by Wanda Sykes
If you sell out, you gotta do it big. You gotta do the things that pay big. Roles where you have at least one hand on your hip the whole movie, or white people hit you with food, or my favorite, the dance number.
Expectations
I apologize to those of you who are reading this book with complete disappointment. I know some readers out there are expecting me to say certain things. Now I’ll admit and say, “Yeah, I said it” when I say some off-the-wall crazy shit. But there are a few things that I refuse to let come out my mouth. It’s not just common folk who have these expectations; it’s people in the industry, as well. If a writer, director, or producer ever suggests that I say any of these lines, I simply reply, “Naw, I ain’t saying that bullshit.” I guarantee that you will never hear me say any of the following sayings:
I’m gonna shove my foot up yo’ ass.
Oh, no she didn’t.
Talk to the hand.
You better recognize.
You better bring it.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
You go, girl.
Don’t go there.
You can’t touch this.
I’m about to knock this fool out.
I’ma smack the taste right outta your mouth.
Fo’ sheezy, my neezy.
Poof. Be gone. You do not exist.
And you’ll never see me do the following:
The Karate Kid stance.
Soul Plane 2.
Raise the roof.
Electric slide at the Emmys…again.
The chicken dance anywhere.
After reading this list, if you find yourself disheartened, kiss my ass.
Me and the Beast
When I was going around whoring myself for Wanda at Large, I did Jimmy Kimmel Live. I was selling that sweet ass. The guest host was Mike Tyson. Oh my God, I’ve never been so scared before in my life. I know I talk a lot of shit, but I’m gonna tell ya, that night I was like a deaf mute. When I did the preinterview, the one important thing Kimmel’s people failed to mention to me was that Mike Tyson was going to be on the show. He was cohosting all week long and they didn’t tell me. Talkin’ about “we forgot.” How the hell do you forget Mike Tyson is in the building? I remember stuff about Mike way back in 1989. How do you forget that?
I get to the Jimmy Kimmel Live studio and I’m walking up to the studio doors and I’m looking around like, “Man, there’s an awful lot of security guards out here. What the hell’s going on out here?” Just big-ass dudes. That Jimmy Kimmel must be pretty wild. There was a guy with a pith helmet and a tranquilizer gun standing in the corner. I thought to myself, Maybe Jack Hanna is on the show. I like zoo animals. Maybe there are some exotic animals on the show. So I think I’m gonna be petting a koala bear or something and crazy-ass Mike Tyson is out there. In his chair, salivating, just waiting for that right moment to take a chunk out of my ass.
If you saw the show, you noticed that I didn’t sit down. I went out there and Jimmy Kimmel is sitting at his desk, or as I referred to it, a potential protective shield. Mike Tyson was sitting right next to me with no type of barrier, obstacle, or weapon between us. So I had to make sure I didn’t sit down all the way. It was just like I had one cheek on the edge of the chair. So if something breaks out, I’m heading for the nearest emergency exit. I was like an Olympic sprinter. I was in the blocks. I was looking at Jimmy like, “Okay, as soon as this mutherfucker snaps, just give me the sign. And I am outta here.” I felt like that lady from the When Animals Attack video. Remember when that bear jumped that woman? That’s what I felt like, any minute this man is gonna maul me to death. I was thinking, Lord, please get me outta here with my panties on. If I can keep my panties, I will praise Your name. If I can just hold on to my drawers, it’ll be all good. And I didn’t want to look at him because Mike got that crazy-ass tattoo on his face. He looks like a Borg from Star Trek. “You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” Then he started talking to me. I was trying not to look at him because I didn’t want to rile him up. Plus, you can’t look a bear straight in the eye. Then Mike just broke out singing: “Wanda Sykes, Wanda Sykes.” I was like, “Aw, shit. Jimmy, you better wrap this up quick.” Then he said something crazy, “I like your socks.” “I’m not wearing any socks, Mike, but thank you.” I’m thinking, Did I hear the starting gun? Because I’m about to take off.
During the commercial break he asked me one chilling question: “So what type of guys do you like?” I thought, Oh Lord, there go the panties. I’m done for, that’s it. Maybe if I can just hold on to my panty band everything will be okay. Now when Mike Tyson asks you that question, you can’t say the response you wanna say, which is, “Not you.” You can’t say that because it’s Mike Tyson. So I was like, “Uh…type of guys? Albino midgets. Aw, Mike, I love me some albino midgets. Woooo, I tear that ass up! Aw, Mike, they’re like turkey meat. I love me some albino midgets. Can’t get enough of them. You know any?”
So at the end of the show I’m getting excited, thinking I survived. I thought I was home free. I had to go backstage to grab my belongings and make a fast getaway, but in order to do so I had to pass his dressing room. So I’m walking past his dressing room, trying to sneak by, and I look and he’s sitting in there with a big pile of weed getting fucked up! So I started thinking…You know…Mike ain’t so bad. He’s not that scary. He’s just misunderstood. You got to get to know someone before you can judge him like that. Next thing you know, I’m passing the blunt to Mike. “So, Mike, you like my socks?” “Yeah.” “Cool, man.”
Now Mike, if you just read that story, remember, I’m a comic. I make people laugh for a living. I make up funny stories. I sincerely had an enjoyable time with you. I think you are a very nice man. Please don’t punch me in the face. If I disrespected you, remember, I’m a comic. I tell funny stories. Please don’t punch me in the face. If you wanna punch somebody, punch Jimmy Kimmel in the face for having a show. If he didn’t have a show, you would not have been there. I would not have been there. This story would have never been told. Besides, Jimmy has enough shows, The Man Show, Crank Yankers. What the hell is he doing with another show, trying to cause some beef between you and me? Or punch my agent in the face for getting me this book deal. If he didn’t get me this deal, I never would have written that shit. Or better yet, punch my publisher in the face. If they hadn’t offered me this deal, this muthafucka would have never been printed. So there!
About the Author
WANDA SYKES is a favorite recurring guest on HBO’s Emmy Award–winning series Curb Your Enthusiasm, and lends her distinctive comedic perspective to HBO’s Inside the NFL as a field correspondent. She earned an Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Special for The Chris Rock Show. Wanda starred in her own Fox TV sitcom in 2003, Wanda at Large, and performed her own television comedy special, Tongue Untied. In 1999 she received the American Comedy Award for Outstanding Funniest Female Stand-Up Comic. Born in Portsmouth, Virginia, and raised in Maryland, Sykes lives in Los Angeles.