We drive to the mall once again. This time it’s nice to just have a girl to talk to. I have never had that. We talk about cute actors and who makes us drool. Our music preferences aren’t the same, but I pretty much like everything. Well, except country, I can’t do country. We buy me some sweaters that were just put out. “You will need these for winter. Okay, now onto why we are here. We need to get you some real bras. We will go over to the lingerie store.”
“I have never even thought of going in there. I mean, that stuff is really…..”
“Sexy,” Cassandra finishes. “Yes, I know that, but that is for the girl to feel pretty. You better not be showing your underwear to any guys. I think the boys would beat the crap out of him.”
I snort. “I doubt that Kent or Josh would do that. Jeremy, yes.”
“No, seriously, they are all about you. They had a blast the other day. It’s nice to have another girl around, let me tell you. I was surrounded by too much testosterone. We definitely needed more estrogen. Come on.” She ushers me to the lingerie store.
When we get in there, I just stop and look at her. “I have no idea what to do in here.”
“Well,” she starts. “What would you like? Something feminine? Something simple? Something sassy?”
“All three of those,” I retort, smiling.
She giggles. “Good answer, let’s go.”
We find me six bras. Cassandra reassures me that it is fine that I have sexy bras. It’s for me, not any guy. “I will feel awkward at first wearing these,” I say.
“A girl has to feel pretty, and I am sorry, I feel pretty with cute things on. We need to get you matching panties.”
“That is something I need, different underwear. I have never really worn anything that wasn’t in a package,” I sigh.
Grabbing yet another bra for me, Cassandra smiles, “We will get you enough to last you from laundry day to laundry day.”
“Good,” I reply. When we are done shopping for me, Cassandra starts looking around for herself, and my oh my, she buys some sassy stuff. “So, are you getting this stuff to wear for Kent?” I ask slowly.
Cassandra smirks at me. “Actually, no, I come from a religious family and I am still a virgin. I plan to stay that way until I am married. TRUST ME, I have a hard time staying that way, but I think it’s better to wait. I mean, we make out like crazy, but never anything beyond that.”
“So, it’s not bad that I feel that I should wait.”
“Who are you planning to sleep with?” Cassandra asks, a little wide eyed.
Waving my hands, I exclaim, “No one! Oh my gosh, no one! I have never even kissed anyone but Jeremy.”
Her jaw drops. “You kissed Jeremy?”
“More like he kissed me,” I reply quietly. “It’s not what you think. I had never kissed anyone and was talking about how I didn’t want to fumble around my first time and then he suddenly kissed me.”
“So, he was your first kiss!” Cassandra squeals. “That is so cute!”
I grimace. “Well, it’s not like my first kiss, first kiss. It’s not like it meant anything. The first time I didn’t even kiss back.”
“The first time? There was a second time?”
“Yeah,” I mumble, suddenly shy. “He wanted to see if I was a good kisser, or something along those lines.”
Clicking her tongue, Cassandra grins. “I will just keep my two cents to myself.”
“It’s not like that!” I yell. “Oh please, don’t tell Kent or Josh, or even let onto Jeremy that you know.”
“I won’t, don’t worry. When a girl tells a friend something, that friend better not repeat it to anyone else.”
With a breath of relief, I say, “Oh, thank you.”
“Let’s check out and see what the damage is,” Cassandra giggles. “Then we should get something to eat.”
“Actually, I have a paper I need to work on. Do you mind if we skip dinner?” I ask.
A snort comes out of Cassandra. “Man, I do not miss high school. Yeah, that’s fine. Let’s pay for this stuff.”
When we leave the store, I blush a little because I see some guys from school. I know they probably don’t know who I am, but I am a girl walking out of the lingerie store. It just makes me want to giggle.
A little while later, we pull up to my house. “Thank you,” I say, “I had a really good time. It’s nice to have a girl to do something with.”
“No problem,” Cassandra replies. “I had a good time, too. We need to get together for dinner sometime soon.”
“Definitely,” I retort, smiling broadly.
Getting a thoughtful look, Cassandra exclaims, “Oh! I want to see your art!”
“Next time my mom’s gone, I will invite you over. I don’t let anyone see her.”
“Alright, I won’t ask,” Cassandra laughs. “Well, have a good night girly.”
I nod, “You too.”
As I run up to my house, I feel a stiff breeze brush past me. I look up to see storm clouds start to roll in. Oh boy, it’s going to be cold tonight. Thankfully I am home now. I throw open the front door and hear my mom talking in the kitchen. Great. I sprint upstairs to put my stuff in my room. The less my mom sees the better.
I throw on a sweater to keep out the chill and go downstairs. Like it or not, I have to go in the kitchen and get something to eat. I turn the corner to see my mom and her “boyfriend” Howard sitting at the table. They of course have glasses of liquor in front of them, vodka to be exact. “Hey mom,” I mumble.
“Where have you been?” She snaps slightly.
“With my friend,” I reply, opening the fridge.
Obviously finding humor in my comment, she just laughs. “Suddenly you have a boyfriend and friends. What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” I sigh. “I just made some friends.” I grab a yogurt and some fruit and say, “I am going upstairs.”
“Bye,” my mom giggles.
Brushing past her, I run up to my room. Gosh, I hate her sometimes. She just has to show off in front of guys. Who cares that I am your daughter. Whatever. I slam my bedroom door close. Grumbling, I sit down on my bed and pull out my text book.
At least working on my paper keeps me sidetracked. A while later I get up to go to my desk. I am trying to find some note cards. I start going through my desk drawer when I hear my door open. “Go away mom,” I growl.
“I am not your mother.”
I spin around to see Howard standing in my doorway and my heart drops. “What are you doing?”
“I was trying to find the bathroom,” he replies slowly, just staring at me.
“Well this isn’t it,” I snap. “It’s across the hall. There is a bathroom downstairs, too. Now, please leave my room.”
He just smiles and walks farther into my room. My whole world stops in that moment. It’s one of those times when you know something bad is going to happen, something very, very bad. Howard turns and looks at my wall. “Pretty art, did you do it.”
“Leave my room!” I snarl.
Obviously ignoring me, he keeps walking along my wall. I slowly make my way in the opposite direction. My phone is on my bed. I just have to get to it. Howard comes to my closet and looks down at my bags. “Lingerie? What is a girl like you doing in a lingerie store?”
“Get out of my room!” I shout, now terrified. My hands are sweating and my body wants to freeze in place. I keep inching toward my bed. Probably not the best idea, but my door is too close to him. If I can just call out, I can get help. “Where is my mom?” I finally ask.
“She went to the liquor store…..so we are all alone in here.”
This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. Please God. “GET…..OUT…..OF….MY ROOM!” I scream.
And in a second a devilish look passes over Howard’s eyes and I know I am in trouble. I jump to my bed and grab my phone. I barely have it in my hands, before it’s knocked away. I scream at the top of my lungs. I feel Howard turn me around press me down on the
bed. “Hold still,” he hisses.
You never quite understand what that moment is going to be like, the moment where it is all going to end. I can barely breathe. All that can comes to mind is Kent telling me I need to learn to defend myself. That memory of me laughing it off screams in my head.
Howard puts his hand on my throat and holds me down on the bed. I try my best to claw at him, but the more I struggle, the tighter his grip gets. “Hold still you little bitch,” he growls. With his other hand, he starts to yank on my pants. I don’t even know what to do. I can’t scream, I can’t fight and I don’t want to die. Please God, help me.
He gets my pants undone and starts to pull them down. I can’t breathe. I try and just can’t. The world starts to darken around the edges. I can feel my pants coming down some. I only pray that I pass out before anything happens.
Suddenly, I hear, “What in the hell is going on here!?”
Spinning off of me, Howard says, “Nothing.”
I pull at the non-existent hands at my throat and gasp. My mom comes into my room. “I want to know what you were doing!?”
“Your daughter threw herself at me. She is a little tease.”
“Get out!” My mom yells.
That bastard gives me one last evil look and huffs, “Whatever, I don’t need either of you.” He walks forward and brushes against my mother.
“Mom,” I finally breathe after a few seconds, “Mom.”
With a venomous look, she goes, “Don’t mom me. Why did you have to go and do that?”
My heart shatters. “What?” I barely whisper.
“You think you are so hot now,” she spits out. “Look at me. Look how young I am. I got new hair and new clothes. I am so perfect. You couldn’t let me have one thing for myself! Just had to go and flaunt all your stuff.” My mom looks down at my bags. “And what is this? You wonder why he thought you were easy. Leaving lingerie bags lying around.”
“I didn’t do anything,” I cry. The tears finally start falling down my face. “Mom, I didn’t do anything. He just came in here.”
“Yeah right,” She snarls. “I bet you are sorry that I came in here. What would your boyfriend say, knowing you were throwing yourself at an older guy? Who would want you now? Who would want to touch you after you threw yourself at a guy like that? No one!”
Sitting up, I just shake from crying. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Shut up Isabelle. I am going to the bar. Go to bed. I don’t want to see your face.” She turns and slams the door behind her.
I fall off the bed and crumple onto the ground. My head falls into my hands and I want to disappear. My world is gone. Everything is gone. She is right. I have been so stupid. I did my hair, I dressed differently and look where it got me. Everyone will see me differently now. They will know. I need to leave. I need to get away from everything.
Scrambling across the floor, I grab my cell phone. Barely getting up, my legs feel wobbly. I pull up my pants and cry. I throw my phone, sketchbook and wallet into my backpack. My body is shaking from sobbing so hard. I almost fall over while I try to put my shoes on. Grabbing my hoodie, I head out the door. I leave my house, my life and my world.
Chapter 11
The sun has already set and it is cold outside. I bring my arms up and hold them against my body.
I walk and walk and walk. I have no idea where I am going. I actually have no idea where I am. I don’t care either. My heart is broken and I feel hollow inside, so utterly hollow. My mom’s words echo through my head. I constantly feel my throat, thinking his hands are still there.
Sometime later, the sky opens up and it starts raining, pouring to be exact. I don’t stop. I just keep going. Time passes. I don’t know how long. Sometime later, it stops raining. I don’t really notice. Finally, I come up to an intersection and a car is coming, so I stop. A gust of wind passes and I shiver again.
For some reason my eyes drift up the street. A lump instantly forms in my throat. Jeremy’s apartment is four houses down. I just stand at the corner and stare at it. Slowly I find myself walking up to the house. As I gaze up at his windows, I see a soft light coming from the kitchen. I stand there for a while, just looking up. Part of me wants to go knock on the door, but I know I can’t. He is just a friend, a new friend at that. This is too much to deal with. This is too much for me to deal with let alone anyone else.
Anyway, it will just scare him away. Jeremy would never see me the same way again. It’s too scary to deal with. I should know, I am living it. So, with a heavy sigh, I turn and walk down the street. I get half way down, when I see someone jog around the corner. I quickly dart down the alley. It is dark. I draw up my hood to hide my face.
A little while passes, and then I hear a distant, “Isabelle?”
My heart drops. I hunch my shoulders and hold my arms tighter to my body. Maybe, he will go away. Maybe, he won’t know it’s me. Seconds go by and I feel a wave of relief. Jeremy kept going.
Suddenly, I am spun around and I hear, “Isabelle!” I turn my head, so I don’t have to look at him. “Isabelle…what in the world are you doing?” I just turn my face farther away, because the tears are on the brink of pouring out. I actually have pain in my chest, I am holding everything in so tightly. “Izzy, what in the hell are you doing!? You are soaked.”
Then, it happens, a single tear rolls down my face. “Leave me alone,” I whisper. “Please.”
“Isabelle,” Jeremy sternly says, “What’s wrong?” I just shake my head, but more tears come. “Isabelle, what happened!? What’s wrong!?”
“I….I can’t,” I gasp, the pain in my chest building.
He shakes me a little bit. “Isabelle, damn it, talk to me! What’s wrong!?”
“I didn’t do anything,” I finally gasp, the tears now pouring out. “I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything.”
“What didn’t you do? Please, talk to me, you are scaring me. What happened?”
I finally look at him, and just start to cry. “I was in my room, and I was doing my homework.” As I say it, my body starts to shake. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know. He came in, and I didn’t know.”
Suddenly, Jeremy’s arms tighten on mine. “Who came in?”
“My mom’s boyfriend Howard. He came in, but I didn’t do anything. I swear, I didn’t do anything.”
“What happened!?” Jeremy finally yells in anger.
“He came in and I tried, I tried to get to my phone. I wanted to call for help, but he hit my hand. He hit it and my phone was just gone. Then, then….” I can’t even get anything else out. I just crumble to the ground.
Jeremy kneels down next to me, holding me up. “Isabelle, did he hurt you? Are you okay!?”
“He pushed me, he pushed me down on the bed.” I put my hand up to my throat. “He held me down and tried to get my pants off.”
“Dear lord, what happened!? Did he hurt you!?”
I shake my head. “My mom came in. He stopped.”
Wrapping his arms around me, Jeremy gasps, “Thank God. Did you call the police? What happened?”
My shoulders just shake with my crying. I put my face into his neck. “She blamed me.”
“What?” Jeremy snaps, almost in disbelief.
“She said it was my fault. Maybe it was.”
Pulling me hard against him, “It was NOT your fault. Don’t ever think that!”
I can’t help it, but my body starts shivering uncontrollably. “I am so cold,” I finally whisper.
He puts his hand on me cheek. Jeremy gasps, “Isabelle, you are like ice! How long have you been outside? You are soaked.”
“I don’t know,” I stutter, as my teeth start to chatter.
In one motion, Jeremy picks me up off the ground. I just lay my head on his chest. He carries me back to his house. I barely even notice. I am so cold and drained. Empty, that is all that I am, empty. When we get to his apartment, he opens the door and carries me into the house. “Can you stand?” He asks.
&nbs
p; My body just shudders. “I don’t know.”
With ease, he carries me into the bathroom. Carefully, he sets me on my feet. I stand there, but I can’t move. “You need to get warm. I am going to turn the shower on, okay?” I nod my head and he does as he says. When it gets hot, Jeremy starts the shower. “You need to get undressed,” he finally says. “Can you do that?” I can’t do anything but stare at the wall. “Isabelle,” he finally whispers, running his thumb down my face. “You need to get in the shower.”
“I know,” I whisper, ever so softly.
Sighing, Jeremy turns my head to him. “I am going to help you get your clothes off, okay?” I jerk and nod my head. He slides my backpack of my back and puts it on the floor. “We are going to start with your hoodie.” Slowly, he undoes the zipper and takes it off. “You doing alright?” He asks.
I just start to cry, “I didn’t do anything.”
“I know baby, I know. We need to get you warmed up though, okay?” He starts to pull my sweater up and I lift my arms to help him take it off. For some reason, this is comforting. You would think I would care, but I don’t. I am just so hollow. Ever so carefully, Jeremy helps me get undressed. Finally, he whispers, “We are going to leave your bra and stuff on. You can get in the shower with that, okay?”
“Yeah,” I whisper. He helps me over to the shower and I climb in. The hot water feels good. It helps with the shivering. I just stand there and let the water fall.
“Can I call Cassandra, Isabelle? Is that okay? You need a girl to help you.” I nod. Jeremy says, “Okay, just stay in the water.” He draws the curtain and I hear him walk out of the room.
Slowly, I lower myself down and sit on the shower floor. I put my head between my knees and cry. A while goes by. I don’t know how long. I hear Jeremy talking in the hallway. I hear a lot of yelling, and then what sounds to be his fist hitting the wall. It makes me jump a little.
A while later, I hear the door open. “Isabelle,” I hear a soft voice say. “Honey, its Cassandra.” As the curtain is drawn open, I look up. She is standing there, with Jeremy next to her. “Hey honey,” she says quietly. “Are you warm now?”
The Art of Life Page 18