by Kira Barker
What surprised me about it was just how honest he was, and while hearing all that hurt, it could have been worse. At least it was the truth.
“Why didn’t you do anything?”
It was the obvious question to ask, and I knew him well enough to realize that he wanted to tell me the answer.
“Because as much as I hate that I’ve become a pawn in his game, it didn’t mean I wasn’t petty enough to play my own. You have no idea how gratifying it was to have a piece of you that he couldn’t have and keep dangling it in front of his nose, just out of his reach. And if I’m honest, giving in to him when he made a move on me felt like I was turning those exact same tables on you.”
I thought about that for a moment, and while it pissed me off, it didn’t make me change my mind.
“One thing is for sure. If we don’t make this work, we might as well check ourselves into therapy, because this shit can’t be healthy.”
“Agreed. And, as I said, I’m sorry, however pathetic and superfluous that sounds.”
I nodded, and he motioned for me to precede him on the way back into the main room.
It didn’t take long to wrap things up, and not ten minutes later we were standing at the curb waiting for a taxi, only inches between us, but it could have been miles. I’d texted Jack to meet us at the house, and while his reply hadn’t sounded enthusiastic, I was sure that he’d be there by the time we arrived. The few tidbits Simon had revealed kept zooming through my head, making it hard not to sink back into a bleak state of frustration and anger.
Then his fingers brushed against mine, making me jump but not withdraw my hand. He hesitated, looking down at our hands, then wrapped his around mine.
“I won’t lie to you. I can’t tell you that I love you, because that would be a lie. But it means the world to me that you do, and I could really get used to waking up next to you, each and every day.”
He offered me a smile then, small and weak, but it was a smile, and as the taxi finally pulled over, I managed to return it with one of my own.
Coming from anyone else, those words would have hurt me deeply, but while they still grated, they also warmed something inside of me that had been frozen since I walked out of that damn bathroom this morning.
And it got better still when we filed into the back of the cab and Simon leaned close so he could murmur a single word, just to me.
“Yet.”
Chapter 18
By the time we got home, Jack was already there, sitting on the front steps. The lights were on, so I presumed that he’d been inside before, but for whatever reason had chosen to wait for us. Simon just shot him a quick glance before he strode by him, so I stopped long enough to offer Jack a hand and pulled him along with me. When I realized that I was stalling, I let go of his hand quickly, though, trying not to upset the fragile balance by doing something stupid.
Once inside, I fired up the coffee maker, although the way my pulse was racing, I doubted that I could have fallen asleep if I’d tried.
“Anyone else want a cup? But only if you trust yourself not to turn it into a projectile. The last thing I need tonight is a trip to the burn ward.”
The guys both declined, making me wonder if they just didn’t want any, or whether I would have to play referee. The thought wasn’t as hilarious as it should have been, considering that the last time I’d grabbed a coffee here—and completely forgotten about it—they’d pretty much ganged up on me, and not in the way I liked.
Right then the kitchen held too many bad memories for me to want to have any conversation there, let alone one that would likely take up the better part of the night, so I shooed them on into the living room. Simon fell onto his usual seat on one side of the couch, Jack taking his a little more gingerly. Settling between them felt weird, so I opted for pushing stuff aside on the coffee table and sitting down there. It was hard and uncomfortable, and perfectly suited my mood.
Both of them were looking at me now, avoiding more than glances at each other, making me pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. This had all sounded way simpler inside my head. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to relax, not that it helped.
“Before we start this—one question. Has anyone said or done something to you that you feel is unforgivable, and consequently you’ve got no interest in working things out and are simply here because there hasn’t been enough shit flinging happening today yet?”
Simon’s lips started twisting into a smile but it never came to bloom, while Jack just stared at me with a jaded look on his face. Apparently that was as good as I’d get.
“Okay. Return question—do you want to work out some kind of compromise right now? Because I’m not doing this to myself if all we do is fight, and in the end postpone things to an infinite day later. I haven’t slept in over forty hours, and you can tear into each other without me, unless your intent is to blame me for something, and then you can just go fuck yourself straight away.”
Now they did exchange glances, making my brows shoot up.
“What?”
“If this wasn’t such a fucked up, miserable situation, I’d say that you’re damn hot when you’re angry.”
I glared at Jack until the smirk disappeared from his face.
“I’m serious. I’ve put up with too much bullshit from all of us, myself included, to let that go on any longer.”
Simon seemed surprised at my admission, making me sigh with frustration as I leaned forward, elbows on my knees.
“Look, I’m not stupid, or not that stupid. I know that I did my fair share to contribute to this mess. The way I see it, the main catalyst of this was lack of communication. And while I didn’t actively plot to play anyone’s insecurities against someone else’s, I internalized my doubts and shut anyone down who tried to get through to me. If I’d done what I always do and gotten right in your faces, none of this would have happened, or at least not escalated so fast.”
Jack looked less pleased than Simon with my conclusion, but apparently neither of them had any intention of doing any talking, so I forced myself to take the next step.
“There are two possible resolutions to this. Well, I guess in detail there are more, but two categories. Either we get our shit together and manage a kind of restart of what we’ve had going on for a while now, including all three of us in one way or another, or we reduce this to any possible kind of platonic friendships that at least I feel we’ve never had, not for a long time.” Looking first at Simon, then at Jack, I went on. “My own choice would be the former, but then I spend the least time available for any kind of social interaction, and I’m not living here.” Turning back to Simon, I hesitated for a moment, but then added the last part I still felt like cringing over. “Marcy told me today that she’s going to move in with her boyfriend, and I can’t support myself and the apartment alone. I could look for a new roommate, but it was hard enough to hash things out with Marcy in the first place.”
Simon nodded, pensive.
“How bad are you off?”
I shrugged.
“You know how much my student loans are because your education didn’t cost much less than mine?” He nodded. “Well, then add a hefty addition to that for my malpractice insurance, and I haven’t been able to pay back much more than interest in my loans over the last couple of years. I make enough to support myself, but not enough for more than a cubbyhole.”
I felt a little ticked off that he made me explain that, but Simon didn’t bat an eyelash.
“Move in with us. Whatever we end up making of this, we have room, and you don’t have to help with the rent if things get tight.”
“Just promise you won’t even try to cook!” Jack interjected, making Simon nod in agreement immediately.
“I guess… thank you for insulting my finer feminine qualities?”
Jack snorted.
“We both know that between the two of us, I’m the girl. You know how to operate machinery so coffee and microwave meals are options, but I t
hink I remember you burning water. Water! And I told you this would happen back in high school.”
“You only took home ec because of all the girls there!” I accused, remembering that conversation all too well.
“Yeah, well, that, too. Obviously.”
I rolled my eyes but had to fight the tears welling up in them immediately.
“Thanks, guys. I know you don’t have to do this, but it’s good to know that you have my back.”
Jack nodded, but Simon was biting his lower lip, and when I eyed him askance, he snorted.
“There might be ulterior motives involved. Do I really need to spell this out?”
That at least helped me get over my sappiness.
“Then we should get back to discussing that?” I proposed.
“Guess so,” Simon agreed.
I fell silent, trying to gather my thoughts.
“I don’t know what else to say,” I offered. “I hate this whole fucked up situation, and if there’s a way to clear it up, I’m all for it. Ball’s in your court now.”
Both guys focused on something between the floor and my knees, before Simon sent Jack a long glance that made Jack grimace. I couldn’t read the look on Simon’s face, but Jack seemed to have no such problems, and he didn’t sound happy as he picked up the thread from me.
“I get that I’m the black sheep in this. I deserve it, I know, yada yada. I know you both well enough to know that you both, in your own ways, will make me pay for this. Which is fair, I guess. I just have to be around for that to happen, and I’m not exactly sure how I can make up for instigating this. And it’s not like you both didn’t need a good slap in the face to get your own issues cleared up.”
It would have been so much easier to just brand him as the scapegoat and be done with it, but in true Jack fashion he managed to twist it all around just enough to spread the blame. That I agreed with him helped only so much.
Simon didn’t take his statement much better than I had.
“You could have done that by just telling us to stop being idiots, too. And neither of us set anyone up for disappointment, while you actively played us against each other.”
“And you were aware of that and didn’t lift a finger to stop me,” he pointed out.
Apparently, I’d been the only one completely in the dark of what had been going on, and that didn’t exactly help improve my mood. Simon glared back at Jack, but then looked away, clearly uncomfortable.
“So I’m human. Don’t act so surprised. It’s not like you’ve never lost your wits over anyone.”
That prompted Jack to look cross-eyed at him, as if he hadn’t really taken Simon’s previous statement earnestly.
“I would say I sympathize, but really, I don’t,” I said to no one in particular, and the fact that now both of them were looking guilty was at least a little amusing.
“How exactly did we slide into this mess?” Jack mused, but neither of us had an answer for him.
“We should perhaps start with clearing up what exactly we want, and what we can compromise on?” Simon proposed. “Short and long term options, if you want to, but I highly doubt that any big plans we come up with now will hold much longer than the weekend.”
“Shall I go first?”
Jack’s offer surprised me, and when both Simon and I nodded, he sagged deeper into the cushions of the couch, as if he had to force himself to go on, which wasn’t that unlikely, come to think of it.
“I think we’ve established that I’m an idiot.”
“Nothing new there,” I interrupted, incapable of keeping my nasty streak in check. Jack grunted, but otherwise ignored me.
“I guess I can live with reducing everything to a minimum if it means that you both don’t completely shut me out. Never thought I’d say this, but even after the stunt I’ve pulled, your friendship is worth a lot more to me than sex. Took being afraid that I’d lost you both for me to see that. I’m ready to promise you to change, but realistically speaking, neither of you will even buy that bullshit, and I’m not sure you’d still like me if I changed.”
“A little less conniving backstabbing might be nice,” Simon offered.
“And cut that pseudo possessive crap. It was kind of fun when you threatened a couple of guys who rubbed me the wrong way, but we’re not in high school anymore. Besides, I can take care of myself,” I added.
Jack listened to both of us in silence, and while I could tell that he burned to contradict me at the very least, he only inclined his head in agreement.
“Just let me know when I’m overstepping my limits. I will let you run face first into the wall next time without trying to stop you. Or shove you.”
“Much obliged,” Simon grumbled, then took over from Jack. “I honestly don’t know what to say. What I want mostly depends on what the two of you want to do with me.”
That created some obvious confusion, and he turned to Jack first.
“Just how much of this morning was real, and how much were you just screwing with me?”
Jack considered that for a moment, and he looked more guilty than uncomfortable.
“A lot more than I’m happy to admit. Not because I’m insecure about my sexuality or some shit, but it was easier to plan when I thought I was just manipulating you. It’s a lot harder to pull that off when shit suddenly gets real.”
Simon took that with a simple nod and a lack of emotion that would have driven me crazy if it was directed at me.
“I think that’s something we need to discuss between the two of us once I’m not itching to do the next best, most hurtful thing I can come up with to you, and I’m not talking about anything physical.”
For only a few words venom leaked into his voice, but it was enough to make Jack fidget. Simon turned to me then, and I got the feeling he’d started with the part that was easier for him when I realized that he was now internalizing that very spite.
“You seem to be mostly mad at Jack, but I deserve at least as much of your scorn as he does. Maybe not as a person, but as your Dom. I clearly let you down. I should never have let you withdraw like that, and I shouldn’t have used that insecurity of yours to ignore what else was going on. I don’t have any valid excuse. Like I just said, emotions can fuck you up and make you do weird things, but it was my responsibility to hold myself above that. Not because of some bullshit like emotions, feelings, or love have no place in the playroom, but simply because it was dishonest of me, and I have to put your safety and sanity over my own, which I didn’t. It’s more than enough that I’d understand it if you’d say that you don’t want to continue that part of our relationship, although I’d really miss it. I hope that you still want to be with me otherwise, because I would miss that more.”
There was a lot in that speech that I hadn’t seen coming, least of all the end. It kind of overwhelmed me, but as none of it made me want to get up and run, I figured that I already had my answer there.
“I don’t know exactly how I want to balance things between us,” I told Simon, then included Jack in the conversation. “Or all three of us. Particularly if I move in with you and have to deal with your everyday bullshit every day.” So maybe I wasn’t at my most eloquent today, but what I was trying to say clearly came across when both of them shared a quick, amused look. I took a moment to finish my coffee, then set the mug on the table behind me before I turned back to the guys, first addressing Jack.
“My beef with you is pretty obvious, and I’m sure we’ll find a way to resolve that. I hate to admit it, but there’s not much you can do that I won’t forgive, and since you got your head back out of your ass, I’d say we’ll get back on track. Just don’t do anything like that ever again to me, or even my puppy dog love for you won’t help you a second time.”
“Duly noted,” Jack murmured, looking a lot more relieved than his dry remark made it sound.
Turning to Simon, I caught his gaze and leaned closer, not sure how to articulate my feelings about him.
“I think
you’re taking this way more seriously than I am, which, all things considered, makes sense, I guess. Just don’t beat yourself up over it too much. It wasn’t all your fault.” He opened his mouth, ready to protest, but closed it again when I scowled. “Okay, let me rephrase that. Maybe it doesn’t bother me that much because since our last scene together, I’ve been mulling over what to do about all that, and I guess I’ve gone back to thinking of you more as my friend than my Dom.”
I let that sink in, studying his features carefully. Like Jack, he seemed relieved, but also a little bothered. Why that gave me a hint of satisfaction, I wasn’t sure, but it made going on much easier.
“We need to have that talk, no question. And I think we need to cut back on the intensity of what we do when we aren’t just fooling around.”
“But you want to continue,” he clarified.
“I do. Very much so. But if I’m going to see you every day, things have to change. And, let’s be honest—as much as I love what we do in the playroom, it pulled a number on me mentally, which in the end led to me ignoring Jack completely.” As much as I hated to admit it, that part of his accusation had been true.
Simon considered that for a moment, but turned to Jack rather than me.
“Can you give us a minute?”
“Let the grownups talk while I sulk in the background. Sure, why not?” he grumbled, but got up and left for the back hallway.
Simon waited until he’d heard the door to Jack’s room close before he started speaking again.
“How long do you intend to keep any sanctions up?”
I didn’t like the implication of that.
“Do you think I’ll let him off the hook just because I pretty much admitted that I’ve already forgiven him?”
Simon blinked, momentarily confused, then shook his head.
“I didn’t mean that as an accusation. And it’s not like you don’t have reason enough to accuse me of the very same thing.” He held my gaze while I considered that, then leaned back and hid his face in his hands. “I feel so fucking stupid it hurts. I also want to punch him like never before, but at the same time I’m so fucking glad that you’re both still around and that we’re having this conversation.”