be kicking himself so hard right now. But through the self-berating, the regretting and the misery, he finally did manage to say a hello. It was a somber, painstaking hello, without the mention of her name, but still, it was a hello.
Silvia decided rather abruptly that she couldn’t take another second of this tension and got up to greet her mother. As she stood up, she saw Anna, who also just witnessed the exchange. Silvia decided that this innocent bystander would be a perfect distraction from the moment’s awkwardness. She approached Anna as if she was her long lost friend and introduced her to Donna. She then turned to Donna and said, “Anna has everything under control, so there’s no need for any worry.” Donna didn’t look in the slightest bit worried and her daughter’s comment brought on a look of confusion upon her face. Silvia’s comment may
not have been the only thing making Donna confused. She may have been wondering why her daughter was being so charming? Like she had suddenly inherited her father’s charm. Silvia had no regard for her mother’s confusion, as she was only concerned with dispersing some of the tension. Anna’s presence did serve to assuage the tension, and soon they were all involved in a conversation about her.
It turned out that she had just begun work at the restaurant a month ago, and that she was going to school full time. She was doing coursework to get her teacher certification and this fact spurred another conversation between Silvia and herself. Even more of the tension dissipated, as both Frank and Donna joined in the dialog between their daughter and Anna.
“Well, I think teaching is a great idea,” said Frank to Silvia. “Now you’re using your head.” He would probably continue to re-use this “using your head” phrase with Silvia, but she didn’t mind it. She did, however, notice her mother’s eyes rolling slightly back in her head at Frank’s remark, so she did what she could to detract from any more attention paid to her father’s comment by saying, “I have Mom to thank for the suggestion.” Frank looked at Donna, his eyes still sad.
“Anna,” yelled a stout man with a round face from the hostess stand. Anna excused herself, and left the three of them to wonder what to talk about next.
“The ceremony was nice,” said Donna, breaking the silence that seemed long.
“Yeah, it was nice. Short and sweet,” said Silvia, smiling a nervous smile.
Frank looked down guiltily, which led Silvia to assume that he missed the graduation ceremony. It would have been surprising if he had gone considering that he had not gone to any of their graduation ceremonies, except for Angie’s. And just when this assumption was cemented in Silvia’s mind, Frank raised his head up and said, “Yes, it was nice,” leaving both his daughter and wife with surprised expressions on their faces.
“You went? That’s great!” Silvia talked to her father as if she was commending a first grade student for answering a question correctly. She wondered if her father’s attendance had something to do with his guilt over lashing out at her and Vince earlier that week. She then noticed her mother look at him with a new found reverence.
Silvia looked back at her father and noticed just how tired he looked. His worry lines were so thick that they looked as if they were drawn on his face with a black felt marker. His eyelids looked so heavy, as if they were being pushed down over his eyes against their own will. Maybe he was tired. Tired of fighting over nothing, tired of drinking, tired of passing out, and tired of being tired. Maybe he was at a crossroad. He wasn’t too old. He still could change.
And just as Silvia began to float into her fantasy world where miraculous transformations of character occur, where there is no fighting, where everyone gets along all the time and lives in harmony, Cosmo appeared in the doorway of the restaurant. People seemed to be showing up in the reverse order that she would have preferred. When Frank excused himself to get a drink at the bar, Silvia not only understood his actions, but also had wished that she too could excuse herself and join him in a drink. The idea of drinking with her father always repulsed her, as he seemed to delight in her having a drink, and this seemed very wrong to her. But, right now, she didn’t care about his bad parenting skills. She cared more about releasing the tension in her body, for it was almost too much for her little self to contain.
“Hey,” said Cosmo, entering the room as his usual self, dressed in mismatched clothing and a fedora hat, undoubtedly to hide his wild hair.
“Hi Cosmo,” said Frank on his way to the bar, like he had just seen his son yesterday.
“Hey Dad,” Cosmo said, with much of the same indifference as his father. Then he walked over to where his mother and sister were standing and gave them both a hug.
“Thanks for coming Cosmo,” said Silvia, giving him a hug.
“Sure,” he said. And then he just stood there and calmly stared out into the space in front of him. His mellow presence should have calmed Silvia. Instead, it made her more anxious, as if she was compensating for his lack of nervousness by being more nervous herself.
“So how are things, Cosmo? I haven’t heard from you in so long,” said Donna, hinting that she felt hurt by his apparent lack of correspondence.
“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t call you back last week, Mom. I’ve been crazy busy with work and...” He stopped talking suddenly when he looked as his mother’s face, like he had realized in that second how awful it must have felt to be given that ‘busy’ excuse by your own son. It was so rare to see any bit of guilt in Cosmo’s face, but Silvia was seeing it now.
“Oh don’t worry about it,” said Donna, who must have been sensing her son’s remorse.
“Thanks for understanding Mom,” said Cosmo.
“I was thinking we could go for lunch or dinner sometime soon,” said Donna to Cosmo.
Cosmo agreed and smiled like he was grateful for his mother’s forgiveness and for her friendship. Silvia figured that Cosmo had been avoiding getting enmeshed in any drama between Donna and Frank. He avoided drama like a gangster avoided the law.
And as the three of them experienced a mutual moment of togetherness and calm, Frank re-entered the room, drink in hand, and once again tension filled the air—loud, thick, and heavy. Silvia had to say something frivolous about something like the weather, or better yet, cake.
“We got a great looking carrot cake in the back. That's Vince's favorite. I think it's a lot of people's favorite. I prefer it to chocolate cake myself.” She knew how little they must have genuinely cared about her feelings for carrot cake but they all pretended that what she was saying was something very interesting.
“Yeah, I love carrot cake myself,” said Frank, who loved all sweets. Donna and Cosmo nodded, grinning in agreement, and just as their exchange about carrot cake grew into a thing of great beauty, Angie came in the door with Doug and little Isabella dressed in a pink, plaid jumper and looking all ready for a party. Frank's face brightened with smiling lips and cheerfully squinting eyes. Meanwhile, Cosmo's face became tense with worry lines and his body seemed to turn stiff. Silvia was surprised to see her brother react this way as he so rarely got anxious. He seemed to get more anxious as Angie came over to greet her family with her movie star smile. She wore black pants, an off-white blouse, and a red scarf.
Silvia smiled admiringly at her sister, knowing that it couldn’t have had been easy to be with all of her family for the first time since her ‘drunk toast’ wedding, and knowing that she felt rejected by Cosmo and felt her usual distance from Donna. She seemed fine though. In fact, she was better than fine. She was happy to see her family and she hugged Cosmo as if all that had happened between them was forgotten. And with that hug, all of their resentment-filled past seemed to fade into the air that was beginning to fill with the delicious smells of gravy and garlic. Cosmo grinned, his shoulders came down, and his body seemed to visibly loosen as he reverted back to his usual caterpillar-like posture.
Then Donna embraced Angie like she had never done before, like she was trying to close up the distance between them. A distance that just happened and had been allowed to live and grow, unfettered and uninterrupted. A distance that was never intended. Could it be closing up forever, Silvia thought, as she watched the two embrace, or was it only for the moment? Everyone seemed to partake in the hug in a vicarious way.
Doug was busy chasing his daughter, as the five of them looked up to see the guest of honor walk through the door. Vince was dressed in his only suit, which was black and looked too hot for the season. His smile looked as if it had been painted on and spoke clearly that he would rather be somewhere else. It was a look of obligation combined with mild stage fright.
“Hey Vince,” said Silvia, as naturally as she could, in hopes of relaxing him. He smiled his awkward smile at the lot of them. He walked over to Donna first and as they were hugging, Anna came out to say that the table was ready. All of them poured into the
smaller private room that was reserved for large parties. The only table in the room was set with shiny white plates, silverware in perfect order, and maroon colored napkins folded like captain hats. The lighting was warm and made everyone look especially beautiful and helped Silvia to relax a bit.
No one wanted to be the first to sit down, as if doing so was rude, so Silvia broke the discomfort by sitting in the place where she sat at their dinner table at home, and by doing so, the others followed suit. She even moved the high chair so that Angie could be in her usual place. Doug would just have to fall where he could, which inconveniently happened to be right beside Vince. Frank was next to Cosmo, so that they could both irritate each other with their presence and their smacking jaws. Angie was next to Donna, so they could feel the distance that lived between them. Silvia and Vince were next to each other, so that they could compete over who used a smaller piece of paper towel as a napkin.
Why did her mother arrange it that way, anyway? Or maybe she didn’t arrange it. Maybe they just masochistically arranged themselves to allow for optimum discomfort. Grandma Tucci would say that they were sitting just where they were supposed to sit. She firmly believed in a divine plan that permeated all aspects of people’s lives, and she would have said that they sat in these particular places to learn something. She would have said that they needed to learn how to be more comfortable around people with whom they didn’t feel comfortable. Vince and Silvia needed to learn to not be so competitive. Cosmo and Frank needed to learn to tolerate each other and learn better table manners. Angie and Donna needed to learn to connect with each other and to stop pushing each other away. Angie and Cosmo needed to overlook their differences and simply get along.
But Grandma Tucci wasn’t here to say any of this. And had she been present, she would not have been heard. Her voice had always been clear, but lacking in the ferocity needed to be heard amidst the Greco crew. So, she went unheard to all, except Silvia, who was fortunate to know what was important at a young age. She remembered her grandma’s words so clearly and as Vince sat down beside her, a feeling of non-competiveness came over her. She wondered if somehow the other members of her family were also hearing Grandma Tucci’s wisdom. She noticed Cosmo and Frank sitting next to each other without their usual antagonism, with guards down, not up. Isabella seemed to tie Donna and Angie together, as if erasing the line between them.
Silvia’s main concern was Frank’s frequent gazes at Donna from across the table. Maybe he was admiring how pretty she looked with her beet red lipstick and elegant black, sleeveless dress. Maybe he was hoping that she had changed her mind about him. Her other main concern was with Vince and Doug, but Doug wasted no time in spurring up a conversation about Berkeley, allowing her anxiety about them to subside. It turned out that Doug had lived close by Berkeley for a short while. Of course, it was in some place in Silicon Valley, a place that Vince would probably never set foot because it was too conservative. None-the-less, Doug knew about the general area.
“You’re gonna love it out there,” said Doug, stretching his arms out over his tired looking face and perfectly styled hair.
“Yeah,” said Vince, his tone of voice with a mixture of enthusiasm and cautiousness. “I’m a bit nervous about going so far away, but I think I’ll like Berkeley.”
“He’s going to fit right in,” added Silvia, making her big smile even bigger.
She assumed that Frank must have told Vince that he would be helping him with his tuition. Of course, there was always the chance that he would change his mind, maybe forty or fifty times more before Vince was safely out of the house. Silvia then thought of something she could do to prevent this from happening.
“Hey everyone,” she said, standing up and banging a spoon on her water glass. She had never done anything like this and kind of surprised herself when she stood up to take center stage. If she had been more sophisticated, she may have waited to make her announcement when there was wine, thereby making it a toast.
“I just wanted to thank everyone for coming to celebrate Vince’s graduation from high school and his acceptance into Berkeley, where he’ll be going in the fall.” Everyone smiled at Vince and at Silvia, who then turned towards Frank and said, “And I would especially like to thank you, Dad, for making Vince’s dream a reality. And also for making this gathering a possibility.” And at this, everyone clapped their hands, especially little Isabella who saw this as an opportunity to clap and bounce and say “Yay!” in her baby voice. Frank had such a look of gratitude in his eyes, as though this moment, in itself, would be enough for him to live on for the rest of his life. She then sat down, Frank still smiling at her like she was the greatest person alive. She may have even been promoted to Frank’s number one child that night.
From where Silvia sat, she could overhear fragments of all the conversations surrounding her. Donna was talking baby talk to Isabella, with Angie chiming in about her daughter’s likes and dislikes. Cosmo was saying something to Frank about how his workplace was becoming less and less departmentalized, as more and more people were being laid off. Doug was still talking to Vince about the area in which he would soon reside. Everyone was interacting with each other, as if their fight-filled past had never existed, as if it had been completely erased from their minds. Maybe they were learning. Or maybe Grandma Tucci was sitting beside them all, silently showing them the way. Or maybe they were all just acting in accord to get through the night. Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the absolute perfection of this time.
She felt a little covetous of this time, as she knew that, like all the really good things in life, it would pass too quickly. The thought of Frank’s milkshake came into her head. She knew only too well that at any second Angie might remember how Cosmo rejected her offer to be Isabella’s godfather. Or Donna might remember one of the many times Frank stumbled in from a night of drinking and cheating. They might all collectively remember that they should not be getting along so well.
This time was to be treasured and surely it was destined to become one of those special memories that Silvia could always look back on. She wanted to keep this time with her always in the same way that she had kept Grandma Tucci with her. She wanted to carry it with her for the rest of her life and throw away all of the bad family stuff that had lived within her for so long. She wanted this memory to be tattooed in her mind so that when things, once again, turned bad within her family, she would have this moment of light to hang onto.
Just as Silvia was enjoying the feeling of being so light that she felt as if she was floating over the table and watching everyone from above, the waiter came to the table with antipasto. Had it not been for the big gaping hole in her stomach, she would have floated a little longer. But she knew she needed to get some salad before her family finished it up. In fact, she knew to serve herself first, so that she could be assured of getting the best of what was in the bowl.
“You’re taking all the tomatoes,” said Donna to Silvia.
“I barely ate all day,” said Silvia. “Give me a break.”
Isabella began to make sounds and point to the bowl of lettuce as if she was trying to say “salad.”
“She loves anything green,” said her mother proudly. “You should see how excited she gets when I make spinach.”
After bragging about her little girl, Angie jumped up and ran over to the waiter, smart phone in hand, to ask him if he could take a picture of all of them. Silvia couldn’t believe that she had forgotten about getting a picture of the occasion. She was grateful that Angie had remembered and really grateful that Angie then said that she would email a copy to everyone.
Voices seemed to rise and fall together making a symphony of chatter. Around midway through dinner, Vince turned to Silvia and said, “Thanks for everything, Silvie.” And she knew exactly what he meant by “everything,” as if they had communicated telepathically. It wasn’t just making this celebration happen. It wasn’t just announcing to everyone that Frank wou
ld be helping him with his tuition, thereby, making sure Frank abides by the promise he had made and broken several times. It was for all that she had taught him this past month, like getting along with people who had different values than him, biting his tongue and being diplomatic, remembering the good in all people, and being able to forgive.
Donna seemed oblivious to the awkwardness present between Cosmo and Angie, as she was too preoccupied with feeding her grand-daughter. But Silvia was perfectly aware of it. She was relieved when Cosmo made the opening gesture towards Angie. What he said was nothing like a piece of ordinary conversation. It was nothing like, “So how's North Jersey?” or “Do you make it in to New York a lot?” or “You must be enjoying being a mom, huh?” Anything like that would have been too banal for Cosmo. Instead he grabbed something from his pants pocket and said playfully, “I gotta magic trick for Isabella.” He walked over to his niece smiling his big, goofy smile, while Angie followed with her eyes. He acted like a big clown and looked like one, even without face makeup and big floppy shoes. Isabella looked at him as if she knew she was about to be entertained.
“Oh look! You have something behind your ear,” said Cosmo to the little girl, as he put his hand behind her ear and pulled out a quarter. She began to laugh and jump up and down in her high chair.
When he took his seat again, grinning big and wide, Angie patted him on the shoulder affectionately and said, “I didn't know we had a magician in the family.”
“Yeah,” he responded. “I guess I should be learning some more tricks now that there’s a little one around.”
Silvia was so touched by the whole exchange and she thanked her big brother with smiling eyes. He reciprocated her graciousness by saying the very thing that she had wanted to hear him say for the past month. She just wished that he had not said it from across the table so that everyone could hear.
“I have been giving that Portland thing some more thought. It does look like a great place. Maybe I will come out there with you and check it out.”
She stared back at him with bewilderment. She was happy to hear this, but not overjoyed. She told him that she wasn’t sure that she would be going any time soon but that it might be a great thing for the two of them to move there together one day. For the first time in a very long time, there was no rush to get to some place new. She didn’t need to continue to search for the perfect place. She felt that she had found it right where she was. She felt that it would come with her wherever she went, whether that place was Portland, New Jersey or on the moon.
The magic continued throughout the delicious dinner that included homemade raviolis, chicken cacciatore, and spaghetti with clams. The laughter and the conversation blurred together into one big, gorgeous thing. Through Silvia’s hard work, the circle of fighting that went on and on, in their family and the families that preceded them, had been broken. Most likely it would be temporary, as someone would inevitably remember something to be angry about. But she didn’t have the future and she didn’t have the past. She only had now and now was good.
It wasn’t until they had all started to walk out to the parking lot that Silvia remembered the painting. “I have something to show you all,” she said, leading them over to her car. She opened her trunk and took out the painting. At first, all of their voices simultaneously declared what a great painting it was. Then Angie squabbled a bit about how she didn’t like the eyes that her sister had given her. And Cosmo said that she made him too lanky. Frank said that he was much better looking in real life than in the painting. Vince and Donna just stood there admiring this thing of beauty. And then a great silence overtook them all, and their voices melted in the air. It was the kind of silence that was bigger than any sounds that could be heard. It was the same sound that Silvia had heard in the Cape May sunset. It was the sound of togetherness. The sound of six becoming one. The sound that rises above it all. The sound of peace.
THE END
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Acknowledgements
James “Gaddy” Gadbois
Annamae Jacobs
Charlotte Sanders
Bob Finlayson
Linda Watson
Alicia Young
Enjoy Olive Branches Don’t Grow On Trees? Be sure to check out the sequel and second book in the Greco Family Trilogy, Discovery of an Eagle, available in paperback and various e-book formats through all major online booksellers. Discovery of an Eagle is about a 28 year old man who wakes up when he realizes death is imminent. Set against the backdrop of the American landscape, this road story is filled with vivid, soulful descriptions and a cast of colorful characters. Reviewers such as Kirkus and Midwest Book Review have described this novel as a poignant and well-drawn soaring story that takes readers on an emotional odyssey and opens their eyes to new perspectives.
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