I moved away from her and my heart sank. She suddenly looked different to me. She was so quiet and godly. No way could my mother have done such a thing.
“No, Mom,” I whispered.
She reached out for my hand and gripped my fingers.
“I’m so sorry. I just wanted our lives to go back to normal. I was tired of seeing you and your father argue, and I thought it was for the best. Now that I see the trouble I caused, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was so unlike anything my mother would do, but as a mother myself, I supposed I could see her way of thinking. Everything was a mess, and Mom and Jimmy were all I had. It was hard, but I had to forgive her. I couldn’t deny a person who’d asked for forgiveness, which was why I also had to forgive Finn.
I didn’t sleep that night as I snuggled in bed with my son. I held him close to me as I thought about our future and the last four years of my life. Things were hard, but I learned a lot about myself in those hard times. I learned how strong I could be when it was needed. I had to have faith that things would get better, and I had to have faith that Finn wouldn’t take my baby away from me if I revealed his existence.
It felt wrong not telling him, and a part of me knew that Finn would make a wonderful father. Jimmy was a great kid and he was really missing out by not knowing him. I had to do the right thing and pray that things would work out okay. By the time I fell asleep, I decided that I was going to tell Finn about Jimmy.
The next day, after I was done at the daycare, I went to the temp agency and told Mrs. Cooper that I couldn’t return back to work cleaning the condo. Thankfully, until I found something else, I still had the daycare, and Mrs. Karen, the daycare director, even promised to give me more hours.
I went to work the rest of that week still trying to figure out how to tell Finn about Jimmy. I knew it was wrong to run out on him without explanation, but I freaked out and went about it completely the wrong way.
That night, I watched some adult TV and saw parts of a Blow Hole concert. Finn looked amazing on stage. His voice had only gotten better since I’d last heard him sing. I watched and wished he was there singing sweetly to me the way he had when we were younger. I fell asleep with a dreamy smile on my face and thoughts of the past.
The following week, I finally got up the nerve to tell him, but when I got to his door, there was no one at the condo. I no longer had a key to get in, and if I did, I wouldn’t have gone in anyway. I left thinking that maybe fate had intervened. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to tell Finn. Maybe I should wait and spend some time with him first.
By the following week, I was already missing Finn, as if the last four years apart had never existed. I’d stop by every now and again, but no one was ever home. I just assumed they were out doing shows like they used to when I worked there.
Money from the daycare wasn’t great, but it was enough to keep my head above the bills. I was even able to pick up a few fun things at the grocery store for Jimmy when he asked for it, which wasn’t often since he never asked for anything. I was pretty sure I’d raised the best kid in the world.
One day after leaving the daycare with Jimmy, I rode by Finn’s place to see if maybe anyone was home. If so, then I could take Jimmy home to Mom and come back. Still, there was no one. I set off for home, feeling deflated and rundown. I’d finally gotten the nerve to tell Finn the truth, but he was never home.
When I got home, we ate dinner with Mom, and then I gave Jimmy a bath and dressed him in his thermal cartoon pajamas. Putting on his dinosaur movie, I left him in the bedroom with his new dinosaur mask. It was the newest thing I’d purchased for him with my most recent paycheck. There was nothing funnier than seeing a tiny three-year-old running around with cartoon pajamas and a big dinosaur mask. He loved it, though, and that was all that mattered to me.
While he was occupied, I took a long, hot shower and took the time to shave my legs. After getting dressed for bed, I ran the brush through my long hair and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Mom had already gone to bed so the only light left on in the apartment was the living room lamp.
I turned everything off in the kitchen and made my way into the living room to check the locks and turn off the lamp. I was about to turn it off when a knock on the door startled me.
It was late and we weren’t in a great neighborhood. Opening doors all willy-nilly around where we lived could get you killed. I peeked out the curtain, thinking I’d get a look at who it was, but I couldn’t get a good view. Finally, they moved and I saw Finn’s arm.
My heart started beating super fast. This wasn’t the way I wanted him to find out, and if Jimmy came out of his room, there was no way I could deny him. Not to mention, Jimmy looked just like Finn. He’d see him and know instantly that Jimmy was his son.
He knocked again, and instead of risking Jimmy hearing and coming out of the room, I quickly opened the door. Finn’s eyes moved from my head to my toes, and then he shyly smiled.
“I know it’s late, but I needed to see you,” he said.
I could tell it had taken a lot for him to admit that. He looked so incredibly handsome in his dark-wash jeans and black long-sleeved shirt. He leaned against the doorjamb and shattered me with his dimpled smile.
“We just got back in town. I missed you. Did you miss me at all?” he asked sweetly.
Did I ever…
“I did,” I whispered.
“Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?”
I wanted to. I wanted to so bad, but I couldn’t take that risk. Jimmy was just a few rooms away and still awake. I could hear him softly singing the music that was playing on his movie.
“Right now’s not really a good time,” I said.
His face dropped and he shook his head like he understood. He moved closer and ran a single finger down my cheek as if he were memorizing me.
“I’m too late,” he said sadly.
He looked as if he was on the verge of tears, and my heart broke for him.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re with someone else. I’m too late.”
It took a minute for his words to sink in, and when they did, I almost laughed out loud. He thought I was with someone else and that was so far from happening it wasn’t even funny. I’d never been with anyone but Finn. I hadn’t even been on a date with anyone else, much less lived with someone else.
“Does he treat you good?” He looked me straight in the eye with a crushed expression.
“There’s no one else, Finn.”
I smiled at the relief that moved across his expression.
“Then it’s me? Have you still not forgiven me?”
It bothered me that he even said it that way. I was the one that should’ve been asking for forgiveness. I was the one who was harboring a massive secret that could change his life forever.
“There’s nothing to forgive. Finn, can we talk tomorrow? There are things I want to talk to you about, but right now’s not a good time.”
My nerves were jumping around inside me. Any minute, Jimmy could come around the corner and any minute, things between Finn and me would go downhill just that quickly. He could take my son on the spot. He was freaking Jimmy Finn for God’s sake. He was a rock god as far as some people were concerned, and I was positive he was worth millions.
“Sure, do you want to…?”
He stopped talking when Jimmy jumped from behind me. He was wearing his dinosaur mask and growling at Finn playfully. His fingers were bent as he pretended he had massive claws and he pushed them out toward Finn as if he were about to claw him to death.
“I’m a scary dinosaur. You better run for your life!” He growled cutely.
My heart stopped as I stared down at my son and prayed he didn’t take off his mask.
I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around toward the bedroom.
“Sweetie, go back to bed please. I’ll be there in just a bit,” I said sternly.
<
br /> His shoulders slumped.
“But, but…” he whined.
“What did I say?” I asked sweetly.
The truth was I was about to lose it. My nerves had hit their breaking point and I was about to snap and slam the door in Finn’s face out of fear.
I could feel Finn’s eyes burning into the side of my face. Sweat began to gather above my brow and it felt like it was going to drip into my eyes and blind me.
“But, Mommy, I miss you,” Jimmy said sweetly.
“I miss you too, baby boy. I’ll be in there in just a minute okay?”
I felt like I was going to pass out. This was not happening. No way was this really happening.
“Okay!” Jimmy said happily as he ran back to our room.
A few seconds later, I heard the springs of my mattress when he began to jump up and down on the bed.
Finn looked down at me with hurt-filled blue eyes. His eyebrows pinched down in confusion.
“You have a son.” He stated the obvious.
Panic rolled through my body again, and I felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My throat felt so dry that I couldn’t swallow. I had to push out my words.
“I do,” I rasped. “He’s the only reason I’d ever scrub toilets.” I tried to lighten the situation.
It didn’t work.
Finn continued to stare back at me like I was a different person. His eyes moved across my face like I was a puzzle he was trying to figure out. The hurt in his eyes burned me and I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I could see the gears in his head working, and I waited for smoke to come from his ears.
I couldn’t take his scrutiny anymore. I needed him gone so I could breathe and have time to think things through. My life was about to take another massive shift, and I didn’t know if I could handle that right now.
“We’ll talk about it more tomorrow. I really need to get him to bed,” I said as I grabbed the knob on the door.
Finn was suspiciously quiet, and I was starting to worry. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped to swallow. Again, he reached out and fingered a piece of my hair.
“You know, I used to dream about having a family with you,” he said sadly. My heart broke when a salty tear slid down his cheek. My fingers ached to capture it and smooth it away. “But now I can see that you already have a family of your own. I’m so happy for you, Faith. I only wish I hadn’t been stupid enough to let you go.”
I had to tell him. I couldn’t do this to him anymore. He needed to know the truth. I opened my mouth to tell him to come in, but his face froze and turned three different colors before settling on a ghostly white. He was staring just beyond my shoulder as if the answers to all of life’s great mysteries resided in my living room.
I didn’t have to look back to know who he was staring at. I knew and I could only imagine the thoughts that were exploding his mind.
“Mommy, I broke my dinosaur mask,” Jimmy said behind me with a sniffle.
When I turned around, he was standing there without his mask, wearing a big frown. His blue eyes popped and in that moment, he’d never look more like his daddy.
I turned back around quickly and looked at Finn. He looked back at me with tears in his eyes.
“Faith? Is there anything you need to tell me?”
And then I broke down in tears. There was no going back. I had to fess up and have faith in Finn.
Twenty-Eight
Finn
I missed her. It had been weeks since she walked out of my life again, and I wanted her back. I didn’t care about anything else. I wanted Faith. I wanted a life with her. Nothing else mattered. I’d be a tied-down puss if it meant having her with me every day the way she should’ve been years before.
We played three shows and every show I played, all I could think about was getting back to California and talking to Faith. We needed to fix things. I didn’t know what she meant when she said, “Something like that,” but I needed to know what hell was going on and where we stood.
When I got back to the condo, I wasted no time calling Mrs. Cooper at the temp agency. She’d called and left me a voicemail telling me that we’d have to find a new maid since Faith had quit. I figured she would.
I wasn’t sure how I managed it, but somehow I talked Mrs. Cooper into giving me Faith’s address. I knew it was weird just popping up at her place unannounced, but a man in love did crazy things.
By the time I could leave, it was already dark out. Once I typed her address into my GPS, I was on my way. As I drove, I slowly made my way into the rough parts of town. It wasn’t anything new for me to be in the ghetto, but Faith had no business living in a place like that. If anything, I felt more comfortable in the rough parts. I was raised in the places like that. Faith, not so much.
I pulled up to a broken-down apartment building. Broken blinds hung in windows and dead plants littered the concrete stairs and paths to the apartment doors. Little kids ran around outside in diapers while their moms sat on cell phones and yelled at them from across the yard. It was way past any kids’ bedtime. It was crazy to see them running around outside in the dark.
The pool in the center of the courtyard was green with fast food trash and beer cans floating in the center. And the smell was a mix of raw sewage and unwashed ass. The place was a real shithole, and I was angry that Faith was living in such a place. She deserved so much more than this, and if I could, I was going to give her more—so much more.
When I found her apartment number, I tapped on the front door and waited. I heard someone fumbling with the blinds and then nothing. After a minute, I tapped again. It was then that the front door opened. Faith was standing there more beautiful than she’d ever been. Her long hair was wet from her shower and she had on the cutest pink-and-blue pajamas.
She was everything I ever wanted in my life, and I was there to make her mine, but something about her was off. She seemed nervous about something and that made me nervous.
When her son came out in a big blue dinosaur mask, I could hardly believe my eyes. Everything made sense in that moment. The crazy job, the no longer living with her father, everything. My heart broke in that moment as well when I realized that everything I wanted to do with Faith she’d already done with another man.
I wanted her to have my son. I wanted to buy a house together and do the whole domesticated thing. I wanted that more than anything, and my chance was gone. I was never going to get what I wanted, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to take it.
My entire life shifted when I saw her son without his mask. The boy looked familiar, like I’d seen him so many times in my dreams, but I was positive this was the first time I’d seen the child. He reached over and grabbed Faith’s hand and hid behind her hip. He stared up at me shyly before disappearing behind her completely.
I looked back up at Faith. Her face was covered in shock; her eyes wide as if I’d just caught her doing something wrong. She reached over and sheltered the boy by her side. Again, he peeked around at me and then his eyes caught mine. Baby blue irises stared back at me. Familiar eyes—eyes I’d seen every day for my entire life… my eyes.
“Finn, meet your son,” Faith said with tears in her eyes.
She sounded a million miles away, as if she were speaking through another universe. My mind fumbled over her words as I tried to figure out what she was saying. Nothing was registering. My eyes were glued to the boy who was staring back at me.
He had on thermal pajamas. His caramel-colored hair was a mess, as if he’d been running his fingers through it. He was tiny, so tiny that I could lift him with one hand and hold him in one arm. He was a stranger to me, but he was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life.
My mind was buzzing and I felt dizzy. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so dizzy. I was staring at the woman I loved and my son, and while I knew I should’ve been angry beyond words that I hadn’t been there from the start, I couldn’t help but feel so much happiness that my heart burn
ed, about to burst.
“My son?” I squeaked.
I reached out and grabbed the doorframe to keep myself from falling. A piece of jagged wood cut into my palm, but I felt nothing but the love that was filling my heart at a rapid pace.
My son stared up at me and then looked at Faith like he didn’t understand what was happening. I longed to pick him up and hold him close to me. I wanted nothing more than to squeeze him and never let him go.
“Yes. I didn’t want you to find out this way, but there’s no going back now. I’m sorry, Finn. I hope you can forgive me.”
I looked at her different now. She wasn’t just the girl I loved anymore; she was the mother of my child. Mother, a sainted creature who’d breathed life into the world, who’d breathed life into my son.
I closed my eyes and imagined what she must’ve looked like during her pregnancy. I envisioned her with a white flowing dress, her stomach protruding and full of life. Her hair catching the wind as she softly caressed her stomach and spoke sweetly to my baby within.
A heated tear leaked out of the corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek. Another followed close behind, and I knew I’d never be able to stop them.
“Jimmy, baby, please go in our room. Mommy will be there in a bit to tuck you in, okay?”
I smiled down at my son as he took off across the living room and down the hallway. His tiny feet smacked against the floor and warmed my heart.
“Finn, I know what you’re thinking, but please don’t freak out on me. I was going to tell you. I just didn’t know how. He’s all I have. The only thing I live for. Please don’t try to take him away from me.”
I stared back at her in confusion. I’d just gotten used to the fact that I had a child. Nothing she said was making it through my thick brain fog. I stared longingly toward the door the boy had run through.
“He’s beautiful,” I whispered.
She smiled softly and took my hand. It warmed my palm, so I linked our fingers together. When she pulled, I allowed her to guide me into her apartment. The door squeaked closed behind us before clicking into place.
Finding Faith Page 22