‘Since Lily died?’ she says as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to ask about.
‘Yes,’ I reply, but I can’t repeat what she said. Since Lily died. ‘Yes, you’re right, Rosie. Not since then.’
‘Would you come horse-riding with me tomorrow?’ Rosie asks me. ‘Look up, please.’
She applies mascara as I look up to the ceiling.
‘Who, me? Horse-riding? Tomorrow?’ I ask her. I get that same flutter inside that I got earlier when Juliette asked me to go to lunch.
‘Yes, you,’ she says. ‘Horse-riding tomorrow. I haven’t done it since I was about six or seven and I’d love to go riding on the beach if there’s such a thing round here.’
‘Well, yes, there’s a beach obviously,’ I tell her, finding it hard to think of tomorrow. ‘And there are pony trekking places obviously, but …’
She waits for my answer but I simply can’t give it. I can’t think that far ahead. I don’t do social activities these days, and I have to work my usual afternoon shift, don’t I? Yes, that’s it. I have to work. There is no way I can do this. Lunch almost tore me in two until Juliette gave me the strength to get through it and though I feel stronger for it, I don’t think that I could master horse-riding on the beach. Could I?
‘So, will you come?’ she asks me again, and I can feel my heart beat a little faster at the thought of committing to something, to making plans outside of my work and my big white empty shell of a house.
‘Do this.’ She makes a shape on her mouth for me to imitate so that she can apply some lipstick and I sit there like a mannequin, doing exactly what I am told.
She holds up a mirror to my face and when I see my reflection, I have to take a moment. My goodness, I swear I am unrecognizable, but only in the best possible way. Her touch was subtle, like she knew exactly what I needed. A natural look, some light gold around my brown eyes and a soft blush on my cheeks that hasn’t been there in, yes, you’ve guessed it, three years.
To my great delight and surprise, I don’t feel guilty though, like I usually do when I think of taking any tiny steps to move on in my life after Lily. I feel something different, something I just cannot put my finger on right now.
‘So do you like it or not?’ asks Rosie ‘Because my hand is getting sore holding up this mirror. You don’t have to say you do if you don’t. My friend Melissa is probably better. She has—’
‘I love it, Rosie,’ I whisper, and then I look up at her and I smile – not just a forced smile that I use for customers when I tell them an outfit is beautiful on them, or for Matt when he asks me if I enjoyed dinner, or for Eliza when she asks if I’m okay, or even for my dad when he tries to make jokes on the phone.
This is a real smile. I know it is because it is touching that feeling that I couldn’t put a name to a moment ago. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel stuck or stagnant or numb. I feel something more real. I feel present. I am in the here-and-now and it feels quite overwhelming, but in the best possible way.
‘Thank you, Rosie,’ I say to my teenage makeup artist. ‘Thank you so, so much. You made me look a little more alive and that really means a lot to me.’
Rosie shrugs and packs up her makeup bag like it’s no big deal, but to me, it really is.
‘I suppose I should go check on Mum,’ she says, and my heart jumps when I think of how long we have been chatting. I had totally forgotten about Juliette and her whereabouts. ‘I bet she’s fallen asleep like she always does after a glass of wine with her lunch. I’ll be right back. Don’t leave without saying goodbye though or Mum will be gutted.’
This little girl … this precious little girl who has made me feel pretty on the outside has no idea how she and her beautiful mum have made me feel on the inside today. I could have walked away from that restaurant in a drowning state of tears. I could have wallowed in my pity as I made my way back up to my house, all alone, waiting on Matt to call so I could tell him about how horrible it was having everyone staring at me, blaming me for what happened to our daughter when they had no idea how tired or stressed I was that day or how quickly it all happened. He would have told me, no, begged me, to stop and to try and move on which would have angered me more and I’d have hung up and fallen asleep on top of the bed, just as Juliette is doing now, only with my scars wide open and the world blocked out.
Instead, here I am, feeling a little bit more alive for having a champion by my side today. Juliette, this stranger, and her strong and beautiful daughter have taken me under their wing through an overwhelming act of kindness. She made me walk right back to my seat today instead of running away, she made me face up to my fears and do something as simple as eating a dessert and actually taking the time to taste it.
Maybe Eliza is right with her predictions.
Maybe angels do walk around us after all.
Chapter 13
Juliette
Rosie wakes me with her mutterings about makeup and horse-riding and Shelley this and Shelley that and I realise, much to my embarrassment that I have fallen asleep while our visitor has been sitting out in the living room. Sweet Lord above, I only came in here to change my shoes, and thought I’d have a five-minute rest on top of the bed, but here I am almost an hour later being woken from a deep slumber that I hadn’t planned.
‘Please, don’t wake her up on my account,’ I hear Shelley call from down the hallway. ‘I’m going to slip off now anyhow. I can’t thank you enough for such a wonderful day, Rosie. Tell your mum I will see her again when she’s up to it.’
Rosie throws up her arms and leaves the bedroom to stop Shelley from making a quick exit.
‘You don’t have to go,’ I hear her say as I try to gather my thoughts and wake up from my slumber. ‘You can watch a movie with us and we could have some pizza later? Come on, please stay!’
Check out my daughter being ‘hostess with the mostest!’ Shelley should feel very privileged indeed as it’s not everyone Rosie likes having around, especially during mother and daughter time.
‘I’m awake now,’ I call out to Shelley who must be terribly confused as to what is going on. ‘Just give me a few seconds. Maybe stick on the kettle, will you? I might choke if I don’t get a cup of tea quickly.’
And on that note, I’m not just being cheeky. Those bubbles have gone to my head from earlier and I’m really thirsty right now. Plus I’m really tired. I could sleep for a million years right now but I’ll have plenty of time to sleep when I’m dead, won’t I?
‘I’ll make the tea,’ says Rosie. ‘Shelley, will you stay? Please?’
I make my way out into the narrow hallway of the cottage to see Shelley standing at the living room door, her handbag on her shoulder and her dog at her feet. She looks like she needs me to rescue her from Rosie’s insistence that she stay for a cuppa. She also looks different, a lot brighter than before.
‘Rosie fixed my makeup,’ she says which explains her appearance, but for the first time since I laid eyes on her, I see an innocence shine through when she makes that simple statement about having her make up done. I see before me a girl who lost her mum at a young age too, someone who is longing for love from someone who won’t judge her, but will gently nudge her in the right direction through her sea of grief.
‘Well, don’t you look just like a movie star,’ I say to her with a smile, trying in the most superficial way to make her feel better. I long to hug her and tell her she is stronger than she thinks, but she is like a fragile little bird before me and I know she is doing so well to take these baby steps, already so much better than the frail, pitiful creature who served me in the boutique only yesterday.
‘I think I’ll slip off home now,’ she tells me in a whisper, looking at her watch. ‘It’s almost six in the evening and I need to get ready for work in the morning, and I’m sure Matt will be in touch soon and I can’t wait to tell him all about you two. You’ve really made me smile today. Thank you, Juliette. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled, believe me.’
‘And you’ve made a little girl in there a lot more content, so I’ve a lot to thank you for as well, Shelley,’ I say to her. ‘I think you’ve got a fan there. A little friend if you want one.’
She seems genuinely touched as she shrugs off her modesty.
‘Well, I am very honoured if that’s the case,’ she says to me, her beautiful face breaking into a smile.
‘You deserve to smile a whole lot more,’ I tell her. ‘You deserve to love and be loved and experience all the good things in this world. Life is good, you know that, Shelley. I don’t think I realised just how much more there is I want to do in this life until I was told that I can’t, so I plan to pack in as much as I can until I, quite literally, drop. Don’t stop living before your time is up.’
Shelley looks at the ground and then back at me.
‘You’re a remarkable woman, Juliette,’ she says to me. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before. You are one in a million, but I’m sure you’ve been told that before. If I only had half your strength and positivity.’
‘Ah, stop,’ I say to her, feeling my cheeks blushing. ‘I have my meltdown moments too, don’t you worry. Plus I’ve had more than a few hard lessons recently myself and I suppose it all depends on how we react to the crap we are dealt with. No one gets it easy. None of us are getting out of here alive, so we may as well grab it by the horns while we can.’
I walk towards her but then decide to keep my distance as I get the impression Shelley doesn’t do hugs that often and I don’t want to scare her off, even though I think a good strong hug would do her the world of good.
‘I’ll take Merlin home and keep working on getting my life back together,’ she tells me, just as Rosie announces tea is ready in the kitchen. ‘Thank you so much. You have moved mountains for me today.’
‘Can you please stay for tea?’ asks Rosie, but I do think that Shelley’s time with us has come to an end, for today anyhow.
‘I’ll catch you both tomorrow maybe?’ she says. ‘I have to work in the shop but after that, you know where I am. In fact, I’ll give you my number.’
She takes out a business card for Lily Loves from her handbag and her hand trembles as she gives it over. This is a big step for her, I can tell. Is this what it’s like in life after death? Is this the empty shell I am going to leave behind in my daughter? I desperately hope not.
‘We’ll give you a call and you’re more than welcome to join us anytime for breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever,’ I say to her, trying to lift her spirits by giving her something, anything, to take us up on. She looks like she might cry as she purses her lips and nods her head in response.
‘And Merlin too, of course,’ says Rosie. ‘I’d love to go horse-riding someday this week like I mentioned before if you’re up for it. Mum hates horses and it would be nice to have the company of someone who actually gets it.’
‘I do not indeed hate horses!’ I correct my daughter. ‘My goodness, you’re making me sound like Cruella de Vil! I am a bit afraid of horses, that’s all, but I certainly don’t hate them.’
Rosie rolls her eyes and mouths to Shelley. ‘She hates them. She pretends she’s allergic. Swear.’
‘I’ll text you my number now so you can give us a shout if you ever feel like witnessing my great hatred for horses,’ I tell Shelley. ‘Can I call you a taxi or are you okay to walk? At least it’s nice out.’
‘A taxi around here?’ she laughs. ‘I’d be home before you could explain the directions. It was such a lovely evening, seriously. You have no idea how much you have lifted my weary spirits.’
‘And you mine,’ says Rosie, and I gulp, wondering just exactly how much my daughter knows about my reason for choosing to come here to find her father without me telling her as yet. Maybe I will tell her tomorrow, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But for tonight, it’s movies and chilling with my girl after an interesting day. And for me, you can’t get any better than that.
Shelley
I walk through the village of Killara with my dog by my side and my head tilted just a little bit higher than it has been in a long, long time. It’s a gorgeous evening and I stop at the shop window of Lily Loves and take in all of its greatness, allowing myself just a little moment of glory on how far I have come.
Everyone thought I would close the shop after Lily died and I guess I would have had great reason to, but Eliza stepped in and found me an assistant in Betty – an eccentric older lady from Limerick who was looking for something to keep her mind active and her eye for fashion alive. I did all the ordering from home for a long time while Betty, who in the early days I rarely had to meet face to face, kept things ticking over on the shop front while I took my time getting back on my feet again after what happened.
I’m still easing myself in to my work and it has been a life saver really to be able to focus on delivering the very best in vintage bargains for my ever-growing fan base of customers.
I work a maximum of three hours a day in the shop itself, afternoons mainly. I couldn’t dream of getting out of bed and organised any earlier than that now that I don’t have my baby girl’s sweet voice to cry out to me first thing, insisting that she wants her breakfast and that her favourite teddy, La, wants hers too. I have no idea where La ever came from but she was a humble little thing, just a pink ball of fluff with two ears and a cute nose that my daughter took everywhere with her every day for the short three years of her life. La of course is packed away in a zipped-up case, under Lily’s bed and I don’t think I will ever be able to look at her, or touch her or smell her again.
‘Shelley! Oh my goodness I thought that was you! How good to see you!’
Oh no. I close my eyes. Oh please, no. Merlin stirs from beside me and I get him to sit at ease.
I inhale sharply and my vision blurs when I turn to meet the voice of one of my best friends, Sarah – the one who left me the flowers yesterday and the one who I so carefully avoid every day of the year in case I take a step backwards when I see her with her children. Her six-year-old daughter stands beside her and she is pushing a toddler boy, her son Toby in a stroller. I think I am going to be sick.
‘Th-thank you for the flowers yesterday,’ I say, but it doesn’t even sound like my own voice when it finally comes out. ‘How is – how are – I’m sorry I was just in a dream world there staring in at the shop window. How are you?’
Sarah tilts her head to the side and nods, placing her hand on my shoulder.
‘I heard Matt’s away,’ she says to me, with genuine concern. ‘Look, I know you’re taking things at your own pace and you’re quite right to do that, but is there anything I can do? Anything at all?’
I glance down at her daughter Teigan who was Lily’s best friend since the day she was born. Teigan has no idea who I am of course, it has been so long since I dared set eyes on her and I don’t think I am ready to do so yet. She is licking an ice cream that is almost bigger than her face and her little brother is covered in white also, both of them so far removed from life and all its cruelties which is exactly how they should be of course.
‘There’s nothing really,’ I tell Sarah, but I can’t meet her eye. ‘I’m just heading home now to feed Merlin here and have an early night. I’m okay, I swear to you.’
‘Oh, Shelley, are you sure?’
I nod unconvincingly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and still not looking her way.
‘I’m actually a tiny bit better than I was yesterday,’ I say to the pavement, ‘and the day before and the day before that. One day at a time as my dad keeps reminding me. I’ll get there, Sarah, but thank you.’
I glance at Sarah who looks like her own heart is breaking for me. I want to tell her about Juliette and Rosie and their connection to Skipper but I don’t think it’s my place to say all of that. I am nearly sure that Sarah, a native of Killara and one of Matt’s oldest friends long before we became close, once was a girlfriend of the enigma that is Skipper. I say enigma simply because h
is name seems to crop up so often and everyone who mentions him seems to have a story to tell about him though he died so young, but none more than my new friend Juliette who has a living piece of him all to herself.
‘Call me when you’re ready,’ says Sarah when her children start to get fed up and the conversation, as usual with me these days, is going nowhere. ‘No pressure, that’s what I always say to you, but you know where I am. We could go out on the boat like we used to, just you, Matt, Tom and I?’
We really did used to have such fun sailing around the Atlantic coast when we hadn’t a care in the world. Tom, Sarah’s husband, was another of Matt’s sailor friends and they always wound Matt up that he was the only person in Killara to never have found his sea legs. Matt is the first to admit that he prefers dry land to the wilds of the ocean, unlike most of the locals around here.
‘Thanks, Sarah, maybe we will one day again,’ I say to her, reaching into my purse. ‘Here, Teigan, buy your little brother a treat someday soon but not right now as I can see you’re busy with that ice cream. Get yourself something really nice for your—’
I hand the little girl a ten Euro note and I get that choking feeling in my throat that tells me I’m about to forget how to breathe very soon.
‘Get something for—’
Her birthday, I want to say. She was born only days after my Lily so I know it has to be soon but I can’t say it. I just can’t.
‘Are you okay, Shelley? Honestly, you’ve gone a funny colour. Shelley?’
I can see Sarah, just about, but my vision is blurring even more now as an anxiety attack beckons. The money drops to the ground and I feel Sarah’s hands on my shoulders, propping me up.
‘Shelley,’ says another familiar voice. ‘Are you alright?’
I slide back into consciousness and then out of it again when I hear the unmistakable voice of Juliette calling me, or am I imagining it? Am I longing for it?
‘Juliette?’
‘Shelley, it’s me! You forgot your phone. What happened?’
A Part of Me and You Page 13