by Jodi McIsaac
“Are you kidding me? No way,” Jane protested, looking at Cedar for backup.
“We are grateful for the assistance you’ve provided,” Rohan said. “However, from this point on, this needs to remain a family matter. Having one outsider is going to prove difficult enough.” He looked at Cedar when he said this, and she bristled at the insinuation.
“Cedar, I am not leaving you alone with these people. Tell him I’m staying,” Jane demanded.
“Of course you can stay,” Cedar said. “She’s staying,” she snapped at Rohan. “Now tell me more about Nuala. She told Eden that Finn sent her. Did he?”
“No, Cedar,” Riona said, her face anxious. “I can assure you, Finn had nothing to do with this. Nuala must have just been using him as a way to get Eden to go with her.”
“Then why does she want Eden? If she just wanted her to open a sidh, she didn’t have to take her.”
As she had half-expected, the faces in the room all turned toward Rohan. “We’ve told you all we can right now” was all he said in response.
“You haven’t told me anything at all!” Cedar shrieked, her fear and frustration boiling over. “You’re all just sitting here! You say I shouldn’t involve the police, yet you spent the whole night searching and came up with nothing! Now we know it wasn’t an accident. Eden was kidnapped by one of your people, and I want to know why! How else am I supposed to find her? Tell me, damn it! This is all your fault!” She punctuated her last few words with a series of hard punches against Rohan’s chest. Then she stepped back, breathing hard.
When he spoke, there was no anger in his voice, but rather something akin to pity. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, it is our fault. And so it is we who will take full responsibility for fixing our mistake. There is no need for you to be involved any further. We are perfectly capable of finding Eden and returning her to safety. And when we have done that, we will take full responsibility for her. She needs to be raised as part of this family—her true family.”
Cedar’s face was a storm of emotion, and her voice was low and dark when she spoke. “You’ll take full responsibility for her? Part of this family? I. Am. Her. Family. I’m all the family she needs.”
“Rohan, this is hardly helpful,” Riona said as she stepped between them. “Cedar, what he means is that we will help you with Eden. We’ll teach her about who she is and her place in our world. You won’t have to worry about her.”
“No. I’m done with this bullshit. Get the hell out of my house. Now.”
“Cedar,” Riona began, but the others had already started heading toward the door.
Nevan walked over to Riona. “It’s her place,” she said with an almost respectful glance at Cedar. “And she’s right, we’re just sitting here. We’ve got to get moving if we’re going to track down Nuala before she gets too far.” One by one, they left. Cedar slammed the door behind them and turned to face Jane.
“Holy shit, Ceeds,” Jane said. “Who are those people? What kind of spell did that woman put on me? Is she a witch or something?”
“I don’t know,” Cedar said. She grabbed fistfuls of hair and pulled. “I feel like I’m losing my mind. But this is happening—it’s real. And the magic is real too. Damn it, Jane, I need those people. They know Nuala, and I can’t find Eden without them! But my mother says I shouldn’t trust them, and I’m so angry and scared and confused. What should I do?”
Jane hugged her tight. “I don’t know. I would have thrown them out too. But yeah, maybe you do need them. In any case, you’re not going to find Eden if you drive yourself mad. You need to focus—and rest. Why don’t you lie down for a bit, get some sleep. Then we’ll decide what to do next.”
Sleep was the last thing on Cedar’s mind. But she nodded to Jane and went into her door-less room. She sat in the back corner of the walk-in closet, where she curled up into a ball and dissolved like a sand castle hit by a ten-foot wave. She writhed in pain, her mouth open in a soundless scream. Over and over again, she drew her knees up to her chest, trying to stem the flow from what she was sure was a fatal wound. Eden’s gone, she’s gone, and it’s all my fault. Eventually, her voice clawed its way to the surface and her moans and cries ripped through the air. Then Jane was there beside her, holding her together, and the two of them cried and clung to each other for what felt like hours. When Cedar finally lifted her head from her hands, she saw that Jane had fallen asleep on the floor beside her. She got up stiffly and covered her friend with a blanket.
She felt completely spent, but her mind was clearer than it had been all day. She picked up her phone and her purse and headed out the door. She stood still for a moment in the hallway, then went back inside and wrote a note for Jane saying she had gone out, and then another one for Eden.
Eden,
Call me. Stay here. I love you.
Mum
She laid the notes on the table and headed back into the hallway and down the stairs. The fresh air hit her in the face like a splash of cold water. She looked at the time. It was already late afternoon.
She started walking downtown but reversed her course and headed in the other direction, toward Eden’s school. She walked by the library on the way and went inside, but the memory of coming through the sidh with Eden made her stomach recoil, and she quickly retreated.
She dug out her phone and called Maeve. It rang several times, and she had already started formulating a message in her mind to leave on the voice mail when Maeve suddenly picked up.
“Cedar?” she asked, breathing heavily as if she had run for the phone. “What is it? Have you found her?”
“No, but we know who took her. Where have you been? Why haven’t you called?”
“Someone took her? What do you know?”
Cedar recounted what had happened between Rohan and Jane, and the conclusion they had reached about Nuala. When she finished, there was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
“Dear God,” Maeve finally whispered.
“Mum, they seem sure that Nuala has Eden, but they didn’t say why, except that she wants Eden to open a sidh. Do you know anything more?”
“No, I don’t. But we need to find out,” Maeve answered. “Where are you now? Are you with them?”
“No,” Cedar said. The fresh air had cleared the last vestiges of cobwebs from her mind, and she knew what she had to do. “They all left. Well, I threw them out. But they know Nuala; I can’t do this without them. I’m going to call Riona. But first I’m coming over, okay? You said you have ways to find her, and I want to help.”
“You can’t, Cedar. I’m not at my apartment right now,” Maeve said.
“Well, where are you, then? I can meet you anywhere,” Cedar said, her voice rising in frustration.
“It doesn’t matter. Look, I made it very clear what I think of you being involved with those people, but if you insist upon it, the least you can do is keep me informed of what they’re doing. They may have some use,” she said acidly. “If you find out any new information about Nuala, call me at once.”
Maeve hung up, and Cedar stared at the phone in her hands. She sat down abruptly on one of the swings in the school playground, wondering if anything in her world was as it seemed. She leaned back on the swing and looked up at the sky, dotted with white, puffy clouds that seemed totally out of place on such a day. Hang in there, Eden, she thought. I’m going to find you. Then she dialed Riona’s number.
It was getting dark when Cedar pulled up at the Fox and Fey. She walked around the back and was relieved to discover she could still see the descending stairs, even without Oscar’s buoyant presence. She hesitated at the big wooden door, wondering if she should knock. Then she squared her shoulders and shoved her way inside.
She stood still for a moment as her eyes adjusted to the near darkness. She noticed a couple of clusters of people sitting in the corners of the pub but couldn’t make out who they were. Then she heard a voice coming from behind the bar.
“Cedar, m’dear! Get yerself ov
er here so I can pour you a drink.”
She headed to the bar, where the friendly face of the barkeeper waited for her.
“What’s yer pleasure, then?” he asked.
“Just coffee, please. It’s Felix, right?”
The old man grinned, a wide smile punctuated by two gold teeth and one black one, as he turned around and grabbed a carafe and a mug.
“You’ve got it right,” he said. “Felix Dockendorff at your service, ma’am.” He placed a steaming cup of coffee in front of her and plunked down a bowl of creamers and sugar. “How about some food, then? I make a mean fry-up.”
“No, thanks,” Cedar said, taking a creamer. Her stomach, already tied in knots, revolted at the thought of food.
He patted her hand and leaned forward, speaking in a voice just above a whisper. “Listen, I just want to say that I’m real sorry about yer troubles.”
Cedar wasn’t sure what to say, so she settled on, “Oh.”
Felix nodded gravely and continued. “But don’t you worry, m’dear. We’ll fix things up right, don’t you doubt it for a second.”
Cedar stirred cream into her coffee and watched it swirl into beige. “Yeah. Speaking of which, do you know where Rohan and Riona might be? I called, and then I went by their place, but no one was home. That’s why I came here; it was the only other place I knew to look.”
“Aye, they’re on their way here as we speak. Should be here any minute now.”
Cedar thanked him and continued stirring her coffee. She wondered where he was from. He spoke with an odd sort of accent, but she couldn’t quite place it. One minute he sounded as if he were from Scotland, the next from the American South. Maybe he had moved around a lot as a kid, she mused, but she thought it would be rude to ask.
The bar suddenly grew lighter and she saw the door open in the mirror behind the rows of bottles. Cedar recognized Murdoch and Anya from earlier, followed by Rohan and Riona, Finn’s brother, Dermot, and his sister, Molly.
Riona came over to hug Cedar. “Cedar! I’m sorry we didn’t return your calls yet. We’ve been very busy, but I’m glad you’re here.”
“We need to talk,” Cedar said without ceremony. She stood up and looked at Rohan. “I’ve had some time to think, and I hope you have too. There are a lot of things I don’t understand, but the most important issue right now is finding my daughter.”
She waited in case he wanted to say something, but when he remained silent, she continued.
“I don’t want to hear any more talk about you taking responsibility for her. I’m her mother. No matter how important you think Eden is to you and your people, she’s”—Cedar’s voice broke and she paused to regain control—“she’s a thousand times more important to me. But I do want your help. I need your help, and you need mine too. I know her better than any of you. You don’t know her at all. So, with you knowing Nuala and me knowing Eden, maybe we can work together to find them.”
She paused again, but still no one spoke, so she took a deep breath and soldiered on. “When we find her, she’s staying with me, even if she is one of your people. But if you’ll actually tell me who you are and why Eden is so important to you, I might be open to letting her get to know you, if she wants. But if I can’t trust you, I’m not letting her get within a mile of you. And keeping me in the dark about what’s really going on is not doing a whole lot to gain my trust. So…what’s it going to be?”
She sat back down on the barstool and picked up her coffee cup, just for something to do with her hands. She stared at Rohan over the rim of her mug. She had said her piece, and the ball was in his court now. There was silence.
Finally, Nevan, whose presence Cedar hadn’t even noticed, spoke up. “Makes sense to me,” she said. Cedar felt a rush of gratitude toward her.
“Now wait just a minute,” came another, more hostile voice, and Cedar bristled inwardly. Murdoch was striding toward the middle of the room.
“Don’t go making any promises we can’t keep,” he growled at Rohan, ignoring Cedar completely. “That child’s rightful place is with us.”
Anya joined her husband’s side. “I agree,” she told Rohan. “Think about it, about what this could mean. She could be—”
Rohan cut her off before she could finish her sentence. “That’s enough,” he said. “I am aware of what the child means.”
Cedar stood up again. “See? This is exactly what I’m talking about! What does she mean? How am I supposed to trust you if you know something about my daughter but won’t tell me what it is?”
Rohan looked at her, and there was great sadness in his eyes. “Cedar,” he said, and paused, “I am truly sorry for what has happened to you. It’s…it’s a tragedy, there’s no other word for it. We will find Eden, but we can’t tell you everything we know. There is too much at risk. It’s best if you go home now. We’ll contact you when we find her.”
Cedar sat motionless as she processed his words and struggled to find her own to use as a weapon against them.
Riona looked at her husband. “Rohan, are you sure? None of this is her fault. I don’t think alienating her is going to help anyone.”
“She’ll just get in the way,” Murdoch argued. “Someone will have to keep an eye on her.”
“Yes, but it’s her daughter we’re looking for. What’s she supposed to do, just go home and do nothing? Would you?” Riona shot back.
“It might be safer for her that way,” said a voice from the other side of the room, and Cedar recognized Sam from that morning.
She listened to them argue, but it didn’t matter. They weren’t going to keep her from finding Eden, or from getting answers. She cleared her throat and stood, ready to tell them that if they wouldn’t help her, she would just do it on her own, when suddenly the back door to the kitchen swung open and all the oxygen in the room went out.
Everyone in the bar froze. Felix was the first one to speak. He addressed the ashen-faced young man with a headful of messy curls and unmistakable golden eyes standing in the doorway.
“Welcome home, Finn. Can I pour you a drink?”
CHAPTER EIGHT
Cedar stood perfectly still, unable to move. Since Eden’s disappearance, she had almost forgotten that she had been trying to find Finn, and now here he was, standing not ten feet away from her. She felt blood rush to her cheeks. Her body started to tremble, and for a few panicked moments she thought she had forgotten how to breathe. Then her lungs remembered and her heart started pounding, hard and fast, as if it were trying to escape the confines of her chest and leap across the room.
Finn was ignoring Felix’s question and staring at Cedar. His face hadn’t changed since the last time she saw him, only now it was filled with longing. His eyes bore into hers so intensely she had to look away. Cedar had imagined this scene a thousand times in a thousand different ways. She had imagined running into him on the street, or answering the door to find him standing there, or seeing him across a crowded art gallery in a foreign city. She had imagined what she would say to him—she would tell him how much she loved him and how sorry she was for whatever she had done to make him leave, and she would beg him for an explanation, for a chance to make things right.
But it had been years since she’d given up hope of ever seeing him again. Longing had turned into anger; despair into resolve. Life had turned into survival. Now, she had no idea what to say to him.
“They told me about Eden,” he said, his voice a whisper. “I came to help. I got here as soon as I could. Cedar…I’m so sorry.”
When she still said nothing, Finn looked at his father and said, “What are you doing? Why are you sending her away? She needs to know what’s going on.”
Rohan looked affronted. “Fionnbharr, this isn’t—”
“You don’t think I get a say in all of this?” Finn said. His cheeks flushed, and his eyes flashed. “Cedar is Eden’s mother. She needs to know the truth.”
Rohan crossed the floor to his son. “You don’t understand.”
>
“I don’t understand?” Finn interrupted. His voice cracked through the room like a whip. “Who here understands her better than I do? My daughter has been taken, and Cedar needs to know why.”
Perhaps it was the way he said the word my, or maybe it was his assumption that he understood her, but Cedar felt as though someone had thrown a switch inside her. She could hear the blood rushing in her ears and found her feet moving toward him. His face softened, and then tensed in confusion as she crossed the room. Her palm hit his cheek with a resounding smack, and she felt the pain of it shoot up her arm. When she spoke, even she was surprised by the hostility in her voice.
“Don’t,” she said. “Don’t call her your daughter. You think you understand me? You think I’m still the same person you left?” She felt hot, angry tears prick her eyes and struggled to hold them back. “Don’t you dare call yourself her father.”
Finn’s face twisted in agony. “Cedar,” he whispered, the softness of his voice a sharp contrast to hers. “I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know about her.”
“And whose fault is that?” she demanded hotly. “I tried to tell you. I tried to find you. Seven years of nothing. I didn’t even know if you were still alive.”
“It was for the best,” he pleaded. “I can explain everything. I’m sorry, and you’re right, I don’t know what you’ve been through, but trust me—it would have been worse if I had stayed.”
“Trust you?” Cedar screamed, and then laughed sardonically. She was starting to feel quite hysterical. “Why would I trust you, Finn? You left me with nothing!”
“You had Eden,” he said quietly. “She wasn’t nothing.”
“AND NOW SHE’S GONE!”
Cedar swayed on her feet, suddenly exhausted beyond belief. Someone placed a barstool under her and she sat down hard, and then promptly burst into tears. Riona and Nevan rushed over to her, but she hid her face in her hands and turned away from them. She felt so completely overwhelmed, so desperately alone in this room of strangers. She felt ashamed of her outburst, startled by the intensity of her anger. This was not the reunion she had dreamed of.