by Wanda Sykes
Can I touch your hair?
Just got back from tanning. Can’t you tell? I’m almost as dark as you!
Don’t you just love 50 Cent?
Do you think you can teach me some of Beyoncé’s moves?
Will you please tell off my boss for me?
Why do black people use the “N” word?
What are your plans for Black History Month?
Is your hair naturally curly?
Why would you want to go to an all-black college?
Was Malcolm X Muslim like “Osama Bin Laden” Muslim?
Just thought I’d spell it out for you in case you didn’t know. If you’ve ever asked one of these questions to your only black friend, apologize immediately. After all, it’s not your fault your parents raised you to be a dumb ass.
Boo!
George W. got booed at the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. ceremony where the president laid a wreath at Dr. King’s grave to honor his birthday. I’m surprised Dr. King didn’t jump out of his grave and punch him. I guess Dr. King really is a man of peace. Why did Bush even bother? The war in Iraq, his opposition to affirmative action, failure of his promise to “leave no child behind,” cutting back health care programs for the poor, denying certain groups their civil liberties, all go against everything Dr. King stood for. Bush rewrote the dream; “I see little black boys and black girls hand in hand with little white boys and white girls in uniforms, carrying guns, marching through the streets of Iraq to get the bastard.”
I’ve heard pundits say, “How could they boo the president?” I watch a lot of FOX News, so I heard that quite often. Sean Hannity actually said, “Why would they boo? The president hired Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice.” Like that should make us all happy. Just because Bush hired two black people, we’re suppose to think that he’s cool with us. I disagree with his policies, so I wouldn’t give a damn if he hired Oprah and Ali, I would still boo his ass. “Why would they boo?” That’s just stupid. That’s like saying, “I don’t know why old people are upset with the president. He hired Dick Cheney.” The geezers should be satisfied.
Black History Month
I try to avoid watching television during February because that’s the time when networks dedicate a few thirty-second spots for a Black History Moment. The spots usually run during a show that has a black cast member. I don’t think you’ll catch one during an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.
According to these spots, over the hundreds of years in this country, there have only been about ten black people who are of any historical significance. Every year it’s the same group: Harriet Tubman, George Washington Carver, Louis Armstrong, the black guy who invented the stoplight, Jackie Robinson, Thurgood Marshall, Nat Turner (who is my favorite), W.E.B. DuBois, and Crispus Attucks.
Crispus Attucks, the first black man to catch a bullet in the ass during the Boston Massacre. Have you ever seen the lithograph Boston Massacre by W. Champney? Five towns-people were killed, but in the picture it looks like every British soldier had their gun aimed at Crispus. I bet he got shot more times than Amadou Diallo. Who trained the British troops? The NYPD?
My teachers were so proud about that stoplight. “Kids, a black man invented the stoplight.” That’s the one thing that all black folks know. I remember riding along in the car with my crazy cousin from Connecticut, and he would say, “You see that stoplight I just ran through? A black man invented that shit.” Looking at the stoplight today, I don’t think that we’ve really benefited from it as a race of people. Do you know how many black folks have been yanked out of their cars and beat to death while sitting at a stoplight? I know there are a lot of black men whose biggest fear is to be sitting at a stoplight and have a police car roll up next to them. “Damn! This stoplight is going to put my ass in jail. Fuck that black bastard who invented it.” I know I’ve been running late on my way to an audition and I catch every red light, making me even later. I cuss that poor man out. “Look at this shit. If it wasn’t for your inventive black ass, maybe as a people we could get to an interview on time and get a damn job. Fuck you and your stoplight. Why couldn’t you have invented something helpful like an alarm clock? Asshole.”
It’s the same historical figures, but now they have to make the spots hip so it will be appealing to the younger generation. I saw a Black History Moment on the UPN that was hosted by the actor/comic Flex. Flex has a show on the UPN where he plays a single father raising his daughter. He’s about fifteen years older than his little girl. Hey, he’s doing the right thing; that’s positive. Anyway, the spot starts with Flex saying, “You know the rapper 50 Cent?” How did 50’s name get mentioned in a Black History Moment? He’s not the first black rapper to get shot. Well, turns out that Frederick Douglass, the abolitionist, was the first African American who was honored on a coin. Guess what coin? Yes! A fifty-cent piece. We gotta stop that bullshit.
I want black history to be taught all year ’round as American history and let’s do away with this Black History Month. It’s really starting to stink. Because now, since we need some new faces, we are making just anybody a historical figure. Lester Jenkins, he’s the first black man to win the Powerball. Lester won forty-three million dollars. Eight months and twelve Bentleys later, he was penniless. FUBU, “For Us by Us,” the first black-owned clothing company to design a line of fur sweatsuits.
It’s not like we would miss it. Nothing goes on during Black History Month, maybe an exhibit of black art, they rerun Roots and The Color Purple, and Popeye’s will give you an extra biscuit with your two-piece. Maybe if there were Black History Month sales going on during February, it would add some excitement. I would love to walk past Foot Locker and see a Black History Month Blowout Sale going on. They got a sign in the window that reads ALL COLORED SHOES HALF OFF. I’m all over that.
Pass the Minority Baton
The U.S. Census Bureau reported that the Latino population is 38.8 million strong, making them the largest minority in the nation. It’s true. I walked into Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles in L.A. and I thought I had walked into El Toritos. Nothing but Mexicans running this soul food joint. I actually sat down expecting them to serve me chips and salsa and a margarita for starters. It used to be nothing but old black people up in Roscoe’s. Guess they died off and passed the minority baton to the Latinos. I ordered some chicken wings the other day and I listened to the waiter tell the cook my order in Spanish. I’m like, “Did I just hear the word ‘burrito’? I ordered wings!”
White Man
I try not to, and for the most part I don’t live my life thinking about what “the Man” is up to. What is the Man’s next plot to ruin me? Although black folks hear it a lot, especially from family members. I remember as a kid hearing, “Yeah, get good grades. The white man doesn’t want you to do well in school. He wants you to fuck up and be ignorant.” “Make sure you vote. The white man doesn’t want you to have a say.” If there’s an election going on, I’m voting. Now I vote all the time just to piss him off. Hell, I voted fourteen times for Ruben.
White folks were upset when Ruben beat Clay. It was like O.J. all over again. “I don’t understand, Clay sold way more records than Ruben; he should be the American Idol.” What you don’t get is that all you needed to vote was a phone. Black folks love the telephone. That’s the last thing that gets cut off. Black people will be standing outside of their apartment with all their belongings on the street, talking on a cell phone. “Girl, can I come stay with you?” And we have several phones in different names. If we could vote in an election by phone, Jesse Jackson would have been president a long time ago.
But the white man ain’t going to let that happen. I don’t buy into “the Man” thing. I don’t think he has that much free time. I think the Man has problems just like everybody else. His kids are getting on his nerves, his wife won’t blow him, he hates his job, and he’s trying to pay his mortgage before the Man takes his house. His biggest fear is he has to move next door to the other man. The black man
.
Now I’m not going to totally discount “the Man is out to get me” mentality, because I understand where it comes from. Slavery. Here’s where some white people will close the book and put it back on the shelf. “Fuck her, I didn’t have anything to do with slavery. Get over it.” Or a white person at home, “I’m so disappointed. Come on, Wanda, you’re smarter than this.” Well, to that I say, “Kiss my ass, cracker! You already bought it. I got your money.” Before you throw this in the garbage, keep reading. “The Man” is a leftover from slave mentality. Slaves weren’t allowed to learn or vote. The white man didn’t want us to be intelligent or have a say in anything. So I understand where the mentality comes from, but it’s old. It’s like parachute pants. It’s time to stop. I think the government should help.
I’m not for reparations. This is where some black people will put the book back on the shelf. “That bitch is crazy.” Or a black person reading it at home, is going, “Fuck you! I want my reparations check. Shit, give me hers since she don’t want it. I’m broke. Nigga, I had to steal this book.”
I’m not for reparations, but I am for a college education for any black student. If you get in, it’s paid for, full ride. If a kid knows he has a future, maybe he’ll pay attention a little more in the first grade. I don’t care what school he/she wants to go to, just learn something—Yale, Florida, cosmetology school, karate school, bartender’s academy, stripper school. Just learn something! I don’t care if it takes your dumb ass twelve years to graduate, just come out of there with a skill. Also, the government should help place them or have incentives when it comes to hiring those graduates. Yep. When a stripper graduates, the government should subsidize twenty-five percent of her lap dances for her first two years. By then, she’ll have her pole work down.
Part Five
Average Joe
This is one of the few reality shows that I’ll watch, Average Joe. This is the show where a beautiful woman unknowingly is set up with a bunch of average-looking guys. Well, actually some of them were downright ugly.
See, that’s the thing about looks when it comes to men. Men can be fat, have bad acne, be hairy, unattractive, but still make it into the average pool. A woman can only be beautiful, average, or in need of an extreme makeover. An ugly woman is not taking a dip in the average pool. They’ll drown her.
Anyway, the beautiful woman goes on dates with these average guys; then one by one she sends a loser packing and the last man standing is her true love. You know how these reality shows work, and if you don’t, then I applaud you for having a life. There’s always a twist. The twist with Average Joe is that after she gets all chummy-chummy with the schmos, they throw some “A men” in her face. Yep, they send in the good-looking guys to see if she’ll fall for them and forget all about the average Joes. Of course, she does not. She ends up sending some of the pretty fellas home, too, with all of their emollients and hair care products.
Now this does not surprise me at all. Women have the capability of seeing past the appearance. That’s how we all have dated an ugly guy. C’mon, admit it. There’s that one guy out there that you knew he was funny looking when you met him, but you let him hang around as a friend. Then you kept spending time with him because he made you laugh. Your friendly outings started feeling like real dates. Next thing you know, you wake up one morning with this possum-looking bastard sleeping next to you.
And your friends know he’s ugly, but they’re not going to tell you. You can tell because when it comes to your funny-looking man, they say things like, “Rodney wears nice shoes.” “He seems really smart.” “He doesn’t smack when he eats. That’s sweet.” They don’t tell you because they’ve all dated ugly guys, too.
Now men, they don’t have the capacity to get past the appearance. A guy has no qualms about telling his friend that his girl is ugly. Hell, he’ll have the conversation with his friend and the girl could be standing right next to him: “Jay, what’s up, man? What’s up with this…this…this…?”
They could never do Average Jane. There is no way a good-looking man would entertain a bunch of unattractive women period, let alone on national television. Say they did find this lone soul—if he hung around long enough, he would trample to death the average Janes as soon as the beautiful women showed up.
Gorgeous Monsters
It’s common to see an ugly guy with a good-looking woman on his arm. However, you rarely see an ugly woman with a good-looking man on her arm. And if you do, I bet you she’s in handcuffs and he’s in a uniform taking her into custody.
Bottom line, women are judged by their looks. Can’t get around it. Men are judged by what they do. That’s why men can upgrade. An ugly man with a six-figure salary becomes “kinda cute” to most women.
Look at Donald Trump; he’s no Brad Pitt. Check out the Donald’s hair. He might as well just slap some dryer lint on top of his head. It would look better than that fucked-up comb-over he sports. It’s awful. Donald Trump driving a bus, you wouldn’t look twice at his ass. Donald Trump standing in front of all those casinos, beautiful hotels, and buildings with his name on them…“Who’s that sexy bastard with the fucked-up comb-over? He’s hot!”
There are no upgrades for the ugly woman. An ugly woman is just an ugly woman. I don’t care what she does. An ugly woman could be a genius; she could cure cancer and somebody would still say, “Hey, did you hear about that ugly woman who cured cancer?” There would be jokes on late-night television shows: “Did you hear about the ugly scientist who cured cancer? Yeah, that’s great. You know how she found the cure? Apparently, she just looked at the cancer and scared it away.”
An ugly guy can do anything. He can even be a movie star, play any role. An ugly man can be the hero, the bad guy, even the love interest, and we buy it. The only role an ugly woman can play is an ugly woman. And they let you know it up front. “Okay, you’re the unattractive friend, so just stand here while the rest of the cast talk about your ugly ass. And action!”
Look at the movie Monster, the movie about female serial killer Aileen Wuornos. Aileen was not an attractive woman at all. I guess all that killing takes up a girl’s time from grooming and worrying about her looks. “Hmm, I need a facial, but I gotta chop off a head by three. That’s my MO. I don’t do any killing after three, gotta be back in time to catch Oprah.”
Anyway, they cast Charlize Theron to play Aileen. Charlize did an amazing job. However, this is how Hollywood is so fucked-up when it comes to women. They wouldn’t even let an ugly woman play an ugly woman. They would rather take a gorgeous woman like Charlize, make her gain nearly thirty pounds, spray-paint her face, give her some fucked-up teeth and a mullet, and call it a day. Just the thought of hiring an average-looking actor to star in a movie made them uncomfortable. They feel better knowing that there is a bombshell under all of that ugly makeup.
Hollywood ain’t no equal opportunity employer. Do you know how many average-looking actors were so fired up when they heard that they were doing the Aileen Wuornos story? This role screamed opportunity for all the ugly, overweight actresses trying to get their big break. They were probably holding up Aileen’s picture to their headshot. “I look just like her, finally a role for me. It’s my time! I got this gig in the bag.” I bet you they were all lined up at the casting call, thinking, Shit, I’m gold. I’m the ugliest one here. In walks Charlize Theron and they’re thinking, She must be lost. Look at those pretty teeth; she is definitely in the wrong audition. Then they read the headlines, “What! Charlize Theron? She looks nothing like Aileen. They’d rather waste four hours with her in a makeup chair when I can just walk on set camera ready? This is bullshit!”
Hollywood gets a kick when beautiful women play average-looking characters. They gave Charlize so much praise for enduring the extra hours of going through makeup and for gaining weight. It was like, “How brave of her to be seen on the big screen looking so horrific!” There’s nothing brave about what she did, because she’s acting! The person who needs a
pat on the back is the woman who wakes up every morning of her life looking like what Hollywood would consider horrific. A little cold cream, Charlize is back to her gorgeous life. A little cold cream for the other woman, she’s back to her horrific life with a shiny clean face.
When Halle Berry did Monster’s Ball, people were like, “Wow, no makeup, no sexy wardrobe, she really stretched, very daring.” She’s still Halle Berry! Halle Berry is still a beautiful woman. It’s like a doughnut. Sure, frosting, cream filling, and sprinkles would be delicious, but a plain doughnut is still tasty. Wardrobe and makeup, that’s just sprinkles for Halle.
In Monster’s Ball, a racist, played by Billy Bob Thornton, falls in love with a black woman, played by Halle Berry. Come on, who isn’t going to fall for Halle Berry? Billy Graham would have tried to hit it. Even the Ku Klux Klan gave Monster’s Ball four burning crosses.
Plastic Surgery
Ugly is going out of style. It’s being eradicated. With all of these makeover shows, there’s no excuse to be ugly anymore. Plastic surgery is in and so acceptable nowadays that if you’re walking around looking fucked-up, people just assume it’s by choice. “I guess that’s how she wants her face.”
I don’t have a problem with corrective plastic surgery. If you got a fucked-up lip, you can fix it. However, this cosmetic shit is getting out of hand. Now the only way to tell if people are naturally ugly is to see how their baby turns out. Plastic surgery can make you look better, but it can’t correct that cross-eyed gene that you’re gonna pass on to your child. You better start asking to see baby pictures of his or her ass before you get married. If not, you’re going to be looking at your baby, going, “Where did he get those big-ass ears from? He don’t look like neither one of us.” Yes he does. He looks just like your ass when you were in the seventh grade. Those ugly genes are getting passed on. Fuck the college fund, now you gotta put something away for your child’s makeover fund.