Actors Anonymous

by James Franco

  How to relate myself to someone like The Actor? This was maybe the dilemma of my colleagues over at happy-go-lucky Sass, and especially the passionate and lovingly flamboyant EIC who lives for nothing except the expertly queer composition of each new issue. They brought The Actor into the inner circles of the herd, engaged in a wonderful (or so they must have thought) artistic colloquium about how to present that so slippery image of that amphibious being The Actor—Actor? It should be the “Annoying Dilletante.” They should have just done it themselves, but instead they collaborated, and when you collaborate with an ass, you get an ass. Literally. So, Sass, knock off that opening sibilant, and take the crude result, you made your bed, and this is what’s in it, and it ain’t pretty. I am about to be farted on, but it’s fine, we are all farted on. And somehow it seems very relevant to the entire situation.2 The Actor is resorting to his usual form, because we assumed, he made an ass out of u and me. Sass got the real ass end of it, didn’t

  [Here the article ends. It was torn. It’s quite possible that The Actor ripped it in anger, if he is in fact the annotator. There are scraps of the article (see below) but for the most part the story is gone; all that remains are a series of annotations without a referent. They seem to be in The Actor’s usual crazed scrawl, but maybe they were written in imitation.]

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  1 FART? How about SHIT on your face, you mealy-mouthed, sycophantic fucking pussy that kissed my ass every time I saw you? Were you one of the two fey blond dudes that sat in the corner while Manuel (the EIC as you like to call him) went off on his barely decipherable monologues about exactly NOTHING, revealing that all his loud talk is exactly that: a burst of ignorance and fury signifying that you all are full of shit.

  Yeah, my ass would love to shit on you, especially because you begged me to have this fucking picture taken that wasn’t my idea in the first place. Here’s the goddamn email one of you sent when you thought that the shoot might not happen:

  Hello,

  I’m a bit confused by all this chaos. I think that Brad’s [the photographer] references were beautiful. Marina Abromavić is one of the world’s most beautiful artists, and I think that a piece that references that should be quite good. Brad is one of my favorite artists, and has been for quite some time. I think that Brad’s artwork is extremely, extremely successful from a critical and art historic standpoint. It is also very successful from a viewer’s standpoint. I would hate to see what began as a collaboration between The Actor and Brad (Brad was the artist that James was most excited to work with in the original meeting, and I felt it was an excellent choice) turn into something that is lessened in any way for any reason. I think Brad’s artwork is powerful, humorous, wonderful. I want this work in our fucking magazine.

  If we can figure out a way to get Brad and The Actor together, I’m certain that we can work on it in a way that is befitting to The Actor’s idea of collaboration, and to make him comfortable in every way, and to allow him a piece of artwork that he can be extremely proud of, happy with, excited about—the ideas that arise, the open-endedness, the passion of the work, the thrill behind the piece, the celebration that it is, the artists that it evokes (Warhol, Abromavić, Mapplethorpe). It is The Actor’s piece as well as Brad’s and I think that that is a beautiful thing, because we all know that both of them can push each other beyond their comfort zones, and that’s where the best work comes from! I know Brad felt very strongly about the piece, as we spoke on the phone about it being a conduit and an announcement of bigger plans and collaborations between Brad and James.

  I have worked on covers with Richard Prince, Dan Colen, Terence Koh. I have worked with Mike Kelley, John Baldessari, Aaron Young… and this is the piece I am most excited about in the history of my entire career, as it is an extremely unlikely and awesome collaboration. I can imagine a very gallery (museum?) worthy piece, and I’d love to make this happen, from the perspective of a deep lover of contemporary art.

  Love,

  S.

  2 It’s not relevant because you’re a fucking pussy who for some reason wants to vent about me. But it’s fine, actually, it’s nice to be disliked by a gaudy, tasteless, and obnoxious magazine like Sass; in fact, I prefer it. We tried to walk away so many times, motherfucker, and you are the desperate fucks that hung on. Let’s read your side of the story and I’ll chime in, okay piggy wiggly?

  3 USUAL? What does that mean? I’m a great collaborator, so I don’t know what you mean by USUAL? Have we ever worked together before? NO, and other people that work with me are very happy to work with me. Maybe you mean, it was UNUSUAL, but necessary when I found out I was working with a bunch of tacky fucks that wanted nothing more than to get photos of me with my clothes off? And if anyone uses the word USUAL, it should be in this context, “as USUAL, Sass tried to get their male subject to take his clothes off for a bunch of boring and gratuitous photos.”

  4 OFF THE BACKLOT? Hmm, I guess, we tried to give you what YOU asked for, a shoot with a beatnik flair, that was YOUR fucking idea. And if anything, the beatnik inspiration photos you showed me were rougher and more “off the backlot” feeling than anything I sent to you.

  5 I didn’t ask for two covers! That was Sass’s fucking idea. It didn’t make any sense to me either. They wanted a regular cover and an ART cover. So don’t act like I’m some big egotist that demands more than one cover, it had nothing to do with me, shitbag. Why not make some comments that have validity, you anonymous fuck face?

  6 WHAT’s your point here?

  7 Um, no. That’s not where it started. It started two years before with Manuel begging me to do the magazine and asking me to do the magazine every time he saw me over those two years, and my publicist, Cammie Dent, denying him because she thought the magazine was cheesy and that the editors were bad people. I wasn’t sure why she thought this, but now I know. When Manuel called me while I was on a road trip he said, “Yesh, this vill be amazing, babee, amazing! We’ll uze ur art, and you can write, and ve can do vatever you vant. It vill be super cool. And it doesn’t need to be sexual, or anything, you already did that vif SEXXX Magazine, we can do something classy, you know?” I agreed to this, little did I know that it was mostly bullshit. I guess Cammie was right to steer me away from you fucks.

  8 I wonder why you turned down Simon and asked for Tim? Maybe because you know he’d want to shoot me naked? NAKED, and go against what Manuel had said before. I have no problem with nudity, and in fact I did do another shoot with Simon A. Cramp that I was happy to go completely naked for, because he is classy and is a friend and not a fucking vampire pervert like the Sass editors.

  And don’t act like you were excited about the Simon Cramp idea, you passed over him like soggy cereal, when actually Simon was the fresher idea. Sorry, Tim has shot tons of magazines, how fresh was that shoot going to be?

  9 Yeah, I did say sure. Brad is a friend and I like Tim’s work. But the plan was that I would collaborate. That was the concept, BEFORE anyone else was hired. So, if Tim didn’t like that idea, he shouldn’t have accepted the job. Brad was fine with the idea.

  10 MIGHT have been? Um, no, definitely, shitbag.

  11 Sorry, this is false, you fucking slimeball. It was not a miscommunication, what happened is that Manuel, the EIC, called me himself and said, “Tim said he wants to do you nude.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he said it’s the great next step for you.” (This is the supposedly brilliant idea that every photographer has about me now. As if this most glorious light bulb went
off in their amazingly artistic brains alone, and they thought, “Yes, an actor NAKED, that would be so cutting edge and artistic.” Now I know how every actress feels when she has to deal with perverted producers and filmmakers who try to convince her a topless scene is essential to the artistry of the film).

  “You said no nudity, Manuel.”

  “Yes, but it’s Tim’s idea. He said that if he has to do your idea of collaboration, then you need to do his idea.”

  [Yelling] “Then fire his fucking ass. Collaboration was part of the fucking package, if he doesn’t like it, he can fuck off.”

  “Wait, my friend, chill out, dude.”

  Also, the representative you speak about tried to communicate with Manuel, who yelled like a baby and cursed him out. So, if there was any miscommunication, it was due to Manuel’s tantrums, not mine. At least when I yell, people can understand me.

  12 I got rid of Tim because Manuel was using him as an excuse to get me nude. He then came to me with the Simon Cramp idea but he was too late, I shot with Simon for W. A GREAT shoot by the way. The Craaazy Magazine shoot was eight months old, but also great.

  13 Barry told you fucks repeatedly that we wanted to pull out of the project and you wouldn’t let it go. If anything you painted yourself into a corner by not letting me walk while you still had time to get a new cover subject. I really wanted out.

  14 Duh? Why would I want you or your photographers around when I realize you’re after one thing, and after I told you I didn’t want to do the magazine? If you weren’t okay with this situation why didn’t you just drop me? I was willing to work with other photographers, but you rejected them. You’re the ones that wanted me to use my collaborator, Brandy. She tried to give you your beatnik idea, and I think she did it well.

  15 Bruce loved the show. He didn’t shut it down, not even close. What are your sources, dumbass? Bruce’s studio got flooded, that’s why we closed, bitch. And what do my films or Soap Opera have to do with this story anyway?

  16 Yeah, it’s called ____ , motherfucker. And I’m in the PhD program, so I don’t pay, they pay me. But I happily donate the money back so other students can benefit. Are you trying to denigrate my schooling? Because I don’t see your point here. Yes, it does require weekly attendance. What do you do all week? Eat donuts and watch porn? Your writing shows it.

  HERE’s the write-up YOU asked for:

  The Actor studied literature and creative writing at ____ with M___ S______ and C__ B______ , and has MFAs from _______ University, ___ ____ University, and ________ College, where he studied with A__ H_____. His stories have also appeared in Esquire, and his collection ________ was published by ________ in 20__. He is now working on his PhD in literature at ____ , a MFA in digital media at _____ , and recently wrote and directed a film about the poet _____________ called ________________.

  17 This sentence and metaphor are fucking retarded.

  18 Yeah, it was the way Bannerson put it, that he was putting himself out by collaborating with me so I needed to do something for him. As if I was getting the privilege of working with him. It wasn’t about the nudity, dumbass.

  19 Cute.

  20 Then shut up, you fucking idiot. I was happy to collaborate, but not with people whose ideas suck.

  21 You weren’t played, Manuel, I tried to get out of this story so many times. You kept me in. I would be happy to have you at the shoot, where there was plenty of nudity, but not if you try to impose your perverted sensibilities on it.

  22 Why? Let’s hear it.

  23 And why would you do that? The shots look exactly like the fucking beatnik reference shots you showed me! Exactly! So why would you say stop? You don’t give a reason. The pictures look great.

  24 What does that mean? Not sure. Just meaningless stupidity, I guess. Or that I would influence you? Maybe so, you have no mind of your own and you’re a liar.

  25 Sorry, Sass is incapable of elevating me, the magazine is too scummy.

  26 Manny isn’t my collaborator. I’m not sure what you mean here. Just more stupidity, no doubt.

  27 Actually, my work is very focused. If you took a second to read this fucking thing you would see that. Why would you say it was done entirely through email when Manny SAYS that we met in person the day after the shoot? You didn’t even read it? You’re an idiot? You just want to be bitchy because I didn’t want anything to do with your tacky, boring ass? Probably all of the above.

  I think the Q and A is pretty clear. I think Sass sucks ass. Yes, they’re mad, but I don’t care, I didn’t want to work with them. I hope they feel good about themselves writing this stupid forward right when my father passed away.

  Over and out, shitheads.

  The Twelve Traditions of Actors Anonymous

  TRADITION 1

  Our common cause (film) should come first; personal achievement depends on the unity of the production.

  TRADITION 2

  For our film’s purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a kind and firm-handed “Director” who guides according to the dictates of collaboration. Our leaders are trusted collaborators; they are not masters.

  TRADITION 3

  The only requirement for membership into the acting fold is a desire for reality.

  TRADITION 4

  Each film should be autonomous except in situations where other films are involved (sequels, etc.).

  TRADITION 5

  Each film (or theatrical performance) has but one primary purpose: to carry its message to the public, to communicate.

  TRADITION 6

  A performer (or film) must never endorse, finance, or lend its title to any related enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our art.

  TRADITION 7

  Every film ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside financing.

  TRADITION 8

  We should remain forever artists, but we can employ technical workers.

  TRADITION 9

  We should remain unorganized, but we may create production companies in order to serve greater projects.

  TRADITION 10

  We should have no opinions on outside issues, hence the public life remains public and the private life is private.

  TRADITION 11

  Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, videos, video games, social networking, and otherwise.

  TRADITION 12

  Privacy and reality are the foundations of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

  TRADITION 1

  Our common cause (film) should come first; personal achievement depends on the unity of the production.

  Film Is Life

  I USED TO THINK it was all about me. I wanted to be something so badly I was blind to the art above everything.

  Errol Flynn once owned a Gauguin painting, but he had to sell it when he became dissolute and was two million in debt. He said that we own a painting until we die and then the painting lives on.

  If the painter’s name lives on. Damn, there it goes popping up again: fame, pride, vanity. Do all artists just want to live on forever?

  I can hear all the young actors saying in horrific unison, “Who is Errol Flynn?”

  How long for Justin Bieber to fade? Is he about the art or about the ego?

  This morning, a young actress asked me which actors I looked up to; I said, tossing off the obvious ones, Daniel Day-Lewis (even though I don’t use his methods), Sean Penn, Jack Nicholson (I like his approach much more, the intelligent, self-within-the-character approach rather than the complete effacement of self behind character).

  Then I said, almost obligatorily, Marlon Brando. She said, “Who?”

  Daniel Day-Lewis just played Lincoln. He is so convincing. But while watching the film I was constantly thinking that he was the animatronic Lincoln from Disneyland come to life. Like I was watching an ent
ertaining history lesson.

  I once did a boxing movie for Disney. I thought I was in Raging Bull and I trained like I was in Raging Bull, but it was a Disney movie, so all my training was basically fool’s work.

  Imagine if Goofy tried to act in Casablanca. Would it be possible not to laugh? What if Elmer Fudd played Kurtz in Apocalypse Now?

  When Brando tried to be funny in the Chaplin-directed The Countess from Hong Kong, the results were not great.