by Mark Twain
CHAPTER VII. Tom's first royal dinner.
Somewhat after one in the afternoon, Tom resignedly underwent the ordealof being dressed for dinner. ?He found himself as finely clothed asbefore, but everything different, everything changed, from his ruff tohis stockings. ?He was presently conducted with much state to a spaciousand ornate apartment, where a table was already set for one. ?Itsfurniture was all of massy gold, and beautified with designs whichwell-nigh made it priceless, since they were the work of Benvenuto. ?Theroom was half-filled with noble servitors. ?A chaplain said grace, andTom was about to fall to, for hunger had long been constitutional withhim, but was interrupted by my lord the Earl of Berkeley, who fastened anapkin about his neck; for the great post of Diaperers to the Princeof Wales was hereditary in this nobleman's family. ?Tom's cupbearer waspresent, and forestalled all his attempts to help himself to wine. ?TheTaster to his highness the Prince of Wales was there also, prepared totaste any suspicious dish upon requirement, and run the risk of beingpoisoned. ?He was only an ornamental appendage at this time, and wasseldom called upon to exercise his function; but there had been times,not many generations past, when the office of taster had its perils,and was not a grandeur to be desired. ?Why they did not use a dog or aplumber seems strange; but all the ways of royalty are strange. ?MyLord d'Arcy, First Groom of the Chamber, was there, to do goodness knowswhat; but there he was--let that suffice. ?The Lord Chief Butler wasthere, and stood behind Tom's chair, overseeing the solemnities, undercommand of the Lord Great Steward and the Lord Head Cook, who stoodnear. ?Tom had three hundred and eighty-four servants beside these;but they were not all in that room, of course, nor the quarter of them;neither was Tom aware yet that they existed.
All those that were present had been well drilled within the hour toremember that the prince was temporarily out of his head, and to becareful to show no surprise at his vagaries. ?These 'vagaries' weresoon on exhibition before them; but they only moved their compassion andtheir sorrow, not their mirth. ?It was a heavy affliction to them to seethe beloved prince so stricken.
Poor Tom ate with his fingers mainly; but no one smiled at it, or evenseemed to observe it. ?He inspected his napkin curiously, and with deepinterest, for it was of a very dainty and beautiful fabric, then saidwith simplicity--
"Prithee, take it away, lest in mine unheedfulness it be soiled."
The Hereditary Diaperer took it away with reverent manner, and withoutword or protest of any sort.
Tom examined the turnips and the lettuce with interest, and asked whatthey were, and if they were to be eaten; for it was only recently thatmen had begun to raise these things in England in place of importingthem as luxuries from Holland. {1} ?His question was answered with graverespect, and no surprise manifested. ?When he had finished his dessert,he filled his pockets with nuts; but nobody appeared to be aware of it,or disturbed by it. ?But the next moment he was himself disturbed byit, and showed discomposure; for this was the only service he had beenpermitted to do with his own hands during the meal, and he did not doubtthat he had done a most improper and unprincely thing. ?At that momentthe muscles of his nose began to twitch, and the end of that organ tolift and wrinkle. ?This continued, and Tom began to evince a growingdistress. ?He looked appealingly, first at one and then another of thelords about him, and tears came into his eyes. ?They sprang forward withdismay in their faces, and begged to know his trouble. ?Tom said withgenuine anguish--
"I crave your indulgence: ?my nose itcheth cruelly. ?What is the customand usage in this emergence? ?Prithee, speed, for 'tis but a little timethat I can bear it."
None smiled; but all were sore perplexed, and looked one to the otherin deep tribulation for counsel. ?But behold, here was a dead wall, andnothing in English history to tell how to get over it. ?The Master ofCeremonies was not present: ?there was no one who felt safe to ventureupon this uncharted sea, or risk the attempt to solve this solemnproblem. ?Alas! there was no Hereditary Scratcher. ?Meantime the tearshad overflowed their banks, and begun to trickle down Tom's cheeks. ?Histwitching nose was pleading more urgently than ever for relief. ?At lastnature broke down the barriers of etiquette: ?Tom lifted up an inwardprayer for pardon if he was doing wrong, and brought relief to theburdened hearts of his court by scratching his nose himself.
His meal being ended, a lord came and held before him a broad, shallow,golden dish with fragrant rosewater in it, to cleanse his mouth andfingers with; and my lord the Hereditary Diaperer stood by with a napkinfor his use. ?Tom gazed at the dish a puzzled moment or two, then raisedit to his lips, and gravely took a draught. ?Then he returned it to thewaiting lord, and said--
"Nay, it likes me not, my lord: ?it hath a pretty flavour, but itwanteth strength."
This new eccentricity of the prince's ruined mind made all the heartsabout him ache; but the sad sight moved none to merriment.
Tom's next unconscious blunder was to get up and leave the tablejust when the chaplain had taken his stand behind his chair, and withuplifted hands, and closed, uplifted eyes, was in the act of beginningthe blessing. ?Still nobody seemed to perceive that the prince had donea thing unusual.
By his own request our small friend was now conducted to his privatecabinet, and left there alone to his own devices. ?Hanging upon hooks inthe oaken wainscoting were the several pieces of a suit of shining steelarmour, covered all over with beautiful designs exquisitely inlaidin gold. ?This martial panoply belonged to the true prince--a recentpresent from Madam Parr the Queen. Tom put on the greaves, thegauntlets, the plumed helmet, and such other pieces as he could donwithout assistance, and for a while was minded to call for help andcomplete the matter, but bethought him of the nuts he had brought awayfrom dinner, and the joy it would be to eat them with no crowd to eyehim, and no Grand Hereditaries to pester him with undesired services;so he restored the pretty things to their several places, and soon wascracking nuts, and feeling almost naturally happy for the first timesince God for his sins had made him a prince. ?When the nuts were allgone, he stumbled upon some inviting books in a closet, among them oneabout the etiquette of the English court. ?This was a prize. He lay downupon a sumptuous divan, and proceeded to instruct himself with honestzeal. ?Let us leave him there for the present.