by Nancy Warren
– Jane Austen
“The Bahamas!” Linda cried, staring out at the mass of land ahead of them. The white sand beaches melted into turquoise seas. From out here on the cruise ship, the island looked green and inviting. “I can’t believe we’re in the Bahamas. I’m so excited.”
Toni was excited too. In fact, even Tiffany seemed pleased at the notion of setting foot on their first island stop.
Linda said, “Let’s grab a quick breakfast and then head straight over there. You know, the shopping is supposed to be fantastic. And it’s all duty free!” Linda had attended the shopping seminar and come away an evangelist for duty-free shopping. She was also, as she’d been quick to tell them, the proud owner of a VIP shopping card.
“We have to meet in the Caribbean dining room,” Toni said. She’d read up on their shore excursion in the daily newsletter. “We have to take tenders.”
“Tenders?”
“Those are smaller boats that will ferry us to land.”
When they got to the Caribbean dining room they discovered that when a large portion of three thousand passengers wanted to do the same thing at the same time, there would be a wait.
They were issued numbered tags as they entered, like at the deli, and directed to sit at round dining tables to wait. The tenders took one hundred people at a time. Toni figured there were a few hundred ahead of them.
A group at their table were discussing the shore excursion they’d booked to go scuba diving. “I wonder if we should have booked something,” Toni said.
“But we decided to check out the island on our own. This being the first stop and all. Personally, all I want to do is swim in the Caribbean and walk on the white, white sand.”
“And don’t forget shopping,” Tiff reminded her.
“Well, naturally. I have to look at the jewelry. And the watches.”
“This is going to be a very expensive cruise,” Tiffany teased her grandmother.
“Nonsense. I have willpower of iron.”
Toni’s lips twitched but she kept her mouth shut. Who didn’t love sparkly jewels? Well, Tiffany, but she was young yet.
Their number was soon called and, after double-checking that they had their cruise cards and ID so they could get back on the ship, they were allowed through. They made sure they had their wallets, plus water, sunglasses, sunscreen and their hats. They were already wearing their bathing suits under their shore clothes.
They followed the line down to level four and the gangway. Then they climbed aboard a smaller boat that would ferry them to the island.
Once there, they found themselves lining up once more. A gorgeous young man dressed as a pirate and a voluptuous young woman in a low-cut, colorful gown posed with each passenger in turn as the ship’s photographer snapped their photos.
“Well, isn’t this fun?” Linda said, swiping fresh lip gloss over her lips.
“You won’t get that picture without paying for it,” Tiffany warned her.
“So what? It will be fun to have a souvenir photo of all of us.”
When it was their turn the three of them posed and Toni thought her mama was right. It would be a fun souvenir. She was so happy they’d been able to cruise together, three generations of kick-ass women.
They headed down the dock and soon discovered that they weren’t going anywhere near the beaches, the white sand, or the azure water without going through the shopping area first. Huge signs announced Duty Free Shopping! in different sizes and with differing numbers of exclamation points. Along the route they were offered samples of rum and samples of rum cake. “Oh, my, that is delicious,” Linda said, chewing on the dark cake.
They were offered samples of perfume. “Would you just smell that?”
There seemed to be almost as many sales people offering to help you, show you something, treat you to an amazing bargain today only, as there were cruise ship passengers. Since their ship was one of three in port, it was crazy busy.
She felt like a young mother, terrified that Tiffany would wander off somewhere and she’d never find her. But Tiffany stuck pretty close to Toni. It was Linda she had to watch. Her mother acted like a wayward toddler, lured by every colorful, moving object she saw, and there were plenty.
Toni prevented her from buying a massive bottle of rum only by reminding her that they’d be coming back through this way and why carry a heavy burden for the rest of the day?
“Why don’t you just remind her that she hates rum?” Tiffany asked.
“Because your grandmother is in the throes of shopping fever. It robs her of all rationality and pretty much guarantees she’ll suffer buyer’s remorse when she gets her credit card bill.”
Tiffany turned pale and grabbed her mother’s arm. “It won’t be like that time she dragged us to Dollywood, will it?”
Even Toni felt a little light-headed as she recalled the experience of joining her mother in the Dollywood gift shop. Linda’s mantel over her electric fireplace and nearly every wall and surface in her mobile home were covered with the souvenirs of that trip. “No. Nothing will ever be that bad again.”
However, the best was saved for last. The diamond store, the watch store, and the emerald store sparkled ahead of them. “A whole store, for emeralds?” Tiffany asked in a stunned tone.
“I know!” Linda said. “Oh, isn’t that necklace absolutely darling? Errol, my personal shopping consultant, says all real emeralds have faults. They’re called inclusions. No. Something like that. Occlusions. But see what a lovely color that one is? And the way it’s surrounded by diamonds to bring out the color and quality of the stone? Toni, you should try it on.”
“Mama, it’s twenty-two thousand dollars.”
“But duty free!”
When they finally got out of the shopping arcade, with a solemn promise to Linda to leave plenty of time for shopping at the end of the day, they exited the air-conditioned stores into the balmy tropical air.
A steel band was playing somewhere nearby, and the immediate vicinity was given over to promoting excursions, or selling food or drink. A huge building with a thatched roof and palm trees out front announced Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville.
“Oh, look at that.” Linda had her camera out and was snapping photos like crazy.
Toni could imagine the entire shore excursion slipping away. “Let’s head to the beach and grab us some lounge chairs. I’m dying for a dip in the ocean.”
Linda snapped a few more photos.
“Sounds good to me,” said Tiffany.
“Oh, look,” Linda said, “there’s Dr. Madsen.”
Toni glanced behind her and sure enough, the doctor was striding down the road outside the shopping arcade. He was dressed in his uniform and carrying his medical bag. In the milling groups of vacationers he seemed like a man with a purpose and a destination. “I guess he treats passengers even if they get sick on land,” Linda mused.
“Did you just take his picture?”
“I want a photograph of the man who saved my life,” she said with dignity.
They found, when they got to the gorgeous white sand beach, that there were lounges set, row on row, just like on the cruise ship.
They swam in the warm tropical ocean, enjoyed a fresh seafood lunch, and then, with both of them chaperoning, allowed Linda back into the shopping center. Tiffany even got into the spirit of the thing, buying a new bikini that reminded Toni that she was blooming into a beautiful young woman.
Toni also splurged on a second bathing suit. “Because there is nothing worse than putting on a damp suit.” And Linda came away with a bulging bag of souvenirs. Luckily, they talked her out of the vat of rum, and the emerald case remained undisturbed by the end of their visit, which Toni considered a huge win.
They were back on board by three, and Toni said, “We’d better shower up and get ready, Mama—we’ve got our meeting at four o’clock.” She turned to her daughter. “How about you, honey? Will you find something to do?”
“Oh, sure. I
’ll probably get cleaned up and head for the pool.” Since her daughter had been surreptitiously checking the time on her phone for the past hour, Toni suspected she had some kind of appointment herself.
They showered, dressed, and got their full makeup on. Then they checked their supplies. Even though they hadn’t anticipated being called on to do the makeup for a wedding, Toni and Linda had taken seriously the Lady Bianca maxim to prepare for success. Toni had set foot on the Duchess of the Caribbean convinced that opportunity lay on board. She’d been right. Though, of course, she couldn’t have known what form that success would take. She and Linda were riding to the rescue to save a bride’s wedding day and who knew where that would lead?
They found Caitlyn’s suite and before they knocked, Toni turned to Linda. “You ready, Mama?”
“Let’s kill it,” Linda said.
She nodded and then knocked on the door.
It was opened by the redhead.
“Hi, y’all,” Toni said as she walked in carrying her makeup case, followed by her mother carrying an identical case. “Who’s ready to look gorgeous?”
To her relief, the bride was in a good mood and that had put all her bridesmaids in good moods, too. Half her work was done.
“This is my mama, Linda. We’re going to get started right away.” Normally, she began with an introduction speech, but her brief acquaintance with Caitlyn made her suspect that the bride would be impatient. She and Linda had strategized that they were better to go off script and get right to the makeovers. They’d drop in the information about the company, the benefits of the products, and the opportunities available as they were working.
Toni set up the bride at the small desk, which had a mirror, while Linda sat Lauren in one of the club chairs. They’d keep going until they’d made over all the girls.
Toni was accustomed to working in front of a group, so she talked nonstop as she worked. Linda was no slouch in the talking department either and, with the silent communication of women who are as close as a mother and daughter, they passed the invisible microphone back and forth flawlessly.
Of course, they didn’t want to bore the poor women, so they also made sure to engage them in conversation. “How did you decide on this cruise?” Toni asked.
Caitlyn answered. “I knew I wanted to get married on board a cruise ship. We were all checking them out online and with our travel agents, but Susanne came up with the best deal. You would not believe how inexpensive this trip is. Right, Susanne?”
Toni glanced over to find Susanne watching Linda show Allie how to apply eyeliner correctly.
“Earth to Susanne!”
Susanne jerked and looked up. “Sorry, I was daydreaming. What did you say?”
“I was telling her you got us a great deal.” Then Caitlyn laughed. “I bet I’ll totally be like that when I’m married. Someone will call ‘Mrs. Perkins,’ and I’ll totally be, like, what? You talking to me?” She laughed heartily and Susanne blushed and laughed along with her. “I was telling Toni what a great deal you got us.”
“Oh, yeah. I have a friend who had some pull.”
“Wonderful. Isn’t it great when you get a screaming good deal?” she said.
The mic passed invisibly to Linda, who said, “We won this cruise.” Pause.
“Really? How?” Rose obligingly asked.
“Toni won a cruise for two people because she is the top salesperson with Lady Bianca Cosmetics. You would not believe the prizes and incentives. We’ve won jewelry, cars, all kinds of things. It’s a company that truly empowers women.”
Pause as she passed the mic back to Toni.
“That’s right. Mama’s in the top tier for Texas, also. What are you working toward now, Mama?”
“I’ve got my eye on this darling little Prius. We get to make women look better and we make money.” She sighed. “I love my job.”
“You can win jewelry too, did I mention that?”
At the mention of jewelry, Toni saw Susanne finger a handsome emerald and diamond ring on her left ring finger. “Did you get that ring at the emerald store today?” If so, it had cost her a bundle, based on the size of the stone and the prices Toni had witnessed. Even duty free.
“No,” Susanne said, smiling down at the ring. Toni knew she’d guessed right. The woman was pleased to be asked. “It’s my engagement ring. I’m getting married too.”
“Congratulations.” Based on the condition of the ring, it was a very recent engagement.
“I know, right?” Caitlyn said. “I told her we should have a double wedding.”
And Toni completely understood anyone not wanting to have a double wedding with Caitlyn. She thought she’d rather remain single forever.
“Have you all known each other for long?” She imagined she’d hear the usual bride and her attendants stories about lifelong friendships.
Caitlyn said, “No. Not really. Well, Allie I’ve known forever, because she’s, like, my cousin, but the rest of the girls are newer friends.” She sighed. “I mean, there are girls I’ve known longer and a couple of them were pretty bummed not to be bridesmaids, but I have to think of my future.”
Toni had no idea what to say to that so she kept her mouth shut.
“I mean, I will be looking at the wedding photos for the rest of my life. And some of my girlfriends” She stared at her own reflection in the mirror as she spoke “They have really let themselves go.”
“You chose your bridesmaids for their looks?” Linda asked.
“Yeah. Doesn’t everybody? Rose I know from the gym. We work out together and she’s totally into fitness and looking good. Lauren and I work together and we both love shopping. And Susanne’s also at my gym. This girl Pilar, also from the gym, was supposed to be my fourth bridesmaid. She’s from Peru and has this gorgeous thick, black hair down to her waist. But she got sick. So I asked Susanne.”
Toni could easily imagine, if she’d discovered she was a bridesmaid to the bride from hell, that she’d suddenly fall sick too.
At the end of ninety minutes, after Caitlyn had experimented with three shades of eye contouring and insisted on going a darker shade of pink than Toni advised for her lips, Toni and Linda had officially been hired to do the makeup for Caitlyn’s wedding. They’d also heard more about the bride than they ever wanted to.
“Do you want to see the dress?” She spoke to Toni and Linda, but she still looked at herself in the mirror, turning this way and that, admiring her own beauty.
“Sure. We’d love to.”
Caitlyn remained where she was, studying her reflection in the mirror. “Allie?” she said, glancing up. “Can you go get my dress?”
“Oh, sure.” Allie jumped up and went to fetch the garment bag that Toni remembered from the first day. She also recollected Tiffany’s comment that the groomsmen’s T-shirts should read Doom Support and had to suppress a smile.
Allie carried the heavy bag into the center of the suite and Lauren helped her unzip and carefully remove the wedding dress.
The gown was gorgeous, with multiple tiers and a low bosom. Linda and Toni both raved. Caitlyn stared at the white layers of fabric, biting her lip. “I’ve eaten so much on board, I should try it on and make sure it still fits,” she announced. Toni saw the glances Lauren and Allie exchanged and suspected the bride had used multiple excuses to try on that gown. But Toni understood the impulse. She’d only officially wear the dress once. She wanted to play at being the bride, especially now that her makeup was wedding-day ready. Toni decided to help her out.
“It will also give you a chance to see if you like the color palette you’ll be wearing against the tone of the silk.” And hopefully common sense would prevail and she’d realize that pink was too bright.
With a determined nod, Caitlyn stood and stripped down to her underwear. She wore a lacy thong and bra set.
All the women gathered around like an experienced pit crew around a NASCAR stock car as it pulls in mid-race. Two of them held the dress and Lauren ca
refully unzipped the back, while Allie ran to the closet and emerged with white satin pumps and a silk bag. She carefully eased the bag over the bride’s head, clearly to protect the dress from soil from makeup or hair product, and then the women helped Caitlyn into the dress. Every breath in the room was held as Lauren zipped her up, but thankfully the dress seemed to fit.
Caitlyn removed the bag, stepped into her shoes, and then turned to the full-length mirror. She did look stunning and her satisfied expression suggested she knew it.
Toni and Linda were quick to gush over how lovely she looked as she turned this way and that, viewing herself in the mirror from every angle. “I better lay off the buffet for the next two days,” she announced. And then, “Oh, wait, I totally forgot.” And, running to her bureau, she pulled open the top drawer and rummaged through her underwear to emerge with a pair of gel-filled breast enlargement pads.
She motioned to Lauren, who unzipped the dress a few inches. She pushed the pads into the bodice and shifted things around until she was satisfied, then nodded at Lauren to zip her up again.
The result was that her newly plumped breasts all but spilled out of the low bodice, reminding Toni of the covers of the historical romance novels that Linda loved to read, where the demure duchess always seemed to be falling out of her gown under the heated glare of the rakish duke. But Caitlyn seemed happy and that made the rest of them happy.
When Toni and Linda left, they didn’t say a word until they were back in their own suite. Then they both collapsed on their beds. “Oh, my gosh. That girl should be on one of those reality shows about scary brides.”
“I know. And what about those poor, terrorized bridesmaids?”
“But, we got ourselves a nice little job and I can imagine at least a couple of lifetime customers. And maybe a sales rep or two. Who knows?”
Linda picked up the daily schedule of events and turned suddenly to Toni. “I know how we can celebrate.”
“How’s that, Mama?”
“It’s karaoke night tonight, that’s how. In the Orchid Lounge, where they had Bingo, so I even know how to find it.”