by Annie Brewer
“I’m sorry, I was trying to act like a skater in a competition getting ready to do a jump in the air and wasn’t paying attention to what was around me. It was my fault; I was going to catch up with you. I know it was stupid to do that in a crowded rink. It wasn’t your fault so stop blaming yourself.”
“Well, let’s get you back to Spencer’s so you can rest and put an ice pack on it” I don’t argue as we walk back to the subway. I try to keep most of my weight on my other foot.
“Hey, I brought my truck if you guys wanna ride home with me.” We nod, and ride back in silence.
Chapter 56
Noah
It’s been a stressful visit in my hometown. With my head in a fog, I feel like Maddy and I are just constantly at a standstill. I hate that things can be perfectly great one minute, but then the next we’re at it again. Part of me feels like it’s because we’re here and my nerves are out of whack. Ever since I saw Sandy that day, I’ve been snippy about the smallest things. Seeing her just brought a flood of emotions from that day and it’s all I can think about. I finally told Spencer and he wasn’t exactly helpful in what to think of it.
Today is a calm day for us. I’ve tried shutting all the negativity out of my mind but so far it hasn’t helped; not enough anyway. The only good thing is that I haven’t run into my father, which is shocking, but I don’t wanna jinx it either.
“Noah?” Maddy opens the door to the bed room and sits down on the bed. I still feel guilty for leaving her at the ice rink, to skate on my own. What the fuck was I thinking? I should’ve learned my lesson the first time knowing how bad shit got when I left someone I cared about. If her injury had been any worse, I don’t know how I’d have dealt with it.
“Hey babe, how are you feeling?” She rubs my arm and smiles.
“I’m doing better. But I feel like you’re not doing so well, wanna talk about it?”
I look away, her eyes can see so deep within me, she’d know I was hiding something. “I’m okay, just mad I wasn’t there to prevent your fall.” I take her hand.
“Not this again,” She interrupts. “I told you, I’m fine. You see I’m fine. It was a minor accident that was my fault to begin with. Let it go.” I know I should, I know I should drop it and we wouldn’t be fighting. But I’m so stubborn, I hold on to shit for too long. But how am I supposed to feel? Once again, I put someone dear to me life in danger. Losing Maddy would’ve been the last straw, the one that’d sent me over the edge. She’s better off without me in reality, but I’m too selfish to give her up. After never having a real love, a real connection, no connection at all is unthinkable.
“Please talk to me, Noah.” She lays her head on my chest. I pat her back for a minute, needing to shift this mood we’ve got going on in a happier direction.
“Let’s go do some more sightseeing and walking around.” I pat her to let me up and get dressed. We must have our last night here be a happy, memorable one. No more sulking or arguing.
Once we get ready, Spencer drives us to the subway station and from there we find a few sights we hadn’t been to yet. And then I get an idea. We go downtown to purchase another day pass for the bus tour and we pass a few places, and the same ones we saw the first day. As soon as the bus stops at my destination, I tug on her arm. “What?”
“I have something to show you that you’ll want pics of.” She gathers her belongings and we get out of the seat, getting off the bus.
“Where are we going?”
I take her in front of a tall brown building in Greenwhich and point, “You see that?” She nods, tilting her head back. “It’s a building.” She observes.
“It’s not just a building; it’s the outside of the Gellar apartment.” She glances at me confused. “It’s the building they used for Friends. You know how they always show the outside of their apartment? Well, this is the outside, the actual apartment is in California.”
“No way, Andi’s gonna freak. I gotta get pictures of this.” She takes her camera and goes crazy, snapping photos of all sides.
“This is why I brought you here, Andi will surely appreciate this.”
“Thank you, Noah. She really will, as do I.” She looks back and smiles at me. “She’s obsessed with Friends the way I’m obsessed with Vampire Diaries or Robert Downey Jr.”
We take pictures of each other in front of it, and then she sends a couple to Andi from her phone. “Wanna go to Little Italy to eat?” She takes my hand as we find another bus to pick us up.
“Does everyone ride the subway everywhere?” She asks. I push hair back from her face, appreciative of her appearance; no makeup, hair in a messy bun on top of her head, the natural look.
“I love you so much better without makeup. And your hair is sexy.” She suddenly closes her mouth after opening it for a minute, taken aback by my change of topic.
“Thank you?” I laugh and kiss her nose.
“No, thank you for not being a fake. I love your natural look.” She smiles shyly.
“No one has ever really complimented me on my natural look. But I never really liked wearing makeup, maybe occasionally.” I pull her close and kiss the top of her head. “Well, I think people are just blind and need glasses. But I guess it’s nice to be your first for a lot of things, so I won’t complain.” She snuggles close to my side; my fingers casually stroke her hair. “And to answer your earlier question, it depends where they’re going. Some people take the bus, some take the subway and some just drive everywhere, but that way is more traffic.”
“I think subways are cool. They’re not as dirty at you’d think.”
“Here’s our stop.” I lift and pull Maddy up with me to get off the bus. We walk around Little Italy and Maddy’s phone beeps with a text. I have a hunch it’s Andi going crazy over the picture she sent her. After debating on a restaurant, out of 3, we settle on Casa Bella, a cozy place with delicious food and great service.
“What are you getting?” I ask as we look over the menu a couple of times.
“Chicken Parmigiana sounds good.” She sets her menu down and folds her hands on top of the table. “What about you?”
“Marsala.”
Our waitress saunters back to our table, “Have you guys decided what you’re having yet?” She takes our menus as we give her our orders. We also order a bottle of wine.
“So,” I twine our fingers, gazing into her face, “has this been an enjoyable experience for you?” She shifts in her seat, “aside from the incident.”
She clears her throat before she speaks, making me nervous. “This has been amazing, with the incident. What is a vacation without them?” I let out a puff of air, “A better one.” I say.
She slaps my hand, setting hers in her lap. “Stop it, Noah. It was so fun but you’re ruining it. You just have to let things go. Stop holding onto what was not your fault.”
“It was my fault though, that’s what you don’t get.” I protest. She bites her lower lip, irritably. Shut up, Noah. You’re going to piss her off. “Fine, I’ll drop it.” I relent, for now.
Our food comes; we eat in silence and drink our wine. I’m afraid of saying something to ruin this day. When we get home, we can figure shit out. But I can’t ruin it now, not when there’s no tension lingering above us like there’s been for half of this visit.
“Andi wanted me to tell you thanks for taking me by the Friends’ apartment.” Maddy finally speaks. “She loved the picture.”
“I knew she would. Tell her she’s welcome.” I set my fork down, “How’s she doing?”
“Same, no changes, which could be a good or bad thing, depending how you look at it.”
“It’s gonna be okay. So is Andi.”
“I’m not ready to go home yet. I liked being away from work, reality, death.”
Death. I can’t escape it apparently. It’s following me everywhere I go.
I finish eating quietly, lost in thought. And when we finally finish and pay, I contemplate going to the cemetery. For a split second, I consider a
sking Maddy to go with me. “Can we walk to Ground Zero?” And my head moves up and down on its own and my feet are shuffling the pavement.
“Well, how about that?” And then my nuts jump into my throat, my nerves scatter like a flock of angry birds. I clench my fists at my sides before I turn to my father, standing before me. I guess I wasn’t so lucky after all. “I thought that was you Noah.” Maddy tenses beside me, aware of the man, interrupting our nice evening.
“I guess it was too much to ask not to run into you. At least once.”
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?” Maddy grabs my hand, to calm my nerves which helps only for a moment. But the gesture is what counts.
“I don’t have to tell you shit.”
“What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you ran away.”
“I moved away.” I correct him, through clenched teeth. “I’m so glad I don’t have to see your face anymore.”
“Noah, come on. You don’t have to explain anything to him.” Maddy reaches for my hand, pulling my hand. I should leave, I know I should. This man doesn’t deserve a breath from me.
“Who are you?” My father asks her, with coldness in his voice and I wanna deck him in the face.
“None of your concern.” She answers, turning to me. “Let’s go babe.” I squeeze her hand.
“You should leave him; he’s not a serious relationship, commitment kind of guy. He’ll leave you and break your heart, use you and throw you away, just like he’s done with all the other girls. If you were smart, you’d take my advice.” She doesn’t even flinch, afraid of this man.
“And if you were smart, you’d leave us alone.”
“Yeah, well I guess you’re just as stupid as the rest then.”
“You’re a real asshole. And a horrible role model. How could you treat your own son like that?”
“No, he’s not my son. I didn’t want kids. His mother knew that, she defied me. I just fixed my mistake and left them both. Maybe I’d still be with her if she’d listened to me that bitch.” Maddy flinches in horror and I’ve had enough, heard enough shit talk.
“That’s enough! How dare you talk about my mother that way? I’m glad she finally left your sorry ass.”
“You really think she’s gonna get help and stay sober? That woman will relapse every time.”
“Noah, come on.” I hear Maddy say but I stand face to face with the monster whose blood runs in my veins, ashamed to be his son. “You shouldn’t have to listen to him; he’s such an asshole and is just trying to rile you up.”
“You should learn to respect your elders.” He says to her.
“You should learn to be a decent person. Noah, thankfully nothing like you.” She finally pulls me away.
“I hate to burst your bubble, but he’s exactly like me. And you’ll one day see that. Good luck.” I walk away, angry.
“Noah, stop.” Maddy catches up with me. What’s wrong?”
“I knew he’d somehow weasel his way into this weekend. I fucking hate his guts.”
“Don’t let him get to you. He’s not worth it. You’re nothing like him, don’t ever forget that.” She tries to hug me but I pull away and we walk to the train station.
When we get off at Broadway to the site, I find a bench and sit down while Maddy looks around. I lean forward with my elbows on my knees and head bent forward, closing my eyes.
I look up and see her sad face, as she must be remembering that tragic day that changed everyone. I never told her but Lex’s aunt died that day too. I don’t think she was at the World Trade Center, but I saw her name in the obituary.
“I hate remembering that day. I can so clearly see everything that happened. It finally woke me up out of my depression state, when I realized so many people lost their loved ones without a moment’s notice, not having said goodbye to them. I mean I know I lost my mother so young, but these people lost so much more than I did. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, wanting to actually make my life worth living.”
I stare at her, baffled. “You think your loss is insignificant because of what happened that day?”
“Well, it made me realize that a lot of people lost more than me, so I needed to be thankful for what I had and stop feeling sorry for myself.”
“That’s ridiculous; everyone has a right to grieve their loved ones no matter how small or large the circumstance is. You were seven for Christ’s sake. You didn’t just lose your mother, you lost your father. You lost a lot too, so don’t you dare think you don’t have that right.”
She notices me getting antsy and irritable. She places her hands on her hips, standing in front of me. “You haven’t been yourself Noah. What’s going on? We’re supposed to be honest with each other, and you’re not doing that with me.” I curse myself for not telling her the truth from the beginning and let out a sigh, running my hand through my hair.
“Okay, I saw Sandy, Lex’s mother two days ago, while we were at the gift shop. Thankfully she didn’t see me but it brought back so many bad memories and I just tried putting out it out of my mind, but it was all I could think about. I know I should have told you, but it’s brought me back to that day. I wanted to forget it, but it’s been impossible. Being here has fucked with my head.”
“Wow, so you’ve been preaching to me about honesty and yet you’ve been the opposite this whole time. That’s great, Noah. What happened to communication? I knew something was up and all I could think about was “I wonder if I did something to piss him off” or “What is his problem?” the whole damn time. If you’d told me, I could’ve understood of your attitude.”
“I get it, I fucked up. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? Do you remember just the other night how you were so pissed at me for such a small thing and yet this has affected your whole mood which in turn has done the same to me.” She shakes her head and starts walking away. I knew this was going to go south.
I get up and reach for her hand, turning her around. “Wait, Maddy I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep it from you.”
“Stop it; I need a minute to cool off. It’s just frustrating, this whole thing.”
“Would you please listen to me?” I grab her and hold her against me. I bury my face in her hair, inhaling her scent. “I’m sorry. This hasn’t been easy and I just wanna go home, where I’m not under so much stress.”
“Noah,” She pulls back, and I see tears in her eyes. “I just miss my parents. After hearing your dad act like a monster, it really bothered me. My parents were loving people. They loved me, and they’d be here if they could. Well, I know my mom would.” I wipe tears that fall from her eyes. “I’m sorry you had to live with that heartless bastard.” She hugs me. “If you’re hurting, I wanna know. I want to comfort you. Don’t shut me out, don’t be like him.” I wish things were that simple. I never had to worry about sharing my feelings with anyone and even now I forget to include Maddy. It’s a process that needs progress, but it’s just hard. I only hope I can improve.
“I’m sorry; I’ve got so much I need to work on. I know it’s no excuse, but I never cared about sharing anything, with anyone. It’s not something that can be done so quickly, when you spent most of your life alone. But I’ll work on getting better, hopefully once we’re home.” I embrace her tightly, ready to go home but also afraid of what’s to come when we get there. Will it change anything then?
Chapter 57
Maddy
After confronting Noah and finally getting the truth out of him, the rest of the night went better. Being close to the site from nine-eleven was pretty heart-breaking. I remember that day so clearly, where I was, what I was doing. I’m not sure why I so desperately needed to see the site up close, it changed nothing. But once we went back to Times Square to browse and take more pictures, the tension around us disappeared. It seemed like Noah felt better too, getting his feelings of what was bothering him out in the open, like a weight was lifted. After seeing his father for the first time, witnessing what a do
uche he is, it was a little disconcerting. His business attire said a lot about his character as well as the smug smile he wears. I wanted to rip into him but it wouldn’t be very mature on my part. I’d be stooping to his level. I just wish Noah wouldn’t let what his father says to him affect him. He has to know he’s nothing like that monster.
“What are you thinking?” I ask on the subway ride back to Spencer’s house. He’s quiet and it’s unsettling.
“I’m just thinking that if I’d said something to Sandy, I wonder what she’d do. I mean, I owe her something for what I did. I never spoke to her after that night. I just wish she’d know how sorry I was and how that day has lived with me ever since.” I hold his hand, drawing circles on his palm. I hate not being able to console him.
“Believe me, I’m sure she knows. You guys were so close. She knows it was an accident.”
“I’m such a coward, even if I had the chance to talk to her I’d run away, unable to hear how much she blames me.” His hand rests on the inside of my left thigh. “I’m sorry for being such a downer. God, this was your first visit to the Big Apple an I spent most of the time stuck in the past.” He kisses my neck up to my jaw. I close my eyes and soak in his affection.
Soon we’re kissing on the subway with an audience but at that moment, I don’t care. It’s not like we’re disturbing anyone, or shoulder to shoulder and bumping anyone; we’re the only two people in the seat. He grips my face, “I’ll make it up to you, somehow.” He whispers.
“Don’t worry, it’s not necessary.” He takes my bottom lip between his teeth, watching for my reaction. I gasp when he bites down a little too hard and he pulls back. “Shit, I’m sorry. I guess I got carried away.” His smirk I love so much makes an appearance, making the pain in my mouth bearable. I kiss his mouth and then lie my head on his shoulder, “It’s okay. It’s nice to see that expression again.” We sit in silence until we get to our stop, get out and hail our last taxi to Queens. I’m feeling sad to be leaving tomorrow, but I’m a little relieved as well. Being here has really damaged Noah. Too much pain and history for him.