by Lucas Coon
“Dad,whyareyouOKwithgivingup?”Ciaraspokeup. “Mitchell’sdoingeverythinghecantomakeyouseethatyoucan’t quit,andyou’reshuttinghim down?Whyareyoudoingthat?”
“It’llbeOK,misterAlex!”Lillychimedintohelp.“You’resuper tough,likedaddy,andhecandoanything!”Thethreeofthem staredexpectantlyatAlex.Hereturnedtheirstareswithpainfilledeyes.Therewereseveralmomentswhereheabsorbedthe wordsthathewasbeinghitwithfrom alldirection.Maybethey wererightandhejustneededtokeeptrying,maybehecouldtry tobemoreoptimistic,andmaybehecoulddoanything.
“Let’sjustgo.I’m donewatchingthehouseburn.”Alex’s responsewasn’twhatanyofthem hadhoped.Heknew whatthey wanted,buthewasn’tabletogiveittothem.Theyallwantedhim tojoininontheiroptimisticofferingsbut,inhishead,there wasn’tashredofoptimism toshare.Theonlythinghewas feelingwasterror.Somethinginhisheadkeptscreamingathim tonotlethisguarddown;somethingkepttellinghim thatthe futurewasnotabrightplace.Heassumedhewasbeing paranoid,buthewascertainthatitwasn’tover.Therealityof AlexanderLangleywasn’tgoingtoendinsmoothsailing;itnever had,anditneverwould.Fornow,allhecoulddowaspush forwardandhopenothingelsewentwrong.
Thecarpushedforwardintothecircle,thenturneddownthe road.Ciarawatchedthefamiliarsceneryastheystarteddown thestreetwhereshehadgrownup.Thiswaslikelythelasttime shewasgoingtoseeanyofit.Shesmiledashereyesmeteachof thepointlessdetails,thethingsshehadtakenforgrantedand ignoredamilliontimesalreadyinherlife.Thehouseacrossthe streetfrom herownhadaplaysetinthebackyard;theyhada fouryearoldsonthatwasthecutestlittleboyshe’deverseen. Therewasonetimehehadpulledupadandelionfrom hisyard andgaveittoher.Shegavehim atighthugandhesaid somethinglike‘Now you’remygirlfriend.’Shelaughedathis commentandthankedhim fortheflower.Sherememberedtaking ithomeandpressingitintoabook.
Furtherdowntheroadtherewasasmallbrownhousethat wasownedbyhersecondgradeteacher.Sherememberedgoing withhermothertoagaragesaleatthehouseandgettingsome pointlessplasticdiary.Ithadabrokenlock,soitwasn’tasafe diary,butitwaswhatshewanted.Whentheywenttopayfor theirvariousitems,herteacherwalkedthroughthedoor.Her eyeslitup,shelovedherteacher.Itwasastrangemomentforher asshehadtofitherteacherintobeinganormalperson.She wasn’tsurewhatshethoughtprior,butshedidn’tthinkher teacherliveddownthestreetfrom her.Maybeshethoughtthey alllivedattheschool?Thatnotionprobablywould’vemadesense whenshewassixorseven.
Astheygottotheendoftheroad,theypassedasmallpark withapond.Shehadseveralbirthdaypartiesatthatpark.They wouldreservetheshelter,inviteallofherfriendsfrom school,get acakeandjusthaveagoodtime.Oneyeartheygotapinata, whichwasadisaster.SherememberedaboynamedJason cheatingwiththeblindfoldandsmashingitwithoneswing. Whenthecandyfell,heshovedpeopleoutofthewayand grabbedallofit,crammingitintohispockets.Sheremembered Jason’sdadlaughingaboutitall,andsherememberedAlex staringathim likehewasgoingtostranglehim forbeingalousy parent.CiaraneverinvitedJasontoanotherpartyafterthat; Jasonwasanass.
ThecarstoppedandMitchellhittheturnsignal.Hepaused, lookedbothways,thenturnedleftontoEverview.Astheypassed byWinstonAvenue,Ciarasaw thepreschoolshehadgonetoso longago.HermemoriesofgoingtoWinstonParkPreschoolwere fuzzy,butshecouldstillrecallsomeofit.Herbestfriendwasa littlegirl,Lindsey,thatwassweetascouldbe.SheandCiara wouldalwayssitwitheachotherandcolorpicturesofanimals, buttheywouldn’tusetherightcolors.Ciararememberedthat shewouldalwayshavetocorrectLindseyonhow tosayher name.Shewouldalwayspronounceitlikesierra,anditwasso frustratingtoherfour-year-oldself.Despitethis,sheloved spendingtimewithLindseyatthelittleschoolhouse.Then,one day,Lindseydidn’tcomein.Sheremainedabsentfortherestof theschoolyear,Ciaraneversaw heragain.Heryoungmind couldn’tunderstandwhathadhappened;shewasthere,thenshe wasn’t.Sheknew now whatthatwaslike,butbackthenitwas impossibleforhertogetit.Whenshehadaskedherparents aboutwhathappenedtoLindsey,theywouldjusttellherthatshe wasn’taroundanymore.Shedidn’tunderstand.Shemissedbeing soinnocent;Lindsey’sstoryendedasaterrifyingreminderofhow sickeningpeoplecanbe.Shewastakenbyastrangeroneday, thenewsranthestory,theyputoutthealertsandmostofthe citywasonlockdown.Beingfouratthetime,shehadnoidea anythinghadhappened.Sheonlyfoundoutlaterinlifebecause hermotherdrunkenlyexplainedhow shewaskidnappedand thattheyfoundherbodyafew weekslater.Therewereother details,butthinkingaboutthem madeCiarafeelsick.
ThentheypassedanotherspotthatCiararecognized;it seemedlikenothingspecial,butsomethingaboutitwasfamiliar. Itwasafairlyboringpartoftheroad,thesideoftheroadwas crackedandpartiallyfallingapart,therewasnorailingtoblock thefairlysteephillontheside,therewereafew treesthatwere growingofftotheside.Shekeptherfocusonthehillandstared atsomethingthatwasoutofplace;thereweretreesthatwere damaged.Therewasaclearpathfrom thetoptothebottom of thehillthatappearedasifsomethinglargehadpusheditsway throughthebrushandthensuddenlystopped.Somethingabout thewayitlookedwaspainful,somethingaboutitwastriggeringa feelingofdreadandconfusion.Somethingaboutitwascausing herhearttoraceandhermindtoflyintoaninternalizedpanic attack.Itwasthenthatherspeedingheartmetwithherfrenzied mindandthetruthbecameapparent.Theblankspaceinher memoryfilledwiththeinformationtheyhadbeensoquickto discardbefore.
“Whydoyouanddadfightlikethat,mom?”Ciarastaredather cellphone,thenoutthewindshield.“Iknow youguysdon’tget alongverywell,butit’snotrighttosayyou’regoingtokilleach other.”
“Youdon’tknow abouthalfthethingsIgothroughwithyour father,Ciara.Heputsmethroughhell.”Holly’svoicewasdirect. “He’sluckyIhaven’tfollowedthroughonmythreats.”
“Mom,that’snotfair!”Ciarashookherhead.“Daddoesn’t meantohurtyou!Helovesyou!” “Doeshe?”Hollylaughed.“Doyouthinkhereallylovesme?He runsaroundwithhisgirlfriend,doesn’thardlycomehomeandhe argueswithmeallthetime.Ifhereallylovedme,hell,ifhereally lovedeitherofus,he’dcomehomeandstopdoingwhathe’s doing.”
“You’rewrong.Helovesbothofus.”Ciarawasgrowingvisibly frustratedwithhermother’scomments. “No,Ciara,you’rewrong.”Hollylookedoveratherdaughteras thecarcametoastop.“Alexdoeseverythinghecantomakemy lifealivinghell.IwishIcoulddosomethingtomakeyouseewhat Isee.Yourperspectivewouldchangeinaninstantifyouknew everythingAlexhasdone,how manytimeshe’sputmeonthe vergeofendingitall.There’snotadaythatgoesbythatIdon’t considerthepossibility,butIstopbecauseofyou.You’retheonly thingthatkeepsmegoing,you’retheonlypersoninthisworldthat Iloveandcarefor.You’retheonlyreasonI’m alivetothisday, Ciara.”
“Pleasestop,mom.Youdon’tmeanit.”Ciara’sangerwasfading intosadness.Atherage,Ciarahadneverconsiderednothaving eitherofherparents,muchlessthepossibilityoflosingoneof them tosuicide.“Youwouldn’tdothattodad!”
“Oh,Iwould.”Hollysmirkedslightlyasshestaredoutthe windshield.Herstarewascutshortbythesoundofavehiclehorn honkingbehindher.Sherolleddownthewindow andwavedthem around.“Iwould,Ciara.Iwouldhappilydoanythingthatwould makehislifepainful.Idon’twanttohurtyou,buthim…”Sheheld hercontemplativesmirk.“IfIcouldmakehim regretwakingup everysingledayofhislife,makehim contemplatewhetherornot heshouldbothergettingoutofbed,Iwould.Iwouldlovetoknow thatItookeverythingfrom him,thatItookhisreasonforliving,just likehetookmine.”SheglancedoveratCiara.“AlexanderLangley wastheworstthingtoeverhappentome.IfIcouldgobackand stopmyselffrom evermeetinghim or,evenbetter,justgobackand takehim outofthepictureentirelysohecouldn’thurtanyoneelse, Iwouldn’teventhinkaboutit.TheonlythingIwouldregretisthatI wouldn’tbeabletoseehisfacewhenhegetsthecall.Iwouldn’tbe abletoseehispatheticreactionwhenthecontrolistakenfrom his hands.IfIcouldonlyknow whatwentthroughhismindevery morningasheopenedhiseyesonlytorealizehislifeisn’tworth living…”Holly’swordsechoedintoCiara’sears.Thesewerethe wordsofsomeonethathadclearlylosttheirmind.Thethingsthat werebeingsaidwerevoidofanysanity;Hollyhadlongbeenlost inherownhead.TheonethingthatmadeitworseforCiarawas thefactthatsheknew hermotherwasbeingcompletelyserious. Shewantedtoconvinceherselfthathermotherwassimply venting,thatshewasmakingclaimsthatwereexaggeratedjustto makeherselffeelbetter,buttherewassomethinginhertone,in herexpression,andintheemphasisofherwordsthatwouldn’t allow it.SomethingaboutthewayHollywasexpressingher desirestoldCiarathatshewasasseriousasshe’deverbeen.
“Ciara…”Holly’sangertaperedandatoneofsadnesscoated hersentence.“Ciara,Iloveyou.Despitehow Ifeelaboutyour father,Iwillalwaysloveyou.YouarethebestdaughterIcould haveeveraskedfor.Youarebeautiful,intelligent,politeandare absolutelyperfecttome.Thereisnothin
gaboutyouIwould change…”Shepausedagain.“…exceptthefactthathe’spartof you.Ifitweren’tforthefactthathewasyourfather,thathewas halfofthereasonyouexisted;Iwouldbeabletosaythatthere wasnothingaboutyouthatwasimperfect.”
“Whatareyousaying?”Ciara’sfrustrationandconfusionwere gettingthebestofher.“Iloveyoutoo,mom,butIdon’tunderstand whatyou’retryingtotellme!”
“I’m tryingtotellyouthatI’m sorry!” “It’sOK.I’m notmadatyouoranything.You’reupsetand you’rejustlettingitallout;Igetit.”CiarasmiledatHollythrough herconfusedstare.“Ithinkweneedtoworkafew problemsout, butit’sfine,mom!”Ciarastaredathermotherwiththesmileon herface,allshewantedwastogettoschoolandmoveon.“Ithink youandIshouldgodosomethingtonight,maybewecouldgosee movie.Wouldthathelpany?”
“I’m notsorryforwhatI’m saying.”Holly’seyesglossedoveras sheheldbacktears.“I’m confessingthisalltoyouforareason. Youneedtoknow allthis.Youneedtoknow whatisgoingthrough myheadrightnow.”
“Then…”Ciara’ssmilefaded.“Thenwhatareyousorryfor, mom?” Hollystaredthroughthewindshieldattheroadaheadofher.It wasafairlyboringpartoftheroad;thepavementwascracking andsplittingawayinsmallpieces.Therewerenorailingstoblock thecarsfrom goingoff theside;anoversightthatthecityhad ignoredforawhile,andwasmorethanwillingtoignoreformany yearstocome.ThesituationandtimingfeltperfecttoHolly.Maybe somethinginhermindhadtaggedthisareaforthefuture,maybe hersubconscioushadmadenoteofitandtoldherthatitwasthe perfectspot.Maybethesituationwascausedbysomesortof divineinterventionandthiswassupposedtohappenaswritten intosomeallknowingplan.Maybethiswassimplyfate,orthetwo ofthem werenothingmorethanvictimsofcircumstance.Holly didn’tcareaboutwhy.Shepressedherfootonthepedaland closedhereyes.Sheslammedthepedaltothefloorandheardthe enginestrugglingtokeepupwiththedriversintent.Thewheels spunandscreechedastheyshovedthecarforward.Herhands grippedthesteeringwheelashardtheycouldandshepulleditto theleft.Thefeelingofthevehicleleavingthegroundwaseuphoric toHolly,therewasnopossibilityofundoingwhatshehaddone, andtherewasnoreasontoregretitnow thatithadbeensetinto motion.Sheclosedhereyesanddidtheonlythingthatwasleftto do;waitforthesituationtodoitsworst.
“Youguyswereincrediblyunlucky.Losingpowerattheoffice, dealingwiththatpsychoattheradiostation,thenutjobatthe hospital,gettingtothehotelafterthemilitaryleft.Whatgoddid youpissoff,Mitchell?”Alexsmirkedathisjoke.“Oh,sorry,I shouldwatchmylanguagearoundthetwolovelyladiesinthe backseat,shouldn’tI?”Heglancedupatthemirrorandbackat thetwogirls.
“Youshouldn’tsaybadwordslikethat,misterAlex.”Lilly reprimandedhim.“Mommysaysthattherearealwaysthingsyou cansayinsteadofbadwordsandthattherearenoexcusesfor dirtylanguage.”
“Wellthen…”AlexlookedovertoCiara.“Doyouwanttoknock medownapegaswell,Ciara?”Henoticedthathisdaughter’s eyeswerefillingwithtearsandshewasbitingherlip.“Ciara?” Shewasunresponsivetohiscomment.“Hey,Ciara!AreyouOK?” Heturnedandlookedbackather,shecontinuedtostareoffinto theemptyspacebetweenherandhisseat,butwasn’tresponding tohim atall.“Hey,Lilly,couldyounudgeher?”Lillynoddedand shookCiara’sshoulder.
“Hey,Ciara,misterAlexistalkingtoyou!”Lilly’sshaking causedCiaratosnapbackintothecurrentmoment.Sheblinked repeatedlyandshookherhead.“AreyougoingtobeOK,Ciara?” Thelightwhisperofthechildbesideherwasenoughtocause Ciaratoseethatshewasn’tactingnormal.
“I’m fine.Thankyou,Lilly.”Shetookadeepbreathin.“I’m sorry,whatwasthatyousaid,dad?”
“No,don’tworryaboutthat;what’swrong?”Alexstaredather. “Iwasjust….”Ciarawasn’tsureofhow tophrasewhathad happened.“…thinking.”
“Aboutwhat?Youwerecompletelyseparatedfrom realitythere forseveralminutes.”
“Itwas…”Ciaraonceagainpaused.Shewasn’tsureifshe shouldgothroughwithtellingherfatherwhatwasgoingonin herhead.Whentheywereinthehospitalandheaskedherwhat sheremembered,heseemedtopreferthatshecouldn’tremember anythingabouttheaccident.Ifshetoldhim whathermotherhad said,thatshehaddoneitonpurpose,whatwouldthatdoto him?Woulditgivehermotherwhatshehadwanted?Would knowingwhathappenedcauseAlextohavethatfeelingofdread everymorningwhenhewokeup?Wouldheopenhiseyesevery morningandregretthathisownactionshadkilledHollyand injuredherpermanently?
“Ciara…?”Alexsaidhernameagain.Somethingwasclearly concerningher.
“Itwasnothingimportant.”Shecouldn’tbringherselftoput thosethoughtsintoAlex’shead.Nothinghehaddonewas enoughtodeservethatkindofpain.Herfatherwasagood person.Evenconsideringeverythingbadhehaddone,hehad donesomuchmoregoodandgivensomuchmoretokeepthem happy.“Honestly,dad,itwasnothingimportant.I’m juststill kindoffreakingoutaboutallthis.”
“Aboutthehouse?”Alexwasn’tsatisfiedwithherresponse.
“No.”Ciarasighed.“Well,yeah,thehouseandallthis. Everything.”ShesmirkedatAlex.“Iloveyou,dad.”
“Iloveyoutoo,Ciara…”Alexstaredather.“Wheredidthat com–” “Ijustwantyoutoknow thatIappreciateallyou’vedonefor me,bothbeforeallthis,andafterthisallstarted.Thattalkwe hadawhilebackaboutwhatyoudidandhow youleftthe militarybecauseofme;Ireallyappreciateit.”
“Iwas…”Alexshookhishead.“No,youknow what,I’m not goingtopushthatanyfurther.Youhaveyourreasons.”He smirked.“You’rewelcome,Ciara.ItoldyouIwouldtellyou anything,I’llbecompletelyhonestwithyou.”
“ArewereallygoingtogotoAlaska?”Ciarasmiledathim and chuckled.Shewantednothingmorethantomakethesituation lighthearted.
“Hellyeahweare!”Alexansweredwithsomemuchneeded enthusiasm.“Nohalf-measures!Irefusetogiveanythingless thanafullhundredpercent!”Hesmackedhishandsonthedash. “IfonlyMitchellwouldquitstoppingatallthesigns,stopusing theturnsignalandignorethedamnspeedlimit!”
“Hey!”Mitchellcutintotheconversation.“I’m sorrythatI’m a law abidingcitizenofthislovelylittlecity!” “Mitchell,therearenopoliceleftinthistown.Youwillnotget pulledover,thereisnoonelefttoevenpullyouover!Doyou thinkthataninfectedisgoingtostealacopcarandfollow you untilyoubreakalaw?”
“Maybe!”MitchellprotestedAlex’scomment.“Youhaveno idea!Maybethat’swhatthey’rewaitingfor.TheminuteIdon’t stopatasign,orgofiveoverthelimit,they’regoingtojumpout withtheirsirensandlightsandattackus.”
“Andyouwouldstopforthem?”Alexcouldn’thelpbutlaugh. “That’snotthepoint!Idon’twantmyinsurancetogoup becauseIgotaticket!” “Mitchell,youaresomethingelse.”Alexburstintolaughter.“I loveyou,man.”Mitchellhuffedandstaredangrilyoutthe window.“I’m goingtobeupsetwhenwegoourseparateways.”
“Ithasbeennicetohavesomeoneelsearound,eventhough wehaven’ttalkedmuch.”CiarasmiledforwardatMitchell. “Thankyou,Mitchell.”SheturnedtolookatLilly.“Andthank you,Lilly!You’resuchasweetheart.”
“You’rewelcome,Ciara!”LillyshinedherbrightgrinatCiara. “You’reasweethearttoo!”Ciaraknew thatLillywasjustrepeating thecompliment,butitwasstillnicetohear.
“Yeah,Mitchell.”AlexputhishandonMitchell’sshoulderas theymadeafinalturndowntheroadinfrontofthehospital.“I oweyoumorethanyouknow,man.Yousavedusinmoreways thanyouknow.”
“Comeon,now.”Mitchellpulledhisarm awayfrom Alex. “Don’ttreatthislikewe’llneverseeeachotheragain.” Mitchellpressedlightlyontheacceleratorandcontinueda slowedpacedowntheentryroadtothehospital.Thiswas anotherplacethatheneverwantedtocomebackto.Thevehicle passedbytheoutsidelawnthatwaslitteredwithbodies,thenit continuedaroundabendthatledthem paralleltoaglass hallway.Mitchellshudderedatthememory.
“Youalright,Mitchell?”Alexaskedhisquestionashiseyes dartedbetweenvariousobjectsinthebackground;hewantedto bepreparedforanything.
“I’vebeenbetter.”Mitchell’sstarefocusedonthehallway. “JusthavingsomementalflashbacksofthingsIwouldbehappy toneverthinkaboutagain.”
“Am Iallowedtoask?Iknow yousaidyouguyswerehere already,butyoudidn’tgiveanydetails.”
“Doyourememberthat…”Mitchellstoppedandlookedback atLilly.Shereturnedhisstarewithabiggrin.“Uh… Personthat wasdoingbadthingstopeople?”
“Oh,theonethatwasinf–” “Yeah,thatone.Pleasedon’tsayit.”Mitchellnoddedtothe backseattowardLilly.“Somepeoplearen’tawareofthat happening,yet.”
“Myapologies;Iforgot.”Alexpulledback.“Won’thappen again.”
“Thatallhappenedhere.”Mitchellstoppedthevehicle.“In fact,thatspecificthingthathappene
d,ithappenedinthat hallway.Me,thosetwo,andMadisonwerestandinginthere–”
“Wait,MadisonRafferty?DoctorRafferty?”Alexstopped Mitchell.“Shewas,uh,withyouguyswhenthathappened?What happeneddidshe…”Alexwasstrugglingtojugglehiswordsina mannerthatwasappropriatefortheoccupantsofthevehicle. “Didshechange?”
“Shenevergotthechanceto.”Mitchellfrowned.“Shekindof lostitandendedupgettingshotbytheguardofthepersonthat infectedus.”MitchellmetAlex’seyes;hewasvisiblyupsetbythis. “I’m guessingyouknew Madison?”
“ShewasCiara’sdoctor.”Alexstareddowntowardthefloor. “Shewasagoodperson.” “Shewas,forsure.”Mitchellturnedhisheadtolookforward. “Anyway,that’swhereithappened.It’swhereeverythingthatwe hadtriedtodocametoaheadandreallyfellapart.Whereour structuredplansbecameustryingtosurviveforanotherfew minutes.”Mitchellletgoofthebrake;thevehiclestartedrolling forward.“Intheend,LillyandImadeitout.That’sthemost importantpartofthis.Everythingthattookplaceherecan becomenothingmorethanasickeningmemory.”Heshiftedhis footbacktothegaspedal.“Yousaidyouparkedinthegarage, right?Doyourememberwhichfloor?”
“Irememberitwasreallybusy,somostoftheparkingspots werefull.”Alexattemptedtorememberhisactionsthatmorning. “IrememberalmosthittingacoupleofpeopleasIentered.”He staredattheparkingstructurefrom wheretheywere.“Ithinkit wasthethirdfloor.Ihadtoridetheelevatordowntogetintothe mainlobby,Irememberthat.”
“Iguesswecouldalwaysdrivearoundthethirdfloortoseeif it’sthere.”Mitchellofferedthisoption.“I’m notseeingany infected,wewouldjustneedtobecareful.”Heacceleratedupto theentranceoftheparkinggarageandpasttheshatteredgate arm.Thesplinterswerescatteredinalldirections;offtotheside therewasaplasticbumper.Itwasamusingthatsomeonehad donethesamethingherethatDarrenhaddoneatthehotel. Destructionseemedtobeacommonideaforsurvivors,atleast whenitcametogettingawayfrom everythingelse.
“Damn,someonewasinahurry.”Alexchuckled.“Don’tblame them;payingforparkingwouldbethelastthingonmymind.” “Idon’tgetwhyahospitalhadpaidparkinganyway.”Mitchell shookhisheadandstaredforward.