It appeared to have been closed off from the rest of the building for decades.
I had discovered it quite by accident earlier in the evening when I kicked out the back wall of my locker.
The amazing thing was that this boiler room gave me secret access directly from my locker into the school’s vast, labyrinth-like ventilation system.
Now I could travel to any room in the entire building pretty much undetected, including the teachers’ lounge and the principal’s office.
Hey, I could RUN this place!
Seeing the boiler room a second time made me realize that it actually had a lot of potential.
If I just added a butler and a video game system, I’d have a slightly CRUDDY knockoff of the BATCAVE. SWEET!! . . .
Hey! I love my family as much as the next kid!
But sometimes they can be super annoying!
Anyway, I needed to call Erin, but I was kind of worried.
She was a good friend at my school, and I didn’t want to mess things up.
Correction! . . .
She was my ONLY friend at my school, and I didn’t want to mess things up.
Finally I took my cell phone out of my pocket and nervously dialed Erin’s cell phone number.
10. PHONE-Y FRIENDS FOREVER?
“OMG! Max, where ARE you?!” Erin said frantically. “I completely lost track of you. I could hear the men talking, but not YOU. I was about to call the police when I got your text!”
“Sorry!” I muttered. “I’ve mostly been hiding out in the vents. And right now I’m in the boiler room.”
“I even tried CALLING you, but you didn’t answer the cell phone. What happened?!” Erin asked.
“I heard it ringing and I REALLY wanted to pick up. But I was worried those crooks were going to get upset,” I explained.
“But why would they get upset about the phone?!”
“Who knows?! Maybe it was that annoying RINGTONE?! I know ‘Lego Luv’ is your favorite song, but it’s so SICKENING, it should come with a free BARF BAG!”
“Listen up, dude!” she shot back. “Thanks to that SICKENING song, I was finally able to figure out you were in the computer lab. And it sounded to me like you were in BIG trouble with those burglars.”
“Yeah, but I was only in trouble because you called me. I was just about to, um . . . give them a beatdown when the phone rang,” I said lied.
“Sure, Max! Whatever you say. I’m really sorry I interrupted that beatdown you’d planned. But I turned off the lights to give YOU time to escape.”
“Really?! I wondered what was up with the lights. That was a smart move, Erin. Thanks! For real!”
“You’re welcome. I didn’t mean to give you a hard time or come off as a drama queen. I was just worried because I really like you a lot.”
“Um . . . you DO?!” I stammered. “Well . . . same here.”
“Actually, what I meant by ‘like’ was not . . . you know! We’re, um . . . friends.”
“Yeah, I understand . . . friends. Same here.” There was a long silence, and I could feel my cheeks burning. Erin actually liked me! SWEET! But NOT liked me, liked me. Which was totally cool.
After that, things got a little AWKWARD . . .
It was nice to know Erin was worried about me. But don’t get it twisted! It’s not like I’m crushing on her or something. Hey, I barely know the girl! Anyway, I decided to change the subject.
“Did you hear Ralph ranting about wanting to load up the computers and leave in ten minutes? That was fifteen minutes ago. What if they’ve already left the school?” I asked.
“You’re right. Let me check. Hold on. . . .”
Erin tapped on her keyboard for about twenty seconds.
“I found them! They were outside, loading stuff into their truck, but now they’re back inside. So how about Blackout 2.0: The Remix?” she asked.
“Is that another cruddy boy band song?”
“NO, Mr. Smarty-Pants. What I mean is, those dudes can’t STEAL what they can’t SEE!”
I had to admit, Erin had a really good point! . . .
“I think you’ve definitely slowed them down a bit. But what we really need is a brilliant plan to STOP them!” I sighed in frustration.
“Well, if YOU have a better idea, let’s hear it, Einstein. You DO have a plan, right, Max?!”
“Um . . . of course I do. I mean, why wouldn’t I have one? And it’s a good plan too!” I stammered.
“Great! Then let’s DO THIS!” Erin exclaimed.
Okay. I’m not gonna lie. I was really nervous about tackling a huge project like this with Erin. You know, one that could get me . . . KILLED!
I was still traumatized by the time I tried to help my little brother, Oliver, with a super-dangerous task. So, WHAT was it, you ask?
I helped him build a SNOWMAN. Hey, don’t laugh! Sounds simple enough, right?
WRONG!! I almost DIED!! . . .
It took an entire HOUR for me to finally convince Oliver that I was his brother and NOT his cool new magical snow buddy, Frosty the Snowman!
And by then my butt cheeks had frozen into two big chunks of ice. I thought for sure I was going to DIE from a terminal case of frostbutt frostbite. Since I obviously couldn’t defrost my behind in the microwave, I didn’t have a choice but to use my sister’s hair dryer without her permission!
I know Oliver is just a little kid, but sometimes I think he has the IQ of belly button lint.
Anyway, I was really hoping things would go better with Erin than they did with that stupid snowman.
“Okay, Erin, here’s the plan. For starters, we’ll need to keep a close eye on those three goofballs. So what exactly are you able to see and hear?”
“Let me pull up that information,” Erin said. It sounded like her fingers were tap-dancing on her laptop keyboard.
“The school PA system is in every room and hallway, so I can hear just about everything,” she explained. “But the only security cameras that are showing up on my computer are for the front and south doors. For some reason I can’t access the other nine cameras. And since we’re on the subject, I just got an idea. Hang up and call me back so we can video chat. Okay, Max?”
Before I could protest, I heard a CLICK! and Erin was gone.
That’s when I suddenly broke into a cold sweat. The last thing I wanted was for Erin to actually SEE me!!
I had completely FORGOTTEN! I was wearing her ICE PRINCESS COSTUME!! JUST GREAT Œ!
I was relieved that Erin only had a very limited view through two cameras. I planned to avoid them like the plague.
I called Erin back on video chat. But I held the cell phone really close to my face so she couldn’t see what I was wearing. . . .
Yes, I know! I was weirdly distorted and Erin could probably count the number of boogers in my nose.
But that was WAY better than her totally FREAKING OUT after seeing ME in her STOLEN princess costume, looking like her UGLY twin sister with a starter MUSTACHE.
I’m serious! It’s just peach fuzz today, but I’ll probably need to start shaving in the next month or two.
Anyway, after an intense brainstorming session, Erin and I came up with a pretty decent plan.
My job was to scope out three locations, set up booby traps, lure the burglars, and then capture them one by one.
Erin’s job was to closely monitor the burglars’ whereabouts (for MY safety), keep them busy and/or distracted using the building’s automated systems, prevent them from leaving the school property with stolen goods, locate my dad’s missing comic book, call the police to report the burglary once everything was finished, and, most important, make sure I actually SURVIVED this fiasco.
And, if you ask me, I had the EASY part!
NO JOKE!!
11. TALES FROM A MIDDLE SCHOOL NINJA
I was happy and relieved when Erin agreed to help me try to take out those burglars.
But I have to admit, all of her pointless WORRYING was starting to get a l
ittle annoying.
She was worried when she lost contact with me, she was worried when I didn’t call her back, and she was worried when I didn’t answer the phone.
But get this! NOW she was INSISTING that we stay on the phone with each other, just so she could call the police if I had an “emergency situation”! The girl was TRIPPIN’!
“Sorry, Erin! No way am I going to agree to that! I probably only have about forty-five minutes of battery life left on this phone, and I need to conserve as much of it as I can. I’m NOT going to stay on the phone with you every second like you’re my BABYSITTER!”
“Actually, Max, you have only FORTY minutes to make this plan work. Because that’s when I’m calling the police. You can use your LAST five minutes of battery life to call your PARENTS and explain why the police need them to come pick YOU up from school in the middle of the night. I NEED to be on the phone with you every second if we’re going to do this!”
“Erin, I GOT this! Come on! WHY are you making such a big deal out of everything?!”
“WHY? Because it IS a big deal! And if you don’t agree to MY terms, I’ll call the police AND your parents RIGHT NOW! I’ll never forgive myself if something bad happens to you, Max. And I REFUSE to get expelled from this school and ruin my chance to go to a major university, all because I helped YOU break thirty-nine school rules in one night due to YOUR unresolved issues with THUG! So it’s your choice, dude!”
Right then Erin and I were so exasperated with each other that we’d have UNFRIENDED each other on Facebook (IF we’d ACTUALLY ever been friends on Facebook). . . .
Of all of the cell phones I could have selected from the lost and found, I had to grab the one that belonged to Miss Know-It-All. Give me a break!
Arguing with Erin was going to be pointless and a humongous waste of time.
It was quite obvious I didn’t have a choice in the matter.
“Listen, Erin, I give up. We’ll do this YOUR way. I agree to stay on the phone with you until all of this is over, okay?” I muttered.
I sighed deeply and stuck the phone back in my pocket with her still on the line, so she couldn’t see me.
Right then I didn’t know who was the biggest PAIN, Erin or those three criminals.
Anyway, according to our plan, the first thing I needed to do was scope out the school cafeteria.
I decided to take a special shortcut to get there.
So I went through that big hole in the boiler room wall . . .
. . . that led directly into my locker and out into the main hall. . . .
However, before I made it out of my locker, Erin decided it was VITAL that I get my first update.
“Listen, Max, it sounds like Ralph is on his cell phone getting yelled at by his wife, Tina; Tucker is in the boys’ bathroom; and Moose is at a drinking fountain, guzzling water because he’s starving. So it’s all clear from your locker to the cafeteria.”
I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but maybe Erin is right. Staying in close communication with her might be a game changer.
Instead of crawling through the vents on my hands and knees, now I could roam the halls without having to worry about accidentally running into any of those crooks and getting my head ripped off.
But the best news was that not a single computer had been stolen since Erin turned off the lights.
I feel like I’m part of a high-tech ninja operation. Just call me NINJA MAX, STEALTH WARRIOR! When I was younger, I was totally obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TV show. While most kids were begging their parents for a dog or cat, all I wanted was a regular ol’ turtle. Kind of. . . .
ME, SHOPPING FOR A PET TURTLE!
I definitely wasn’t the kind of kid you would call a spoiled brat, and I wasn’t super demanding. I just had my little heart set on getting a turtle that would grow to be six feet TALL. . . .
And eat pizza, live in a sewer, act like a teenager, and do martial arts. And wear cool clothes, like khakis, bandannas, boots, and gold chains.
Come on! Was THAT too much to ASK?!
Since my family and friends knew I had turtle fever, I ended up getting FOUR of them for my birthday, along with $50 cash! I was THRILLED!
Even though my turtles were little, I decided I’d feed them a lot so they would get really big. So all I needed were some cool clothes for them to wear.
I was really happy when my older sister, Megan, offered to sell me her old doll clothes for ONLY $50, which was ALL of my birthday money.
But that deal turned out to be a total RIP-OFF! . . .
Anyway, when I finally outgrew my Ninja Turtles phase, I took my four turtles to the pond in the park and let them go.
They seemed really happy to be free and actually swam off together to find a new home.
I think all of this probably meant that I was no longer a naive child and was finally blossoming into a mature young adult.
Since my turtles were best friends, I believe they STILL hang out together. By now they’re probably HUGE from eating a fresh pond diet. Like maybe six feet tall! And they probably do martial arts, fight crime, eat pizza, and wear really cool clothes. Which is why, to this day, I totally REGRET that I set my turtles FREE!
That was the STUPIDEST thing I’ve ever done in my life!!
Okay! I won’t LIE to you. It was just ONE of the MANY stupid things I’ve done in my life!! For real!
12. BEWARE OF FUZZY GREEN BUNS!
As I headed to the cafeteria, my stomach suddenly started making garbage disposal sounds. I was praying that Erin didn’t hear it, but she did.
“Max, WHAT is that strange noise?! Um . . . on second thought, maybe I DON’T want to know . . . !”
“It’s NOT what you think! I haven’t eaten in hours, and my stomach is growling. That’s all,” I explained.
I couldn’t believe what Erin did next. She gave me her locker combo and told me to go grab a box of cookies.
And it was my favorite, chocolate chip! So I’d finally get to eat dinner tonight! SWEET!!
When I arrived at the cafeteria, I almost didn’t recognize the place.
It seemed completely different without the huge crowds, grumpy cooks in hairnets, and foul smells. It’s really DANGEROUS to eat the food in there! . . .
True story!! I almost threw up on Erin.
Luckily, I made it to the boys’ bathroom.
But, unfortunately, all the stalls were filled up, and guys were washing their hands at all the sinks.
So, luckily, I managed to make it to the bathroom in the eighth-grade hall.
But, unfortunately, it was locked because they were painting it.
So I threw up down the front of my shirt.
And yes! It was GREEN!!
My vomit, not my shirt.
That was the LAST time I actually ate cafeteria food.
Anyway, when I tried the door to the school kitchen, it was unlocked. So I went inside to take a look around. . . .
ME, SCOPING OUT THE SCHOOL KITCHEN!
“Erin, I’m in the kitchen. There’s a lot of stuff in here. But I don’t see anything we could use to catch a criminal. Unless we want to drop a microwave on them.”
“Come on, Max! Think outside the box!”
“Well, if I could get my hands on a few of those green fuzzy hamburger buns, I could serve up a severe case of FOOD POISONING, with a side dish of vomiting and diarrhea!” I snarked.
“Yeah! We could call it Operation Fuzzy Burger!” Erin laughed.
“That’s a hilarious code name. Let’s use it!” I chuckled.
“Hey, I know something else that’s super gross. How about some of that SLIMY chicken soup?!” Erin suggested.
Suddenly an idea hit me like a bolt of lightning.
“THAT’S IT!” I shouted. “It’ll be PERFECT!”
“What?! Force them to eat SLIMY chicken soup?!”
“NO! I’m going to COOK UP a booby trap that will stop ’em in their tracks! Can you help me out with a recipe?”
I asked.
“Sure, Max! I just hope you can cook FAST! According to my calculations, your phone battery life is now down to thirty-nine minutes!”
“PLEASE! Don’t remind me!” I muttered as I grabbed a huge mixing bowl and headed into the pantry to see what food items I had to work with.
I was about to prepare something so GROSS, just thinking about it made me throw up in my mouth a little.
ICK!
I just hoped I could COOK UP something that would completely incapacitate a ruthless burglar.
13. ATTACK OF THE COOKIE MUNCHER!
I had just finished mixing up my concoction in the kitchen when I got another update from Erin.
“Max, I have some bad news! Those guys have been searching the seventh-grade classrooms for flashlights. Although they didn’t find any, they DID come across some candles in one of the science rooms. Can you believe they’re actually planning to steal the rest of our computers by candlelight?! And they just might pull it off. I really think it’s time to call the police!”
“Wait a minute! We can’t do that. I haven’t found my dad’s comic book yet. There has to be something we can do to stop them!” I protested.
“Sorry! But unless you know kung fu or an ancient Jedi mind trick, it’s game over!” Erin sighed.
I groaned and stared at the ceiling in frustration. That’s when I noticed something that could possibly shut down those crooks. Instantly!
I told Erin my CRAZY idea, and she agreed it just might work. IF she could figure out how to turn on a system right at their exact spot. . . .
Since Erin is a computer WHIZ, I just KNEW she’d figure it out somehow. And she DID! . . .
It was PERFECT timing!
Boy, were those burglars ticked off. We could hear them yelling and screaming at each other while they stood in front of the hand dryers in the boys’ bathroom.
The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 2 Page 3