by Gigi Aceves
An hour before the sun rises, I’m awake with LT preparing everything we need. I’m trying to psych myself against Roxy’s backlash since her target seems to be me. Can I blame her, though? Probably not. If she’ll just sit and be calm for a second, she’ll see it my way. There’s just no other way…no other road to take. She’s mine, and I’m hers. I’m completely hers, body and soul, every inch of me, every cell in my body, and every fiber of my being belongs solely to her.
LT sneaks up behind me. “Ready for this, bro?”
I shrug my shoulders, not knowing what to say. My hands are itching to touch her, to hold her. Fuck! I don’t think I can last being around her and not being inside her. My body aches for her…she’s like a candle that burns inside me. Watching as the fire sways from one side to the other is hypnotizing, and that’s what she does to my soul. She hypnotizes me…her presences cradles me and rocks me to oblivion. I scrub my face with my hand, hoping for the best.
“She’ll come around, Ace,” LT says.
I notice he uses my nickname from the Corps. It’s his way of centering me. Reminding me we have something far more important to deal with than my love life, which at the moment is in the shitter.
LT’s eyes never leave my face, and it’s taking everything in me not to yell at him. Better yet, not to yell at myself. If only I didn’t agree…If only I pushed harder for another plan, I wouldn’t be…we wouldn’t be in this predicament.
I let out a long sigh. “I can’t stand not being able to touch her. I’d rather we were miles apart where I can’t see her, but this, fuck! This is fucking torture, man. I’m gonna lose my shit. Tell me this is gonna get better, because I don’t know how my heart can stand this.”
LT clasps my shoulder. “Cody, I get it. I know you love her deeply, and for that, I thank you. I couldn’t have picked anyone better, who will give his life for hers willingly without blinking, but you. However, right now, lock that shit up. You have to deal with it later. The pressing issue here is her safety, and everyone else’s. If your mind isn’t clear, you’ll miss something you should’ve noticed. You know how this shit works. She comes first, before you. Square yourself away, Cody, nice and fucking tight.”
As I prepare to turn around and walk my sorry ass to wake up my tormentor, his words stops me right in my tracks.
“She loves you, man. That’s all you need to know. Everything else, well, it’ll fall into place, alright?”
I nod in agreement. My mind thinks so, but my battered heart might just give way. There’s this part in the Marine Recon Creed I like to repeat over and over in my brain. It applies in every aspect of my life, and now, in my lowest this passage lifts me up and gives me a boost.
“Conquering all obstacles, both large and small, I shall never quit.
To quit, to surrender, to give up is to fail. To be a Recon Marine is to surpass failure; to overcome, to adapt and to do whatever it takes to complete the mission.”
I say this on repeat in my brain to psych myself up. Quitting isn’t an option…it’s not mine and not hers. Whatever is happening, right now, is just a hitch in the road, a hurdle we need to overcome, and by God, we will, because our love is the mission.
I stop for a second in front of her door that used to be our door. Damn your pussy is in full bloom! You’re getting sentimental over a fucking door. Man the fuck up and open it!
So, I do; and when my eyes land on her angelic face, not only does it make me smile, but it clears my mind. This girl, right here, is the reason why I’m fighting. She’s the only reason I’ll ever have…my life for hers…always.
I walk toward the bed and kneel down, enjoying looking at her face that’s crowned by her long wavy blond hair. Her plump lips I love to devour are slightly parted, her cute small nose that scrunches up when she smiles, and her soft skin I like running my fingers over. Then I see it, what she’s wearing. She’s wearing my old marine shirt. She’s embracing her pillow, her left leg is hiked up exposing her smooth as silk legs, and my mouth waters, knowing what’s between them. I’ve died and gone to paradise…this right here is my paradise.
I couldn’t help myself, I run my finger on her cheek, needing the connection, aching to touch her, longing to feel her.
“Love, it’s time. You need to get ready.”
She moans as she normally does. I can drop a bomb, and she wouldn’t budge. Trying to wake up Roxy is like waking up the dead. What normally wakes her up are my kisses. It never fails, when my lips land anywhere on her neck, she purrs like a cat, and that sound jumpstarts my heart and my dick.
“Mmmm, five minish…love,” She mumbles.
The embers of hope that were quickly disappearing come roaring back to life when she calls me ‘love’. I call her that, because she’s been without it since she was ten. I know Jake’s parents, Jake, and Tami shower her endlessly, but I know she misses the love of her father, mother, and her brother. I want her to always hear me say it, to remind her my love for her is enough to fix the pain…enough to restore what’s broken, and enough to last her a lifetime.
Consciously, she might want to cut my balls, but subconsciously, which is when she’s vulnerable…all she wants is me. I’m always the one to push the envelope, to see how far I can go. This plan might backfire on me, or it might give me a new lease on life.
“You want my kiss, love?” I whisper in her ear.
Old habits die hard, or is it, you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. The moment those words leave my mouth, my love puckers her lips, waiting for mine to make contact. I’m just too willing to oblige. After all, I aim to please.
So, I kiss her, tentatively, at first; but when she snakes her arms around my neck and her naughty tongue runs over my upper lip, seeking entrance, wanting to spar with mine, it’s game on. As my tongue duels with hers, her hands roam ever so slowly on my back, leaving in its wake a lust filled burn that arouses me. Our kiss quickly becomes hot and frantic because the desire is too great…the need too strong, but at times, it’s slow and sensual as we take our time, making up for a night of non-contact.
I’m plundering her mouth as a starved man in a damn chow line. My girl is giving it back to me stroke for stroke. As I suck on her tongue, the sexy moan that escapes her mouth almost make me come right there. While her fingers continue their sensual grazing of my body, my hands knead and caress her soft skin. With one hand pinching her hard nipple, the other pushes her perfect ass close to my throbbing dick.
The moment her able fingers pull my zipper down, I know I’m close to my paradise. My hands slowly graze her thighs, inching closer to her warm waiting heat. Her panties are gone in a flash, and my cargo shorts are down on my ankles. The need to be inside her is so intense, I only have a second to check if she’s ready for me. I plunge deep into my nirvana. I take a moment to savor the feeling of being inside her…of her enclosing me…this moment is only mine and hers. It’s when I feel whole, complete…it’s where I feel my girl is free…free from all the pain…and nothing, absolutely nothing, but my love…our love surrounds her.
There’s a nagging fear in me though, when she comes to, she’ll realize she doesn’t want to continue. I move slowly and deliberately, savoring every thrust as I convey my undying love for her with each sensual push. While my hands cradle her head tenderly, my tongue strokes hers, expressing how she’s cherished by me, and only me. I hope it’ll wash away any doubt she might have. Slow and steady is what my head tells me, to treasure every moan that escapes her, to derive pleasure in every shift my body makes against hers, but my heart is inundated with the hunger to claim her as mine forever…for all of eternity.
As I slowly fill her passionately…making love to her in a way I’ve never done with anyone else, I pray I fill her heart with my love that I’ve only ever offer to her.
An arousing cry escapes her luscious lips, and I know she’s close. Then, her hands guide me to rest my lips against her neck, as I nibble on it just how she likes it. As she holds my head lovingly, cradling me
with her able hands, I take us to heights that I’ve never once been, and never want to ever leave. She gives me a love bite on my shoulder as a sob escapes her. My heart stops.
She breathily says with a pained voice, “You broke me…I trusted you, and you broke me.”
As I continue to drive into her, she’s squeezing my sides with her thighs and clings to me, accompanied with whimpers that choke my heart. I want to silence her cries and wipe away her doubts, so I kiss her. I pour all my love….all my faith in us into every brush my tongue makes against hers. I want to patch every hole in her heart with my touch, I want to remove every scar with my kiss, but more than anything, I want to fix her heart….I want to renew it with my love.
“Don’t say that, love. I’ll fix it…let me fix us...,” I tell her, hoping it’ll erase every piece of uncertainty she has as I drive into her as deep as I can go.
We both surrender to our climaxes, and my hope is that along with it, every bit of my betrayal will be swept away as well. Roxy’s body relaxes against mine, her tight hold on me brings comfort; but, when she turns her head away from me and her hold gives way, the proverbial wall of pain is erected; a mask of indifference veils her pretty face.
She slowly says without looking at me, “Thanks for getting me off. What happened here was just a moment of lust.” She smirks, “…that’s all it has been between us. Nothing more.”
I can’t believe she’s telling me this while I’m still inside her. How can she say what has been between us has only been lust? I need to redirect her brain, because this shit, this is betrayal of the worse kind.
With both hands, I hold her head so I can look in her eyes, and she can look in mine. I hold it without hurting her, but my grip…my hold tells her this shit needs to stop…her shit ends, now.
“I want to be inside you, not only in a sexual way, but with everything about you -- your heart, your mind, your body, your soul. I want to be in there so deep that without me…without us there’s no point to this shit we call life. That’s what you are to me.” I stop and look in her pain filled eyes, tears of pain slip and fall; but I continue on. “You’re in so deep with every part of me, every word that leaves your mouth is like a knife cutting me, but you can cut all you want. You can’t kill the love I have for you. So, go and fight, lash out and get fucking upset.” I stand up, get dressed, and gaze at her one last time.
Roxy’s a fighter, so she’s matching my stare with one of her own. As my eyes are filled with disappointment, hers are laced with hurt.
A smirk escapes me. “Just remember this, no one…no one can make you whole but me, and you very well know it.” I give her yet another smirk that I know annoys the shit out of her, and plow through, “That’s the saddest part, you know it, and you’ll spit at it without thinking. That’s you, not me. Don’t spit on what I know is real. So, have at it; go ahead, and break you…you can’t break me.”
I stop for a moment, and slowly shake my head, as if I’m trying to wake up from a nightmare. “But, I’m only human, Roxy, and the moment you finally destroy me, mark my word, it’ll be the absolute worst thing you could have done to yourself.”
Then, I walk away. I’m not interested in what she has to say. She wants to draw a line in the sand, well too bad, I’ll wipe the line right the fuck off. I’m willing to fight…I’m prepared to get hurt, and I’m not backing down no matter how much she shuts me out. But, as I told her, everyone has a limit. I hope she won’t push me there. God, I hope I won’t end up there.
I’ve always been powerless when it comes to Cody. The moment I sense him in my room…our room. Now, it’s our room. Girl, you’re giving me whiplash! There’s a magic pill for that, you know. You can’t deny what your heart wants. You know you want him, let him prove it…let him fix it! He seems to be a DIY guy! You know the kind.
I choose to ignore me talking to myself because if I listen to my heart, my head might follow, and I’ll surrender to my body’s wishes. FYI, you surrendered not too long ago. Your wondergina was throbbing with happiness, as your body was having a seizure of the sexual kind.
What my heart wants is to forgive my love…my Cody. But, said love has stepped on my heart one too many times. I’ve forgiven him when he didn’t tell me about LT working for my uncle, and the reason behind it; but hiding the truth about LT being my brother, I don’t think I can forgive him. I don’t know if I can forgive them. Both of them should’ve told me.
Slowly but surely my brain understands what my heart wants. Deep inside, I know I can forgive him. For the first time in my life, I’m willing to overlook someone breaking my trust because of love.
My moment of silence comes to a halt, because Tami barges into my room, popping my bubble, more than likely with the evil intention to wake my ass up. If she only knew….
“Roxy! Rise and shine!”
Ha! You’re too late girlfriend…something rose…oh, it did rise!
“I’m up! Hitler!” I yell back.
“Oh, well, either jump in the shower or eat breakfast because…” hitting her wrist, “….time’s a ticking. We’re on a schedule.”
Giving her a salute I say, “Roger that.”
After my much needed alone time in the shower, I head straight to the kitchen for breakfast, where I find LT and the boys planning our route. My plan is to be quiet and to stay quiet.
“Morning, Roxy,” LT says with his pleading eyes aimed at me.
I don’t answer because there’s nothing to say. I’m calling bullshit. Of course, there’s a lot to say! So, don’t hold on to the shit, instead talk about it.
When I found out from my dad and stepmother about the existence of another child, I’ve been waiting, even praying for us to meet. But now…now that it’s here, I don’t know what to do with it. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to him, it’s just I want to make sure my head is right and my feelings aren’t masked by hurt. Yelling won’t solve anything. It’ll just exacerbate a very awkward situation. Except, LT is nothing, but persistent. He’s like a tick that won’t go away.
“I need to talk to you, Roxy. Now,” LT demands in a tone I’m sure he uses when he’s talking to his men.
LT talking to me this way makes my hackles go up. Who the hell does he think he is? NOW? Oh, GI Joe better slam on the brakes, because this conversation can derail in a heartbeat.
I raise my eyebrow. “I’m not one of your pee-ons, okay? I’d tread lightly, Damien, if I were you,” I respond with as much venom in my tone as I can manage.
He shakes his head. “If you can attempt to act your age for just a second, maybe, we can actually make some headway.”
I notice Cody and Brian leave, and it irritates me more that Cody didn’t stay. What do you expect? Did you forget, already, what you told him after you banged him! You’re certifiable! I roll my eyes at myself, but LT thought I was doing it to him.
“Can you cut the crap, Roxy? I know, you’re not going to make it easy for me, and I accept that, but leave Cody out of it. He was adamant not to do it my way. I insisted for the simple reason I knew you’d pull away. I didn’t miss the mark; I read you like a book. Finding out you’re my sister, God,” he sighs and shakes his head. “I can’t even begin to tell you how happy that made me. I thought I was going crazy. Ever since Dylan introduced us, I’ve had these feelings of wanting to get to know you more, but not wanting you sexually. I’ve never felt this way, ever, and it confused the shit out of me. Now I know, it’s because you’re my sister. We’ve always had this easy relationship, please don’t take that away. Mom didn’t want to give you up. You have to believe that. She fought for as long as she could, but they were just too powerful, even now. Mom loves you so much, please don’t be mad at her. I can take your hateful words…just don’t aim them at her. She’s suffered enough.” Taking a deep breath he continues, “In fact, we’ve all suffered enough to last us a lifetime. I think it’s time to turn it around. Don’t you think so, Roxy? I love you too, you know.” LT eyes me with restraint.
>
I decide right then to give in, because we both deserve this time…our time.
“I know what you’re saying. I’ve had that feeling, too, but now that we’re here, it seems too much, you know? God, how I wished for so long to find you after hearing about you. You don’t know how many nights I wished for her arms to be around me. How I wished to hear her say she loves me. Too many nights, Damien. Too many nights to count. And, then this…” A tone filled with sadness escapes me. “I guess, I was hoping you’d be honest enough to just tell me, instead of this covert operation you planned,” I say using air quotes when I said ‘covert operation’.
I continue on, with less anger in my voice and more love…love for a brother I missed so much. “For ten years, my stepmother from hell treated me as if I’m a waste of space, dad lied to me, and now, you do the same thing. If you love me as you say you do, why lie? No one wants to be lied to no matter the reason. Your love for me should’ve been the reason to be honest with me. Isn’t it what you guys drum about being ‘always faithful’? What happened to that code you guys live by?”
He looks outside the window where the sun is just barely peeking, and the look on his face completely loosens the noose I have on my anger toward him. His face is a mixture of serenity and misery. Can there be such an expression? Isn’t it when you’re peaceful, you’re not in pain and vice versa? The combination of both is ironic…it’s too heartbreaking to witness. To wage a war against two of the most extreme feelings one can feel, the person fighting both is certain to be in agony. How can you fight against yourself? Who wins?
LT starts biting his lower lip as if he’s fighting back tears, then he speaks, and my heart breaks for him. “The toughest decisions are the ones that hurt the most, but it shouldn’t deter you to make them, anyway. I’ve had men under my command for many years, many I’ve lost; but those that remained continued to rely and trust on my judgment. In my line of work, I don’t have the luxury to second guess myself. I listen to what’s right here,” He says, pointing to his head. “Because, if I listen to what’s right here,” He points to his heart, “…my judgments will be clouded with feelings. Feelings have no place in my line of work. So, it’s our trust and our faithfulness to each other that enable us to do what we’re called to do. No matter the cost, because the end game, is for the greater good. Do you know what it means to lay down your life to save another?” LT asks, his eyes searching mine, holding me with his stare, and silencing me at the same time.