by Lilly Wilder
“Misty,” I said, trying to take her attention away from Cal so that she wouldn’t say anything further to anger him. I’d already seen what he was capable of, and I didn’t want to risk him exploding with anger because Misty and I couldn’t fight him off, and Misty’s play partner definitely wasn’t in a position to fight back. “I thought you were in danger.”
“Why would you think that?” Misty replied innocently.
“Because you used our code word.”
“Yes, the code word for saying that I was going to get lucky and would be incommunicado for the rest of the night.”
I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. “You used the wrong damn code word.”
“Oh…sorry!” she said and giggled again. I sighed and pulled Cal out of the room.
“Are we just going to leave?” he said, a stunned look on his face.
“There’s nothing else to do. Misty looks like she’s got everything well in hand, and I don’t know what the deal is with that guy, but I don’t think he poses a threat to her. Look on the bright side, that could have been you.”
Cal still had a mystified look on his face as we left the house and walked back to his bike.
“I don’t think I’ll ever understand people,” he said.
“People are okay to understand, Misty is the one that takes some getting used to. I’ve been friends with her for years now and she always surprises me.”
“How can you cope with it?”
“Haven’t you ever had anyone in your life who drives you crazy, but you stand by them because they offer you more than that? Misty might be out there and forgetful, but I know that I can always count on her whenever I need someone to talk to. She’s the only person who knows all of my secrets, all of my flaws. She always knows the right thing to say and even though in a lot of ways we’re completely opposite people, she always wants the best for me and I’ve learned a lot from her. I hope that she’s learned a lot from me too. And I know exactly what’s going to happen. She’s going to come around tomorrow and she’ll laugh about the whole thing because that’s what Misty does.”
Cal had a look of silent understanding on his face. I imagined that he did have someone like Misty in his life. He swung his legs over the bike.
“Do you want me to drop you off back at the bar, or is your home near?”
I was taken aback by the abruptness of his offer. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want the night to end just yet. We’d both shared something unusual and I felt a connection forming between us. I wanted to know more about him.
“Or we could go and grab coffee, and maybe some pancakes? All this worrying makes me hungry,” I suggested. Cal considered it for a few moments and then said that he knew a diner. I suppressed a smile, not wanting him to know how happy that made me.
5
We drove down the road past the bar to an old diner that glowed neon in the dark light. There were a few cars and trucks parked outside, and I imagined that this was the next stop for those at the bar who wanted to fill their bellies with rich food and recover from the night’s debauchery, but at the moment, Cal and I were the only customers I could see. There was one weary waitress wiping down some tables and she announced that she’d be with us in just a few minutes.
We picked a booth by the window and I scanned the menu idly, but I wasn’t really hungry. The diner offered all the usual staples, but I just wanted coffee, and told the waitress as much when she came by. Cal was a little more adventurous and ordered a waffle.
“So I guess you didn’t envision your night ending like this,” I said, leaning over the table. The waitress brought our coffee over and looked at us scornfully. I guess she wasn’t too happy that we had interrupted her peace.
“Definitely not, but I’m glad how it ended up now. I think Misty might be a little too much for me,” he said, tucking into his waffle. He was going to take a bite out of it, then offered me some, but I held my hand up and declined.
“Yeah, she’s too much for a lot of guys,” I sighed.
“Does this happen a lot? I mean, if you have a code word it must have happened once before?”
“Not with Misty. It’s…it’s a long story. I’d rather not talk about it,” I said. My mind turned to that dark place and I pushed the sorrow deep inside me. Even though years had passed since that fateful night, I was still haunted by it. Sometimes I thought I’d never be able to forget what happened. “I need to ask you a question though, and I mean this seriously, what the hell were you thinking taking Misty to that bar? Why would you ever take a date there? It’s such a dive.”
Cal seemed to take it in better humor than he had before. He chewed and swallowed his waffle, took a sip of coffee, and then dabbed the corners of his mouth with a napkin.
“Okay, I take the point, but like I said, I’ve been out of the dating game for a while and it seemed as good a place as any. Misty wanted to be spontaneous so I didn’t really have much time to plan a date.”
“No, but even this place would have been better than that.”
“Okay! I get the point, it was just the first thing that came to mind. Like I said, it’s near where I work. I see it almost every day.”
“Where do you work?”
“On the construction site nearby, you probably saw it when we drove down the block. It’s not exactly glamorous work.”
That explained his strength and muscular physique then.
“No, but it’s honest work, and that counts for a lot in this day and age.”
“What about you? What do you do?”
“Me? I’m still kind trying to figure it out. I had hoped that I’d know it by now, but I think one of the lies people tell you when you’re growing up is that everyone has everything figured out. One of the biggest shocks was finding out that pretty much everyone is struggling through as best they can.”
“You didn’t actually answer my question.”
“Oh, I just work in an office. Hardly glamorous,” I said, mirroring his earlier words. “I’m just an assistant. It’s the kind of job I thought would just be a temporary thing while I figured out my real purpose in life, but that ‘thing’ has not presented itself.”
“Did you go to college?” He asked, and I gave him a slight nod. “ What did you study?”
“Illustration and Fine Art. I’d hoped to be an artist, but it hasn’t worked out that way and I’d always prepared myself for that, I just thought that eventually I’d get a break.”
“You never know, it might happen sooner or later. Some of these things just take more time than we’d like.”
“You got that right. But you seem to have things worked out. You happy in construction?”
“It pays the bills,” he said. I got the sense again that there was more to him, but his coy answers only served to increase my curiosity.
“So what happened with your ex?” I asked, bringing my mug of coffee to my mouth, holding it in two hands. He paused eating and stared back at me, his jaw slack and his eyes wide. “Come on, don’t look so shocked! It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened. You said that you’d been out of the dating game for a while. There must be a reason for that, and the only reason I can think is because of an ex.”
Cal continued eating and considered my question.
“Alright, I’ll tell you if you tell me why you and Misty have to use a code word.”
“That’s…that’s personal. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I can say the same about my private life, but if you want to know then this is the price.”
As he looked at me, his eyes gleamed and I gazed into the emerald depths of them. My breath caught in my throat once again and I had the unerring feeling that time was standing still. The secret I clung on to was one that only a few people knew about, and the only person I ever spoke about it with was Misty. To even consider telling Cal, who was little more than a stranger, went against the very core of my being. A
nd yet I was sorely tempted to tell him. I didn’t understand why. It was as though he had cast some spell or enchantment over me.
“Okay,” I found myself saying, and my head grew hazy with nerves. Cal nodded and wiped his hands, took a sip of coffee, and then began his tale.
“I was with someone a while ago, and at the time I thought we were going to be together for a long time, perhaps forever,” a wistful look came upon his face, “but as time passed, we started fighting more and we found we had more differences than similarities. I don’t know…maybe we had just spent too much time together. We both wanted different things out of life and in the end, we went our separate ways. I suppose saying it like that doesn’t really make it seem all that bad, but the day we said goodbye was the day a part of my heart was lost. I might not seem it given the way we met, but I’m a romantic at heart. I always thought that when I bonded with someone it was for life, so to have that taken away from me was very unsettling, and in truth I’m not sure I’m even over it now. Part of me would love to be like Misty and be able to flit from one relationship to another, but I’m not that type of person. What I feel, I feel deeply, and it takes a lot for me to move on.”
“How long has it been?” I asked, moved by the fact that it was as though I was speaking through him. Here was a man who felt exactly the same as I felt, and that was rare.
“Five years,” he said.
“Wow.” I couldn’t imagine being alone for five years. He was a handsome man, there would have been no shortage of offers, which meant that he had stayed alone for that time by choice. I admired him for that. I wasn’t sure if I could have been that strong. “Weren’t you tempted at all?”
“I’m only a man, of course I was tempted,” he replied, smiling, “but it felt like I’d be doing the other person a disservice. If I give myself to someone, I want to be able to give myself to them completely. If I can’t, it just seems like a waste. Is there any point in settling for second best when I’ve already experienced how wonderful and fulfilling true love can be?”
“I guess not…”
“But, after five years I was resigned to the fact that I would never rekindle my love and I knew that I had to move on. It wasn’t healthy for me to wallow by myself. I wanted to experience life again, so I went on Tinder and that led me here, although I don’t think I’ll be using it anymore.”
I chuckled. “I wouldn’t let Misty put you off dating forever. She’s one of a kind. God help the world if there was more than one version of her.” Cal laughed too.
“It’s not that, I just don’t think I’m cut out for the dating world. It all seems so shallow, the way you can just swipe past anyone you don’t want to meet. It leads people to reject others for the silliest of things, and I’d rather take my time and let things develop naturally, if anything is going to develop at all.”
“I agree completely. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve been born into the wrong generation because I’m not into the whole dating casually thing. I like being in a relationship and like you if I’m in one, I like to be in one that I can see lasting for a long time. I guess we have to console ourselves with being patient and hoping that the good things will come to those who wait,” I lifted my mug in a toast, and he clinked his against mine. The waitress came back with a refill and she took Cal’s empty plate away. I wasn’t ready for the night to end yet, and I got the feeling that Cal wasn’t either.
Maybe I was just projecting my feelings onto him, but I was convinced that I saw something reflected in his eyes. I was quite sure that I had never met a man like him before, and I couldn’t believe that Misty had turned him down. I knew why she did; it was because of what Cal had mentioned, the shallow aspect of dating. For people like Misty, the instant connection and spark was key. If they didn’t feel it, they believed that it was never going to be felt and simply moved on to the next person, but Cal and I knew that sometimes attraction took time to simmer and rise.
“Well, I’m sure that you’ll have better luck in the future,” I said.
“As will you, although, without making too much of a big deal out of it, you have more of a future than me,” he said.
“How old are you?” I asked.
“35,” he replied. I was a little taken aback because I had pegged him to be just a few years older than me at most, but he wore his age well and it didn’t bother me as much as he might have worried it did. I’d never bothered too much about ages. What was more important to me was the mentality and maturity of the person, and we definitely seemed to be on the same wavelength. I brushed it off and continued talking, although I wished I hadn’t, because he reminded me that I owed him a secret.
I tried to think of a way to squirm out of it, but I owed him and I wasn’t the type of girl to renege on my deals. All through my life, people had encouraged me to talk about it, but every time I went to speak about it I burst into tears. The only person I could confide in was Misty. I’d never told anyone else this directly, not even my boyfriends, which was why it was so surprising that I was willing to tell Cal, a man I had just met. But maybe it was a sign. Maybe all this had happened for a reason. Maybe in some bizarre way, Misty had arranged this date and blown him off because she knew that I would come after her and that Cal and I would hit it off.
“Are you sure you want to know? It has been known for me to cry when I talk about this, so if you’re uncomfortable with the tears of a woman then I’d advise you to step away now.”
“After this much build up I’m not going anywhere,” he said, leaning back and clasping his hands together, a trace of a smug look on his face. I raised my eyebrows and knew that the smug look would be wiped from his face soon. This wasn’t an easy secret to tell, and part of the reason why I’d kept it so hidden was because I didn’t want other people to look at me differently. I didn’t need their pity. I guess I had to tell someone at some point though, so it might as well be Cal. I always found it curious why it was easier to tell a stranger or a distant acquaintance a deep dark secret or fear than it was to tell someone close to you. Maybe it was because we don’t want to show the people closest to us how weak and fragile we are, maybe it’s because we don’t want their judgment or for it to affect our relationships. Maybe there’s an element of truth to both of them, either way, I knew that if I told Cal and he reacted badly it wouldn’t matter because I probably won’t see him again. We were just two strangers sharing stories, and when the morning sun dawned we could return to our ordinary lives and never speak to each other again.
The funny thing was, I didn’t want that to happen. Now that I’d started speaking to Cal, I didn’t want to stop. I took a deep breath and told him about the events that had transpired about fifteen years ago.
“My parents split up when I was very young. I didn’t really know my Dad. He worked a lot and I guess it was just too much trouble to see me, so for a long time it was just Mom and I. But of course, Mom started to get lonely and she wanted to date again. She’d made it very clear that she wasn’t looking for anyone to be a Dad to me, she just wanted someone for herself, and she hoped that whoever she chose I’d like as well. I wasn’t too enthused about it, but it wasn’t like I had much say in the matter. It was her life after all. She dated a few guys but these never lasted long enough for me to meet them. I think that despite everything she said she was protective of me and wanted to make sure that any guy she dated was going to be a good influence on me. I guess I feel a little guilty for that, like, if I hadn’t been around she’d probably have been able to date a good man. Anyway, one night she went out on this date and,” my voice faltered as I grew closer to talking about the events of that fateful night. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault, that nothing I could have done would have prevented it, the same things I’d been telling myself every day ever since it happened, but I still didn’t believe myself.
“Danni?” Cal said gently, nudging my hand. I jerked my head and apologized. Concern was etched on his face. “You kn
ow what, on second thought, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to tell me.”
“No, no,” I said firmly, “it’s okay. I want to tell you this. I need to.” I breathed in deeply, closed my eyes, and continued speaking. “She went out on a date with a new guy, someone she had met randomly. It was business as usual and I was just doing my homework, but then she didn’t come home, and that wasn’t like my Mom. I waited and waited, getting more nervous and scared by the second, until I had no choice but to call the police.”
I paused, having to stop myself from shaking. Speaking about it was bringing back all the memories again that had been suppressed for so long. The fear, the anxiety. I was back to being that little girl who just wanted her mom to be okay.
“My voice was trembling as I spoke to them. They asked me questions, most of which I didn’t know the answer too, but the woman on the other end of the line was very patient and calming. She got what she needed and said that she was sending someone over right away to look after me. When they finally arrived at my house, my heart leaped because I thought they’d have news of my Mom. They didn’t. The man they sent was so big he seemed to fill up the room when he entered, and I could tell from the way he spoke that my Mom was in trouble. It was just that feeling, you know? Like you can always tell when someone is hiding something from you. I think you get a good sense of that when you’re a kid. Anyway, we waited and I wasn’t sleeping and all I wanted was to see my Mom again, but as the time passed, my heart sank. Then he got a call and when he came back into the room, I could tell something bad had happened. And that was it. That was the night my life changed and I became terrified of going on dates. I guess that’s why all the relationships I’ve been in have been with people I’ve gotten to know first. I could never do what Misty does.”
Cal listened to me patiently and once I’d finished speaking, I suddenly felt self-conscious. He barely knew me, and there I was shoveling all my past misery onto him. I turned my gaze away and wished I hadn’t said anything.