A shiver runs through me and I nod as I watch my teenage daughter flirt with Dean, her handsome holiday crush, at the same bar where I met the man who swept me off my feet and who unexpectedly let me bring her into this world. She flicks her hair back as she is speaking to Dean, her head tilted to the side and she throws her head back in laughter at whatever it is he’s telling her. I am going to miss so much of her precious life. She reminds me so much of myself sometimes it frightens me.
Her sweet naivety, her feisty ways, her determination – I think she gets that all from me and I hope she hangs onto those traits for as long as she can. I often wonder what traits she has that might come from her father’s genes. Maybe her sense of humour or her love of the great outdoors and animals comes from him? It kills me that she’ll never really get to know what she has in common with him. He has missed out on so much that I have gained, through no fault of his own, but I am now set to miss even more.
Her next birthday, her face on Christmas Day when she opens her presents, her exam results, her career choices, her boyfriends, her lovers, her friends, her wedding day if she takes the plunge (I think she will one day), her babies, her hopes, her dreams, her ambitions, her fears. I am going to miss it all.
‘She kind of belongs here, Juliette, doesn’t she?’ whispers Shelley.
‘She fits in here, for sure, but then I always knew she would,’ I tell my friend. ‘I really fitted in here too when I first came. I’m glad that part of me can live on in her, I really am. That gives me great comfort, not to mention knowing that you will be here – and Merlin of course. She really has fallen in love with that dog.’
I feel Shelley grip my arm a little tighter and then she leans forward and sips her water.
‘This might sound really ridiculous and I hope I’m not being insensitive,’ she says over the music. ‘But … would you do the same for me? You know, after you go?’
We don’t look at each other, but again I know exactly what she is thinking. Again, a shiver.
‘If there is such a thing as heaven, and I truly believe there is,’ I say to Shelley. ‘I am going to seek out your precious Lily and hold her in my arms and make sure she is being looked after by her sweet grandma and I will look after them both, just for you. Deal?’
‘Deal,’ she says and a tear rolls down her face. She loses her breath a little. ‘I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Oh my goodness, thank you Juliette. But how will I know if you find them?’ she asks me.
‘Oh, you’ll know,’ I say to her. ‘If your mother is anything like you, Shelley, I don’t think I will have any trouble in finding them. I think we’ll meet for sure and you will know, don’t worry.’
‘You’re a special woman,’ Shelley says to me as tears now run freely down her face. She dabs her eyes with a napkin and tries to control her breathing and I put my arm around her shoulder.
‘I am running out of time,’ I remind her, ‘so I can only see the good in everyone and the good I can do before my time is up. I think if all of us knew our days were numbered, we just might make the world a kinder place.’
Rosie returns to the table with a look of the cat that got the cream, just in time to up the mood a little, but I’m glad that Shelley felt confident enough to say that to me. It’s a pact we have made and I take great comfort in her being able to say how she feels.
‘So, any nice, um, snacks?’ I ask, noticing my daughter’s hands are empty.
‘There’s only cheese and onion crisps and there’s no way I’m going to eat those and have smelly breath for the rest of the evening,’ says Rosie. ‘And neither are you, Mum. No point looking like a movie star and smelling like you’ve halitosis, is there?’
Shelley and I both roll our eyes and laugh at Rosie’s very straightforward logic.
‘Aren’t you having anything to drink yourself,’ Shelley asks Rosie and the delight on Rosie’s face is priceless.
‘I forgot to get myself a drink,’ she replies. ‘O-M-G! I suppose I’ll just have to go back up there again.’
‘She’ll be back here to visit us all in no time!’ says Shelley as we watch my darling girl adapt her flirty pose at the bar again. She’s a chip off the old block for sure.
‘You could have trouble getting rid of her!’ I tell Shelley and we both know that it’s true. Rosie is perfectly at home around here after just five days. ‘I imagine there’ll be tears on Saturday when we’re leaving.’
Shelley doesn’t answer me. And once again, she doesn’t have to. I know exactly what she is thinking.
Shelley
‘You look amazing,’ says Sarah when she joins our company, in a bit of a fluster. ‘You both do. I love the blue on you, Juliette.’
‘It’s from a really hot boutique,’ says Juliette.
‘In England?’
‘No! Right here. Lily Loves, of course,’ says Juliette. ‘I have to say this dress will always mean a lot to me after the week that we all have shared. Thank you, girls.’
Sarah grabs a stool, takes off her scarf and coat and sits down beside us.
‘I swear, I thought I was never going to get away from my house tonight,’ says Sarah. ‘I need a gin and tonic. Need. Do you ever feel like you are talking to yourself when it comes to men? I honestly told him I was going out at seven o’clock and he swanned in just twenty minutes ago like he hasn’t a care in the bloody world. If the shoe was on the other foot I’d have a lot to listen to.’
‘Ah, I’m sure you wouldn’t be without him,’ I say to Sarah, playfully. ‘Can’t live with them, can’t live without him. I have to admit I can’t wait for Matt to come home now. I never thought I’d utter those words and I’m so glad I finally feel that way for him again. It’s been a long, lonely three years. Horrible, really.’
I don’t know why I’m opening up so much but it really feels so good to be able to chat like this to my very good friends who I trust impeccably with anything I have to say.
‘I miss Dan, too,’ says Juliette. ‘How I wish he would just walk through that door and take me home and … God, what I’d give to have my old life back.’
I can sense for the first time since I met her, a glimpse of anger in Juliette when she realises just how much her life has changed due to her ill health.
‘Don’t think like that,’ I say to her. ‘Dan has his own battles going on but I’m sure he is going to be there for you, Juliette. Maybe not in the way he used to but he is still your husband and he knows you need him.’
Rosie comes back to the table sucking a straw from a glass full of cola and she perches on a stool in front of us.
‘Teigan has not stopped talking about you – she thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread, Rosie,’ says Sarah and Rosie’s face lights up at the compliment. ‘Rosie this, Rosie that. She says she wants you to be her babysitter, so if you ever come back here and need a job, I have one ready for you. Gosh, I would have paid a fortune just to escape a bit earlier this evening. Isn’t it great to get out and look around you, even if it’s only to Brannigan’s?’
‘I’d totally forgotten what it was like to socialise,’ I say to the girls. ‘And isn’t it nice to feel your toes tapping and do something as simple as clap along to the music. I think I’ve become institutionalised, I really do but at last I’m beginning to see there is a big bad world out there for me.’
Sarah puts her arm loosely around me and quickly gives me a squeeze.
‘It’s good to have you back,’ she says to me. ‘You’ve turned a massive corner, Shell, and I think that Juliette has a lot to do with it. You really did come here at exactly the right time, Juliette.’
Juliette looks like she is miles away and I know she is longing for her husband right now. I can’t even imagine the thoughts that must be going through her mind as she sits here in a place that holds so many ghosts and memories, watching her daughter who is bursting with life, hearing stories of how she could come back here without her, and longing to go back to the way things used to b
e. Juliette looks lost. She looks so afraid and alone.
‘I’m going to get in some drinks,’ says Sarah. ‘Is everyone okay or can I get you something stronger?’
‘I’ll go to the bar for you if you want,’ says Rosie. ‘Dean said he can serve me alcohol as long as he sees me handing it over. I already checked.’
I notice Juliette force a smile at her daughter’s enthusiasm to give us table service on our evening out.
‘Okay then, tell that cheeky face up there to give his old aunt a gin and tonic,’ Sarah says, handing Rosie some money. ‘And tell him to be more generous with the ice than he normally is.’
‘With pleasure,’ says Rosie and off she skips, delighted to have a third errand up to the bar.
‘If you want to go back to the cottage at any stage, just say,’ I whisper to Juliette as Sarah checks in her handbag. ‘Maybe you’ve heard enough music?’
‘No, no, I’m fine,’ Juliette says to me but I can see in her eyes that she is struggling. ‘Sarah just got here and Rosie is having fun. I’ll stay another little while. Not much longer, but a little while.’
She is pale and waxy looking and I notice that the dress is a bit looser on her than it was when she first tried it on last Saturday. Her hand trembles slightly as she reaches for her drink, then Sarah gets up from her seat and goes around the other side to sit next to her.
‘Well now, just as I promised, I have something for you,’ she says to Juliette, handing her a white envelope that looks like it has seen better days. ‘You don’t have to open it in here if you don’t want to, but I know you wanted to have it.’
I look on, puzzled, as Juliette stares at the envelope in amazement. She looks across for Rosie who is in mid conversation again with Dean, delaying with the task of getting Sarah a drink, but maybe that’s for the best right now.
Juliette opens the envelope and she takes out a picture of a young man with sandy brown hair, smiling blue eyes, bare-chested on the beach, looking right into the camera. It is Skipper and my heart gives a leap. I can’t even imagine how Juliette must feel at seeing his face again.
Sarah watches on at Juliette who doesn’t take her eyes off the photo.
‘He was a handsome chap,’ says Sarah. ‘I know it’s not much but it’s the only one I have of him and I want you to keep it and give it to Rosie when you feel the time is right. Gosh, I remember where I was when I heard the news. His funeral was one of the saddest I ever did see. Sorry, I shouldn’t even say that. Are you okay, Juliette?’
Still Juliette doesn’t take her eyes of the picture and I notice her hands are shaking even more now. She glances at Sarah and then at me and then she puts the photo back into the envelope and sets it on the table.
‘What’s wrong?’ I ask her. ‘Oh, Juliette maybe this is all too much for you?’
‘I feel a bit sick,’ says Juliette, putting her hand to her face.
‘Me and my big fat mouth,’ says Sarah. ‘I’m really so sorry. I should have handled that all more sensitively. It’s totally my fault. I’m sorry.’
‘No, no it’s nothing to do with that at all,’ says Juliette, her eyes still fixed on the envelope.
‘Shelley, can you come here a second?’ calls Rosie from the bar and I look at my friends and then back at Rosie and then back at them again.
Sarah shoots me a look that tells me to go to Rosie so I do what I am told and make my way to the bar. I’m scared right now. I don’t know what is going on in Juliette’s head or how sick she really is feeling but I don’t like this feeling one bit. Sometimes I wish I could have just stayed numb forever.
Juliette
I watch Shelley go to my daughter who is showing her something on her phone to great delight and they glance at the door and the room begins to spin, reminding me of that drunken night when I was here before and the room was spinning then just the same. I feel drunk but of course I can’t be. I blink and lift the envelope again. Then I take out the picture, stare at it some more and I put it back again.
‘It’s painful, I know it must be,’ whispers Sarah. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing by bringing the photo here tonight but my timing was off as usual. I’m always putting my foot in it, even my husband says so’
‘No,’ I tell her. ‘That’s not it at all. You meant well. It’s not your fault, Sarah.’
I take a deep breath. The music is grating on my brain now. The accordion and the fiddle and the second fiddle, it all sounds like squeaky noise now – I wish they would just stop and be quiet. None of it sounds good anymore and my head is so sore. I need to get out of here fast. I can’t take any more of these surprises and curveballs in my life. I can’t take any more of this bar and this place and these people.
Then the door of the bar opens and in walk my sister and my husband and I really think I am going to faint.
‘Dan?’ I whisper.
‘What’s wrong, Juliette?’ Sarah asks me. ‘You really don’t look very well. Do you want to go now?’
‘Dan! Aunty Helen!’ says Rosie. ‘At last! Come and meet Shelley!’
‘It’s not him,’ I say to Sarah, staring at the envelope at the table again.
‘What?’ asks Sarah, lifting the envelope like I have made some mistake. ‘This is Skipper, darling. This is the guy we knew as Skipper who used to come here on the boat each summer?’
I feel dizzy. Rosie is waving at me. I look back at the photo. It’s a blur and it makes no sense. This is all a big mix-up.
‘It’s not him,’ I repeat to her.
‘Mum! Look who’s here!’
‘Are you sure this is Skipper?’
‘I’m sure,’ says Sarah. ‘I have no doubts. It’s him.’
The room begins to spin. I don’t know what to think now.
‘That may be the man known as Skipper in that photograph, Sarah,’ I whisper to Shelley’s friend. ‘But it’s not my Rosie’s dad. I must have got this all very wrong or else the man I met lied about his name.’
‘Why on earth would he lie?’ asks Sarah. ‘Juliette, are you okay? You look like—’
Sarah’s words are muffled and blurred. I can’t make out what she is saying because my head is spinning and everything is a whirl in front of me. So Skipper, or the man who told me his name was Skipper, is not dead at all?
I hear a familiar voice calling to me. It is Dan. Oh thank God for Dan!
‘I’m here, Juliette,’ he says. ‘Let me help you and get some fresh air.’
‘Helen?’ I mumble.
I see my sister, her face riddled with concern. And then everything goes black.
Chapter 23
Shelley
FRIDAY
Betty calls me at 8.30am to say she isn’t feeling so good and can’t work today and I feel like someone has punched me in the heart for the second time in the past twelve hours. Last night was horrendous and the memories come flooding back of how Juliette had to be taken home by her sister and her husband and it all feels like one big nightmare.
‘Have you heard anything?’ Sarah asks me as I walk around my house in a daze, brushing my teeth as I talk to my best friend on the phone with Merlin following my every move.
‘No, not a thing but I have to go and open the shop for the first time in ages and I don’t know how I am going to deal with customers today.’
‘What are you thinking?’ asks Sarah as I walk past a photo of Lily, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention.
‘I’m scared. I’m thinking a lot of things,’ I tell her. ‘I feel like I want to pack up and go to my dad and run away from it all.’
‘Well do that then,’ says Sarah. ‘Tell Matt to meet you in Belfast tomorrow instead of him flying into Dublin and take some time out from your life. You’re almost there, Shell. Maybe a bit of your dad’s company would do you the world of good right now. You’ve looked after Juliette and Rosie so well for what probably feels like forever but you still need to think of you, no matter what happens to them.’ I sit down on the e
dge of my sofa and I look out the window of the glass doors that lead onto my balcony and further onto the sea. Merlin curls up in behind me.
‘I did think of that,’ I say to her, ‘but then I’m afraid to go too far in case something bad happens to Juliette. I can’t just abandon them. I think Rosie is going to need me now more than ever.’
I lean back on the sofa and Merlin awkwardly makes his way onto my lap.
‘I hate to think of what is going to become of that poor child,’ says Sarah. ‘Juliette is very sick, Shelley. You can’t help that. You have to look after you now.’
‘You sound like Matt,’ I say to Sarah and I close my eyes, just wanting to get back into bed and forget about everything that happened so quickly last night.
Rosie had called me to the bar to tell me that she had a grand surprise for her mum and she was relishing in how well Juliette looked with her head scarf and her make-up and her lovely blue dress but when Helen and Dan arrived, it turned into a living nightmare for us all.
‘Mum, are you okay?’ Rosie called when she saw how pale Juliette looked, and before we had time to introduce each other, Helen swept in and took over and demanded that Juliette be taken back to the cottage where she was going to call her doctor immediately and I have never felt so useless in all my life.
‘The woman is terminally ill,’ Sarah reminds me and I nod in acknowledgement. I should never have become so close to them in the first place. How naïve can one person be? Of course it was going to end badly. What did I expect? Annual holidays and social networking in between? Juliette is dying and I feel like I am dying now too. I need to go to work but I don’t know if I can. I need to talk to Matt. I need him here with me because there is no way I can go and interrupt Juliette’s family time now that she seems to have taken ten steps backwards.
‘I need to get to work,’ I say to Sarah, and Merlin shifts on my knee as if to say it’s about time. ‘Maybe if you’re around you could pop in during the day? I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I feel so useless.’
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