To his temporary heir, I added mentally. I sighed. “Just go away, Brendan. I’m tired.”
When he left, I got into bed and curled up, too exhausted to do anything else.
Chapter Ten
Anya visited the next morning and invited me to have breakfast with her in her room. “I’m not going downstairs while Sorcha and Donella are around. Not unless I have to.”
“I’m not really hungry, Anya.”
“Maybe not, but the baby needs nourishment, and you barely touched your food last night, so you’re eating something.”
“You’re so bossy.”
She folded her arms. “You’re right. Now get into my room.”
Laughing, I walked across the hall with her. I did my best to share the breakfast that was promptly delivered to her door.
She observed me with a keen gaze. “Are you feeling sick? Do you need something specific for the baby?”
I smiled. “I’m fine. I have vitamins and stuff with me. That’s enough.”
She frowned. “I heard them last night, creating a scene. What was she thinking?”
“Either she’s trying to embarrass him, or…”
“Or?”
“Or she cares what he does.” I set down my cup. “Which is worse because he did come to my room.”
Her frown softened into a pitying look. “What did he say?”
“Nothing. Not a word. He just… he was so sad, Anya. He touched my stomach, and…” I sucked in a breath, blinking back tears. “Everything is so messed up. I don’t know why any of this happened. I’m not supposed to be the one who slips up like this. I’m not supposed to be the person ruining people’s lives.”
“You do love him,” she stated.
I shrugged. “I love who I think he is. And sometimes, I don’t even remember why. It’s like, when we’re together, I forget everything else. But then he proves to me that he’s not even the person I thought he was, that he can never be the person I need him to be, and I let myself get hurt.”
“What about Brendan?”
I sighed. I felt so much guilt over Brendan. “He’s surprised me so many times. When it’s me and him, I give in to him. I mean, it’s not like he’s forcing me. It feels natural, like we’ve grown into two people who could mean something to each other.”
“He has a soft spot for you. When you’re together, you look like a couple.”
“Then why do I forget him when Drake tells me he cares? What the fuck is wrong with me that I care about two fae who can never be anything to me? How did I get here, Anya? How on earth did I manage to get sucked into this again so quickly?”
“Don’t stress,” she said. “I’m worried about you. You’re still so thin, and you look like you haven’t slept in months.”
“I’m fine. I will be fine. I’m starting to think I made everything worse by coming here.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I have no idea.” I leaned forward. “Anya, what’ll happen when Brendan gets married and has a child of his own? What happens to my baby then?”
“He’ll think of something else. I trust him.”
I grinned. “You’re a sucker for him, too.”
She smiled back, her cheeks darkening. “You have no idea what it is to be pixie. We’re bred to do whatever it takes to survive, to be loved long enough to live.”
“I love you. You don’t have to do anything for that. And you seem to be quite comfortable playing lady of the house with Arlen.”
“Oh.” Air whooshed out of her. “I’m terrified. I keep waiting for someone to come and put me in my place.”
“They can’t do that,” I scoffed. “And you’re not going to let them.”
“Oh, have you only just arrived in the faery realm?” she asked wryly. “My best chance of survival is to act like I’m better than everyone else, that I’m important. Maybe one day they’ll forget that I’m not.”
I reached out to squeeze her hand. “We’re both of us in fucked-up positions.”
“All for the men we love.” She grinned. “Would you be… at my wedding, I mean. Would you be my maid?”
“What? Like a bridesmaid?”
She beamed. “Yes! You would be with me all day, sit with me, and hand me over to Arlen in the ceremony. You haven’t been to a faery wedding, yet. It’ll be exciting for you, and it’ll mean everything to me.”
“But I’ll be all pregnant and gross.”
She laughed. “You know, the fae are fascinated with pregnancy. Because it doesn’t happen very often, they become extremely interested in and protective of pregnant women. You would put me to shame, even on my wedding day.”
“Then I’m not doing it!”
“I’m joking. Oh, please. Please, be there for me.”
“Okay. But only because you begged.”
Laughing, she hugged me. “I know you’re not entirely happy, but I’m so glad to see you. Realtín will be mad with jealousy that I got to spend all of this time with you first.”
I bit my lip. “I wish Líle was so happy to see me. Did you see her eyes? Just like ash. I don’t understand. I thought the Watcher was supposed to clean her of the Hauntings.”
“He did. He and the Wife. He escorted her back himself, but she chose to go to Drake instead of Brendan. Arlen was disappointed. I was scared to see his anger. She hasn’t come back whole. It’s as though they cleaned everything from her, good and bad. But really, it wasn’t the Hauntings. It’s the shame. She thought of herself as weak, as a failure.”
“But why? We all survived the trip.”
She shook her head. “Honour is important to a warrior. She lost herself to the oblivion waters, and you almost died. You see how Arlen is with Brendan. They don’t forget the souls they’re supposed to protect. That was the beginning for Líle, almost losing you. And then the Black Marshes, the Hauntings, being unable to go into the Fade, being left behind with the injured and weak. She told herself she was nothing, that she didn’t deserve to be who she is, and now she’s… what she is. You saw her. You know what I mean.”
“I feel bad. It’s my fault she was ever there. I need to help her.”
“She’s not ready to forgive herself, and she’s still haunted by the journey. In time, she’ll be ready to let herself heal. Until then, there’s nothing you can do.”
“So that’s it?”
“You need to cheer up. Or your baby will cry for days when he’s born.”
“Or she,” I said with a smile.
She nodded. “Or she.”
Arlen returned, so I made my excuses and headed back to my room, leaving the two of them alone. Bekind was sitting in a chair in front of my fire, huddled beneath a blanket. The woman looked at me with eyes full of pain. I closed the door and sat across from her.
“Can I stay?” she asked in a trembling voice. “Can this be my home now?”
I nodded.
She blew out a shaky sigh. “Donella refuses to keep her end of the bargain. Everything has been for nothing.”
“Not nothing. Did you know I was pregnant all along?”
She nodded. “I sensed it as a cat. And I hoped it was true even before then. The line would have ended with you. Now it carries on stronger than ever. The child of a king.”
“A king who’s married to a banshee.”
“I’m so sorry. I wish… I can’t change the past.”
I shook my head. “Nobody can.”
“This is why I needed you to take Brendan from the Fade. At first, I didn’t care if it would work. I just wanted some peace. I wanted to take Nella out of there and have my peace. I was so tired. But when Drake showed up, I figured he would work well, and I wanted… I wanted you to be happy. I knew you would be when Brendan returned. The light came back into your eyes. It’s a pity.” She stared at my stomach and sighed. “It’s just a pity.”
“So I worked for Brendan for the same reason as Drake? Because the body he had lived in created the life in my womb?”
; “Exactly that,” she said. “I worried at the end that it wouldn’t work, but it was too late to turn back. After everything, it was worth a try. And still I’m stuck, still I’m cursed. I’ve given up hope. She will never free me. She’s too spiteful. So I’m back here, begging you to let me stay, begging a human to take pity on me.”
“I already said you could stay.”
“I know, but I don’t understand why. How can you be like this? After everything you know I’ve done, everything I know you’ve felt about me, how can you just forgive me?”
I stared at the fire that never stopped burning. “I don’t forgive you, Bekind. I won’t ever be able to forgive you for some of the things you’ve done. But I love you for other things, and both sides of the book balance out. I can’t help it.”
“You’re so… so human.”
I looked at her, thinking she meant it as an insult, but she was looking at me with a kind of awe.
“Sadler kept searching for you. He won’t admit it, but his Darksiders look for you everywhere. He refuses to believe that you can’t be found. Soon, he’ll find out you’re here.”
“What do you think he’ll do?”
“I have no idea. Truly, I don’t. I doubt he would dare attack this castle. It’s a stronghold, but more than that, it’s the stuff of legend to many of the fae.”
“Where does Drake live?”
“He took over the Seelie and Unseelie queens’ castles and lands. One for him, one for the banshee.”
“Seriously?”
“So the rumours say. He’s changed, too. You must be prepared for that.”
“We’ve all changed.” I rubbed my stomach. “I’m going to be a mother, for fuck’s sake.”
“You will be a good mother. All of your line has been particularly affectionate to the babies in the family. You have a protective streak.”
“Not to put a dampener on things, but my mother probably breaks the rule.”
“Her affection put you in harm’s way,” she reminded me. “She protected you in a different, but necessary, way. Will you ever return to her? Show her she’s a grandmother?”
I shook my head. “My life… my old life is over. I don’t know what the future will bring, but it won’t be what I expected. I just wish Zoe could share it with me.”
“Nella will look for me before she leaves with the Silver Court,” she said. “Can I hide in your room until then?”
“Why not? Everyone’s already coming here like it’s a lost and found office.”
She smiled. “She’s terrified of you.”
“Who is?”
“Sorcha. She’s terrified he’ll get rid of her. He could. It hasn’t been long. Nobody would care. It’s not as if the banshees are well liked. Whispers are already spreading that a lady of death can’t bear him an heir. They would accept a human instead, especially one already proven to be fertile. All you would need is Sorcha’s death.”
“Bekind!”
Her smile widened. “I’m just letting you know what it would take to be queen.”
“I will never be a queen,” I said firmly. “That will never be me.”
She pulled her blanket tighter. “Life is funny sometimes.”
***
Brendan sent a servant to ask me to join him for lunch that afternoon. In his new office, we ate together in silence. It seemed as though he didn’t know what to say to me.
“Um…” I fidgeted with the cuffs of my sleeves. “Any news?”
He cleared his throat. “Sorcha wants you to be sent away. She claims it’s for your own safety.”
“Because of Sadler?”
He nodded. “Perhaps she and Nella told Reynard about you, too, so they could pass freely through the Hollows. Sadler probably thought you would be useful in his… negotiations.”
“Drake doesn’t care. I wouldn’t be worth anything.”
“We both know that isn’t true. Sometimes I wish…” He sighed. “Our lives became entwined one night, Cara. The three of us will always be bound in some way. Even our actions afterward drew us all closer together.”
“Except for the time he sent me away,” I said with a harsh laugh.
“I didn’t know he would do that. That wouldn’t have been my way.”
“So Anya thinks the fact that I’m carrying a baby will help me hold out on the whole summer wife thing for longer.”
He shrugged. “I don’t believe you will ever succumb.” He narrowed his eyes. “Maybe when you’re old, but that happens to humans when they age.”
“Thanks… I think.”
His old lazy smile returned. I couldn’t help responding in kind.
He relaxed in his chair. “I’m glad you’re back. It was getting boring without something berating me on a daily basis.”
I chuckled. “Any time, Brendan.”
“Tell me the truth. Did you miss the faery realm? Even after everything that happened? Did you want to return, or did… the baby force your hand?”
“I never wanted to leave in the first place. I wanted to know if Líle and Anya survived. I wanted to know that everyone got back to where they were supposed to be. I wanted to know… I wanted to be a part of what happened next. Now I’m glad I didn’t have to watch.”
He was a giant of a man, but he managed to look more sympathetic than Anya. “We all told him it was a mistake, not least because of you. But he had made his deals, and he’s not completely without honour.” He glanced at my stomach. “He didn’t know he had other responsibilities.”
“That you’re now taking care of. You’re always there to back him up. Why is that?”
“I have no idea.” He cleared his throat. “They’ll be gone soon, and you’ll have the run of the castle. There are always warriors watching, and I’m certain you can be safe here. As long as you don’t leave the grounds, I can protect you. No room is shut off to you unless…”
“Unless Anya and Arlen are making the nasty?” I asked innocently.
His laughter rang out. I realised how much I had missed making him laugh.
“Trust me, that’s a sight you can never scrub from your eyes. You are a guest, but now you are practically…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Practically a queen.”
I squirmed at the word.
“I don’t want a queen.” He held my gaze. “You understand that will never happen, don’t you?”
“Break it to me gently, why don’t you?”
“I have no intentions of marrying a woman in love with someone else.” His voice hardened. “And I will never be anyone’s second choice. As long as you don’t become like Sorcha, scheming and planning, then you are welcome here. If this place doesn’t please you, I have others. But this is my base. For now, I must remain here.”
My stomach dropped at the dismissal. “I haven’t asked you for anything for me. I just want this child to be safe from your world.”
“I know.” He looked away. “I simply thought it better to be clear from the beginning.”
“Well, don’t worry.” I got to my feet. “You were perfectly clear. I’ll keep out of your way. You won’t even know I’m here.”
“Cara—”
“I understand. Really, I do. I don’t like this situation any more than anyone else.” I reached the door and hesitated. “But I’ll always owe you for what you’re doing. Thanks for being… the person I can rely on.”
I left without looking back. I closed the door behind me and blew out a sigh. I needed air. I headed outside, ignoring the stares of the members of Brendan’s court. They could suck it. I was untouchable, according to Brendan, at least until the baby was born. Then the baby would be untouchable, until Brendan had an heir of his own. And then… then I had no idea what would happen.
I went straight to the black rose garden because it was familiar. I brushed away a stray tear as footsteps sounded behind me. I whirled defensively, holding my body in a way that made it clear I wasn’t afraid to strike.
Arlen grinned. “You must have been
a warrior in another life, Cara Kelly.”
I snorted. “Yeah, right.”
“May I walk with you?”
“Did Brendan or Anya ask you to?”
“No. I have a brain and can actually manage to think for myself.”
I laughed. “I like when you make jokes. It’s always unnerving. Makes me think anything can happen.”
He fell into step with me. “I save them up. That way I can surprise people at the perfect moments.”
“I noticed. So what’s up?”
“Anya told me you would be part of our ceremony.”
“She’s kind of persuasive.”
“She refused to marry me unless you were there. So I can say I’m glad you’re here.”
I smiled. “I’m glad you two are together for real now. No more longing glances and sexual tension.”
“That never happened,” he said stiffly. “I am a warrior.”
“Of course you are. But when it comes to Anya, you’re a big teddy bear.”
“Perhaps I’m not entirely glad you’re here.”
I laughed. “Suspicion suits you. So am I safe here, Arlen? Brendan’s given me the speech, but I want to know what you think.”
“In these grounds, you are probably safer than anywhere else, but nothing is certain. You must always be aware, always carry a weapon. You are a survivor. Make sure you remember that no matter what comes.”
“Like war.”
“If war happens, we are all lost. You might not realise this, but you saved the realm by going to the Fade for Brendan. If he was still trapped there, war would have already begun. Drake would have gone for revenge by now, and Sadler would have been happy to take his chances. With Brendan, there is a chance for peace.”
“Until somebody gets rid of Sadler,” I added.
“That’s true. An assassin would be best. Clean, easy, taking away a need for war. But Brendan refuses, and there are few who will voluntarily traverse the Darkside. We can’t kill Sadler in neutral territory, or a war would erupt no matter what we did next. We need someone to get close enough to him to end his life, but what Darksider would do that for us?”
“So what now?”
“We wait for him to play his cards,” he said in a low voice. “And we hope we can beat him at the game.”
Queen (Chaos #3) Page 7