‘I’m not the kind to sit around and mope, you know that. You can park anywhere,’ I told Ruhi when we pulled into the driveway.
‘The closer the better as you’ll have to help me in.’
Ruhi just sat looking ahead with her hands on the steering wheel.
‘Why didn’t you tell Farah I was dating Tejas too?’ she said.
‘You had pictures of us. From Bhutan. In your phone.’
‘I don’t know why,’ I said. ‘You’ve worked hard. You deserved the position. Plus it wasn’t your boss, it was your mother I’d be tattling to.’
She was silent. We entered and Ruhi sat me down on a sofa.
‘So how does it feel? To have won?’ I blurted out without thinking.
She sighed.
‘You have everything you ever wanted. It’s not enough, is it?’ I asked.
‘I wouldn’t have done what you did to me,’ she said.
‘ I would never have done anything to put your job in jeopardy,’
I said. ‘I just took what was offered to me. Tejas hit on me after you’d broken up. I never ever brought you down in public.
The second somebody else waltzed in and threatened you, you’re getting ready to turn around and run. You can’t define yourself with other people. You can only define yourself. Look at you, look at how good it is to see a bit of personality coming out of you.’
‘You do know I took the picture that had you suspended.’
‘I guessed. I’m not petty, Ruhi. I wasn’t going to spearhead an investigation, I was already out of office. If I did tell Farah, it would have made things worse for you. Plus, don’t tell me she wasn’t happy with the publicity Tejas got for free? And I’m sure you weren’t working alone in the first place. You don’t have the heart for it, Ruhi.’
‘I’m so sorry, Aisha. I got carried away with Ani.’
‘Why don’t you make some tea? Let’s talk about something else.’
Ruhi fixed us two cups of green tea. The highlights in her hair caught my eye. Mine had gone out.
‘It’s so good to see you,’ Ruhi told me, setting my cup next to me and sitting down. ‘Did you know, I always wanted a cast in school, so all my friends could write on it with sketch pens?’
‘You can be the first to write on mine.’
‘There’s another thing you should know. I crashed your party last night along with Ani and Rahul.’
‘What? You got her to my house? And really, Rahul?’
‘Tejas called me. We were in GK,’ Ruhi said.
‘Oh no. Did you see—’ I began saying.
‘Kartik is a dick.’
‘I’m so embarrassed. Did you put me to bed?’ I asked.
‘Tejas and I did, yes.’
‘Thanks, Ruhi.’
‘The least I could do,’ she said.
‘How’s Tejas doing?’
‘Uh – actually there’s one more thing you should know.’
‘It’s okay if you guys are having a thing again.’ I rolled my eyes.
‘He said he needed me. And I know I’m ready.’
‘I’m sure you are. You’re like a new person. Can I give you a little advice though?’ I asked.
‘You won’t take no for an answer.’
‘Ruhi, what will help you is to date – date as many people as you want. You need to learn to say no and take a no. You need to deal with the biggest problem in your life which is—’
‘I know – Farah. Tejas told me.’
‘Tejas is dumb. The problem is, you need to stop wanting to be liked by everyone.’
‘I want to be like you, everyone loves you.’
‘No, everyone respects me, including Farah. Few people like me.’
‘No!’
‘Yes! You’re already getting there. Look at the position I’m in because of you.’
‘I’m so sorry again.’
‘This wasn’t even in Farah’s hands. It wasn’t even the call of the round-spectacled HR lady.’
‘Then?’
‘I know how important looks and impressions are at work. I let things slide. No one is to blame but me. I got distracted, let my health go downhill and ignored Tejas. I would have done the same if I had an employee like that.’
‘Are you visiting your dietician?’
‘We Skyped last week. She’s on vacation.’ I hadn’t seen her for months but I didn’t want to have that conversation with Ruhi.
‘Do you want to know about Tejas now?’
‘Oh yes.’
‘He really misses you.’
‘What else is new?’
‘He’s too heartbroken to work.’
‘But not heartbroken enough to date you? Ruhi, I told Farah this and I’m telling you too. He is in a rut which he needs to come out of. If you try to do his work, along with the festival tasks, your own editorial job and mine, you’ll snap. He is so far gone, he’ll get you in trouble. His entire book is overdue for you guys. I know he doesn’t have a word written.’
‘He says he’ll work it out. I spoke to him, I believe—’
‘He says a lot of things. Don’t make my mistake. Tejas doesn’t have to know if you tell Farah.’
‘Hmm.’
‘And you know how Tejas led you on before. If my instinct tells me anything, it’s that you shouldn’t let him get too close. I’m not saying that because I want him back or anything. Just be cautious okay? He’s dealing with a lot too.’
Ruhi was quiet and twirled her biscuit around on the table instead of eating it.
‘Trust yourself. Not Tejas, not me.’
‘And are you going to look for work, or…’
‘I’m going to give my blog a makeover, focus all my attention on it. Once I get my groove back, I’ll apply to places.’
‘Any chance of coming back to Litracy?’
‘No way.’
‘Well, if you need any contacts and if you need company in the coming weeks, let me know.’
‘Please. You’re going to drown in office work.’
‘I’ll try anyway.’
Tuesday, 25 October
What’s on your mind?
@EveryDelhiGirl counts down the best girl-centric sitcoms of the year. Tune in to see if your fave show made the list!
#netflixandchill
I have been binge-watching every show about fat young girls I could find. There are hardly any. They’re always the main character’s sidekick. And Ugly Betty? I hated her. Why can’t the protagonists of these shows be chubby and sassy? It’s always chubby and sweet. That’s not me. I don’t exist.
I used to be a star, now I’m a black hole that swallows up everything edible that comes before it. Has that part of me died forever?
I tried to ignore these thoughts that began occupying my head.
All I had for company was my laptop. I had no friends I could call to come over except Ruhi, and it was a weekday.
I’d written out a plan to revamp my blog and I forced myself to check the traffic every day though it was getting lower and lower, from triple to double digits.
It wasn’t as if I could keep posting pictures of my cast. Even the stray cat I’d taken a snap or two of, and took to feeding leftovers got more likes than I did.
I’d started creating posts out of whatever selfies I had, which included horribly overweight pictures from my last weeks at work.
However, I had to work with what I’d got.
When I logged on, I saw a comment! Finally, after days. I’d be happy to see even a negative comment.
One guy had posted: Congratulations!
That sounded promising. Did he like my post ‘Sassy Yet Sensible Work Wear’? If the commenter was a man, why would he congratulate me on women’s wear?
‘Thank you!’
He replied immediately. ‘When are you due?’
WHAT? Was this guy serious?
Dear Manhole,
Just because a girl has a healthy-looking body does not mean she is pregnant. Please get that
inside your head. You are the reason girls around the world starve themselves to death.
Please fuck off the internet and don’t visit this site, ever ever again.
Best,
Aisha.
I hobbled over to the window, cracked it open and lit a cigarette. This was outrageous. The kind of freaks I had to deal with. I calmed myself before I went online and wrote even worse things.
When I went back, I tried to view the comments, but I couldn’t open my site’s dashboard. I tried for about half an hour and then checked my mail. I found an email from my blogging platform saying my site had been pulled down due to the hate comment posted by me. ME. How? I was defending myself against verbal abuse.
I flung my laptop off the bed and threw my coffee cup at the wall. It broke, the black coffee staining the wall like blood.
‘ Kya hua, help chahiye ?’ My maid entered.
‘Leave me alone!’ I yelled.
I felt like shoving the dented laptop out into the garden and setting it aflame.
Maybe there was something to it. Maybe I was happier being the skinny bitch since every damn person liked her more. Maybe there was something to being size zero and talking only about fashion and clothes and style.
Six months ago, I had EVERYTHING. And now?
I was done.
21
(You Drive Me) Crazy
– RUHI –
Friday, 20 November
To Do:
JLF blog
Press kit
Follow-up with authors
Brainstorm panel discussions
Go to salon, waxing, blow-dry
This was going to be the scariest thing I’d ever done.
I was sitting across the table from Tejas, looking at the meal he had cooked for me in his giant dining room. Two glasses of wine sat on the table. After meeting Aisha, I took the leap. It wasn’t a bed of roses but there had been many flowers along the way. It was going to be the night, and this time I didn’t have a sliver of doubt. We’d been dating for a month, no hidden agendas.
Ironically, since Tejas and Aisha began dating, and that moment on the flight, I’d been feeling alive. Yes, a lot of hate was there and I couldn’t look Aisha in the face for weeks, but at least I wasn’t hiding behind some glossy veneer, faking my emotions. I’d slowly but surely discarded my old self, which, as Aisha had pointed out, had been holding me back.
Tejas poured me my second glass of wine.
‘I thought she’d call me,’ Tejas said. ‘I live closer.’
‘Me too.’ I was telling him how Aisha broke her leg.
‘She must be really mad at me.’
‘Actually, you’re the last thing on her mind. She’s planning out her whole life, social media, healthy eating, next year, sitting in one place. Ambitious, no doubt, but I don’t think she’ll lose any more weight like that.’
‘Oh. And her parents?’
‘They won’t be coming back this year.’
‘How’s she gonna manage?’
‘Crutches and stuff. She has help to cook and clean.’
‘And you spoke to her, finally, about everything? She wasn’t mad at you about us being together?’
I took his hand. ‘She’s the last person you need to worry about.
How are you doing?’
‘I’ve been thinking,’ Tejas said.
‘You need more time for the book?’ I asked.
‘No, well – yes – but I’ve actually been thinking about us.’
‘You know, I’ve changed, it’s different now. I can feel it, can’t you?’ I said.
‘I need support at the moment, Ruhi.’
‘I’m here for that. I know I’m working too much and my mother is being a b—’
‘I’m not in a good place, I’m still suffering through the breakup.’
I left his hand and stood up.
‘I don’t want to hurt you again,’ he said.
‘You’re in a fucking relationship, Tejas. Not a breakup. You hit on me , starting the day you broke up with Aisha. “ Are you dating anyone, Ruhi? It would be nice to go out together sometime, Ruhi. I need you, Ruhi.” Who do you think you are? The heartbreaker of the world? You can’t touch me, Tejas.’
‘I really fell for Aisha. It’s been hard. You’re a good person and I’m asking you.’
‘Asking me for what? You don’t know what you want. Tell me now.’
‘I like being around you, but not in that way.’
‘Fair enough. No more drama.’ I picked up my bag and began putting on my heels.
‘Where are you going? Aren’t we friends?’ Tejas said.
‘How could you even ask me that? All these months, throughout the year, you’ve been stringing me along,’ I said. ‘So please excuse me, if I don’t want to be friends with you.’
‘You’re rejecting me as a friend?’
‘Yes, Tejas, I am. Let’s keep it professional,’ I told him. ‘No more extensions, no more excuses. I’m not taking the fall for you anymore.’
‘I never asked you to.’
‘God, Tejas, Aisha was right. You are so deep in your own little rabbit hole of shit, you don’t want to come out of it and take responsibility.’
‘I can’t turn it on and off, Ruhi. You know that’s not how writers work. This is happening because you met Aisha and she filled your head with all this. You’ve seen me through my book.’
‘And I’ve also seen how I’ve had to take your half-baked writing and turn it into a real book.’
‘You don’t write for me, Ruhi. You edit. Who are you to write for me?’
‘Are you homesick for hell?’ I was yelling now. ‘If I had stopped all the support and suggestions I gave you back in February before you signed the contract—’
‘I would have done it anyway without you. Maybe a few weeks later, maybe a few weeks earlier, and a better job of it, too.
You bled my time dry and in addition to that, dragged me to the office every other week for pointless meetings. I am treated like an employee, not a writer.’
‘That is absolutely not true,’ I said. ‘You don’t trust your own art. You don’t know what the hell is going on inside your head and this is what you do, manipulate and twist till we become minions who do your bidding. You’re too scared to own up to your own life.’
‘Who are you, Ruhi? You’re turning into a bigger bitch than Aisha.’
‘Aisha was honest and you couldn’t deal with her either. She’s in a fucked-up state because of you, Tejas.’
‘No, she got fired because of you.’
‘I didn’t go to Farah behind her back in the office.’
‘Well I didn’t Snapchat and Instagram our pictures all over Delhi.’
‘Good job. You’re such a hero. You also didn’t date me to break up with me one more time.’
‘I was protecting you, Ruhi.’
‘I’m not a child! You say I have to stand up for myself and then you treat me like this? You know what, Aisha has moved on. I will get over you too. But you will never get over yourself.’
‘So you decided to return home after all,’ I heard my mother’s voice in the dark.
‘Mom. You scared me! I wasn’t expecting you back tonight.’
‘Clearly. It’s midnight, young lady, do you have any idea how many missed calls I’ve given you, how worried I’ve been?’
‘Don’t start. Not right now,’ I told her loudly. ‘I know you’re mad. Just shout at me tomorrow.’ And I went to my room.
‘Ruhi. Ruhi.’ She stood at the door to my room.
‘Please. Go away.’
I took out the box of keepsakes of my relationship with Tejas and smashed it on the floor.
‘I hate you!’ I screamed and cried till I fell asleep when my mother woke me with a cup of tea.
‘I’m guessing that wasn’t you yelling at me,’ she said, looking at the things on the floor.
‘Want to tell me what happened?’
‘Okay.’ And s
o I did.
22
Ghosts of Writings Past
– TEJAS –
Friday, 29 November
It comes. From things around me. It just randomly inserts itself into my head. Affecting and colouring my life for the next few hours. It’s like a really bad trip. You know it. There’s no clear way to get rid of it. It injects its poison into me. You try distracting yourself. It’s overpowering. You can’t even vent it all out in one go . You have to let it run its course. It’s terrible. It gives you nightmares. In real life.
I was at my favourite bar in Delhi, PCO. I was meeting a lovely lady through Tindr. She was here and she looked quite all right.
This was my big plan to get my writing going again. It worked before, when I would write what was happening to me. I just had to have interesting things happen to me.
She worked in a bank, she said.
‘Oh.’ I didn’t know what to say next.
She offered me the name of the bank.
‘What is a successful banker like you doing on Tindr?’ I asked.
‘You know, what you’re doing,’ she said.
When we were at home, she mentioned she was getting married in a week, and this was her last act of rebellion. This freaked me out. I could write about it, sure. But it wasn’t what I needed. I asked her to leave and spent a sleepless night tossing and turning. I couldn’t bear to be alone in my bedroom.
This was my third conquest in seven days. I would just have to try again tomorrow.
I had a text from Aisha asking me to call her ASAP and one from Ruhi asking me to check my mail. Maybe Aisha wanted to get together and Ruhi’s email would be a letter pleading with me to take her back.
I hadn’t checked my mail in a while. I had a bunch of spam and five emails in my inbox. The first was from Farah with the subject: Writing ! The second was another from her reinstating Ruhi as my social media manager and informing me that Aisha was no longer with the company. The third was a forwarded email to the entire publishing house stating that illicit relationships were strictly frowned upon. The remaining two emails both had the subject: Imp. regd Tejas Sahni . I sat up. One was from Ruhi to Farah which I was marked on and one from Farah to me.
This is an email regarding the behaviour of the author, Tejas Sahni. I have been working with him for eleven months now.
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