Unbroken by Love (The Basin Lake Series Book 4)

by Vercier, Stephanie

  “I was at Beth’s doing some painting,” I tell him. “And then Lexi DeNero showed up.”

  He laughs, though it’s slightly uncomfortable, like he knows I’m not happy about something. “Really? I figured she thought she was too good to ever step foot in this town again.” Then he steps to the side, opening his door wider. “Come on in. You and I should probably talk, huh?”

  “Yes,” I say, and follow him in.

  It’s much easier to be angry at an image or an idea than an actual person who is standing in front of you, a person who you love and who does nice things like getting you a glass of water without even asking. I take greedy gulps of the water while Garrett suggests we sit down on that big, oversized couch of his to talk. I opt instead for the dining room table. I don’t want to get too comfortable and lose my nerve.

  “I want you to know I wasn’t trying to accuse you of something last night. It’s just that…” He’s sitting across from me, runs a hand through his hair and frowns. “Well… sometimes stuff just happens, and I’m used to having a certain kind of response.”

  “Responding to all of those women you slept with?” It comes out like an accusation, and even though my anger has dissipated, I’m not all that sorry for saying it.

  “Uh…” he shakes his head and looks down into his lap.

  “Lexi said she knows this woman you slept with when you were in Seattle, that she was just one of the two that you flew to Minneapolis to keep the party going.” I feel almost dirty in recounting it, but there’s this part of me that wants to punish him, just like I’d tried to punish Shawn in bringing up his new wife, just like I’d punished Lyle when he’d come into the store asking about going on a date and I’d gotten to turn him down every single time. And with Garrett, it’s like a preemptive attack, wanting to hurt him before he can hurt me, but really wishing neither of us had to hurt at all.

  “I won’t deny any of it,” he says, his voice flat, his eyes barely raised to mine. “I was unhappy for a really long time, and I chose to fill that unhappiness with the wrong things, but I’m still ashamed. That’s not the kind of man I wanted to be. It’s not the man I am now.”

  The look he gives me tugs at my heartstrings, his brown eyes pleading, as if he’s vying for redemption and I’m the only person that can give it to him.

  And in this moment, I’m the one who feels a sudden shame, who is regretful for making him feel like dirt for something that is in his past, something he’d been trying to make right. He’d cared enough for me to get tested, to make sure we could move forward together with a clean slate. I want to get up and wrap my arms around his neck and whisper an apology into his ear, and I can almost picture myself doing it. But before I can move an inch, I decide that if he and I are going to move past this, then there’s something else we’ll have to move past, something I can no longer hide from him.

  “I can’t have children, Garrett.” I keep my chin up, refusing to feel less than for it. “That’s why Dr. Cramer looked at you funny. He’s not my doctor now, but he was a long time ago. He helped diagnose me when I was fifteen.”

  There is a sudden interest in his eyes, his chin up like mine. There is confusion too, and I’m sure this is the last thing he’d expected to hear.

  “I’m missing things that other women have, and I’m giving you an out… I’m telling you right now that if we move ahead with this thing, we’ll never have kids… at least not naturally.”

  I’m aware of how fast my heart is beating in my chest, but I also feel relief for telling him something I should have already gotten off of my chest. But at least now, it’s out of my head and into the space between he and I. And against the odds, I half expect him to get up, walk over and hug me, to tell me it doesn’t matter, that Shawn and Lyle were assholes and that he’ll love me no matter what.

  But he doesn’t say a thing. He just sits in a sort of stunned silence.

  And I know.

  I know it’s over.

  The chair almost falls over when I get up, and then I’m racing into the entryway and grabbing my keys.

  “Kate!” he calls after me, but I’m already out the door, and then I’m in my car, and then I’m back on the road.

  I wasn’t going to wait around for him to tell me we could still be friends or maybe just fuck buddies, for him to backtrack and say this thing between us wasn’t as serious as he thought, that he didn’t see anything long-term for us.

  Those thoughts should make me cry, should make me want to scream and yell and feel that same anger I did when I’d driven over here. But what I feel is a sort of numbed disappointment. I’d gotten my hopes up when I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t be surprised.

  The tears eventually come when the numbness wears off and I’m overcome with sadness, a sadness I thankfully don’t have to show anyone else when I get home, run past my dozing Grandma and Lucille II and lock myself into my room.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  KATE

  I’d turned my phone off last night and then cried myself to sleep, so exhausted by my emotions that I didn’t wake up until nearly nine this morning. I’d tentatively agreed to babysit for Beth this morning so she could work at Pamela’s, and as soon as I turn my phone on, a call from her rolls in.

  “Beth? I’m so sorry—”

  “Not Beth.” It’s Garrett, Garrett who I’d written off in my mind over a night of feeling desperately sorry for myself. “I called you last night,” he continues. “Figured I’d give it a rest until this morning.”

  At first I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say, don’t want to rip back into my wounds.

  “Kate?”

  “I’m on my way to Beth’s,” I tell him with desperation. “I need to get ready, so—”

  “We need to talk about this.” His voice is firm, leaving me no outs.

  I can’t even seem to hang up on him. I’ll have to face him at one point or another, but I wish that didn’t have to be now. I wish it could be one more day, or a week, or a month before I’d have to face him again, before I’d have to hear him tell me all the words I’d pretty much put into his mouth.

  “I promised Beth I’d babysit… “ I say lamely, “and I’m working a shift at Forester’s this afternoon, so I’m not sure when we could even meet.”

  He sighs. “Could I maybe come over to Beth’s? I don’t want to be a dick, Kate, but we really do need to talk.”

  I can’t put him off. And maybe I’m being unfair and overly dramatic. Even if Garrett ends up saying some version of what Shawn and Lyle had, he at least deserves to be heard out.

  “Fine. Let me call her to make sure she still needs me, and if so, you could swing by around eleven maybe?”

  “I’ll be there,” he says. “And I love you.”

  You do? Still?

  “I love you too.” It’s a reflexive thing to say at this point, but that doesn’t take away any of the meaning.

  I shower and dress, pull my hair up into a ponytail and don’t add any makeup except for a light hit of mascara and lip-gloss. Through every movement, I wonder about Garrett and what he’ll have to say to me and wonder even more how I’ll react.

  Beth is the one apologizing to me, profusely, when I get to her house a few minutes before she has to leave for Pamela’s. She’s mortified at the things Lexi said while assuring me she made sure Lexi understood what she’d done. I’d nearly forgotten about her visit entirely, so consumed by what had gone on between me and Garrett, but she had been the precipitating factor in our fight. I don’t tell Beth that because I don’t want to make her feel even worse. And besides, the fight with Garrett was going to eventually happen one way or the other.

  “It’s not a big deal. I was just kind of shocked, but no worries,” I say.

  “Are you sure?” she asks, studying my expression like she’s looking for signs of untruth.

  “Yes,” I assure her, even laughing a little to convince her. “You better go. I’ll take care of the boys just fine.”


  She seems relieved at that, even if she doesn’t totally believe me, and then she’s gone. I feel relief at her absence before my stomach tightens up again at the prospect of my meeting with Garrett. But there is still plenty of time before eleven, so I pass it entertaining the boys and help them to finish that castle they’d started the other day. I teach them how to count all the way to one-hundred, go through their ABC’s, then finally get them settled down for a lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and sliced apples when Garrett arrives.

  “I’m a little early,” he says when I answer the door, his hands stuffed in his pockets and a wary look on his face.

  “It’s okay. I just got the boys settled.”

  But Nathan and Cord don’t stay settled for long at all because, after I’d let Garrett in and led him through the house, the boys run over to him and begin to climb his legs like he’s a tree.

  “Uncle Garrett!” they both call out. He’s not their uncle of course, but I guess that’s what Beth and Ben have told them to call him the times I know Ben has had Garrett over to watch games. And while not related by blood, he’s a natural with them, promising he’ll throw the tiny football they have around with them in the back if they’ll let him have a serious conversation with me first.

  “With Kate?” Nathan asks, looking from Garrett to me, then back up to Garrett.

  “That’s right,” Garrett says. “That okay with you, little guy?”

  “Just be nice to her,” Nathan tells him, giving me a giant smile.

  “I will, buddy.” Garrett is the one who settles them back down before I can, sitting them in front of their plates, telling them they have to eat to grow big and strong. And they do just what he asks, taking big bites of their sandwiches and big drinks from their juice cups, and focusing back on an Oscar the Grouch-centric episode of Sesame Street.

  “You’ll make an amazing father someday,” I tell him in the privacy of the kitchen, me leaning against the oven, him against one of the counters.

  He looks at the floor and clears his throat before bringing his eyes back up to mine. “I was kind of shocked about what you said to me yesterday.”

  “What part?” I’m sure I already know that, but I’d said plenty to him during our fight.

  He offers me a half smile. “The stuff about me being kind of a louse… well, I can handle that. But it busted my heart up when you said you couldn’t have kids. Can I ask why?”

  Talking about my diagnosis isn’t especially pleasant, mainly because saying the words out loud make it real. But I owe Garrett the truth, so I steel myself. “Dr. Cramer told me it was this thing called Müllerian agenesis, but the other doctors call it MRKH. That’s the acronym for this really long name that I don’t think I’ve said since I was fifteen. It’s one of those things that varies in severity, and I’m luckier than most, but the common thread is that I was born without a uterus… and I can’t have kids… obviously.”

  “I thought I heard about some lady that had a uterus transplant and was able to have a kid? Or was that even real?”

  “It was real,” I assure him, the story having been forwarded to me by both of my very well meaning sisters. “But I don’t want to do that, and besides, it’s beyond expensive.”

  He shrugs. “I’ve got money, Kate.”

  Something about him saying that pisses me off, an easy fix for a far more complicated problem. “Is it really not okay for me just to be the way I am? Is my worth based on me being able to pop out kids? I mean, it’s the twenty-first century, and—”

  “Hey, I’m sorry.” He rushes forward and pulls me into him, holding me close and kissing my forehead. “It was a dumb thing to say, okay?”

  “But you want kids,” I tell him quietly. “That’s what Shawn wanted, to pass along his DNA. And before him, there was Lyle… the naturalist.” I almost laugh thinking about the kinds of things he puts on the conveyer at Forester’s. Cheap beer and processed cheese is the furthest thing in the world from natural. “Sometimes I don’t even feel like a woman… like I’m incomplete, like I’m not good enough.”

  “You are,” he says, kissing my forehead again, “and I love you.”

  “But I might not be enough for you.” I look up into his eyes because Garrett can tell me he loves me all day long, but I’m not sure words are enough.

  He sighs. “I don’t want to be that guy, Kate. This Müllerian agenesis thing or MR… K…”

  “H.”

  “Yeah, well, whatever the name they give it, it’s something you were born with—it’s not your fault. What kind of dick would I be abandoning you when I’d chosen to do the stupid stuff in my past, stuff that could have made me infertile if I’d caught the wrong thing.”

  “But that didn’t happen,” I tell him, pulling away. “That’s just the truth of it. Dr. Cramer says you’re all good, so now you could be with someone that can give you what you want.”

  “But I want you.” He takes my hand. “Kate… I love you.”

  It’s really all I’ve ever wanted, for a man to know my secret and to still be able to tell me that. But it remains difficult for me to let myself believe it.

  “If you love me,” I say, feeling my chin start to wobble, “then you’ll give this a couple of days. You’ll think about it… long and hard. I don’t want you to just say yes to me now because it feels right in the moment and then break my heart when you come to a different conclusion. I want you to really think, to imagine your life without the kids that your family seems to think you’re already behind on producing.”

  “My family can be a lot,” he says, somewhere between a laugh and the beginnings of a cry, holding my hand tighter.

  “So can mine. But sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves.”

  He opens his mouth, like he wants to protest, but then thinks better of it.

  “Give it a few days, Garrett. If you still feel like the kind of future I can offer you is something you want to share with me, then we’ll move forward.” I tell him this because I have to, because I need to know he’s thought this out. But even if this is necessary, a huge part of me still wants him to tell me I’m nuts, that nothing could change his love for me and that he doesn’t need even one more second to make up his mind.

  “Okay,” he says quietly. “I’ll take some time and think about it, maybe do a little research. If that’s what you need, then that’s what I’ll give you.”

  “Thank you.” I say it without relief but with a fear that I could still lose him. Giving him this time is necessary, but it could backfire too.

  “Can I ask you something… uh… and you promise to not get mad at me?”

  “Of course. Only fair since I’ve asked you to make promises too.” It’s easy to agree to but a little harder to prepare for just what he might ask.

  He nods slightly, a thankful smile on his lips. “The bruises…” he begins, and I already feel myself stiffen. “I’ve seen them, and… well, did you do those to yourself because… because you think you deserve them or something?” His expression is slightly twisted up as though it pained him to ask.

  But I don’t feel pained. I am surprised and at a momentary loss for words, but I’m somehow impressed and maybe even touched that he’d noticed something like that about me, that he cares enough now to ask.

  “Kate?” Concern and kindness fill his eyes.

  “Yes,” I say and let out a pent up breath. “But I’ve stopped. It was a way to remind myself not to get my hopes up. It was stupid, but it helped in a way.”

  He pulls me close again and kisses me softly, lovingly, on my lips. “I can understand that. I think we all have ways… things we do to try to avoid truths. But I’m glad you’ve stopped.” He leans his forehead on mine, and it’s a peaceful moment, but one I sense won’t go on for too long. “Can you tell the little guys I’m giving them a rain check on throwing the ball around with them?” he asks, pulling away from me.

  “I’ll tell them.” I’m already out of his arms and leading hi
m toward the front door. I don’t want him to go, but I know he can’t stay.

  “We’ll talk in a couple days,” he assures me, giving me one last smile before he walks away and climbs into his truck.

  I do my best to smile and wave, but I can’t close the door fast enough. And then like an emotional wreck, I slide my body down the door, crying as quietly as I can until I’m a crumpled mess on the floor, letting myself have at least a few minutes of tears before I’ll have to wipe them away.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  GARRETT

  It seems like every thirty seconds or so on the drive back home, I want to turn back. It’s like my body is telling me to slam on the brakes, do a u-turn and drive as fast as I can back to Kate. So what if she can’t have kids? So fucking what? She’s the first girl I’ve ever loved in such a complete way and the first one that seems to really love me back.

  But that’s not what she wants me to do. She wants me to take time, days perhaps, to let her diagnosis sink in, for me to look at all of the possibilities and to not have any doubts about us. What she basically needs is a promise, an assurance that this thing won’t come back to haunt us someday.

  And so I keep driving, making my way through town, past Pamela’s where Beth is probably working a shift, by DeNero’s where Lexi might have stopped by yesterday to see her folks before telling Kate what a man-whore I was. Regardless of what I think of Lexi, I realize that she, like Beth, is a mother now. Paige is set to join them, her and Evan expecting their first kid. It wasn’t so long ago we were all in high school, and now all of them are parents or pretty damn close to it.

  And I’m happy for them. I’d never resented anyone for having kids because I figured I’d have them someday too. That had always seemed like a part of life, that you marry someone you hopefully love, and then you have a kid. I’d always pictured that, even pictured it with Kate. Growing older, I’d imagined having sons or daughters and throwing a football around with them, taking them fishing and camping like my dad used to do with me. Maybe they’d grow up loving the farm that I hope I’ll make a success of and want to take it over when I decide to finally hang things up.