The Briefcase

by Hiromi Kawakami

  “Tsukiko, there you are,” Sensei said softly as he moved to the edge of the futon.

  Yes, I said quietly, diving under the covers. The sense of Sensei washed over me. Sensei, I said, burying my face in his chest. Sensei kissed my hair again and again. He touched my breasts over my yukata, and then not over my yukata.

  “Such lovely breasts,” Sensei said. His tone was the same as when he had been explaining Basho’s poetry. I chuckled, and so did Sensei.

  “Such lovely breasts. Such a lovely girl you are, Tsukiko,” Sensei said as he caressed my face. He caressed my face, over and over. His caresses made me sleepy. I’m going to fall asleep, Sensei, I said, and he replied, Then go to sleep.

  I don’t want to sleep, I murmured, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. It was as if his palms had some kind of hypnotic effect. I don’t want to sleep. I want to stay here in your arms, I tried to say, but I couldn’t get the words out. I don’t want to ... don’t want to ... don’t want . . . to . . . , at last my utterances broke apart. At some point, Sensei’s hand stopping moving as well. I could hear his light sleeping breath. Sensei, I said, summoning the last of my strength.

  Tsukiko, Sensei seemed to rouse himself in reply.

  As I drifted off to sleep, I could faintly hear the seagulls’ cries above the sea. Sensei, don’t go to sleep, I tried to say, but I couldn’t. I was being pulled down into a deep sleep, there within Sensei’s arms. I gave in to it. I let myself be dragged down into my own slumber, far removed from Sensei’s slumber. The seagulls called out their cries in the morning light.

  The Tidal Flat—Dream

  I THOUGHT I heard a rustling murmur. It was the camphor tree outside the window. Come here, it sounded like, or Who are you? I stuck my head out the open window to look and see. A number of small birds were flitting about among the branches of the camphor tree. They were fast, and I couldn’t catch sight of them. I only knew they were there because the leaves moved around them as they fluttered about.

  In the cherry trees in Sensei’s garden, I’d seen birds before, come to think of it. It was nighttime. The birds would flap their wings a few times and then settle down. These little birds in the camphor tree, they weren’t settling down at all. They just kept fluttering about. And the camphor tree kept murmuring, Come here.

  I hadn’t seen Sensei for some time now. Even when I went to Satoru’s place, I still did not come across him sitting there at the counter.

  As I listened to the murmur of the branches of the camphor tree, Come here, I decided to go back to Satoru’s that night. Broad beans were now out of season, but surely the first edamame would have arrived. The little birds continued their flitting about, rustling the greenery.

  “HIYA-YAKKO,” I ORDERED chilled tofu from my seat at the end of the counter. Sensei wasn’t here. He wasn’t seated on the tatami or at one of the tables either.

  Even after I drank down my beer and switched to saké, Sensei still did not appear. The thought of going to his house occurred to me, but that would be presumptuous. While I sat there, distractedly in my cups, I started to grow tired.

  I went into the bathroom, and while I sat there, I looked out the small window. As I did my business, I mused that there must be a poem about how depressing it is to look out the window in a toilet and see blue sky. I would say that a window in a toilet would definitely make you depressed.

  Maybe I should go to Sensei’s house after all, I was thinking to myself as I came out of the bathroom, and there was Sensei, sitting up straight as usual in the seat two over from mine.

  “Here you are, hiya-yakko,” Satoru said as Sensei took the bowl he passed over the counter. Sensei carefully doused it with soy sauce. Gently, he picked some of the tofu with his chopsticks and brought it to his lips.

  “It’s tasty,” Sensei said straightaway, facing me. Without any greeting or introduction, he spoke as if continuing a conversation we had been having all along.

  “I ate some earlier myself,” I said, and Sensei nodded lightly.

  “Tofu is quite special.”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s good warm. It’s good chilled. It’s good boiled. It’s good fried. It’s versatile,” Sensei said readily, taking a sip from the small saké cup.

  C’mon, Sensei, let’s have a drink, it’s been a long time, I said, filling his cup.

  All right, Tsukiko, let’s have a drink then. Sensei poured for me in return.

  We drank quite heavily that night. More heavily than we’d ever drunk before.

  ARE THOSE BOATS out at sea, there, what look like needles lined up along the horizon? Sensei and I fixed our gaze on them for a moment. My eyes got dry as I stared out at them. I quickly lost interest, but Sensei’s gaze was interminably steady.

  “Sensei, aren’t you hot?” I asked, but he shook his head.

  I wondered where we were. Was this a dream? I had been drinking with Sensei. I had lost count of how many empty saké bottles there had been.

  “Must be littleneck clams,” Sensei murmured, shifting his gaze from the horizon to the tidal flat. There were lots of people gathering shellfish in the shallows.

  “They’re out of season, but I wonder if you can still find them around here,” Sensei continued.

  “Sensei, where are we?” I asked.

  “We’re back again,” was all Sensei said in reply.

  Back again? I asked, and Sensei repeated, Yes, back again. I find myself here sometimes.

  “I prefer the common clam to littleneck clams,” Sensei went on brightly, interrupting me as I was about to ask where this place was that he sometimes went to.

  “Oh, I like littlenecks,” I replied, caught up in his enthusiasm. Seabirds rustled and flew about. Very carefully, Sensei set down the to-go glass of saké he had been holding atop a rock. There was still about half left.

  “Tsukiko, please, have some if you like,” Sensei said. I looked down and was surprised to see that I too was holding a to-go glass of saké. Its contents were almost gone, though.

  “When you’re finished drinking that, do you mind if I use the glass as an ashtray?” Sensei asked, and I hastily finished off the rest.

  “Much obliged,” Sensei took the glass from me and tapped the ash from his cigarette into it. Thin wisps of cloud hung in the sky. Every so often, children’s voices echoed up from the tidal flat. I thought I heard one of them say, Look what a big one I dug up!

  “Where are we?”

  “I don’t really know,” Sensei replied, casting his eyes toward the sea.

  “Have we left Satoru’s place?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Huh?”

  I was surprised by how loudly my own voice echoed. Sensei was still looking off at the sea. The wind was damp and smelled like the ocean.

  “Sometimes I find myself here, but this is the first time I’ve ever come here with someone else,” Sensei squinted.

  “But it’s probably just a matter of convincing myself that we came here together.”

  The sun was strong. The seabirds rustled as they flew about. I could probably imagine that it sounded like Come here. At some point, my hand was clasped around a to-go glass of saké. It was filled to the brim. I quaffed it in one swig, but I didn’t feel the least bit drunk. It’s that kind of place, Sensei said as if to himself.

  “Hey . . . ,” Sensei said. As he spoke, his profile seemed to blur.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked, and Sensei looked sad.

  “I’ll be sure to come back again,” he said, and then simply disappeared. The cigarette he had been smoking had vanished. I wandered a few meters around in each direction, but he was gone. I even looked behind the rocks, but he wasn’t there either. I gave up and sat down on a rock, gulping down the saké. If you set down an empty bottle on the rocks, it would disappear in the blink of an eye. The same way that Sensei had disappeared. It must be that kind of place. I kept drinking as many glasses of saké as sprang up in my hand, while I looked off toward the
sea.

  JUST AS HE’D promised, Sensei reappeared momentarily later.

  “How many have you had?” he said as he came up from behind me.

  “Hmm . . . ,” I was a little drunk. Even in “that kind” of place, when you drank that much, I guess you could still feel the effects.

  “Well, I’m back,” Sensei said curtly.

  “Did you go back to Satoru’s place?” I asked, and Sensei shook his head.

  “I went home.”

  “Really? Huh, I wouldn’t have thought.”

  “Drunkenness brings out the homing instinct,” Sensei said solemnly. I laughed, and at that moment the contents of my saké glass spilled out onto the rocks.

  “The empty glass, if you will.” Just as he had before, Sensei held a cigarette. At the bar, he rarely if ever smoked, but I suppose when he came here, he always smoked. He tapped the ash into the glass just as it was about to fall off.

  Most of the people on the tidal flat were wearing hats. Their heads covered, they squatted as they dug for shellfish. Short shadows sprouted from each of their haunches. They were all facing the same direction as they dug.

  “I wonder why they enjoy doing that,” Sensei said while he carefully stubbed out his cigarette on the edge of the glass.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Digging for shellfish.”

  All of a sudden, right there on the rocks, Sensei started doing a headstand. The rocks were at an angle, so that Sensei’s headstand was aslant. He wobbled a little, but he soon steadied.

  “Maybe they plan to have them for dinner,” I replied.

  “You mean, eat them?” Sensei’s voice drifted up from my feet.

  “Or maybe they’ll keep them.”

  “Keep the littleneck clams?”

  “When I was little, I had a pet snail.”

  “A pet snail is not particularly unusual.”

  “Isn’t it the same? They’re shellfish.”

  “Now, Tsukiko, are snails shellfish?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  He was still standing on his head. But I didn’t think it was strange at all. It must be this place. Then I remembered something. It was about Sensei’s wife. I had never met her, however, I must have been remembering on behalf of Sensei.

  His wife was very good at magic. She started with basic sleight of hand like manipulating a red ball between her fingertips, then moved on to large-scale tricks that involved animals, until her skills were really like that of a professional. But she did not perform her tricks for anyone. She would only practice them alone at home. Every so often, she might demonstrate a newly learned trick to Sensei, but that was rare. He was vaguely aware that she practiced diligently during the day, but he wondered just how much. He knew that she raised rabbits and pigeons in cages, but these animals for magic tricks were smaller and more passive than usual. Even though she kept them inside the house, you could easily forget they were there.

  Once, Sensei had an errand that took him to the busy shopping district, far from school, and as he was walking along, a woman who, from straight on, looked just like his wife was headed toward him. However, her carriage and attire differed from his wife’s usual appearance. This woman was wearing a gaudy dress that bared her shoulders. She was arm in arm with a bearded man in a flashy suit who did not seem like the type who made an honest living. Sensei’s wife may have been willful at times, but she did not care to be the center of attention. That being the case, he figured it couldn’t be his wife, it must just be someone who looks like her, and he looked away.

  His wife’s doppelgänger and the bearded man were quickly approaching. Sensei had already looked away, yet he found his gaze drawn to the couple once again. The woman was smiling. Her smile was exactly like his wife’s smile. And as she grinned, she pulled a pigeon from her pocket, which she then perched on Sensei’s shoulder. Then she took a small rabbit from her bodice, and placed it on his other shoulder. The rabbit was as still as if it were a figurine. Sensei too stood still, transfixed. Lastly the woman drew a monkey out from beneath her skirt and saddled it on Sensei’s back.

  “How ya doing, dear?” the woman said sunnily.

  “Is that you, Sumiyo?”

  “Shush!” Instead of replying to Sensei’s question, the woman scolded the thrashing pigeon. The pigeon soon settled down. The bearded man and the woman were holding each other’s hand tightly. Sensei gently set the rabbit and the pigeon down on the ground, but he struggled with how to handle the monkey clinging to his back. The man drew the woman closer to him, and then, putting his arm around her shoulder, he whisked her away. They just rushed off, while Sensei was stuck dealing with the monkey.

  “YOUR WIFE’S NAME was Sumiyo, wasn’t it?” I asked.

  Sensei nodded. “Sumiyo was a peculiar woman, indeed.”

  “I see.”

  “After she left home, more than fifteen years ago, she moved around from one place to another. Even still, she would regularly send me postcards. Dutifully.”

  Sensei was no longer standing on his head; now he was sitting on his heels with his legs folded under him on the rocks. He had called his own wife a strange woman. However, here on the tidal flat, Sensei was the one behaving quite strangely.

  “The last postcard, which arrived five years ago, had a postmark from the island you and I went to recently.”

  There were more people on the tidal flat. With their backsides facing us, they were digging for shellfish intently. I heard children’s voices. They sounded long and drawn-out, like a tape that was being played back too slowly.

  Sensei closed his eyes as he blew cigarette smoke into the empty saké glass. I was able to recall with such detail things about Sensei’s wife—whom I had never met—but when I thought about myself, I could remember nothing. There were only the glimmering boats heading out to sea.

  “What kind of place is this?”

  “It seems like some sort of middle place.”

  “Middle place?”

  “Perhaps like a borderline.”

  A borderline between what? Did Sensei really come to a place like this all the time? I gulped down another glassful of saké, with no idea how many I’d had, and looked out at the tidal flat. The figures there were hazy and blurred.

  “Our dog,” Sensei began, setting down his empty glass on the rocks. The glass suddenly disappeared before my eyes.

  We had a dog. It must have been when my son was still small. A Shiba Inu. I love Shibas. My wife liked mutts. She once brought home a bizarre-looking dog from somewhere—it looked like a cross between a dachshund and a bulldog—and that dog lived a very long time. My wife loved that dog. But we had the Shiba before that one. The Shiba ate something he shouldn’t have, then he was ill for a short time, and in the end he died. My son was devastated. I was sad too. But my wife didn’t shed a single tear. Rather, she seemed almost resentful. Resentful at our weepy son and at me.

  After we buried the Shiba in our garden, suddenly my wife said to our son, “It’s all right, he’ll be reincarnated.”

  She went on, “Chiro will soon be reincarnated.”

  “But what will he be reincarnated as?” our son must have asked, his eyes swollen from crying.

  “He’ll be reincarnated as me.”

  “Huh?!?” our son said, eyes agog. I too was stunned. What could this woman possibly mean? There was no rhyme or reason to it, nor was it any consolation.

  “Mom, don’t say such weird things,” our son said, a note of anger in his voice.

  “It’s not weird,” Sumiyo sniffed, and hurried inside the house. A few days passed without any incident but, I think it was less than a week later, we were at the dinner table when suddenly Sumiyo started barking.

  “Arf” was the sound she made. Chiro had a high-pitched bark. She sounded exactly like him. Perhaps because she had studied magic tricks, she may have been cleverer than most people at mimicry, but nevertheless, she sounded exactly like him.

  “Quit your stupid joke,” I s
aid, but Sumiyo paid no attention. For the rest of the meal, she continued to bark. Arf, arf, arf. Both our son and I lost our appetites and quickly got up from the table.

  The next day Sumiyo was back to her usual self, but our son was infuriated. Mom, say you’re sorry, he demanded persistently. Sumiyo was completely indifferent.

  But he’s been reincarnated. Chiro’s inside me now. The casual way in which she said it only intensified his pique. Ultimately, neither one of them would concede to the other. This was the source of the strained relationship between them, and after our son graduated from high school, he decided to go off to a faraway university, and he stayed there and found a job. He rarely visited, even after his own child was born.

  I would ask Sumiyo, Don’t you love your grandchild? Don’t you have any desire to see him?

  “Not particularly,” she would say.

  Then, Sumiyo disappeared.

  “SO, THEN, WHERE are we?” I asked, for the umpteenth time. And still, Sensei did not reply.

  Perhaps Sumiyo couldn’t bear misfortune. Perhaps she couldn’t stand feeling unhappy.

  “Sensei,” I called out. “You cared deeply for Sumiyo, didn’t you?”

  Sensei made a harrumphing sound and glared at me. “Whether I cared for her or not, she was a selfish woman.”

  “Was she?”

  “Selfish, headstrong, and temperamental.”

  “They all mean the same thing.”

  “Yes, they do.”

  The tidal flat was now completely obscured by haze. Where we were, the place where Sensei and I stood, to-go glasses of saké in hand, appeared to be nothing but air, all around us.

  “Where are we?”

  “This place is, well, here.”

  Once in a while, children’s voices would rise up from below. The voices were sluggish and distant.