by Annie Brewer
“Okay, I hope everything is okay.” My heart is racing, with worry. She hugs me and I grip her shoulder to regain my strength. “Call me if you need anything.” I nod, thank her and rush home.
The drive has me speeding like a bat out of hell. So many scenarios run through my head, I don’t see the light change and run right through the red.
Pulling up to the complex, foolishly I focus on the side Noah used to live on. I guess I live to torture myself. I know he’s gone, I just can’t help but wish…No, focus on Andi, she needs you.
I get out of the car, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants and enter my apartment. “Andi.” I whisper, gazing at her crouched form on the floor, clutching the phone. She looks up at me with tear-filled eyes and my heart stops. “He’s gone.” And the bottom is pulled out from underneath me.
Chapter 70
Noah
I begin to wonder if it’ll ever get easier, but I know it already has. My mom is actually getting help and she’s been happier than I’d seen her in years. I know she’s still dealing with emotional issues that will take years to go away. I’m just glad to be here to witness her progress. She and I are doing better too. I go to some therapy sessions with her and it’s even helped me deal with my own anger and emotional struggles. The struggles of being like my father, being alone, not being good enough for Maddy. I want to be good enough for her. No, I want to be the best for her. I want her to be proud of me and to never my doubt for her, the way my mother doubted my father’s love for her. Sometimes it takes leaving to realize that what you had was the greatest thing in the world. I did leave and now, I’m taking steps to better myself so I can return to the only woman I’ve ever loved, the only woman worth changing for. My aunt told me Maddy talked to her and said she still loves me and misses me. It made me happy that she didn’t move on. It made me feel there was hope for us, even after hurting her, breaking her heart, she still loves me. I can’t wait to go back and take that girl in my arms and never let her go. This time, I’ll fight for us instead of run from us. Because she’s every bit worth fighting for.
The notebook feels light in my hands, but it carries the weight of the world. Well my world, my past and my freedom. It holds secrets and confessions and pictures, ones I never knew existed until that day I saw Sandy.
“This is like de ja vu. Except better.” Spencer teases. We’re standing in front of Lex’s grave. It feels different this time, but in a good way.
“Yeah, it does. Only now I’m not hunched over in pain and overcome with grief.” I state honestly. “I feel free.” For the first time, in a long time. It’s amazing what a few sentences and clarification does to a person. I still feel responsible and I suppose it won’t go away anytime soon. But the visit with Sandy and the notebook helped me put things into perspective
“I told you I’d get his punk ass out here. It only took some years, but you’d be so proud of the man he’s becoming, Lex. He’s changed so much. Partly thanks to you and thanks to Maddy too. You’d like her. You’d like Andi too. She’s amazing, a fireball, like me. You always thought I’d be a player for life, but you know, I may be a changed man too.” He kneels in front of her tombstone, fingering the letters of her name. I can see the emotions on his face. I pat his back, brotherly. I’m so glad he’s here with me and that we’ve stayed in touch since I was gone. “We’re gonna take care of each other, for you. You always believed in both of us and we love you for that.”
I step up close to the marbled plaque and bend down to my knees. Spencer moves back, to give me time with her by myself. “Well Lex…you’re a sneaky one. I got your notebook.” I hold it up, unclear what it does but my hands are in control. Maybe it makes me feel like she’s listening, even if she’s not here with us. “This…this journal you kept all these years, I needed it, I needed these words. I needed the encouragement you provided.” I close my eyes, tightening my grip on the material in my hands. “Thank you.” I whisper. “Thank you for setting me free. I needed this. I promise not let you down a second time, and not to waste my life. You see, there’s a girl I’m madly in love with, and she needs me. I wish you could have met her, she’s incredible and she reminds me so much of you, her heart.” I realize I’m crying now, but I feel okay letting them out. It feels good. It feels like goodbye, so I know I may not be back for a long time. I need to tell her everything I can. “I wish you were here. But you’ll always be with me. I have a piece of you that I’ll hold onto for as long as I’m breathing. I love you. Thank you for being the best friend.”
“We love you, Lex. I always knew it’d be you to finally force Noah to see the light.” Spencer glances at me; a sad smile crosses his face. I pat his back again and smile in thanks. “Yeah, he’s finally pussy whipped. And I mean that in the best way. He’s so much nicer when he’s happy.” He looks up to the sky and says, “I hope you’re happy, where ever you are. And I hope you found peace. If anybody is pushing you around or bullying you,” he waves a fist in the air, “I’ll be kicking some ass when I get up there.”
“She can hold her own, Spencer. She was always tough.” He laughs, agreeing. “I guess we gotta go.” I say, with little conviction. Spencer nods, reluctant.
“Goodbye or farewell or until we meet again.” He salutes, and then kisses the top of the headstone.
“I like the last one better. Goodbye is too final.” We begin our descent to Spencer’s truck. I pull my hoodie tighter to my body, feeling the cool New York breeze. For May it’s typical 60’s or 70’s weather and we’ve recently had rain.
“How do you feel?” We buckle our seat belts.
“Pretty good, I think.” I look out the window wondering what Maddy is doing, or how she’s doing. I close my eyes as images of her flood my mind. “I didn’t do anything with Kasey, just so you know. I stopped it. I couldn’t go through with it. You were right, I’m not that guy anymore, I don’t wanna be.” We hadn’t talked about that night much in the last few weeks. I was too busy with my mother and trying to figure out what to do.
“I know.” I lean my head back, lifting my legs up on the seat, holding my knees.
“God, I just wanted to feel something other than pain. And I almost did, I almost let myself go there.” Spencer glances at me. “It’s normal to want to feel the physical contact, especially being a guy. It happens.”
I shake my head. “But with Maddy it was never about sex. She got me, she saw something in me I didn’t see in myself. With her it was more emotional. She’s so passionate about music, animals and helping people. And despite the shit she’s gone through, she never let it define her.”
“You don’t have to either, Noah.”
“I know that now. But she helped me to realize it. And lex gave me the encouragement, I needed. I love her Spencer. I’m such a fool. I fucking love Maddy and nothing will ever change that. I just hope I can be the best man for her.” My hands clench and unclench a few times, in my lap.
“Liste, Andi’s father died. I didn’t want to tell you right away. I just found out.” I sit straight up, stunned.
“Fuck.” I mutter under my breath, rubbing my temple. After thinking about it, there’s only one solution. “Looks like we’re taking a trip.”
“We’re taking a trip, or you’re going home.” Spencer asks.
“I’m going home. And you’re coming with me.” I always knew deep down I’d return to Colorado. And to Maddy. That’s my home. She’s my home and I can’t imagine a better place. I just needed distance and time to sort through my shit. Life without her was never a possibility, even if I had to fight someone else for her. I’d fight to the end.
“Awesome. I knew you’d go back.” He smiles.
When we get back to Spencer’s, I get on the phone with Aunt Linda. She’s more than ecstatic I’m coming back.
“She’s going to be so happy to see you, Noah. She’s been a mess.”
“Please don’t tell her or Andi. I want it to be a surprise.” This isn’t the ideal time to surprise her
but in the midst of heartache; it will help her to know I’m not going anywhere this time. I’ll be there for good.
“Don’t worry, I won’t say a thing. I’m going to search for the quickest flight possible. I’ll call you soon.”
“Thanks Aunt Linda. I appreciate it, and everything.”
“I love you, Noah.”
I call my mother and we make plans for me to stay there. I’ve asked her to move to Colorado but I’m not sure what her final decision is. Ultimately it’s up to her. I just know she has more support and family in Colorado now than here in New York. Either way, I’m happy she’s doing something.
Now, it’s time to put this chapter of my life behind me. My future awaits.
Chapter 71
Maddy
Being prepared, even for months, doesn’t stop the pain. You can prepare for years for the death of a loved one and it still hurts the same. Surprisingly I held it together when Andi told me the news. I rushed to her side and held her while she cried her eyes out, cried her tears until there was nothing left. Mine wouldn’t come. I just felt numb.
Finally after an hour her tears ceased. She wiped her eyes and then proceeded to drag me to Midnight. We sang some karaoke together, which wasn’t that great.
Now I’m sitting here, hours later, alone. Andi had her fun and then left with Derrick. I chose to stay this time. Reflect on life, one good thing that’s happened is my father and I having a second chance for a real father-daughter relationship. But how can I be happy without feeling guilty?
“Want another beer?” I turn and spot Trey beside me. Great, just what I need.
“Trey, please leave. I want to be alone.”
“You’re too pretty to be alone.” I roll my eyes at his compliment, not in the mood. He doesn’t take the hint, moving a chair close to me. My nerves run like crazy in my body. I turn away from him, sipping on my water. “So how ya been?”
“I’m not in the mood for small talk, Trey.” I grit my teeth, watching karaoke going on.
“We could go back to my place and you could show me what you’re in the mood for.”
“Um, no thanks.”
“So where’s your hero? He seems to be missing these days. Did he ditch you?”
My hands clench into fists, aching to give him a shiner. I really wish he was here to save me from this asshole. “He’s not here. He had to go to New York for a little while.” Fuck, of all the times to run into Trey, this is not the ideal time. He finally moves his hand on my leg when I look away; I jump out of my seat. “Stop Trey, please leave.” He grips my hand and pulls me to him. His hands explore my lower body and I want to vomit. “Come on, don’t be afraid of me. I’ll show you a good time.”
“Hey! Get your fucking hands off the lady, asshole.” My heart stops at the sound of his voice. I blink a few times, certain I’m dreaming and he’s not really here, in front of me. But after a few more forceful blinks, I realize my eyes are not deceiving me and he’s really here. Noah. Is here.
“Noah.” I whisper, in both shock and relief.
Trey turns to face an angry Noah and laughs. “Jesus Christ, we really need to stop meeting like this.”
“We just need to stop meeting, period.” Noah replies, his eyes locked on mine. “Are you okay?” Too stunned to answer, I nod slowly. My heart races at the sight of him. I almost break down and cry from utter happiness that he’s here. I’ve missed him so much, my anger and heartbreak from him leaving me doesn’t matter anymore. Does this mean he’s staying?
‘Maddy.” He says my name with a hint of sorrow or pain. I want to throw my arms around him and never let go. But instead, he pulls me to him and the only thing I can do is follow, because all of my limbs and bones and muscles are stiff. “God Maddy.” He pulls me to his chest and tears run down his cheek. Or maybe they’re mine. I can’t remember. “I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry. About Andi’s dad, about us, about everything.” He holds me tightly and finally, my arms and legs work again and I cry into his chest. His hands caress my back, comfortingly. I feel like I’m home, where I belong. “Look, I have a lot to say. I don’t expect you to forgive me or want anything to do with me.”
“Noah-“
“No, please let me talk first, explain why I left.”
“Noah, to the stage please.” Mike calls on the microphone. I look at him and then at Noah. I see the conflicting emotions all over his face.
“Okay, so the talk will have to wait. Please, listen to me. I requested a song that speaks to my heart and I hope it speaks to yours too”
“Of course.” Noah leaves my side and walks to the stage. I find an empty table, closest to the front. My heart is thumping wildly in my chest. I don’t know if it’s from seeing him again or anxious about him singing. Either way, the loud thump is all I can hear.
“Oh yay, Noah’s finally performing for us.” Spencer sits down beside me.
“Hey.”
“Hi Maddy. I’m sorry about Andi. I know you’ve had a lot to deal with.”
“I’m glad she has you, Spencer. I’ve always thought you’d be good for her.”
“I like her, I wasn’t sure if I really did anything. I just listened.”
“Sometimes all a person needs is someone to listen.” We look back to the stage. Noah is talking to Mike.
“There wasn’t a day Noah didn’t think of you.” I study his back, the khaki pants and black and white striped dress shirt tucked in. His hair is shorter and spiked at the top. “I’m sure he’ll talk to you but his stay in New York was pretty miserable. Except when he visited Lex’s grave, he was so brave and emotional. He told her about you, how he fell in love and wants to do right by you.”
I feel an ache in my heart, having an idea how he must have felt being there. I know how I felt visiting my mother after years. But I’m glad to know he has Spencer to help him through it. “I was miserable too. I wanted him to talk to me, not run from me. I wanted to help him.”
Spencer shakes his head, “He had to face his demons on his own. And he did. Look, I’m sure he’ll explain everything. I’m going to meet up with Andi. You two have a lot of catching up to do. Just know, he’s never been as happy as he is when was with you. You changed his world, Maddy. Thank you.” He rushes off before I can thank him for being such a great person, rock in Noah’s life. And now Andi’s.
“Sorry, we had to find the right song.” Noah’s voice fills the bar. My heart leaps at the deep baritone sound. He clears his throat, taking the microphone off the stand. “I broke a lot of hearts in my life and I never felt sorry, until one day, someone unexpected walked into my life and changed everything. She made me feel things I had never allowed myself to feel. And then I walked away from her, like a coward. Biggest mistake of my life.” I notice all eyes trained on Noah. Everyone is mesmerized by his heartfelt confession. When I look back, he’s staring right at me as if he could see into my soul. I swallow my emotions back. It’s no use though, after losing Jim, my father and I working things out and dealing with our past, and now with Noah back, it’s a bit overwhelming. “I’ve made mistakes, a lot. But I will do everything to fix this one. Even if it takes years.” He takes a breath, walking to the front of the stage and sits down on the edge. “This is for you, Maddy. I love you and I’m so sorry,” the music starts to play and right away I recognize the song. Knowing people are staring at me, I smile. Nothing else matters except me and the gorgeous, dark, hottie who’s serenading me.
It’s been raining since you left, now I’m drowning in the flood,
You see I’ve always been a fighter but without you, I give up.
I…will love you baby. Always, and I’ll be there forever and a day.
Always.
I sit and sing along with the words, my eyes closed. I feel tears running down my cheeks. I feel the emotions behind his performance. And when I open my eyes, he’s right in front of me, singing.
If you told me to cry for you, I could.
If you told me to die for you, I wou
ld.
Take a look at my face, there’s no price I won’t pay.
To say these words to you.
He takes my hand and pulls me up so we’re face to face. It’s just us, singing Always..which isn’t as good as Bon Jovi singing it. But I think he’d enjoy it anyway because of the story behind it. There’s something about a guy pouring his heart out into a song that’s just spellbinding. It’s probably why I’ve always loved his songs. All of them reach deep into your soul, pulling the emotional strings. Noah places a gentle kiss on my forehead before his next part sweeps me off my feet. The lyrics were written for us…
Well there ain’t no luck in these loaded dice,
But baby if you give me just one more try,
We can pack up our old dreams and our own lives,
We’ll find a place where the sun still shines and I…will love you, baby.
Always, and I’ll be there forever and a day.
Always.
Before the song fully ends, he scoops me up in his arms, kissing me senseless. His hold on my lower back is protective and firm. I faintly hear the cheers from the crowd. Our mouths find each other, our tongues entangled with each other. My hands skim through his hair crazily, messing up his new ‘do. Our bodies fitting together like the last piece of a puzzle.
He pulls back and scans my face. “Sorry, I guess I got carried away.” His sly grin makes my pulse quicken. God I’ve missed his sexy smirk.
“You and me both.” I admit. He holds up his finger, asking me to wait while he returns the mic to the stand. Everyone, including Mike cheers loudly.
“Let’s give it up for Noah. Nice job.” He winks at me and I return a smile.
When Noah comes back to my side, he leans into my ear and whispers, “Do you wanna go somewhere quiet?”
“Yes, I’ll go anywhere with you.” His face lights up. Taking the lead, I follow him outside. As soon as we’re out of the bar, Noah spins around, catching me off-guard and I’m pinned beneath him against the brick wall. He’s in my face with a very serious, intense sparkle in his eye. “Uh, Noah I was thinking more like our apartment or somewhere more private.” He lets up a smidge but still caging me in. Of course I really don’t mind this either.