by Zoey Draven
Even though she knew she’d probably never wear it now, she still took it with her. Tavak wouldn’t want it back and she’d bury it in the back of her dresser so she’d never have to look at it again. The pretty, ridiculous thing that never should’ve been hers to begin with.
When she’d packed up her stuff and slung her travel sack over her shoulder, she took a deep breath and returned to the main room of the jivera.
Tavak was still standing, rooted, in the same place she’d left him. Her eyes were greedy, soaking him in, her chest heavy and aching. When she reached him, a part of her desperately wanted to kiss him. Just one last kiss.
But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She didn’t want to kiss him knowing that he didn’t return her feelings. At least before, she’d had the blissful ignorance of hope. Now she knew better and kissing him now made her feel like she was being selfish.
She didn’t know what to say but eventually murmured, “I’ll…I’ll see you around.”
It felt so impersonal, given the last couple weeks. But she was running on auto-pilot. And she just needed to get the hell out of there.
As for Tavak…he didn’t say anything at all. His eyes were swirling, perhaps the fastest she’d ever seen them. A maelstrom. A storm.
In the end, he pulled the door open for her. His own goodbye.
I need more than this, she knew. I need more than he’s willing to give me. I deserve more.
It was that thought that gave her the strength to leave.
And she did walk away from his jivera with her head held high.
It was only when she returned to Reji’s—to her little, dark room at the top of the stairs, where she hadn’t slept in over a week—that she fell apart.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“You seem…” Ravu started, his tone edged in hesitation. “You seem quiet.”
Tavak almost snorted. He’d always been quiet. But he knew what his brother meant.
“I thought…” Ravu trailed off again and Tavak felt a spike of impatience.
“Out with it,” he barked. He’d been barking and snapping all week. Like a feral animal.
Ravu scowled, shaking his head. “Never mind.”
Tavak had been in a black, foul mood all week. From morning to night. He felt like he was drowning. He felt untethered.
But Ravu didn’t deserve his ire and his bad temper. No one did except Tavak himself.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured after a lengthy pause, sliding a hand down his face. He debated what to say. Ravu knew about Stella. Tavak had told him that they’d been involved during their last call. “It’s been a difficult week,” he finally said.
Yikerza’s departure had been the only bright spot during the whole length of it, even though it had cost him credits and a lot of them.
And a week without Stella was proving to be…bleak.
So vauking bleak.
A week without stepping foot in Reji’s bar, a week without seeing her smile or hearing her beautiful laugh, a week without her soft touch or the way her eyes lit up whenever she saw him…
Vauk.
His chest was tightening just thinking about it.
He’d seen her once throughout the week. In passing, though even he would admit he’d taken to hanging out around the city center for longer than was necessary. Lingering, if only to catch a glimpse of her if he could.
She’d been shopping for her food at one of the vendors and he’d been coming from port after dropping off a shipment of firestones.
Their eyes had met briefly. Stella’s lips had parted and Tavak had frozen in the middle of the road. They’d stared at one another for a short moment that had somehow felt like an eternity and then the food vendor was handing Stella her produce—Dumerian roots and a jar of her favorite dried tea leaves—and she’d looked away.
Tavak had waited in the middle of the road but she’d never glanced his way again. She’d turned back to Reji’s and quickly disappeared into the afternoon crowd milling around the city center that day.
And Tavak had returned to the labs with heavy hearts and a knot in his throat.
“What happened?” Ravu asked, bringing him back to the crackling, blue-ish Coms screen in the labs.
Tavak leaned back in the chair.
“I hurt her,” he said quietly. “Like I always knew I would.”
“Veki,” Ravu said, shaking his head. “You expected to hurt her. And so you did. It’s not the same.”
Tavak blinked at the words, swallowing them down hard.
“I worry about you,” Ravu said gently, after a lengthy silence.
Tavak’s brow furrowed. “You don’t need to worry about me.”
His brother blew out a long breath, reminiscent of a human sigh and not the short huff that Keriv’i were usually known for.
“You have never had anyone worry for you, Tavak,” Ravu said, frowning. “You have always done the worrying. I think it’s past time to let others care for you.”
Just the idea made him fidget in his seat. “That’s not necessary.”
“I know about Yikerza,” Ravu said, throwing him a pinched look, as if it highlighted his point completely. “And I know why you wouldn’t want me to know. But I deserved to know, don’t you think? Because you’re my brother. You thought you were protecting me by not telling me but what you fail to realize is that I don’t want to be protected. I want to help you. I want to support you. You don’t always have to go through this life alone, shouldering all the burden. Aren’t you tired?”
For a moment, Tavak was at a loss for words. Because he’d heard a similar sentiment from Stella not a week ago.
And I think we can really have something together but only if you trust me. Only if you let me in, she’d said, pleading with him.
When Tavak didn’t reply, Ravu said softly, “You don’t even have to tell me about what happened between you and her because I think I already know.”
There was disappointment in his brother’s voice. A tone he’d never really heard before.
Another long sigh blew out from Ravu. His head turned away from the screen, seeming to scan around his room on Haase’s ship.
“We’ll be arriving on Dumera soon. In two days’ time,” Ravu told him. “We’ll only be staying overnight to pick up the next shipment. The buyer wants the firestones quickly.”
Tavak wondered if it was Khiva that had told Ravu about Yikerza. Or Dravka, perhaps.
Tavak nodded and said gruffly, “I’ll meet you at port when you arrive.”
He wondered if Stella would be there as well. To greet Haase and her old crewmates.
Ravu nodded. “I’ll see you then, brother.”
When the Coms call ended, Tavak sat back and listened to the quiet of the labs. Only he remained. All the workers had gone to their mates or to their empty beds or to their drinking taverns for the night. Dravka and even Khiva had left hours ago.
But Tavak remained because he hadn’t been sleeping. He had avoided his jivera because he could still smell her everywhere. Her lingering scent only reminded him that she was no longer there. No longer in his bed, in his arms, on his tongue.
He cursed, standing, feeling the buzzing sensation of longing for her under his skin.
I thought to ruin her? Tavak thought, despair rising in his chest.
It was the other way around.
She’d ruined him.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Reji sat in front of her, large and imposing. His hair was cropped short, a purple so dark that it almost matched Stella’s own black hair. His lavender skin had a pleasing iridescent shimmer to it, one she’d always been mesmerized by. And even in his advancing age, the Reku’io male could probably break her in half, if he so chose.
But his eyes were tinged with concern right then.
“I understand,” he finally said, sitting at one of the rickety stools in his own bar as Stella fidgeted with her hands behind the counter. “Of course I understand.”
“It�
�s only for a few weeks,” Stella rushed to tell him, hoping that she’d still have a job to return to when she got back. “But I need a break. I need to get away from Dumera for a little while.”
“And you’re coming back?” Reji asked, the words slow.
“Yes,” Stella said, nodding, nibbling on her bottom lip. “I am.”
Because she still believed that she could make a home here on Dumera. She didn’t want to get chased away from that dream just because a male didn’t love her back. She’d chosen Dumera and she intended to stay.
But it was obvious that she needed a little getaway. A short break from the colony. Just to heal her heart and get her head on straight. Seeing Tavak in the city center felt like a knife plunged into her chest, stealing her breath, and making regret rear its ugly head.
A few weeks on Haase’s ship would be a welcome reprieve. She hadn’t told him yet that she was planning to join him on the next stint but he would always welcome her with open arms. He always kept her old quarters for her, ready and waiting, and had them cleaned weekly, just in case.
He’d be overjoyed—and a little worried—to hear she was coming back, if only for a short while. She was looking forward to it.
“Truthfully, Stella,” Reji said, sliding those massive arms across the bar counter, his hands making steeples, “I—I might not be here when you return.”
Her chest squeezed.
“I wanted to tell you in person,” Reji continued. “My son and his mate are expecting their first offspring.”
Even though his previous words filled her with dread, she gave the Reku’io a smile. “That’s wonderful news.”
Even though the Reku’io male was trying to hide his elation, he did it poorly. Stella had always known that Reji’s family came first. His son—and his mate—lived on another colony in the Second Quadrant. Though his son was born on Dumera, he hadn’t stayed, a fact that had always cut Reji. It was why Reji went to see him so often, leaving Stella in charge.
“You’re selling the land,” Stella guessed, swallowing. “And the bar.”
The hesitant short incline of his head made Stella want to cry. Because even though she complained about the long hours and bemoaned having to unload the heavy shipments by herself and the shit pay…Stella loved this place. She loved taking care of it. She loved the patrons, whose names and stories she knew.
This place felt familiarly wonderful. Like home.
The realization that it would be gone soon was…hard to swallow. Especially after her terrible week.
“You won’t change your mind?” Stella asked. “Even if I take over everything once I get back?”
“My mind is made up,” Reji told her. “Dumera isn’t my home anymore. The bar is my last tie here and I don’t want to be tethered to this place when my grandchild is born. My home is with my family.”
It was difficult to hear.
But Stella said, “I understand.”
“Once I sell it, I want you to have a portion of the credits from the sale,” Reji told her, reaching out to cup her hand across the counter. “Because you’ve been of great help to me, Stella. I won’t forget your hard work. And I hope it will buy you time once you return, to find new employment.”
Stella might have to rethink everything now. She’d discovered how difficult it had been to find work on Dumera when she’d first arrived. Reji’s had been one of her last chances if she didn’t want to go work in the mines. With the influx of residents on Dumera, finding another job would be next to impossible, unless a position at the firestones lab opened up.
But then I would have to see Tavak even more, she thought, knowing that was out of the question.
“Will you be all right?” Reji asked, concern tinging his voice.
She didn’t quite know what he was asking, but she plastered on a small smile and said, “Of course. That’s very generous of you.”
She had a small pile of credits that she’d never touched. Her mother’s savings. It had seemed wrong, even though by universal laws they were hers by right.
Or Haase.
Haase would buy her the land from Reji if she asked him. The male could well afford it, but then again, Stella had always turned down his offers of financial help. And Haase had understood. She was her mother’s daughter, after all. She had a stubborn and independent streak running through her too and she’d been determined to strike out on her own. To support herself, to prove to herself that she could.
Well, that determination was crumbling around her slowly.
A large part of her just wanted to tuck in her tail, slink back to Haase’s ship, and never leave it again.
Haase would only welcome her with open arms…even though she knew he would be quietly concerned.
No, she would go on like how she planned.
She would still get away from Dumera for a short while, try to fall out of love with a maddening Keriv’i male who she dreamed about nightly, and then when she felt like her old, unattached self, she would return. Maybe then, merely seeing Tavak in the streets wouldn’t make her feel like crying. She would seek out new work—maybe one of the vendors needed help or maybe Eve could recommend her for work at the archives—and if she truly, truly struck out, then she would reassess her future on Dumera.
And if she had to leave, then at least she would know she’d tried. Stella always tried, even when she knew failure was likely.
“I’ll be fine,” she told Reji, hearing the quiet confidence in her voice when she said the words.
The Reku’io male seemed to hear it too because a look of relief passed over his sharp, pointy features. His yellow teeth flashed, contrasting with his lavender skin, oddly beautiful.
“Good,” he said. “I’m glad to hear it.”
“But I’ll leave it to you to tell your patrons about the bar closing,” Stella said, giving him a look of pity.
Reji groaned.
Haase’s vessel docked into port the next day, earlier than expected, but welcome. She hadn’t greeted him at port, but he’d surprised her at the bar that afternoon, walking in while she was scrubbing the floors and Reji was polishing goblets behind the counter.
Seeing him brought a flood of unexpected tears and she’d leapt into his warm embrace, clinging to him, happy.
When they were in private, she told him her plans. That she wanted to join him for his next stint. And just as she’d suspected, he’d welcomed her without hesitation but she didn’t miss the way his brows furrowed, how his gaze lingered on her with concern when he thought she wasn’t looking.
“We leave in the morning,” he’d told her. “Will you be ready then?”
“Yes,” she’d replied. “I already told Reji.”
She didn’t tell him about Reji’s plans for the bar. She didn’t want to worry Haase. And the Killup male had nodded and told her he would be happy to have her back on board, even if it was only for a short time.
Briefly, as Stella tossed and turned in her bed that night, she thought about telling Tavak that she was leaving. But then she immediately dismissed the thought. It wasn’t like she was leaving for good. Besides, they weren’t really anything to one another anymore. From acquaintances to friends to lovers…now, it didn’t seem like they were any of those things.
After a sleepless night, before the sun even rose, Stella found herself up and packed. She said goodbye to Reji’s bar because she knew she wouldn’t be returning here. He would have already sold it by then, surely.
Then she made the long walk to port, navigating the dark road by the setting moon.
Before she knew it, she was wandering old halls and corridors she knew like the back of her hand. She swore she could still hear the echoes of her mother’s laugh.
Before she knew it, she was standing in her old room, her wide window overlooking the stretch of the Dumerian port, which was quiet and—mostly—empty. Her room was just as she’d left it, albeit a little more sterile-feeling.
Yet, strangely, it felt like nothing had c
hanged.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Tavak listened to the quiet and he listened hard.
The silence seemed to buzz in his ears, loud and discomforting, when all he’d ever wanted was that quiet.
He stood at the window in the sitting room of his jivera, remembering how he’d used to look out his window on Everton. That small little window, the only portal to a world outside the brothel. Sometimes, he still thought it odd that he could just…leave. Leave his jivera. Walk outside, walk into town. Whenever he wanted. Whenever he pleased.
And yet, that quiet morning, he felt trapped inside all over again. Unmoving and stationary and that damn silence wouldn’t leave him alone.
Ravu had left a few days before. His brief visit back to Dumera had been comforting. Tavak had felt relief he was safe, his feet planted to the earth once more. But Tavak also sensed that excitement in Ravu, excitement to return to space. He seemed to have found his purpose and Tavak realized on his short visit back that he was happy for his brother, even if it did fill the jivera with more quiet than usual.
Stella hadn’t come to port to see Haase and the crew off. Tavak had looked for her, thinking that it would be an opportunity to speak with her, but she’d never showed. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was because she knew he’d be there to see Ravu off that she’d stayed away. The thought left him with a bad taste in his mouth. He didn’t want to be the cause of her discomfort. Quite the opposite, in fact. But he should’ve known that this was how it’d be.
He’d seen her the afternoon before Ravu left, however. Shortly after Haase arrived, the two brothers had been walking through town. Ravu had needed to stock up on some supplies at the market and so they’d gone together, weaving in and out of vendor stalls.
Tavak had heard her laugh before he’d seen her. And it had brought such a shocking sense of contentment that he’d been frozen by that laugh. When his gaze had finally found her, he saw her walking down a parallel road with Haase, her arm looped with his. She was smiling up at the male she’d once told him she thought of like a father.