“Ted?”
“Hannah, look, this isn’t going the way I planned it, not even close. I should have told you weeks, months ago, but…” He leaned forward and took her hands in his, propping his elbows on the bed.
“There’s something you should have told me, but didn’t?” she said, the color draining from her face, followed by a stricken expression.
“Ah, Hannah, please don’t look at me like that.”
“Are you saying there’s something I don’t know that will make you someone I don’t know?”
“I came here to tell you today. Listen to me. Please? I love you, Hannah. I love you, and I love Patty. You believe that, don’t you?”
“Yes, I believe that. But why did you speak those words to Patty when she was born?”
Ted’s grip on Hannah’s hands tightened and his voice was raspy with emotion when he spoke again.
“Because…because I’m sterile. I had the mumps when I was a teenager and I can’t father a child. Not ever.”
Hannah’s eyes widened and her mind raced in a matching tempo with her thundering heart. She pulled her hands free and shifted slightly on the bed in an attempt to put distance between herself and Ted.
“Oh, dear God,” she said, hardly above a whisper. “You want Patty. You see her as a way to be a father. You called her your daughter, said she was yours.”
“Yes, but—”
“You said you loved me, but you didn’t ask me to marry you. I kept wondering why, and now I know. You’re not interested in marriage, in me, in being a husband. You’re focused on being a father. You want Patty, only Patty.”
“Hannah, no, it’s not like that at all.”
She leaned her head back on the pillows and closed her eyes.
“No, no,” she said, “not again, not again. I believed in you, fell in love with you. I’d vowed to never again trust my judgment about any man, but I was convinced that I’d finally made the right choice and…”
She lifted her head and looked at Ted, tears spilling onto her pale cheeks.
“I was wrong…again,” she said, a sob catching in her throat. “You’re not who I believed you to be. You don’t want to marry me because you love me. You see me as a way to have a child, to be a father, to nurture, love, watch her grow up, be a part of her life. All you wanted from me is my daughter. My daughter.”
Ted lunged to his feet. “No! I came here to tell you that I can’t give you more children. I know I should have told you the truth sooner, but I was scared to death, Hannah, so afraid you’d send me away.
“I had made up my mind that I’d leave you after Patty was born, get out of your life, so you could find a man who was whole, a man who could give you more babies. But then—”
“But then?” she interrupted, her voice rising. “Then what, Ted? A better idea, a genius-level plan? You’d ask me to marry you? You’d be able to have a daughter, and for that you’d put up with the nuisancen and commitment of a wife?”
“Damn it, no! I walked into this room hoping, praying, you’d accept me as I am, as not totally a man. We’d raise Patty together, love her, be a family. She’d be our daughter. We could adopt more kids, Hannah, if you’d be willing to. We could have it all, don’t you see?”
“What I see,” she said, sobbing openly, “is that I’ve been betrayed one more time, one last time. What I see is that you’re scrambling, frantically searching for a way to keep Patty in your life. Your proposal of marriage is your last-ditch effort to accomplish that.”
She dashed the tears from her cheeks with trembling hands.
“No. No, I won’t marry you. Not ever. Go away, Ted. Leave me alone. Don’t come near me, or my daughter. Patty is mine. Mine. You can’t have my baby. You can’t.”
Hannah covered her face with her hands and wept, sobs wracking her body. Ted lifted one hand toward her, then dropped it back to his side. The pain consuming him took his breath away. It was excruciating in its intensity.
He’d lost. He’d lost Hannah, the only woman he had ever, or would ever, love. He’d lost Patty, the daughter of his heart. He was a beaten man, empty, cold and so alone.
Hannah, his mind screamed. No. Please!
But he didn’t speak. There was nothing more to say.
With a shaking hand, he took a small box from the pocket of his slacks. It was wrapped in gold paper and topped by a tiny matching bow. He set it on the bed, then turned and walked from the room, the sound of Hannah’s heartbroken crying beating against him like physical blows.
A few minutes later, Ted stood in front of the nursery window, gazing at a peacefully sleeping Patty, gazing at a miracle.
A moment later, he could no longer see Patricia Elizabeth, because his vision was blurred by tears.
An hour later, Hannah opened the pretty box Ted had left on the bed. Her tears started anew as she saw the exquisite gift nestled in the fluffy cotton.
On a gold chain, carved from the finest ivory, was a small and incredibly delicate daffodil.
Chapter Fifteen
Two days later, Ted paced his living room as he told his mother what had taken place and that he loved Hannah. His father was stretched out asleep on the sofa, enjoying an afternoon nap.
Susan and Dean Sharpe had arrived at Ted’s apartment an hour before. With the special wisdom that mothers possess, Susan had waited until Ted brought up the subject of Hannah, rather than ask about her.
After Dean had dozed off, weary from the drive, Ted began his dismal tale, keeping his voice low so as not to awaken his father.
Ted stopped his trek and shoved a restless hand through his hair.
“There you have it,” he said. “Great, huh? I blew it, Mom, big time. Hannah believes that I’ve stayed with her all these months because of Patty. I’ve lost Hannah and I’ve lost Patty, too. I have no one to blame but myself. I knew, damn it, I knew, how important truth and honesty were to Hannah.”
He planted his hands on his hips and stated up at the ceiling, attempting to gain control of his emotions. Looking at his mother again, he shook his head.
“I’m such a jerk,” he said. “Hannah was determined never to trust her judgment again in regard to her choice of a man. She had a major flaw, she said, of not being able to tell if a man was really who be presented himself to be, who she believed him to be. So what do I do? I withhold the truth from her and confirm her opinion of men as frauds.”
“Ted…”
“I was a fool to get involved with Hannah. I should have run like hell the minute I realized I was in love with her. I can’t have a woman like Hannah in my life. I’ve known that for a very long time. Hannah is not mine to have.”
“Why on earth not?” Susan said. “You’re a wonderful man. You’re thoughtful, caring—”
“Mom, come on,” he interrupted. “Reality check, okay? I’m not a whole man. I can’t give Hannah more children. Look, I’ve never told you this because it would have served no purpose, but…”
He drew a shuddering breath, then said, “I heard you and Dad talking all those years ago after the doctor called to report that I was sterile. Oh, yeah, I heard Dad say, ‘Do you realize what he has been robbed of, what this means?’ In my own father’s eyes, I wasn’t totally a man, never would be. I never felt as close to him after that, because I knew I fell short, didn’t measure up.
“Why do you think I went the swinging-bachelor route? Because I knew, Mom, that I couldn’t ask any woman to marry me. I couldn’t ask her to sacrifice her natural maternal instincts to want to have babies.
“What I did to Hannah was selfish and cruel. There’s no excuse for my deception, for hurting her so terribly. I knew I couldn’t have her. Hell, I’ve known how things stood ever since I was sixteen years old and heard Dad say—”
“You hold it right there,” Dean Sharpe said, suddenly sitting up and swinging his feet to the floor.
“Well, that’s dandy,” Ted said, rolling his eyes heavenward. “I suppose you’ve been listening to this wh
ole conversation.”
“Indeed I have,” his father said. “I kept silent because I realized you needed to get some things off your chest, and I didn’t want to interrupt.”
“So you eavesdropped, instead,” Ted said with a snort of disgust. “You’re cool, Dad, really terrific.”
“Theodore, there’s no call to be rude to your father,” Susan said.
“That’s all right, Susan,” Dean said, “because I’m about to be rude to him. Ted, you’re a dope.”
“Thank you very much.” Ted slouched onto a chair and glared at his father.
“Ted, listen to me,” Dean said, his voice gentling. “I remember saying those words after the doctor called. They’re as clear in my mind as though it were yesterday. You heard me. And?”
“And what?” Ted said.
“What did you do?”
“I ran. I bolted out the door and ran until I dropped. Then I cried. Okay, Dad? Is this what you want me to spill my guts about? I sobbed like a little kid because I would never be able to father a child, and because…because I was no longer the son for you that I’d been.”
“Oh, my darling boy,” Susan whispered. “No.”
“Then when you two told me what the doctor had reported,” Ted went on, his voice gritty, “I blew it off, said it was no big deal.”
Dean shook his head. “So we didn’t discuss it further. Dear Lord, I should have pushed you to talk about it. Ted, how can I ask you to forgive me? I’d sell my soul to turn back the clock to that day.”
“Why?” Ted said. “Facts are facts.”
“No, your facts are wrong,” Dean said. “You ran out the door before you heard all of what your mother and I said.”
Ted lifted one shoulder in a shrug.
“Ted, damn it, listen to me,” Dean said, nearly shouting.
Ted blinked in surprise at his father’s outburst and straightened in his chair.
“Okay, I’m listening,” he said. “Calm down, will you? You’ll get your blood pressure in an uproar, or something.”
Dean leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands tightly.
“Son,” he said quietly, “you listened that day with the mind of a sixteen-year-old boy, and you didn’t even hear all that was said. It breaks my heart to realize you chose a life-style for yourself at that moment that was like an albatross around your neck all these years.
“Ted, when I said, ‘Do you realize what he’s been robbed of?’ I wasn’t referring to your manhood, nor did I for one second view you as less than a total man. My first reaction was pain for your loss, for never being able to witness the wondrous miracle of watching your wife grow big with your child, then seeing that baby born.”
Ted stiffened, every muscle in his body tensing. “But I thought-”
“I now know what you thought,” Dean said, “and my heart aches because of it.”
“Do you realize that powers beyond our understanding,” Susan said, “have set things to rights? You have witnessed the woman you love grow with a child you’ve come to love as though it were your own. You even had more than most other men, Ted. You were blessed by being given the opportunity to help deliver that baby, bring her into the world.”
Ted nodded slowly, his mind racing.
“What you didn’t hear that day you ran from the house,” his mother said, “was my telling your father that you had so much love in your heart, even then at sixteen, that when you were grown, any child that you adopted would be, to you, truly yours, your very own. I said you needed only to find the right woman as your life’s partner.”
“And I agreed with your mother completely,” Dean said. “I admitted that my first reaction that you’d been cheated out of something was wrong. Ted, I swear to you, I have never felt you were less of a man because you can’t father a child. Never.”
Ted dragged both hands down his face, then shook his head. “I don’t know what to say to you two, especially you, Dad. All these years, I believed…I misjudged you, I…Saying I’m sorry doesn’t cut it, not even close.”
“I’m the one who is sorry, Ted,” Dean said. “I should have sat you down and talked the whole thing through, instead of accepting your laid-back attitude as being how you really felt.”
“Well, what’s done is done,” Susan said. “The important thing now is the present and future.”
“Absolutely,” Dean said. “That means Hannah and Patricia Elizabeth. Theodore, you’d better mend fences with those special ladies, because I’ll be very cross if I’m deprived of my daughter and granddaughter.”
“Mercy yes,” Susan said. “I want to see Patty in the outfit I knitted her. Well, actually, I knitted her two outfits. So, Ted? Don’t you think it’s time to quit moping and start putting together a plan to fix this disastrous muddle? I have a daughter to hug and a baby to spoil. You’d best get on the stick, young man.”
An achy sensation gripped Ted’s throat as he look at his parents.
“I love you guys,” he said softly. “I hope you know how very much I love you.’’
“And we love you, son,” Dean said.
“Always, darling,” Susan said.
Dean cleared his throat and blinked back tears. “Now then, it seems to me that you’ve got a battle on your hands to convince Hannah that you love her as much as you love the baby. You’re a Sharpe, and we don’t give up. Not ever. Understood.”
Ted smiled. “Yes, sir, I read you loud and clear.” He frowned in the next instant. “Damned if I know what I’m going to do, though.”
“Listen to your heart,” Susan said. “Oh, and quit swearing so much. That’s not the type of language to use around Patty. Well, I’m ready for a bite to eat. Let’s go to a restaurant before you’re due on duty.”
Ted nodded and got to his feet. “Listen to my heart? I sure hope it has something brilliant to say.”
Four hours into the duty shift, Ryan had had enough of Ted’s total silence.
“How was your Christmas, Ryan?” Ryan said. “Great, really fun, and Teddy loved it. I covered for you after you called me at my folks, Ted, said you were bushed from impersonating the stork.
“Hannah? She came home from the hospital today. Her friend Laurie picked up her and Patty, saying she should be allowed to do at least that since her weeks of training to be Hannah’s birth coach went down the tubes.
“Deedee took a hamper filled with food for a couple of lunches and dinners to Hannah this evening. She came home chatting like a magpie about that adorable little girl. I have a feeling I’m going to hear, ‘Let’s have another baby’ pretty quick here.
“Deedee says Hannah is feeling fine, but is quiet and doesn’t smile much. Deedee thinks there’s trouble in romance-land, but has no clue as to what happened. She did mention that Hannah is wearing a knockout necklace that is a daffodil carved from ivory.
“Oh, yes, and Forrest is mad as hell at you for winning The Baby Bet. He’s convinced you cheated, but can’t figure out how in the world you did it.
“Well, it was nice talking to you, Sharpe.”
“You’re so cute,” Ted said, shooting a glare in Ryan’s direction. “It boggles my mind.”
“Well, hell, man, it’s been like driving around with a damn corpse.”
“Don’t swear like that around Patty. I don’t want her hearing that stuff.”
“Pardon me all to heck, Dad. What I want to know is, how are you going to fix this mess? How are you going to convince Hannah you love her and want to spend your life with her and Patty? Huh? Answer me that, Mr. Chatter Cheeks.”
“I’m thinking,” Ted said, none too quietly. “Okay, MacAllister? I’m thinking about it so damn much, I’m wearing out my brain. Hell, I’ve screwed this up so badly it’s a sin.”
“I can see it now. Patty’s first and second words spoken will be damn and hell. Shame on you.”
“Shut up.”
Ryan chuckled. “Go back to silent thinking.”
“Mmm.”
During the following days, while being careful not to encounter Hannah in the hallway or elevator, Ted continued to turn his thoughts inward; sifting, sorting, going over a multitude of memories, recalling details of times spent with Hannah, reliving events and conversations.
The senior Sharpes informed him they were going to drive up the coast for several days. Ted absently told them to have a nice trip and he’d see them when they got back.
“Take care of yourself, dear,” Susan said.
“Okay.”
“Your sofa is on fire, dear.”
“Okay.”
Susan laughed. “Just keep thinking the way you are. You’ll find your answers.”
“Okay.”
On New Year’s Day, Ted slept until noon. He and Ryan had put in a hectic night shift dealing with holiday party goers, hauling half a dozen to jail to sleep off an overindulgence of alcohol. And now, having drawn duty on New Year’s Eve, the pair had the next two days off.
Ted opened one eye, glanced at the clock and immediately decided he was hungry. As he started to get out of the bed, he stopped, sinking back onto the pillow.
“Wait a minute,” he said aloud.
He didn’t move, nor hardly breathe. Things finally began to fall into place, slowly, piece by piece, like a complicated puzzle coming together and making sense at long last.
“Yes!”
He flung back the blankets, then headed toward the shower.
A half hour later, Ted knocked on Hannah’s door with the toe of his shoe, due to the fact that his hands were full.
* * *
Hannah tucked the blanket over a sleeping Patty, then hurried from the baby’s room to answer the summons at the door. She peered through the peephole, but frowned in confusion as she realized she had no idea what she was seeing. Leaving the chain in place, she cautiously opened the door.
“Hello, Hannah,” Ted said quietly. “May I come in? Please?”
“I…Yes.” She closed the door, undid the chain, then reopened the door so Ted could enter. She looked at what he was holding. “That’s the dollhouse you made.”
The Father of Her Child (The Baby Bet #3) Page 18