by Tim Collins
I just asked Nigel about the graveyard and he said there aren’t any bodies there, they just built it so they’ve got somewhere to go and brood about the tragedy of immortality. They’re thinking of expanding it because it’s quite hard to find any brooding space on wet or misty days.
Got here just in time! It’s almost dark and we’re just pulling into Hirta’s bay to see the Lunar Wood Pack standing with their backs to the shore. Ryan’s marching up and down in front of them, giving them some sort of battle speech. The vampires are facing them about 200 metres away, and one of them is also ranting up front. Must be Vlad.
These vampires are much more like the ones you see on TV, with huge black capes, frilly white shirts and slicked-back hair. They certainly look a lot more stylish than the wolves in their shellsuits and tracksuits. Obviously our clothing options are limited to stretchy fabrics, but I’d be lying if I said my species was winning the style war. The vampires look like they’re dressed up for a private box in an opera house, whereas the wolves look like they’re about to go looting in Poundstretcher.
Behind the male vampires there’s a row of female ones wearing ancient ball gowns. Even though I’m a werewolf, I have to admit they look rather attractive. Maybe if I avert the war, one of them will let me snog them and… Woah! Wait a minute! I see what they did there. This is the seductive vampire beauty I’ve been warned about. I’ll have to make an effort not to look at any of the vampire women from now on.
Behind the female vampires I can see three young girls who can’t be more than ten or eleven. Surely even vampires aren’t diabolical enough to make young girls fight in battle?
I just asked Nigel and he said one of the girls is his younger sister. He said she’d thrown a huge tantrum when her parents said she wasn’t allowed to fight, and she’d ended up getting her own way as usual. He told me not to worry about it, though. She’s over ninety years old and more than capable of defending herself. Vampires are so mental.
Okay, it’s gone dark now: the battle can’t be far off. I’ve got my speech notes, my loudhailer and my Alliance of Peaceful Supernaturals placard. It’s time to get out there and increase the peace.
We marched out into the space between the armies. I waved to Ryan, who snarled with rage. Nigel waved at an older vampire, who shamefully buried his face in his hands. I’m guessing that was his dad.
Chloe turned on the loudhailer and announced that we were an alliance of vampires and werewolves and we were here to stop the battle. She said that unlike them, we wouldn’t use violence to put our point across. Instead, we’d use the peaceful art forms of poetry, song and speech. This caused everyone in Ryan’s pack to bark like someone had just stolen their Pedigree Chum. The vampires responded with loud hissing. It looked as though they were going to be a tough crowd.
Chloe handed Nigel the loudhailer and he read his poem:
While I thought the sentiment of Nigel’s poem was right, I think it’s unfortunate he used so many negative stereotypes. It’s simply untrue that werewolves live in kennels and have fleas, and if he’d checked his facts with me, I could have helped him deliver a more powerful piece.
The poem was greeted by silence from both sides, which I hoped was a sign of contemplation rather than embarrassment.
Next, Chloe picked up her acoustic guitar and performed her new protest song, ‘Children of the Bite’.
The words were:
‘Let’s join together in peace and love tonight
Supernatural fighting just isn’t right
Creatures of darkness, can’t you see the light?
Underneath it all we’re just children of the bite.’
Although Chloe’s voice hadn’t improved, I thought the song made a very good point. Both werewolves and vampires are created by bites, so shouldn’t we concentrate on our similarities rather than our differences?
Unfortunately most of the werewolves howled along as Chloe began to sing, and the message got a little lost.
Chloe passed the loudspeaker to me. I took my speech notes out of my pocket, aware that it was all down to me. I was the only one who could save the world from devastation.
I clearly my throat and began my speech:
‘This house believes that war between werewolves and vampires is wrong. By Luke Thorpe.
‘My name is Luke and I’m a werewolf. Although I’ve only been one for a couple of months I’ve learned a lot about our culture in that time, and it’s made me feel immensely proud of what I am.
‘But does that mean I have to dislike that other noble supernatural creature we share this planet with, the vampire? Of course it doesn’t. I can be proud of my species and respect yours too.
‘Do I find it unpleasant that you quaff human blood like it was Ribena? Of course I do.
‘Do I find it strange that you don’t sleep? Of course I do.
‘Does it freak me out that you’re technically not even alive? Of course it does.
‘But are any of these things reasons to hate you? Of course not.
‘The fact is there’s room for both of us on this planet. And when we meet, it doesn’t have to lead to violence.
‘Less than a week ago, I met Nigel here. It was the first time I’d ever met a vampire. I could have barked at him. He could have hissed at me. But instead, we found common ground. In our case, it was a racing game from the mid-nineties called Sega Rally and a machine where you had to hit plastic moles with a hammer, but that’s not important. The point is, we talked and we became friends.
‘So as you gather on this beautiful island under this bright moon, let me ask you this: Are we really so different? Under our fur and our pale skin are we not pretty much the same? Do we really want to fight each other when we could try to get along instead? Do we really want this war?’
As my speech built to its rousing climax, I was hoping that both sides would be moved to tears of remorse and rush to greet each other in friendly embrace. Unfortunately, when I asked, ‘Do we really want this war?’ both sides shouted: ‘Yes!’ I tried responding with, ‘Are we really sure about that?’ and they repeated: ‘Yes!’
It was at this point that the full moon made its first appearance of the night. As one, the Lunar Wood Pack hurled themselves to the floor as their pelts sprouted, their bones elongated and their muscles reformed.
When I turned to ask Chloe what we should try next, I saw that she was also writhing around on the floor and sprouting hairs. A minute later she was in wolf form. She stamped on her acoustic guitar, chewed the edge of her placard and rushed to join the rest of the Lunar Wood wolves. I felt like having a go at her for betraying her ideals, but I know what it’s like when you transform.
The wolves let out screeching howls from their side of the battlefield, and the vampires hissed back.
I suggested to Nigel that as the only remaining members of the peace movement, we should stage a sitin protest in the middle of the battlefield.
We sat down with our legs crossed and held up our placards. Then the two sides charged towards each other and we agreed that we might as well stage the sit-in protest on his dad’s boat where we were less likely to be stampeded.
I’m writing this from the cabin inside the boat. The battle is raging outside, so I suppose I should go out and have a look. But I can’t really abandon my sit-in protest here in this comfortable, safe boat. I don’t think that would be the right thing to do.
Saturday 9TH June
It’s now 3am and the battle is still going on. At first it sounded so fierce that I assumed everyone would be dead within minutes. But the howls, hisses and yelps didn’t let up, so after a couple of hours we went out to see what was going on.
The whole battlefield was a rapid blur of violence. It was really hard to take in at first, but after a while my eyes got used to the speed and I could see the wolves attacking with tail spins, high pounces and claw slashes, while the vampires countered with powerful slaps, swift punches and sweeping kicks.
If either side had
been fighting humans, the battle would have lasted about three seconds, but both sides were perfectly matched. After watching the mad frenzy for a few minutes it became apparent why vampire-werewolf battles go on for so long. Without wooden stakes and silver bullets, both creatures are virtually impossible to defeat. Werewolves have amazing strength and resilience, while vampires don’t feel pain and can heal very rapidly.
In theory, a werewolf has the strength to destroy a vampire by swiping its head off, which is what Ryan had been training me to do. But they’d have to catch the vampire unawares first. And given how quickly they can block attacks, the chances of that were low.
The only wolf who was really capable of surprising the vampires was Paul the werepoodle. His tactic was to trot around the battlefield looking cute and harmless, and then pounce up to their necks. He even managed to sink his teeth into the neck of an elderly vampire while I was watching him, but he was soon wrestled off and booted to the other side of the battlefield.
Every now and then, a wolf would manage to slice off a vampire’s arm, but it would just crawl back and heal itself on again. I even saw one of these severed arms deliberately trip up the wolf who had just sliced it off, which was rather cunning.
At one point, Richard sliced both a vampire’s arms off at once, but they still managed to heal themselves on again. Nigel said, ‘It’s just a flesh wound,’ and together we recited the Monty Python sketch about the knight who gets all his limbs chopped off. I was pleased he was a fan too.
Perhaps the most shocking attack of all came from Nigel’s little sister, Daisy. While her friends held one of the wolves down, she brushed its fur, tied pink ribbons along its back and covered its claws in red nail varnish.
It was hard to tell, but I think the wolf was Steve, the scaffolder we visited a couple of weeks ago. Poor Steve. I know he was really looking forward to the battle. I bet he didn’t expect to end up as the centrepiece of the My Little Werewolf grooming parlour.
It’s now 5am and the fighting has ended for the night. No wolves or vampires have been killed, but both sides are claiming victory.
You don’t get much darkness in summer this far north. The sun began to rise just before four and all the wolves transformed back. After that, Ryan led them all back to Richard’s fishing trawler to rest until tonight.
We found Chloe in the middle of the battlefield. She must have transformed in the middle of battling Nigel’s dad because she was making polite conversation with him. They obviously knew each other from when she was Nigel’s girlfriend. She asked him if he was enjoying life on the island and he said it was nice to be away from the stress of city life, but he missed having a decent-sized graveyard to brood in. He asked about her studies and she said they were fine. Then, after an awkward silence he said he ought to be getting back to the castle.
Before he went, he asked Nigel if he could give the poetry a rest tonight. I was going to suggest that he should encourage his son’s creativity, but I didn’t want to be confrontational so soon after the fighting had paused.
So now we’re back on the boat, and trying to work out what to do next. I’ve seen nothing to make me believe that tonight’s battle will be resolved one way or the other. Which means that at the end of the third battle, in just under two days’ time, Ryan will bring out his wooden stakes, Vlad will bring out his silver bullets, and our races will be plunged back into full-scale war.
Nigel wants to start our next brainstorming session right away. It’s all right for him; he doesn’t need to sleep.
My first suggestion was that I steal the wooden stakes from Ryan’s boat while Nigel steals Vlad’s gun and silver bullets from the castle. Then we march into the battlefield again and threaten to kill everyone unless they sign a peace treaty.
Chloe pointed out that if they refused, we’d have to go through with it. Then we’d be the ones responsible for restarting the war, which wouldn’t make us a very good peace movement.
She suggested that we steal the weapons and threaten to use them on each other instead. Nigel could hold the pistol up to my head while I hold the stake over his heart. Then if they refused to call off the battle, we could kill each other and become glorious martyrs to our cause. Nigel and I said we were both keen to explore other options.
I’ve just had an idea, but I’m not sure if it breaks supernatural law. Nigel’s gone to the castle library to fetch some books so we can find out.
Nigel came back with three dusty tomes about supernatural law, and we’re checking through them. The one I’m reading is mainly concerned with ways in which wolves and vampires have tried to get round the silver bullet and wooden stake rules. For example, there was a coven in Canada who claimed to be hunting moose when their silver bullets ricocheted off some antlers and killed a group of werewolves. And there was a pack in Sweden who claimed to be constructing a wooden fence around their compound when a passing group of vampires slipped and fell onto the poles heart-first. Neither of these groups got away with it, but I reckon I might have more luck with my scheme.
We’ve gone through all the books now, and we’re convinced that my plan doesn’t technically break any supernatural laws. So now we’re sailing to the town of Lochdale on the mainland to buy the materials we need. We’re going to have to miss tonight’s battle, but I’m sure it will end in stalemate again anyway. Tomorrow night’s showdown is the one we need to stop.
I thought Chloe might stay behind on the island, but she doesn’t want to take part in any more fighting, so we’ve brought her along. I’ve had to chain her to the back of the boat to restrain her during tonight’s transformation. This is going to be awkward.
Sunday 10TH June
I’d just drifted off to sleep for the first time in two days when the full moon rose and Chloe transformed and kicked up a massive fuss.
She immediately began to strain against her chains, rocking the little boat back and forth so violently that I thought it would capsize. Nigel told me to go out and control her, so I tried to calm her down by repeating some of the exercises from my relaxation course. This had no effect, so I tried singing her song ‘Children of the Bite’ in the hope that it would trigger off memories of her peace-loving human self.
This didn’t work either so I had to resort to turning myself into a wolf and slapping her across the face. Now she’s whimpering with fear and I’m feeling incredibly guilty, but at least the boat’s safe. Yes, I know it went against the principles of our non-violent organization. It’s not easy.
We now have everything we need and we’re on our way back to Hirta for tonight’s final showdown. We had to wait ages for the shops to open when we got to Lochdale, but I didn’t mind because it gave me a chance to phone Mum.
I told her I’d seen some lovely scenery (true), made a new friend (true) and kept away from trouble (massive lie). She asked if I was still getting on well with Chloe and I said I was. She said I should enjoy love now because it only gets more complicated as you get older. What, more complicated than having to shift into the form of a wolf to stop them destroying a boat? If that’s true, I don’t think I’ll bother with relationships at all.
Nigel’s holding his cargo inside the cabin, while we’re sitting out back with ours, along with all the rope and handcuffs. Nigel had to steal the latter from the local police station using his vampire speed, because the only ones they had in the shops were covered in pink fur. I feel a little guilty about this, but if they help us prevent war I’m sure it’s justified.
I apologized to Chloe for hitting her last night, but she didn’t remember anything so I pretended I was joking.
Okay, we’re pulling back into Hirta now. The vampires are back inside their castle while the wolves are sleeping in their trawler. It looks like the battle was particularly fierce last night, as there are lots of missing clumps of turf in the middle of the battlefield.
It’s now time to get out there and set everything up. If I never update this diary again it’s because my plan failed and I’m d
ead. Either that or I just lost interest in writing it like I did with my blog.
As soon as we got back on land, I lugged my shopping bags over to the far side of the battlefield and spread my haul evenly across the ground. First, I took out all the garlic cloves and crushed them into the soil. Then I sprinkled the whole area with granulated garlic and garlic seeds. I finished my preparation by emptying out all my tins of garlic and herb pasta sauce. I wasn’t sure if this would contribute much, but there was a 3-for-2 offer on it, so I thought I might as well get it.
I looked across at Nigel and he gave me the thumbs-up to indicate that he’d finished spreading all the wolfsbane on the other side of the field. Then I walked a really long way back to the boat to make sure I didn’t go anywhere near it.
Now we’re on the boat and waiting for the armies to gather. Chloe’s asked to be restrained on here again tonight, which is just as well. Even if we warned her about the trap, she’d forget when she turned wolf and run straight into it.
Just before midnight, the two armies gathered to face each other for a third and final time. Luke and Vlad both smirked silently in front of their armies, contemplating the destruction they were about to unleash.
A few minutes later, the clouds parted to reveal the full moon once again. The Lunar Wood Pack dropped to all fours and howled, while the vampires watched from the other side of the battlefield in disgust. Then the wolves were on their hind legs and ready to charge.