“Ted…Ted is sterile because of his having had the mumps. He’ll never father a child. Dear Lord, do you realize what he’s been robbed of, what this means?”
Ted had turned, run down the hall, and barreled out the front door into the cold rain. He’d run as fast and far as he could before sinking to his knees in an empty field, his lungs burning.
He knew what his father had been about to say and hadn’t been able to bear hearing it.
He’d been robbed of his manhood.
He was not, nor would he ever be, a whole man.
Ted had sprawled facedown on the wet grass, sobbing, his tears mingling with the driving rain that pelted him, his father’s words echoing over and over in his mind, tormenting him.
From that day forward, there had been something missing from his relationship with his father, a breach that had never been repaired. He knew that in his father’s eyes he now fell short of what a son should be.
Robbed of his manhood.
Not a whole man.
Ted had listened when his parents told him gently about the test results. He’d shrugged, said it was no big deal, and it had never been discussed again.
His folks never knew about the tears he’d shed, the pain he’d buried deep within himself.
The years had passed, he’d become a police officer, and lived the life of a swinging single. For weeks, months at a stretch, he was actually convinced that his existence was exactly the way he wanted it.
Then the ghosts would rear their ugly heads in the dark hours and he’d struggle against them. Push them away, winning each battle before they could grip his heart and soul.
Always winning…until tonight.
A shudder ripped through him and Ted dragged his hands down his face, his fingers trembling as he realized they were wet with tears.
“Oh, damn,” he said, staring up at the ceiling.
He leaned forward, propped his elbows heavily on the table and sank his head into his hands. Time lost meaning as he sat there, alone and cold, empty, wrapped in a cocoon of misery.
Hannah lay in bed, willing sleep to come and carry her off into blissful oblivion. The baby was especially active tonight, probably objecting to the dinner menu of pizza and green grapes.
She turned her head toward the other pillow she couldn’t see in the dark, envisioning how magnificent Ted had looked there, close, his attention centered on her and the world they’d created together.
Daisy crawled up the bedspread, then settled by Hannah’s waist and went to sleep. Hannah stroked the kitten absently, deep in thought.
Her ridiculous performance at Ted’s had been just that…ridiculous. She’d been smiling one moment, picking a fight in the next breath, then had trekked right into being a weepy mess. How mortifying. How patient and sweet Ted had been.
Maybe she should blame the whole episode on pregnancy hormones and green grapes, and forget it.
Hannah sighed.
She’d never get away with a cop-out like that, because she knew it wasn’t true. Ted was throwing her off-kilter, confusing her, making her nervous.
Because he was being just so darn nice.
She’d fallen prey to his damnable niceness throughout the day, had relaxed and enjoyed their shopping spree for the baby furniture.
Ted’s enthusiasm had been infectious, and she’d felt happy and carefree. She’d laughed in pure delight when he whipped out his tape measure to check the crib slats, as Ryan had instructed. He’d been so serious about it, insisting on measuring every one, refusing to assume that if the first few met code, the rest would.
As she’d watched him, she made no attempt to hide the smile that remained on her face, and had been aware of a lovely warmth filling her, stroking her like a comforting blanket she could gather around herself.
Ted obviously objected to her plan to keep their lovemaking in its proper place. Why? He should be pleased and relieved that she didn’t view their intimacy as a right to demand some sort of commitment from him.
Oh, he was a complicated man, so difficult to understand at times, so honest and open at others. He was weaving his way into her life, her day-to-day existence, and that was very dangerous.
Should she refuse to see him again?
Decline invitations to accompany him to Mac-Allister outings?
Not allow herself to share in exquisitely beautiful lovemaking with him ever again?
“Oh, dear,” she whispered into the darkness.
That all sounded so bleak, so lonely. Ted made her smile, laugh right out loud. And Ted made her feel beautiful.
She didn’t want to force him out of her life, not now, not yet.
Hannah frowned as a new thought struck her.
She wouldn’t have to send Ted on his way later. He’d leave on his own, hightail it out of her life in the very near future.
Why?
Because she was pregnant. He might think her volleyball stomach was intriguing, but she was going to be much bigger than a volleyball before this baby was born.
She’d be fat, pure and simple. She’d waddle like a duck, forget what her feet looked like, be as attractive as a blimp. She might even grow to life-raft size, as Jillian had.
Hannah told herself she wouldn’t have to work at not becoming too emotionally involved with Ted Sharpe because he wouldn’t be around that long. Nature would take care of the job for her as the baby grew. She’d prepare herself for his inevitable exit stage left, and enjoy his company in the meantime.
After all, Ted was a confirmed bachelor who existed in the fast lane of the singles’ scene because that was the life-style he preferred and intended to keep.
When she began to impersonate a whale, he’d be gone by his choice, his decision.
The only thing she had to do was make certain when Ted left, he didn’t take her heart with him.
Chapter Nine
The following weeks passed quickly, one flowing into the next. Hannah and Ted were together at some point each day, depending on his shift. They shopped for baby clothes, attended MacAllister clan events, and spent a great many quiet and lovely evenings at home.
“Ted?” Hannah said.
“Hmm?”
“Would you put the VCR on stop, please? I need to talk to you about something.”
Ted snapped his head around to look at Hannah where she sat next to him on the sofa in his living room.
“Sure,” he said.
He pressed a button on the remote control and the movie they had been watching halted just as the sheriff reached for his gun to shoot the outlaw.
“You’re frowning,” he said, matching her expression. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I mean, well, it’s not nothing exactly, it’s…” She took a steadying breath. “I went to the doctor today for my routine checkup.”
Ted shifted on the sofa to fully face her. “And? What did he say? Why are you frowning? You were very quiet during dinner, preoccupied. Hannah? Talk to me,” he said anxiously.
“I am talking to you, but you’re taking up the air space.”
“Oh. Sorry. Go ahead. You went to the doctor today. And?” He leaned toward her.
“This is November first, the beginning of my eighth month.”
“And?”
“Well, he said that…um…”
“Hannah, please,” Ted said, taking her hands in his. “Is the baby all right?”
“Oh, yes, he’s fine. She’s fine. Maybe I should have had an ultrasound. This ‘he’ or ‘she’ gets to be a nuisance sometimes.”
“Forrest is gearing up to let you know what it is. We’re getting closer to The Baby Bet extravaganza. Hannah, please, take pity on me. You’re driving me crazy. What did the doctor say?”
“Ican’thavesexanymore,” she said in a rush of words.
Ted’s frown deepened. “I didn’t catch any of that. Could you go a little slower?”
“Oh, dear. Okay. Ted, I can’t have sex anymore. I’m no longer allowed to make love from now un
til about six weeks after the baby is born.”
He nodded. “And?”
Hannah blinked. “And what? That’s it. The bad news, the gruesome bulletin, the it’s-been-great-but-goodbye announcement.”
“Man, you’ve really lost me here, Ms. Doodle. Did I miss something? Goodbye? Who’s leaving for where?”
“You’re leaving,” she said, nearly shrieking.
Ted’s eyes widened. “I am? Why? Where am I going?”
“Out of my life,” she said, pulling her hands free. She flapped one hand in the air. “You’re gone. Poof. You’re outta here.”
“You’re sending me away?”
“No, no, no, but why would you stay? My gosh, Ted, look at me. I’m as big as an inner tube and heading toward life raft. My feet are swollen by the end of the day, I waddle worse than Donald Duck, I wear tents instead of clothes and now I can’t even make love.” She sniffled. “I understand, I really do. So goodbye. I can’t talk about this anymore or I’ll cry.
Ted lunged to his feet to tower over her, his hands planted on his hips.
“We damn well are going to talk about this. I’ve never been so insulted in my life. You’re really ticking me off, Hannah Johnson.”
“I am?” she said, shock evident on her face. “I am not. I’m being realistic and mature. If I don’t burst into tears, I will have accepted the facts with dignity and class.”
“Facts? Facts! You don’t have facts, you have a bunch of bull!”
“Don’t yell at me!”
“Well, hell, what do you expect me to do?”
“Leave!”
Ted groaned and shoved both hands through his hair. He stared at the ceiling and counted aloud to ten.
“Okay, I’m calm.” He sat back down. “Cool. Collected. In control. I won’t yell. I won’t tell you you’re nuttier than a fruitcake, even though you are. Have you been binging on green grapes again? You’re really wacko.”
“You’re babbling.”
“And you’re crazy!” He shook his head. “No, I won’t raise my voice.” He took her hands again. “Hannah, listen to me, and please hear every word I’m saying. Are you paying attention?”
“Yes, but…”
“Please just listen, and don’t interrupt.” When she nodded, he continued, “Ah, Hannah, what you said really hurt. Do you think I’m a sex maniac, or something? We can’t make love anymore. Okay, I can live with that. I can still hold you in bed, rub your back when its aching, tell you how cute your toes look because you can’t see them.”
He shifted his hands to frame her face.
“Hannah, the only way I’d leave you is if you sent me away, which would tear me apart. You surely realize I haven’t seen anyone but you all these months, because I’ve obviously spent every spare minute with you. I don’t want anyone but you.”
“It has been wonderful,” she said, struggling against threatening tears. “I’ve been so happy with you, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of the time we’ve spent together and with all the MacAllisters. They’ve made me feel like one of the family. And you’ve made me feel special, cherished and beautiful.”
“Because you are special and beautiful. You should be cherished, and I do. And I love you and—” Ted stopped speaking and stiffened. “What?” he said.
“What?” Hannah echoed.
“I…well, I’ll be damned.” A grin broke across his face. “I do. I love you, Hannah Johnson. I, Theodore Sharpe, am in love with you.”
Hannah’s eyes widened. “You are not.” She leaned back a bit, forcing him to drop his hands from her face. “Don’t you dare say such a thing.”
“I have to say it, because it’s true. I wonder when it happened? This love stuff is sneaky. Man, oh, man, I’m in love. Hannah, you look like I just told you that Daisy had fourteen kittens in the middle of your bed. You’re as pale as a ghost.”
“I…I don’t want you to be in love with me,” she said, her voice trembling. “We were doing fine as we were. Everything was in its proper slot. Don’t be in love with me, Ted. Please? Erase it, ignore it, make it go away.”
His smile faded and was replaced by a frown. “I don’t think I can do that.” He shook his head. “No, that’s impossible. Love is a heavy-duty emotion, Hannah. When it gets you, it gets you, a done deal. A person can’t take two aspirin for it and feel better in the morning. I’ve never been in love before, but I can tell I don’t have any control over it.”
“Oh, dear me,” she said, shaking her head. “This is terrible, just awful.”
“Thanks a lot, Ms. Doodle.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Ted. That sounded as though having you in love with me is a grim truth to be endured. That’s not what I’m saying at all. It isn’t personal. I just don’t want anyone to be in love with me. Because it’s you, and because I’m with you all the time, I’ll have to figure out how I feel about you, and I don’t want to do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because everything was perfect the way it was, don’t you see?”
“What I see by the clock is that I have to get to work. I hate to put this discussion on hold, Hannah, but duty calls. I’ll change into my uniform, then walk you home on the way to the elevator.” He picked up the remote control and handed it to her. “Watch the movie and find out if the good guy wins.”
He got to his feet, then leaned down and brushed his lips over hers.
“Until we can talk again after I wake up tomorrow,” he said, close to her lips, “don’t think. Have you got that? You’ll get yourself smack-dab in the middle of a major stress attack if you dwell on this. Okay? Promise me you’ll at least try not to think?”
Hannah nodded, unable to speak due to the ache of unshed tears in her throat. She watched Ted leave the room, then took a shuddering breath.
Don’t think, she told herself. Oh, please, Hannah, don’t think.
Ted stood under the spray of hot water in the shower, mentally repeating his own directive like a mantra.
Don’t think, Sharpe.
Don’t think.
He could not, would not, dwell on the discovery that he was in love with Hannah Johnson, not now, not when he was about to go on duty.
Oh, Lord, he was in love.
How in the hell had that happened? He kept in touch with himself, knew how he felt about things, what his reactions to events meant. How could a man suddenly find that he was deeply in love with a woman and not have been aware of his changing and growing feelings?
He sure hadn’t been kidding when he’d told Hannah that love was sneaky. It was powerful, potent and…sneaky.
His first reaction had been shock that had shifted almost instantly to pure joy. An incredible warmth had suffused him, and he’d had the urge to shout his declaration of love from the rooftops.
But now?
It was really sinking in, and felt like a rough punch in the gut. He’d betrayed himself, broken his own vow made years before to never become seriously involved with a woman, never fall in love and definitely never entertain the idea of marriage.
Damn, what a mess.
He was in love with Hannah.
Mumbling several earthy expletives, he turned off the water, left the shower and began to dry himself with an oversize towel.
Don’t think.
But how could he shut down his mind? The realization that he loved Hannah was beating against his brain.
Ted left the bathroom and began to dress, a frown knitting his eyebrows.
If he looked at the situation in the short term, it was great, fantastic. His beautiful Ms. Doodle was everything and more that a man could ever hope to have in a wife. The past months spent with her were the happiest of his entire life.
And the baby? The baby had captured his heart. He could hardly wait to see it, hold it. To be a father to that child, that miracle, would be one of the greatest gifts and honors he’d ever received.
The baby would be Hannah’s and his. His. He would love it as his own, watch it grow
and blossom like a wondrous flower that he was helping to nurture. Hannah would be his wife, he would be her husband, and the child now within her would be theirs.
But later? A few years down the road? The ugly truth would rise to the surface and destroy everything. It would be time for another baby, a sister or brother for the one they had.
But he couldn’t give Hannah that child.
Because he wasn’t a whole man. “Damn it, Sharpe,” he said aloud, “don’t think. Not now.”
Several hours later, Ryan drove the patrol car slowly down a residential street, automatically scanning the area for anything that appeared out of order.
“You’re awfully quiet tonight, Ted,” he said.
“What? Oh, I guess I don’t have anything brilliant to say.”
Ryan chuckled. “You rarely do, but that doesn’t keep you from talking.”
“Yeah, well…” Ted paused. “Ryan, are you and Deedee going to have another baby?”
“Where did that come from?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Yes, we’re planning on having two kids. Teddy is still a baby, so there’s no rush. We’ll probably talk about it in a year or so.”
“What about Jenny and Michael? Their Bobby is getting to be a big boy.”
Ryan nodded. “They’re trying for another one. It just hasn’t happened yet.” He laughed. “Jillian says she and Forrest are finished producing little Mac-Allisters. They got three at once and that’s it, thank you very much.
“Andrea hasn’t said anything, but I have a feeling she’ll get pregnant again, in spite of having twins already. She’d probably be thrilled out of her socks to have another set of twins. She’s a natural-born mother.”
“So is Hannah,” Ted said. “I mean, granted, she hasn’t even had her baby yet, but all you have to do is watch her with the MacAllister brood to know the mothering instincts are there.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that she’ll be a good mother,” Ryan said. “She could probably handle a houseful.”
“Yeah.” Ted sighed. “Yeah, I know.”
Ryan glanced over at him quickly, then redirected his attention to his driving.
The Father of Her Child (The Baby Bet #3) Page 11