“It’s not normally this full,” she said.
It took what felt like forever for her words to penetrate whatever fog of claustrophobia he was in. She imagined the disgust he must be feeling, even though he almost hid it. Almost. Even though she knew his background, could understand why he had issues with crowded spaces, she couldn’t deny that his reaction hurt. He knew that she wasn’t like his grandparents. Or was he doubting that now?
She took a step toward him. “How about we eat outside?”
After what felt like the longest moment in the history of time, he shook his head. “No, I’m fine.” He took a slow, deep breath, then gave her a smile she could tell was forced.
She almost insisted they go outside, but she stopped herself. He was trying, and if this could help him get past...well, the past, then maybe she should urge him farther into the house instead of allowing him to retreat. Besides, this was who she was. Even if her home was more filled to the gills than usual, it wasn’t as if she was ever going to not have supplies such as these on hand. Maybe not taking up space in her house if she could move to a bigger place, but somewhere on her property.
Looking more shaky than she’d ever seen him, Austin managed to put one foot in front of the other. She noticed that the cowboy boots were gone, replaced by the sneakers she’d seen him wearing when she met him. He was already leaving his rancher self behind and returning to the man who lived in Dallas.
But he was here, and with flowers and food. That had to mean something, right?
To his credit, he made it into the kitchen without passing out. He placed the bag of food on her little white distressed table.
“Whatever’s in the bag smells good,” she said, trying to get his mind off his surroundings.
“Uh, yeah. My stomach was growling all the way over here.”
She smiled, and thank goodness he smiled back.
“What would you like to drink?”
“I want to say a beer, but probably not a good idea since I’m driving.”
Driving back to Dallas. She really didn’t want to think about that. “How about root beer instead?”
“Sounds good.”
Ella opened the fridge to retrieve some cold drinks.
“Where do you keep your plates?”
“Cabinet over the microwave.”
She grabbed two root beer bottles and was in the process of standing back to her full height when she saw the cabinet Austin was about to open. The wrong one.
“No—”
But she was too late. She saw it happen in slow motion—Austin opening the cabinet, all the items she’d stuffed in there tumbling out as if attacking him, Austin jumping back.
“God, how do you live with this mess?”
The amount of revulsion in his voice hit her like a punch to the heart. This wasn’t going to work.
Austin, evidently realizing what he’d said and the way in which he’d said it, looked up at her. She saw what looked like a war going on in his eyes before he shook his head.
“I can’t do this.”
He fled the kitchen, accidentally kicking an old metal flour sifter halfway across the room, and stalked back out the front door.
Was he leaving?
Trying and failing not to be hurt, she nevertheless followed him, fearing he’d somehow already be gone. But when she reached her small front porch, she saw that Austin had stopped at the bottom of the steps and was trying to get his breathing under control.
“I’m sorry,” he said without turning to face her.
“I know.” She did, even if it felt like every word, every look into his eyes was carving out another part of her heart.
He glanced back then, and a sheen of sweat was visible on his forehead. “We could go down by the lake.”
Ella didn’t think she’d ever had such reversal of emotions so quickly in her life. Thrilled that he’d sought her out with lunch and flowers one minute and crushed the next, because no matter the reasoning it was obvious the way she was living disgusted him.
“I can’t.” She wasn’t able to voice a reason, and by the look in Austin’s eyes she could tell he knew why.
He continued to stare at her for a few more moments before giving what looked like a halfhearted nod. “Feel free to go to the ranch to work whenever you want. There’s an extra key to the house in the tack room in the barn.” He hesitated a moment more, as if searching for the right thing to say.
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” She had to act as if everything was fine, as if her heart wasn’t breaking, because she needed him to leave before she fell apart in front of him. “Well, you’ve got a long drive ahead of you, and I’ve got to go clean up the mess in my kitchen.”
She hadn’t meant to put the bitter edge on the word mess when she said it, but that’s how it came out. And judging by how Austin winced, he’d heard it.
He opened his mouth as if to say something, but he seemed to rein in the words before they escaped. That or he’d had no idea what to say. She thought maybe that broke her heart even more.
“Bye, Ella.” No, that’s what broke her heart more.
“Bye.” It came out a strangled whisper, but she couldn’t have prevented that if she’d tried. Her whole body was beginning to shake, but somehow she kept it from showing.
Despite having said his farewell, Austin continued standing there staring at her for a few moments longer before he slowly turned and walked away.
As she watched Austin head toward his car, her heart broke more with each step. It was all she could do to hold back the need to beg him to stay. Instead, she let him go, telling herself it was for the best, for both of them.
But when Austin didn’t even look at her as he drove away, she couldn’t stop the tears. Despite every fiber of her common sense telling her not to, she’d still fallen in love with Austin and now had to figure out a way to fall back out.
* * *
AUSTIN FELT AS if he’d been awake for a week when he walked into his apartment and dropped his bag. The farther he’d driven away from Blue Falls, the more confused he’d become. Part of him wanted to turn around and apologize to Ella again, but the other part kept saying that it was good they’d parted when they had, how they had. That way they didn’t get any more involved, and he was reminded that they were too different to be together.
Then why did he feel like someone had stomped his chest repeatedly?
Maybe a decent night of sleep in his own bed would help. As he walked across the hardwood floor toward the bedroom, his steps echoed. He stopped and looked around at the familiar surroundings, the simple, sparse furnishings. There was nothing here that he didn’t use, that didn’t serve a specific purpose. Just the way he liked it.
He walked into the bedroom and stripped down to his underwear, wanting the empty bliss of sleep. He wouldn’t have to think about the look on Ella’s face when he’d left, how he hadn’t allowed himself to look in her direction as he was driving away. He needed distance between them to clear his head, to remember that the life he had here in Dallas was what he wanted, that his time in Blue Falls had just been a temporary diversion resulting from the loss of his last family member.
Well, hell, thinking about his grandfather’s passing sure didn’t help him feel better.
He sank onto the side of the bed and braced his forearms on his legs. The silence surrounding him wasn’t comforting, wasn’t even true silence, not like what existed on the ranch. Of course, neither was totally quiet, but the quality of the distant sounds was a world apart. Traffic and the occasional car alarm versus the call of birds, the song of cicadas on the night air, the lowing of the cattle.
He shook his head. Wallowing in nostalgia wasn’t going to help him readjust to real life.
Austin crawled into bed, but within five minutes he was so an
noyed that he couldn’t get comfortable and relax that he got up again and paced the apartment. Instead of finding comfort in its simplicity and order, however, it felt cold and impersonal. How was that possible when everything here belonged to him, had been chosen by him?
He knew why. Ella wasn’t here. In such a short time, he’d grown used to her laughter, her smile, her teasing, how she could get excited about the design possibilities of everything from an old colander to a forgotten metal can. She was just one of those people it was pleasant to be around. She embraced life and all its chaos while he tried to keep life as neat and tidy as a spreadsheet.
“Damn it.” How had he let his claustrophobia gain so much control over him?
He tried to convince himself that even if he didn’t have a problem with crowded spaces, he and Ella would never work out. They were too different. Their lives were traveling different paths. She wanted to put down roots in the place he’d left behind so long ago, and Lealand Energy Group wasn’t going to suddenly relocate its headquarters to a small town in the Hill Country. Too many obstacles any way he looked at it.
Then why couldn’t he stop thinking about her and the fact that he’d started missing her the moment he left her standing alone in front of her house?
* * *
ELLA STEPPED BACK and admired her work. She realized it was possible that Austin might never see it, but she’d already been partially finished with it when he’d rushed out of her life. They didn’t have a future, but something inside her wanted him to see that what she did mattered, had value. It wasn’t to get him back in her life. That horse had left the barn. It was more standing up for what she believed in—herself and the quality of her work.
Keri stepped forward and ran her hand across the top of the desk. “This is beautiful.” She turned to look at Ella. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?” She hadn’t told anyone about what had happened between her and Austin—the good or the bad.
Keri gave her a sympathetic smile. “You and Austin—there was something there. I wasn’t the only one who noticed it.”
Ella sighed. “Doesn’t matter now.”
Keri stepped forward and gripped Ella’s hands. “You can talk to me. Trust me when I say that keeping things bottled up inside isn’t good for you. They tend to fester.”
Ella dropped her gaze for a moment, then paced across the living room that was now empty except for the desk. Not having a use for it, she’d given the couch to a family in need that morning.
“I let a handsome face and my hormones overrule my common sense, all the while knowing it wouldn’t amount to anything lasting.”
“But you wanted it to.”
Ella didn’t know what to make of the fact that Keri’s words were a statement instead of a question. Had she been that obvious about the feelings she was developing toward Austin?
“Yeah. I know that doesn’t make sense.”
“Why not? I think whoever said our feelings had to make sense was crazy. I mean, I never thought I’d fall in love with Simon. We’d been friends in high school, but then I spent years mad at him. Then everything changed, and now I can’t imagine life without him. Don’t want to.”
“But he lived here. And I doubt he walked into your bakery and curled up his nose like he’d just arrived at the city dump.”
Keri looked satisfyingly appalled. “Austin did that? What happened?”
Ella couldn’t hold everything in anymore, and the next thing she knew she was spilling the whole story, each word more difficult to say than the previous.
“I’m so sorry,” Keri said when Ella was finished.
Ella shrugged, trying not to cry. “I just have to move on. I do hope that maybe I can rent this place. It’s perfect for what I need.”
“Is that wise, renting from him?”
“I figure I won’t have to see or even talk to him. I’ll send him a check once a month, and if there are any problems with the house I’ll either take care of it myself or send him an email.” She could be an adult about this. It wasn’t as if she’d been married to the guy.
Keri looked doubtful about the wisdom of the idea, but Ella was of the “don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater” mind-set. If she couldn’t be with Austin, if he couldn’t view what she did in the light she’d love for him to, then at least if she could make a positive step in her business it wouldn’t all have been for naught.
Her heart ached at her pragmatic view, but she’d decided to try to focus on the positive rather than how much she could be angry or hurt if she allowed those feelings to overwhelm her.
Keri placed her finger atop the desk. “So, this?”
In the immediate aftermath of Austin’s abrupt departure a week ago, she’d considered stripping what she’d done so far and starting over, making it something totally different she could sell. But despite everything, that hadn’t felt right.
“I’d already started on it, a thank-you for allowing me to take all the stuff from here for free and giving me some business advice. How we parted didn’t negate that.”
“You’re a good woman.”
“I try.” Though admittedly, sometimes it was hard. “Thanks for helping me carry the desk in.”
“No problem. I gotta run, though. Have a wedding cake to make this afternoon.”
A flash of Ella walking down the aisle toward Austin surprised her. She had to stop thinking that way. All it would do was prolong the ache in her chest, preventing her from moving on and recapturing the happy, positive person she normally was.
She walked out to the porch with Keri, then waved as her friend drove down the driveway toward the road. After taking a moment to soak up the peace and quiet, she went back inside for the last few items stored in the house.
Though it could benefit from some fresh coats of paint, the interior of the house looked so different from when she’d first stepped inside less than a month ago. She was trying not to get her hopes up too high, but she couldn’t seem to prevent herself from imagining how she would personalize the space and make it her own. If her business really took off and she got more comfortable with her financial situation, maybe she’d just buy the property from Austin.
She shook her head, reminding herself to not let her fantasies get too carried away. With the future uncertain, she backed her truck up to the barn to finish filling up the empty space in the bed.
Ella stopped to scratch Duke on the nose. At least Austin had made arrangements with a neighbor to care for Duke and the cattle. She chuckled when Duke nuzzled the side of her face. Was he lonely out here, missing Austin? Maybe he still missed Mr. Bryant. She had no doubt that animals experienced loss the same as humans, so she took the time to talk to Duke while rubbing down his neck. If she was able to rent this place, maybe they could keep each other company and she could learn how to ride so she was comfortable doing it alone.
There she was, letting her imagination run away with itself again. But she couldn’t help it. This place spoke to her, seemed to feed her soul and creative mind.
That thought was still bouncing around in her head when she headed out for the day. When she passed through the line of oak trees that hid the main part of the ranch from the road, she spotted a sign at the end of the driveway and hit the brakes.
Tears burned her eyes and turned the image of the for-sale real estate sign wavy. She supposed she had her answer about whether he would rent the ranch to her. Had he known that from the moment she’d asked him about it but led her to believe there was a chance?
Moments ago she’d been determined to move on, to not wallow in her hurt, but now anger welled up like a tidal wave approaching shore. Austin hadn’t even had the decency to call her and tell her. Not even a text message. That she had to find out this way ticked her off. It took a lot to make her mad, but she’d officially just hit that point, so
much so that she was tempted to drive over the top of the sign. The image of her tire tracks streaking across the big “For Sale” letters gave her a sense of satisfaction.
But she didn’t do it. Instead, she blinked back the hot tears trying to escape and pulled onto the road. As she made her way toward town, she came to the decision not to go back to the ranch. She had nowhere else to store what was left there. Austin would have to find someone else to haul it away, and she wasn’t going to tell him that. Let him find out through the real estate agent or potential buyer.
Sure, she could rent storage, but she had plenty of materials to work with and had spent so much time loading, hauling and unloading lately that she hadn’t had enough time to create and market. Well, that changed today.
If anyone asked her why she didn’t finish clearing out the buildings, that’s what she would tell them. What she wouldn’t say was that she wasn’t going back because being on the ranch where she’d shared her first kiss with Austin, where they had gotten to know each other during their picnic lunches, would finish breaking her heart.
* * *
ELLA COULDN’T QUIT COUGHING. Was she getting sick? Had she finally overextended herself physically and emotionally? Maybe her body was screaming, “Enough!” The coughing got worse as she came more fully awake.
Smoke! The cause of her breathing distress hit her with such force that she threw back her light quilt and leaped from the bed, only to be met with thicker smoke. She immediately dropped to her hands and knees. Panic slammed into her when she saw the orange glow of flames dancing in the living room. She was trapped. The fear threatened to strangle her more than the smoke. She had to get out.
She coughed again, hacking until her throat felt raw.
The window. Somehow she had the presence of mind to grab her purse, which contained her ID, money, truck keys and computer, from where it hung on the back of the desk chair, and crawled toward the window.
Home on the Ranch Page 15