‘Yes, Betty did the sums,’ says Eliza. ‘She did question the poor girl at first on why she was here, what age she was, who she was with, etc and then it clicked into place. She didn’t mean any harm, love. This could eventually be something very positive for you and Matt, although it might not seem as such now. You must see some hope in all of this?’
‘I don’t know, maybe I will do one day,’ I say to Eliza. ‘Maybe when I get over this shock and when Matt does too, this might be the best thing that ever happened to us. And Rosie. Oh my God I haven’t even thought about how she is going to feel about all this. Or Juliette. I haven’t even gone to see Juliette yet today. I need to go to see her.’
I can’t imagine how I am going to find the words to tell Juliette what I now know. Will she be happy? Relieved? Angry that Matt told her a lie all those years ago? And Rosie? Well, it means that she will be forever a part of our lives now which of course will always be a blessing, but how will she feel about my husband being her real father?
‘Do you think I should tell her, Eliza? Juliette is dying and I don’t want to shock or stress her. Oh, I wish I knew what to do.’
Eliza thinks for a moment.
‘You know better than I do on that one,’ says Eliza. ‘But you did say one of her hopes was to find her daughter’s father when she was here?’
I nod.
‘She’s afraid to leave Rosie all alone,’ I tell Eliza. ‘We made a pact that I would look out for her and that she would look out for Lily in heaven in return. Jesus, Eliza, Rosie is Lily’s sister? She is your granddaughter too. How does that even make you feel? There is just so much to take in with it all.’
Eliza puts her hands to her face.
‘You know I haven’t even thought of that,’ says Eliza. ‘I was so caught up in how you were feeling about it all but wow, I have another granddaughter. Oh Shelley, I miss Lily so much! I miss her every single day of life, I really do!’
And for the first time in a very long time, the woman who has been my absolute rock, who has propped me up when I was falling and who mopped up my tears when I screamed and cried for mercy, is crying now on my shoulder for the loss we have both suffered and for this very strange second chance to live again.
I am going to talk to Juliette. I need to go right now and find out for sure if all our suspicions are true. My heart is thumping and my head is sore but I can’t stop to overthink this. I am shaking with nerves and I am terrified and maybe a bit in shock still, but it’s the least I can do. I must go and tell her right now before it’s too late.
Chapter 25
Juliette
The clock is ticking in the room and rather than irritate me, I find it soothing as the hours pass by, minute by minute, second by second. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, stop.
‘Michael just called,’ whispers my sister and I want to tell her to start speaking in a normal tone and not to hush round me like I am already dead.
‘Did he call or did he whisper like he was already at my wake?’ I ask Helen and she half-smiles, then she speaks normally.
‘He has been talking to Dr McNeill, the lady who just left and who has been medicating you,’ she explains to me. ‘They have both agreed … they have both agreed that it would be unwise to try and move you right now, Juliette. I’m really sorry but you won’t be able to fly home today. I’m sorry.’
I think back to the days when Helen and I were teenagers and when our mother would be tearing her hair out in despair as we fought over everything from a pair of tights to a bottle of perfume to lipstick and boys, and how she always said that one day we would stop fighting and be the best of friends. Helen is truly my best friend in the world. My only sister. My mother, as always, was absolutely right.
‘Mum and Dad are on their way here now,’ she says to me. ‘Dan is hiring a car for a few days so he can go and pick them up later tonight and we will just look after you and make sure you are as comfortable as you possibly can be.’
‘Where’s Rosie?’ I murmur. Despite my joking with Helen about not whispering around me, it’s as much as I can manage myself right now.
‘She’s in the kitchen,’ Helen tells me. ‘Your friend Shelley just popped by. I wasn’t sure if you wanted any visitors so I asked Rosie to entertain her for now. She seems nice.’
‘Shelley is a superstar,’ I say to my sister. ‘Rosie adores her. I was almost getting jealous at one stage as she was so enthralled by the woman and I couldn’t compare to her with her shop and her dog and her big fancy house.’
Helen nods in understanding.
‘Rosie knows what side her bread is buttered on’ she reminds me. ‘I can make an excuse if you want to? She did say not to disturb you on her behalf.’
‘Would you cut the formalities, big sis and just let my friend come in for a chat please?’ I say to Helen. ‘I know you mean well but stop fussing. I’m going to be okay.’
I close my eyes and then I open them again to see Helen looking on at me, in wonder at what I just said.
‘You are, aren’t you?’ she says to me and I manage a nod. ‘I’ll go and get Shelley. Let me know if it gets too much.’
‘How?’ I ask her. ‘Not like I can ring a bell or anything, can I, Nurse?’
‘No, but you could use a code word or something like we used to do when we were younger if I casually pop in to close the window or pull the curtains?’
I close my eyes again and smile.
‘Gosh, we were always so close, weren’t we Helen even if we didn’t realize it when we were growing up?’ I say to her. ‘It’s funny but I see a very similar easy connection between Rosie and Shelley just like that. Coming here was the best thing I have ever done, even though I didn’t find the man I thought was Skipper. I’m glad I came for Rosie. I’m glad I came back for me.’
‘That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day,’ says Helen. ‘I’ll go and get Shelley.’
Shelley
I have been shaking like a leaf until this very moment, yet now, as I sit on this chair beside Juliette’s bed in this little cottage by the sea with its lemon and white interior and the cool breeze coming in off the water, I couldn’t feel any more at peace if I wanted to.
All of my fears, all of my worries as I drove here with such dread have gone and all I can see is the beauty in Juliette’s weary face as she lies in front of me like an angel with a smile that tells me she is very glad to see me.
‘You do know when I first met you I thought you were a cold-hearted snobby little bitch,’ she says to me through her cheekiest smile. ‘It just goes to show, doesn’t it?’
I shrug, able to take what she is saying on the chin. I’m sure she isn’t the only person who has got that vibe from me lately.
‘Never judge a book by its cover,’ I say to her. ‘Is that what you are going to say?’
‘I was trying to think of an appropriate equally clichéd sports quote but it isn’t coming to me fast enough,’ she says. ‘My old brain isn’t what it used to be.’
She reaches out her hand and I take it like it’s the most natural thing in the world to do. Two friends, one dying inside and longing to live in Juliette, one living inside and longing to die in me. At least that’s the way I was before I met this wonderful, inspirational woman who has no idea of the great bond and connection we will always share, even beyond the grave.
I had practised on the way here what I would say to her but now none of my speeches or approaches seem appropriate.
‘They wanted to take me home to England but it doesn’t look like I’m ready to leave my beloved Killara just yet,’ says Juliette, still holding my hand. ‘I’m not ready to let go of it yet for some reason. I do believe there is a reason for everything in life, a time for everything. Even a time to die.’
I think of this cottage, empty without her when she does eventually go and it catches my breath.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ I say, not knowing where my words are coming from. ‘I don’t know what I am going t
o do when you go, Juliette. I am going to miss you so much.’
She leans back into her pillow and looks at the ceiling.
‘Forty, eh?’ she whispers, shaking her head. ‘I just about made it to forty and I’m grateful for every single day of my life and everything I experienced.’
But life isn’t supposed to end when you’re forty, I want to scream out loud. It’s supposed to just begin, isn’t that what they say?
‘Promise me Shelley that when you turn forty, you will do something totally insane and equally wonderful and remember me when you are doing it,’ Juliette says to me. ‘Would you do that please? Something totally mental. Go crazy, even if it’s just for one day.’
‘Like what exactly?’ I ask her, loving the idea already yet my heart is piercing with tiny pinprick pains at the thought of her being totally gone which she will be of course by then.
‘I dunno,’ she says, still staring at the ceiling. ‘Jump out of a bloody plane or something mad like that – with a parachute of course. Or go skinny dipping in the moonlight. Or hike through a jungle or desert or rainforest. Just do something that you think might push you, not a little, but a lot. Scare the shit out of yourself. Remember how good it feels to be young and alive and pinch yourself if you have to in order to make you realize how damn lucky you are to be alive.’
I only have five years to go until I turn forty so I’m sure I will come up with something between now and then.
‘Okay, yes I will do that. I promise to scare the shit out of myself in your honour, Your Honour,’ I joke and she looks directly at me, her face scrunched in disbelief.
‘You better!’
‘I will,’ I promise. And then we sit in silence for a moment.
‘You love to dance,’ Juliette then whispers to me. ‘I could see that in you. Do that more, Shelley, won’t you? You don’t have to wait till you’re forty to dance. You don’t have to wait another day to dance your socks off.’
‘Every day is a disco, isn’t that what you said?’
‘Exactly,’ she says with a smile. ‘Dance with your husband in the kitchen again when he comes home tomorrow, just like you used to and remember how in love it makes you feel. Never stop dancing in the kitchen.’
Goosebumps rise on my arms and tears fill my eyes. I never told Juliette that I used to do that with Matt, did I, but it was always one of my favourite things to do.
‘And keep doing things for others,’ she tells me. ‘Do something, just one little thing for someone every day and it will help you heal more than you know. Helping Rosie has helped you heal, I really believe that.’
I nod as my tears sting my eyes. No one will ever know how being kind to that little girl has helped me so much inside.
‘And every now and then, when things are not going your way or when life throws you a shit storm, close your eyes and breathe and know that it will pass and you have two, and soon three, very strong guardian angels up above, who will keep the wind at your back, urging you to sail on through your life at ease,’ says Juliette. ‘Get back into your book club that you loved so much, cook more like you used to, see the funny side of everything where possible and never say no to something out of fear. Love is always bigger than fear, Shelley. You no longer have to be afraid of anything.’
A tear rolls down my cheek at the thought of losing this beautiful woman. She has given me so much over the past six days and now I have something to give back to her. Peace of mind like she has never known it before. It’s my turn now. I am ready to tell her.
‘I have something to show you,’ I whisper, glancing at the door for fear of someone interrupting this moment. I take a photo from my handbag and I hand it to her. And as she looks at it, I wait. And I wait …
And then she looks up at me, and back at the photo and then she drops the photo onto the bedcovers and puts her hands to her face and she cries and cries and cries as huge waves of relief and closure engulf her whole body.
She nods at me and smiles then takes my hand and kisses it.
‘You found him,’ she says. ‘Yes, my darling, that’s him and you found him. That’s the man I thought was called Skipper. How did you find him, Shelley? Does he know about Rosie? What did he say? Oh God, you found him. You found him. What did he say?’
I pause. I was afraid she might ask me that but of course he didn’t say anything because I haven’t told him yet. I had to be sure before I said a word and before I saw her reaction, but now there is no question about it. Betty was right. Her calculations were exactly right. Rosie’s father is not Skipper after all. It is Matt.
‘I haven’t told him yet, Juliette, but I will when I see him tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’ she whispers and her weary eyes widen.
I close my eyes and then I breathe out.
‘Remember …’ I whisper to Juliette. ‘Remember you said you thought when you first met me that I was a cold-hearted bitch?’
Juliette wipes her eyes. ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Sorry about that because I was very wrong.’
‘You don’t have to be sorry,’ I remind her. ‘You said you were wrong, but in what way do you think were you wrong? I need to know what you think of me because I need you to know that I’m warm in my heart and I have so much room for love. I can love Rosie.’
She looks so puzzled, but I need to do this right. ‘Just say anything,’ I ask her. ‘Say what comes to your head.’
She ponders a moment and then she looks at me so sincerely.
‘You have been a light in a very dark place for both me and my daughter, Shelley’ she says to me. ‘You make Rosie glow and you make her feel safe, like she is going to get through this because you have been where she is and you have managed to battle on through it no matter what. You have shown her just how brave the human spirit is and to me, that’s very admirable indeed. You’re like a walking angel and you have changed our lives for the better. You have changed my life for the better as I face my dying days.’
Wow. Well, I wasn’t really expecting all of that and I’m floored, but I need to stay focused. I need to continue.
‘Juliette, I promised I would look out for Rosie, didn’t I, so you trust me with that?’
‘You did,’ she whispers. Her eyes are getting darker and heavier I notice. ‘And of course, I trust you. In return, I am going to wrap my arms around your little girl and your darling mother when I see them in heaven. That’s our deal, isn’t it?’
‘It is,’ I agree. ‘But Juliette, my part of the deal is going to be a lot stronger than I originally thought. Than we originally thought, after all.’
‘How?’ She looks at me tentatively, like she already knows what I am going to say.
I take the photo of Matt from the bedclothes and I look at it for a second, then I look at Juliette.
‘It’s Matt,’ I whisper to her.
She gasps.
‘Oh Shelley! Shelley, really?’
‘Yes, really,’ I say and a shiver runs through me as Juliette takes this in. ‘Rosie is Matt’s daughter.’
Juliette swallows hard, her weary mind battling now to make sense of this all.
‘Please don’t judge him, but he really shouldn’t have been with you that night,’ I explain. ‘His relationship at the time was coming to an end and he said his name was Skipper in case anyone found out that he was messing around but I know that he’s going to love Rosie as much as I do. And I do love her, Juliette. Are you okay?’
She inhales deeply and then her tired eyes look directly into mine.
‘I knew we met for a reason,’ she whispers to me and takes my hand in hers. ‘I believe in fate, I really do. I was meant to come here and find you. I just knew it.’
I put her hand up to my cheek and I close my eyes for a few seconds to let this moment sink in.
‘I knew it too when I saw Rosie,’ I realise. ‘I never could let anyone into my life since Lily died, and yet here was this stranger, this sad little girl who I clicked with the moment I saw her. I knew there w
as something special about her and now I know why. We are family now. I always hoped that my mother and Lily sent Rosie to me to help me see love again but now I really believe it.’
Juliette stares at me in disbelief but with a smile on her face. She is exhausted.
‘You always said you would look out for her, didn’t you?’ she whispers.
‘Yes, I did. But now I’m not going to only look out for your precious Rosie, Juliette,’ I tell her, ‘but Matt and I will look after her in every way we can if and when she wants us to. We will be there for her every step of the way for the rest of her life for as long as she needs us.’
Juliette goes a bit paler and she leans back again, sinking further into the pillow. Her eyes widen, then drop heavily again, and then she closes her eyes and a single tear drips down her cheek and on to her pillow.
‘I found him,’ she whispers. ‘I finally found him. Oh Shelley, I don’t know what to say right now. I – I honestly had no idea whatsoever and I hope you don’t think I ever did. This is overwhelming. It’s more than I ever could have imagined. So much more. But are you okay?’
I shake my head and put my hand on her arm. She feels a little cold to touch. She is weaker than she is letting on and I don’t think I need to drag this out any further.
‘You have nothing to worry about as far as I am concerned,’ I reassure her. ‘Rosie is Lily’s sister, imagine that, Juliette? I have seen so much death and loss in my life and it almost killed me too, and although my first reaction was to think that this was life’s cruel way of throwing me such irony, someone I just met showed me how to turn things around to a positive in every circumstance we face, and I choose to look on all of this as the most magnificent gift of all. This is not bad news for me and Matt, Juliette. This is the best thing that could have ever happened to us and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.’
‘Thank you,’ she mouths and I know it’s my time to go and let her rest. ‘Can I ask you a big favour, Shelley?’
A Part of Me and You Page 28