by Susan Lewis
Since publishing the hardback in the UK, it has been extremely encouraging to discover just how many of you have been moved by the story and how greatly you care about this issue. I agree with you that we need to talk about it more in order to get to its heart and attempt to overcome it. A way of doing this can be to get in touch with anti-bullying charities, such as www.stopbullying.gov. In the UK, Kidscape is a great organization to support, and they also provided an exceptional amount of support and guidance while I was writing this book. Their contact details, along with an interview with the head of Kidscape, Claude Knights, can be found on the following pages, as well as on my Facebook page and on my website. You will find that this interview provides some invaluable information for those who want to learn more about how to deal with the issue, particularly parents and victims.
While dealing with the extremely thorny and complex subject of bullying, I have also explored the consequences of family breakdown and betrayal. We see how Jenna, Paige’s mother, becomes so wrapped up in her own problems that she doesn’t see what’s happening right in front of her. I wonder how many of us have been in that position? For those who are lucky enough to have escaped it, perhaps this book will help convey what it feels like to be in such a challenging and heartbreaking situation.
I really hope Too Close to Home has touched you in some way and that you will be sharing it with your friends and family, and if you know someone who’s suffering, I hope this will help you to find a way to reach them.
Thank you to all of you who have shared your reviews with me already and for those who’ve just reached these end pages, I’d be very interested to hear your thoughts, too!
The Research Behind Too Close to Home
An Interview with Kidscape
As many of you may already know, Too Close to Home deals with the difficult, even toxic issue of bullying. Its main focus is Paige Moore who, aged fifteen, moves to a new school in Wales where her life is turned into a living hell.
When writing this book Susan wanted to present very real scenarios experienced by children who are bullied. Dealing with such a sensitive issue, she had to be sure the research was thorough and was, therefore, extremely grateful to be put in touch with Claude Knights, CEO of Kidscape.
Kidscape is an anti-bullying charity in the UK that supports children from ages six to nineteen and we hope that after reading this you, too, will think more closely about this subject and those who may be in need.
In Susan’s book, fifteen-year-old Paige Moore falls victim to some ferocious bullying, both face-to-face at school and around the clock online. Have you noticed a significant increase in bullying since the advent of social media?
Social media has certainly added another dimension to the bullying landscape. The 24/7 aspect of online bullying as well as the sheer number of platforms add to the opportunities to dish out abuse. The disinhibition experienced by the bullies because they do not have to face the pain of their targets makes for very raw, thoughtless and relentless cruelty. At Kidscape we have found that young people who are vulnerable offline are often targeted online. Too many incidents of bullying remain unreported, but as there are an increasing number of channels for disclosing occurrences statistics would seem to point to an increase.
One recent study indicates that 69 percent of young people aged between thirteen and twenty-two had experienced cyber bullying and that 20 percent of those reported it as extreme. A robust finding across much recent research into the prevalence of bullying per se is that 46 percent of all children report that they have experienced some form of bullying during their time at school.
What are the signs that you advise parents to look out for?
The ability to identify the signs and symptoms of bullying is crucial as it can lead to prevention and early intervention. A child who is being bullied may exhibit some of the following signs and symptoms: they may be frightened of walking to or from school; refuse to attend school; feel ill in the mornings or on certain days discernible by a pattern; be truant; show a marked deterioration in their schoolwork; become anxious after using their mobile phone or computer; may become distressed or withdrawn; start stealing money (to pay the bully); refuse to admit that anything is wrong; have unexplained bruises or cuts; may become aggressive and unreasonable; and give improbable excuses for any of the above.
Do you feel schools are vigilant enough?
Schools vary hugely in terms of how they acknowledge, respond to, and deal with bullying behavior. The support given to targets of bullying and their families has improved over the past decade, but there are still too many establishments that value exam results and reputation above the creation of an environment that does not tolerate bullying in any form and that investigates incidents that take place beyond the school gate. Schools have a duty of care to all their pupils that entails providing them with an environment that guarantees their safety and in which they can pursue their studies free of anxiety. Anti-bullying policies are mandatory, but to be meaningful in an active sense, they need to be understood and enforced by the whole school community. Pupils need to understand that bullying in all its forms is wrong and that there will be consequences if any anyone engages in this destructive behavior. At Kidscape we still have to deal with too many examples of bullying situations that have slipped beneath the radar and which have not come to light until a crisis point has been reached. There remains a real need to provide additional training in preventative strategies for teachers as well as the resources to sustain peer-support initiatives and workshops for parents.
What sort of advice do you give young people who contact you for help?
We urge young people who are being bullied not to suffer in silence. If their school ignores the bullying, we tell them not to be resigned to becoming a target. We also suggest a wide range of strategies that include: telling a friend (A supportive friend can keep bullies away.); saying “No” assertively; not giving a reaction to taunts, giving the impression that you don’t care; thinking up creative responses in advance; trying to avoid being alone in places where you know the bully is likely to pick on you; practicing “walking tall” and looking confident so that the bully finds it harder to identify you as a target—even if you feel small inside; and keeping a written record of all incidents. Advice specific to online bullying is also given, and this includes never sharing passwords; activating privacy settings; never sending out provocative or cruel messages yourself; and reporting abuse to the service provider and retaining evidence.
In the book, Paige’s mother, Jenna, is distracted by problems in her marriage. Do you find that children will try to protect their parents by keeping their own pain to themselves?
We can quote a number of cases where children and young people have channeled much effort into protecting their parents by hiding the agonies caused by bullies for months and even years. In such cases the parent finds out what is going on once a crisis point has been reached, e.g., an escalation into self-harm, attempted suicide, risky behaviors, etc. One memorable case study is one where the mother was suffering from breast cancer and her ten-year-old daughter, who was enduring extreme face-to-face bullying, was determined not to disclose her pain as she felt that there was already too much anxiety in the home. The mother found out the extent of her child’s agony when she happened to see her in the bathroom (the door was normally locked), and she caught sight of bruises, cuts, and cigarette burns on her back and legs. This revelation resulted in an anguished call to Kidscape. Some children tell us that they are ashamed to tell their parents, and that they feel that they are somehow to blame for the abuse.
If a parent contacts you wanting to know how to help their child, what advice do you give?
The advice would depend on the nature of the bullying, but information essential to all bullying situations would include the need for parents to encourage their child to disclose what they are going through by ensuring full support and a real sense that they are believed. The parent needs to find out the
details of what has been happening, which entails talking to teachers, probably the head of school. Parents can help to “bully-proof” their child by emphasizing a positive outlook, including assertive body language and firm eye contact. Well-developed social skills, including the ability to listen to others, to ask questions, to smile when appropriate can be modeled and encouraged by parents. These are all protective behaviors, which help to prevent being assessed as a potential target of bullying.
Do you ever counsel the bullies themselves? If not, are there organizations that do?
Some of the young people who attend Kidscape therapeutic sessions are both target and bully in different settings. Our literature addresses issues that underlie bullying and aims to stimulate reflection and provide strategies and motivation for changing that behavior. One of our major projects works specifically with young people who tend toward aggressive and antisocial behavior. The content includes modules on anger management, conflict resolution, and the development of self-awareness. It is a sad fact that in comparison to targets of bullying very few bullies come forward to ask for help. Kidscape’s aim is early intervention. If we are to challenge bullying, we need to work with both bullies and victims. There is certainly a need for more interventions that address the underlying issues that lead young people to satisfy specific needs through bullying.
Questions and Topics for Discussion
1. Have you, or has someone you know, ever experienced bullying?
2. In what ways do you think the Internet and social media change the bullying culture in schools?
3. What can be done about this issue, in schools or at home? Do schools have a responsibility to get involved? To what extent?
4. What do you think prompts bullying behavior in teenagers? Can it be stopped?
5. Discuss Jack and Jenna’s relationship. What changed between them after the move to Wales? Could they have handled their affairs differently? How would you have handled it?
6. What sort of consequences do you think bullies should face for their actions?
7. Why do you think the bullies chose to target Paige specifically?
8. Discuss the mother-daughter relationship at the heart of this novel. What did you think of Jenna’s parenting? How could she have handled Paige’s situation differently?
9. Discuss Paige’s relationship with Jack. How does the fact that he’s her stepfather influence the family dynamic?
10. Paige has a very complicated home life: her mother’s marriage is in jeopardy, they recently moved to Wales, finances are tight, etc. What other aspects of her home life may have heightened the stress Paige was under?
If you enjoyed
Too Close to Home by Susan Lewis,
you won’t want to miss
The Girl Who Came Back
coming in March 2016
It wasn’t right to feel this way.
Not about her own daughter.
The child was only nine, for God’s sake. She was an innocent, a tender young soul still trying to find her way in the world. Except that wasn’t how she seemed, innocent and tender, or how she behaved.
She wasn’t like other children. She didn’t run or skip or play childish games. She didn’t sing or tease or sleep like an angel.
She didn’t look at people, she stared; she didn’t laugh, or when she did the sound was false, jarring, sadly humorless. Olivia had never heard girlish giggles erupting from bubbles of happiness or excitement inside Amelia. Little seemed to amuse her, or even please her, although she was often fascinated by things: insects, small animals, dolls; tools, gadgets, other children’s toys. She always wanted what wasn’t hers, which perhaps didn’t make her so very different from other children; Olivia had come across plenty of kids like that.
Amelia didn’t speak very much either, at least not to her mother.
She chatted away with her father when he made time for her.
She was the apple of his eye, when he remembered she was there.
As far as he was concerned, nothing was too much for his girl, provided it didn’t get in the way of his other commitments.
Olivia felt sure that Amelia was the only human being her husband had ever come close to loving, although she’d thought he loved her once.
That seemed a very long time ago.
She wondered how she’d ended up in this marriage, how she’d allowed herself to become the victim of such an egotistical man with such a dismissive air toward those he considered of little use.
Olivia was never entirely sure how useful she was to him.
In a material sense she wanted for nothing. They lived in a large, imposing house a stone’s throw from Chelsea Bridge. She had her own suite of rooms, a fancy car, a generous allowance, and all the freedoms she could wish for.
She also had a daughter who was healthy and intelligent, meticulously clean and tidy, but instead of joyful and openhearted was sullen and sly.
Yes, really—sullen and sly.
Olivia had never voiced her feelings about Amelia to anyone, least of all to her husband, Anton. Of course he would say the problem, if there was one and he probably wouldn’t admit that there was, lay entirely with her. She was Amelia’s mother, therefore she was the person Amelia spent the most time with (when she wasn’t away at school), so it stood to reason that she was the biggest influence on Amelia’s life.
Amelia was on her third school now, fifth if Olivia counted the two kindergartens she’d attended.
Amelia couldn’t settle. Other children didn’t warm to her, or were afraid of her, or ruthlessly tormented her. Olivia felt sorry for her when she was bullied and tried to soothe her, but Amelia hated being babied.
What was to become of her?
Would she change as she got older, and start to understand that she needed to be more like others if she wanted to be accepted by them? It was pointless trying to have the conversation with her; she simply got up and walked away. Or she’d tell her mother to shut up, or to leave her alone she was busy.
Anton’s parents were bewildered by the girl, although most things bewildered them these days.
As for Olivia’s parents; they’d separated a long time ago and she hadn’t seen either of them in a very long while. She didn’t even know where they were living now, though she guessed she could find out easily enough if she tried.
She’d felt so painfully alone since marrying Anton, which wasn’t how she’d felt before, when she was still single. She’d had lots of friends then, a career as a legal secretary, a great social life, and she’d always been up for something new. Anton had been like that, too, dashing and daring, successful, romantic, and always attentive.
So what had changed him?
Maybe his irresistible charm had been an act that he’d simply dropped once he’d made her his wife, seeing no need to go on pleasing her in the ways he used to.
She had no idea if he ever had affairs, but she hoped he did; they would provide her with a solid excuse to leave when the time was right.
Wasn’t the time right now?
Not while Amelia was still so young.
So you see, I’m not such a bad person. I really do care about my daughter, I want what’s best for her, I’ll never turn my back on her, I’m determined to find a way through to her heart.
In the meantime Anton could ridicule and humiliate, neglect and even beat her, but only until Amelia was able to make her own way in the world, that was when Olivia would go and never come back.
Looking around for Amelia now, she found her staring at her from an upper deck of their cruiser. The breeze was ruffling her mousy hair; the sun was burning her freckled cheeks.
“Have you used sun block?” she called out.
Amelia held up a tube, presumably to show that she had.
“Are you going to swim?” Olivia asked.
“Only if you do.”
Olivia’s heart twisted around her conscience. “You know I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Beca
use I’ve never learned.”
“That’s just stupid.”
“Yes, it is.” Olivia didn’t admit that she was afraid of the water, if she did Amelia would ask why and Olivia could never find a good enough answer to that. Or not one that would satisfy Amelia.
“Where’s Daddy?” Amelia demanded.
“Inside, sleeping. Or working.”
Amelia turned away and a few minutes later she was on the deck beside her mother. “I want you to swim,” she told her bluntly.
“One of these days I’ll learn,” Olivia promised.
“I want you to do it now.”
“It doesn’t happen just like that. I need someone to teach me.”
“I can teach you.”
“OK, but not here. We’re too far from the shore, and I’ll need to be able to touch the bottom in case I panic.” She smiled, hoping that Amelia might, too, but she didn’t.
“Are you afraid of drowning?” Amelia asked.
“Of course. It would be a horrible way to die.”
Amelia seemed to think about that, then suddenly pulling back her arms she gave her mother an almighty shove sending her over the edge into the sea.
Olivia was too startled to scream. Her hands and legs flailed desperately in the water. “Amelia,” she tried to gulp. “Throw…throw me…the lifebelt.”
Amelia only watched her.
“Amelia! Please.”
Amelia turned away and went to sit at the table where she’d left the book she was reading.
Fifteen or so minutes later her father appeared from the cabin.
“Hello, sweetie,” he yawned, ruffling her hair. “Are you OK?”