by Zoey Draven
Stella’s cheeks burned and she swallowed.
“It—it was the first time, in my entire life, that I’d ever chosen sex because I desired it,” he admitted softly. Her lips parted. “Every other experience had been for credits. And I…”
Oh God.
“I wanted it to be you,” he murmured, those gold and silver threads spinning in his eyes. “It was always going to be you, Stella.”
Her heartbeat went a little rapid in her chest.
He huffed out a quick exhale through his nostrils. “But I should’ve realized that it came with the memories. I’d gone from having sex almost nightly for over ten years to going four months without it. Truthfully, when I landed on Dumera, I swore I’d be celibate until I died.”
That…that would have been a travesty.
“And then you,” he sighed. “You, Stella. Vauk. I don’t think I realized what trouble you’d be to my best intentions. But you made me feel desire. True desire, for the first time in my life.”
She…had?
“Tavak,” she whispered, her cheeks flushing again.
The corner of his lips tugged upward slightly. “And then I vauked everything up.”
Stella sobered, the heat rushing out of her all at once.
Quietly, he murmured, “I want you back, vellia.”
Stella felt those words hang between them.
He’d traveled from Dumera to come here. Traveled into space, a place he swore he’d never go again, transferred from vessel to vessel no doubt, just to say those words to her.
It must’ve taken a lot of courage. And a lot of fear.
“You said you didn’t see a future for us,” she reminded him.
“Not like this,” he said. “That’s what I said to you. What I meant was that I couldn’t see a future for us when I couldn’t even come to terms with my own past. I didn’t want to drag you down with me.”
Realization went through her.
“So what’s changed?” she asked quietly.
She wasn’t a fool. She knew that with a past like his, he wouldn’t magically come to terms with it, accept it, in a matter of weeks when he’d been carrying the burden of it on his shoulders for years.
“Realizing the alternative,” he murmured. “And that alternative was losing you forever.”
Her belly fluttered.
“It suddenly became clear to me that I could either begin to come to terms with my past or I would lose you,” he said. The strain in his eyes was obvious, the exhaustion there making the strands flurry around. “And when I went to Reji’s, to tell you all this, he told me you’d gone. I felt such fear and panic because I thought that maybe it was already too late.”
Her heart softened. Not fully. But it was definitely softening under the slow heat of his words.
“So you went to space to find me,” she murmured.
Tavak barely suppressed a shudder, like he suddenly remembered that that was where they were.
“Pax,” he said. “Haase…he doesn’t care for me, that much is obvious. But he allowed me entry on his ship to speak with you, and for that, I will always be grateful.”
Stella hadn’t specifically told Haase about what had happened between her and Tavak but the Killup was intelligent and observant. He’d seen the way she’d looked at Tavak on Dumera. It didn’t take him long to gather she wanted to leave because of something that had happened between them.
“I know you have no reason to give me another chance,” he continued softly, “but I do hope you will consider it.”
Stella’s breath hitched, her gaze suddenly shy.
“Will you?” he asked.
Her gaze met his.
She bit her lip.
“I’ll…I’ll think about it,” she whispered. “I promise.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Tavak’s least favorite place on the entire vessel was where he was spending most of his time, ironically enough. Only because it was where Stella spent most of her time.
The cafeteria.
With its terrifying floor-to-ceiling window looking out into the abyss of space. Tavak always kept his back to it, choosing a table the furthest away from it for good measure.
Ravu, naturally, thought it was hilarious.
“We aren’t going to implode,” his brother had told him, the day after they’d made the vessel’s drop of the firestones at its intended colony. “Admit it, you have never been on a nicer vessel.”
Tavak would give his brother that one. Haase’s vessel was a work of art. Sometimes, Tavak could almost forget that he was in space because the flight was smooth and seamless, even when docking.
But when he was in the cafeteria, not much could distract him from the aching darkness behind him. Only Stella could do that, whenever she popped out from the kitchens.
She was walking towards him now and Tavak straightened, his shoulders rolling back. Two cups of tea were perched in her palms and Tavak immediately disconnected his Coms device. Haase had told him to make himself useful while he was on the vessel and had given him logs and logs of past inventory and supply drops to organize and account for.
Tavak appreciated the distraction and found the task strangely soothing, poring over numbers and figures.
Stella’s brow held a sheen of perspiration from her prep work in the kitchens. Feeding a vessel this size was no easy feat and though there were three others working in the back kitchens, it was still a lot of work.
She slid his tea cup over the top of the table, a small, knowing smile on her face that made his hearts begin to pound.
“Brought you your favorite,” she teased gently.
It was in fact the only tea that Tavak found remotely pleasant. But truthfully, Tavak would’ve choked down anything, if only to spend time with Stella.
“Are you done for the night?” he asked, keeping his gaze on her.
She nodded, peering at him over the rim of her cup as she sipped her tea.
It had been four days since Tavak arrived on the vessel. Four days since he’d told her about his past, about his intentions to win her back.
If Tavak thought that she’d look at him any differently after knowing about Jrika and Everton, well…he’d known all along that his past profession wouldn’t matter to her, hadn’t he?
Nevertheless, Stella kept a wall between them. A wall he knew had nothing to do with what he’d told her and everything to do with them. With the way he’d pushed her away on Dumera so easily.
But Tavak could be patient. He had his whole life to convince Stella to be with him, something he’d taken for granted before. He wouldn’t make that same mistake again.
The only thing that made discomfort rise in his chest was that the vessel was returning to Dumera. They would be back in port in three days. And he didn’t know if Stella would be returning to the colony or not.
It doesn’t matter, he thought. Because if she didn’t get off this vessel then Tavak wouldn’t either.
“Haase is keeping you busy,” she murmured, nodding down at the Coms tablet lying forgotten on the white stretch of table between them.
“I like this type of work,” he told her. “I don’t mind it.”
“He tried to get me to do it once,” she said. “It bored me to tears.”
The corner of Tavak’s mouth lifted. “Pax, you like to be kept busy in other ways.”
Her brow rose in surprise, a gentle flush tinging her cheeks and Tavak realized the ways his words might’ve sounded.
“I meant at Reji’s,” he rasped, a short chuckle rising from his throat. “You don’t like sitting still, like me. You like cleaning and taking trips into town for supplies, and milling around on the floor to make sure the patrons are happy.”
“Oh,” she said. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.”
Tavak shook his head, swallowing, but held her eyes. He was all too aware that it had been weeks since they’d last had sex. His Rut had been consuming. And the week afterwards had been…sublime.
A gentle scraping sound cut through his thoughts and he realized his claws had cut into the table.
Stella’s gaze flashed to them, licking her lips before taking another sip of her tea. Tavak remembered his own cup in front of him and he took a long drink.
He was surprised—and elated—when Stella quietly murmured, “I miss you.”
Tavak set his cup down, his eyes flaring, his body leaning forward at the sudden admission.
“And I appreciate you giving me space. I really do,” she continued. “Taking this slow. And I—I don’t know why I’m being more hesitant this time. Trust me when I say it has nothing to do with, with Jrika. Or Everton. Or about any of that.”
He inclined his head, something in his chest tightening at the tone in her voice. “I know,” he murmured softly.
“I guess…” Stella looked away, past his shoulder, and he knew that she was looking out into space. “I know how I feel about you, Tavak. I’d hoped that some time away from Dumera would help clear up some things but it’s obvious that my feelings haven’t changed. But a part of me thinks that…”
She trailed off again, which made his brows furrow.
“What is it, vellia?” he murmured.
Her eyes connected with his again. Her cheeks were flushed, the look in her eyes unsure.
“Do you love me?” she asked softly. “Do you feel that way about me?”
Her question left him dumbstruck. Reeling, like she’d just punched him in the gut and he didn’t know why.
He must’ve hesitated too long because she plastered on a small smile.
“Never mind,” she said quickly. She took a sip of her tea as a distraction, her body shifting to stand, and Tavak didn’t want her to leave. “I should head to bed. I think all the smells from the kitchen are making me a bit…woozy.”
“Stella,” Tavak said, catching her wrist, standing himself. He towered over her and he stroked his thumb over the inside of her forearm. “I—I don’t even know what love is, what it…what it should be.”
He didn’t know how to explain himself but he felt strangely panicked, as if this moment would decide everything for them. He didn’t know how to explain to her that he’d kept himself separated from most beings, that he’d never allowed himself to be close…until her.
What he felt for his brother was love. Certainly. But not the love she was speaking of and it was that love that confused him most.
“It’s okay, Tavak,” she whispered, patting the top of his hand. “I’m sorry, I don’t…I don’t know why I asked. I don’t mean to push you. I just…”
Because you deserve to have answers, he thought.
“I’m tired,” she said, giving him a half-smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And Tavak watched her go, feeling restless and helpless. He was certain of these strange feelings for her…but he was uncertain how to express them.
He’d never done this before. He didn’t have experience with this.
But for Stella, he would try. He would try to express everything he could, even if he made a mess of it.
Chapter Forty-Three
Stella went to bed that night strangely melancholic and wistful.
It doesn’t matter if he loves me or not, she thought. She couldn’t force someone to love her. Love came with time and maybe Tavak just wasn’t ready yet.
But she’d thought…
Stella sighed, turning on her side to stare out the window that her bed was next to, watching the stars.
She’d thought that maybe he did. He’d pursued her into space. He’d told her about his past. He’d given her what she’d asked of him.
But Stella couldn’t forget the flash of displeasure on his face when she’d first confessed she loved him. As if it was something that didn’t matter.
Maybe that was where her hesitation with him lay. He hadn’t actually verbally expressed his feelings for her and so Stella felt like there was an imbalance in the relationship, before it had ever begun.
She sighed again, closing her eyes.
I’ll know what to do, she thought. I’ll feel it.
“Vellia,” came the voice, jolting her awake.
Stella gasped softly and stilled, the dizzying sensation of falling asleep one place and waking up in another quite familiar.
She touched her cheek, feeling wetness there, and she froze even further when she realized where she was.
In front of the door to her mother’s old quarters.
Tavak’s hand went to the small of her back, his other cupping her cheek.
“Vellia, let me take you back to bed, pax?”
She blew out a shuddering sigh and nodded, the ache in her chest palpable and shocking, though she’d visited her mother’s room when she’d come on board. Like her own room, Haase had kept it as it had always been. And while her mother had spent her nights in Haase’s own quarters, this room had been like her mother’s ‘office.’ To this day, it still remained cluttered and chaotic. Comforting.
Tavak was still dressed and Stella wondered if he’d ever gone to bed, though she sensed it had been hours since their brief conversation in the cafeteria.
His steady hand and the heat rolling off his body soothed her, allowed her tears to dry up. Feeling vulnerable from her dream, she leaned into him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, no doubt feeling the shiver that racked through her body.
Her eyes felt heavy and sticky. When they arrived at her room, Tavak led her over to bed, those eyes running over her, as if trying to determine something only he could see.
She was sitting on the edge of the bed, Tavak standing in front of her. There was quiet for long moments until Tavak finally murmured, “Sleep, vellia.”
His hand slid briefly through her hair, the warm, gentle touch meant to comfort her. When he began to turn, she knew she didn’t want him to go.
“Wait,” she whispered, snagging his fingers. When he turned back to regard her, she said, “Stay.”
His brows lowered, a frown sliding into place, but she recognized that look. One of pensiveness, of careful thought, but not anger.
“Please,” she whispered, feeling like there was a bubble in her chest about to burst.
After a brief hesitation, Tavak nodded and allowed her to pull him into bed after he toed off his boots. He slid the crisp sheets up around them and curled his arm underneath her head.
The beds on Haase’s vessel were not meant for two beings. For Stella, there was plenty of room. But with a Keriv’i male beside her? She was pressed close, absorbing his heat, the comforting throbs of his hearts underneath her palm when she slid it over his chest.
It was so achingly familiar. A necessary comfort. She’d missed being in his arms. He made her feel safe.
“Did you dream about your mother again?” he murmured, his fingertips stroking through her hair, which spilled across his arm.
“Yes,” she whispered, watching the rise and fall of his chest. “That was her old room.”
A deep sigh escaped his throat. Now she knew why so many of his mannerisms seemed familiar to her. Because he’d learned them from humans. Human women.
“I’m sorry, vellia.”
“What were you still doing up?” she asked him.
His hand lifted from her hair to run down his face. He tilted his head to regard her, those eyes flickering over her features, from her eyes, to her nose, to her lips.
“What I do every night,” he murmured. “Pace the halls and think.”
Despite the situation, she felt the corners of her lips tug up. “Oh really? About what?”
An amused sound pushed up from his throat. But his voice was quiet as he said, “A human female who has me tied up in knots.”
Their eyes couldn’t help but hold onto one another.
“When I first saw you, I didn’t think much of you,” Tavak confessed.
A dull thud hit her chest.
“What a romantic,” she whispered, her sarcasm gentle.
A huff escap
ed his nostrils.
“But,” he added, “then you quickly became the best part of my day.”
Stella’s breath hitched.
“And then you became all I could think about. All I wanted to think about,” he murmured softly, reaching out to brush a strand of hair away from her cheek, stroking the smoothness of her cheekbone.
Okay, maybe he is a romantic, she amended. Because her heart beat madly at the reverent words.
“So tonight I was pacing the halls and thinking about the question you asked me,” he murmured.
Stella swallowed, thick and hard.
“A question that I don’t even know if I can answer properly. But I will try,” he said. “And what I want to tell you is that, with the exception of my brother, I’ve never experienced love in my entire life. I’ve never had a partner, a mate.”
Stella figured that was the case, considering he’d never spoken of ex-lovers. And while he’d had a lot of sex in his life, he’d never actually had a lover. Not until her.
“What I can tell you is that whenever I see you, I never want to look away.”
Lips parting, her fingernails pressed a little harder into his chest.
“I think about hearing your laugh, seeing that vauking beautiful smile of yours and it fills me with such…peace. Contentment. Vauking happiness,” he grumbled, like he was displeased about it. But Stella smiled, knowing better, her heart warm and fluttery. “And all I can think about is making you laugh and smile at me again. I crave you. I crave your scent in my lungs, your taste on my tongue, and your voice in my mind.”
Her vision blurred with a few tears, hearing a gruffness in his voice that she’d never heard before.
“The past few weeks have been some of the most vauking miserable of my life,” he told her. “And you know I’m no stranger to misery. What I can tell you is that I know I made the biggest mistake letting you walk away. Not fighting to keep you because I was too terrified that you might look at me differently. But I know better. I want to prove to you that I can make you happy. I want to prove to you that I’m worthy of you.”
“Oh, Tavak,” she whispered, wanting to tell him that he didn’t have to prove anything to her.