by TE Carter
The microwave dings and the DA sits with the meal, poking at it with a spork. He invites my dad to sit, too, but he keeps pacing. My dad stands by the door, watching the DA eat his lunch.
“Ellie was my best friend,” he says. “She was smart. Funny. People keep saying she was a little weird. Quiet. But she wasn’t. She was perfect just the way she was.” He breaks down, trying not to look at the DA and his nuclear lunch and the case file on the desk. “I love my daughter. Someone needs to be responsible for what happened to her.”
“Someone will be,” the DA says. “I promise.”
There seems to be a lot of promising happening these days. People just toss promises around when they don’t know what else to say, but hey, maybe one of them is true.
* * *
CALEB LOOKS LIKE he’s in study hall or posing for his yearbook photo. He’s clean-shaven and his hair is trimmed neatly. I wonder what the negotiations are for maintaining your appearance in prison.
He sits on the stand, running his hand through his hair and looking uncomfortable. Not guilty—just like he somehow ended up here by mistake.
Adrien starts out like he did with Noah. Friendly. They’re buddies, and this is just a chat.
“How did you and Ellie Frias meet?” he asks.
“She flirted with me in the halls.”
“The prosecution has been trying to argue that you somehow targeted her. When you met this flirtatious girl in the hallway two years ago, would you say you were planning to target her?”
“No, nothing like that. I could barely pass my classes. I don’t think I’m smart enough for all that. To see two years into the future.”
They both laugh. The idea is funny. Absurd.
The word target echoes in my head, though. I didn’t realize that was what they’d been saying during the days I wasn’t here, but is it true? Did Caleb target me? Did he see me that first day, the new girl, quiet and alone, and wonder what it would take to hurt me? I don’t know. I probably won’t ever know.
I think that’s what keeps me here sometimes. The not knowing. The wondering if there was anything I could have done. If I was just expected to end up like this.
“Let’s talk about Ellie,” Adrien continues. “You were in a relationship?”
“We were,” Caleb replies. “She thought it was more serious than it was, though.”
“I take it she didn’t have a lot of boyfriends?”
“I don’t know. I really doubt it. Guys didn’t really pay much attention to her. She was odd. At first, I liked it. It was kind of cute how awkward she was all the time. But it got old fast. And I got bored. It wasn’t a big deal, but she had a hard time getting over it.”
“You have admitted that you slept with her later. Although you’d broken up.”
Caleb shrugs. “Look, I’m a guy. I’ve been with a lot of girls. She wanted to, and I liked her enough to think she was still cute. It didn’t mean anything. I was just bored.”
“Would you say this was something Ellie did often?” Adrien asks.
“No. Definitely not.” Caleb laughs. “I think that’s why it was such a big deal for her. I should’ve known better. I should’ve, but she was so desperate. You should have heard the things she’d say. It was kind of sad, but kind of hot in a way, too. I don’t know. She was obsessed with me.”
“You’ve also admitted you weren’t totally honest about your relationship with Ellie when she went missing. Why was that again?”
Caleb sighs. “It was a mistake, but … after Ellie and I broke up…” He pauses and looks at the jury. “I broke up with her because I’d started seeing someone else. Ellie and I weren’t really working. I liked her and all, but we were in different places. Plus, we were moving really slow.” He pauses again and looks back to Adrien. It’s rehearsed, but it’s so much like all the times we talked. The pretending. I wonder if I’ll ever know where the truth was in the things Caleb said.
He looks embarrassed and shakes his head. “There were things I could get with my new girlfriend that I wasn’t getting with Ellie. It was a pretty easy decision. These things … they matter, okay? You know what I mean. You’re a guy. You were young once.”
“I understand,” Adrien says. “But Ellie wouldn’t let it go, right?”
“No, she just kept showing up places, asking me to sleep with her. Things had been going well with my new girlfriend, but every time I’d turn around, Ellie would be there, telling me I’d change my mind. Telling me she was sorry she hadn’t been ready. And I’m not gonna lie … I was flattered. I liked her, and yeah, it would have made a difference before we’d broken up. But I’m not the kind of guy who cheats on girls. I kept telling her no, because I don’t cheat. That’s so shady.”
“In the end, though, you decided to sleep with her after all?” Adrien asks.
“One time. There was one time and it was a mistake. She was into it. She wanted me to get my brother involved. She wanted to do all kinds of things, and I felt bad about my girlfriend, but I don’t know. It was stupid. It was a huge mistake and I felt really bad about it all, but I don’t deserve to be here. I didn’t want to tell anyone, because I knew it looked bad, but nothing happened. We were only having fun,” Caleb says.
Adrien lets him sit quietly on the stand for a few minutes, softly sobbing. Everyone’s eyes are on him. On the good boy who got mixed up with the wrong girl. I watch it and I’m impressed. Disgusted but impressed. Thankfully, the DA isn’t.
“We understand Ellie was your girlfriend, and then you broke up. You continued the relationship on the side, though,” the DA reiterates. “So tell us. What else happened that ended with her dead?”
The DA knows the media. He knows the jury. He makes sure they remember what he says. It doesn’t matter when Adrien objects and the judge tells the jury to disregard it. You can’t disregard what you’ve already heard.
“I didn’t kill anyone,” Caleb says. “It wasn’t even that serious.”
“Okay.” The DA pauses and looks through some papers he’s holding. “Can you explain how Ellie ended up in the backyard of the house on Pilot Lake?”
Caleb shrugs. “I was with my girlfriend that night.”
“I didn’t say what night,” the DA points out. “I asked how she got there. How did she know about that house?”
“I don’t know. I mean, we’d been there before. She and I had gone to a bunch of different houses. I just assumed—”
The DA cuts him off. “We have DNA evidence that links you to her body. People at school say the relationship was serious. Your alibi is flawed. Hours are missing from your story. There are a lot of questions here. Let’s start with the big one.” He pauses. The effect works. The jury is listening closely. “How did Ellie Frias end up dead?”
“Look,” Caleb says, “I made a mistake.”
“A mistake?”
“I didn’t kill anyone. Yeah, fine, I was with Ellie that night. Yes, we were all at that house, but I didn’t kill her.”
The courtroom freezes. He realizes it as soon as he says it. He’s not supposed to admit it. His alibi has been to swear he wasn’t there. Not at the house. Not that night. Even if he wasn’t with Gina Lynn, there was nothing putting him at the house that weekend. Everything is counting on him not being there.
Caleb smiles, nervous, and looks up. Out into the courtroom. He looks right at me and he has no idea. Not that he ever did.
“Are you saying you were with Ellie Frias the night she died?” the DA repeats.
“I lied. I lied, all right? I didn’t tell anyone about being with her that night. I lied to my girlfriend. I told her I was going home for something. That I had to help my dad with something. But yeah, I was with her.”
“Why did you lie?”
“I didn’t want to ruin what I had with my girlfriend. I made a mistake. I’m not the kind of guy who cheats. I didn’t want her to know.”
“So now, to clarify, you definitely were there? That’s the truth?” the DA asks.<
br />
Caleb nods. “Yeah, okay? Ellie and I met up that night because she wanted to have sex with me. And I … Gina Lynn—my girlfriend—she was being moody. I figured, why not? It was dumb, but hey, I’m a guy. Ellie was desperate for it and I was pissed at Gina Lynn. It didn’t mean anything. I made a mistake. We went to the house. It was a good place to be alone. We went there so we could have sex. I felt like shit after, all right? I left. I rushed home, took a shower, and went back to Gina Lynn’s. I didn’t want her to find out.”
“Okay, to clarify, you cheated on your girlfriend,” the DA confirms, “then left your ex-girlfriend, the one you’d just had sex with, in an abandoned house, and then surprise, she just turned up dead. And at no point did you think to come forward with this information when she was missing for six months.”
“I said it was a mistake,” Caleb says, but his voice cracks. He messed up. His perfect story, his excuses, his lies. They’d been built around him by everyone else, and he couldn’t even hold them together.
“In fact, you insisted you absolutely were not there that night. That the night you slept with Ellie was a different night and at a different house. And now you’re saying that you were there, at that house, on that night?”
Adrien is furious, but it’s too late.
“I knew how it looked, okay?” He turns to the jury again. “I’m just a kid. I’m a guy and I made some mistakes. I did something I’m not proud of. I hurt my girlfriend by cheating on her, and I’m going to have a lot of making up to do. But I’m supposed to go to college. I have all these plans and I was just … I couldn’t help myself. I screwed up, okay? But I didn’t kill anyone. I swear, I don’t know what happened to Ellie. I wasn’t even thinking about her after, because I knew how mad Gina Lynn would be if she found out. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but it doesn’t make me a murderer.”
“Do you even care what happened to her?” the DA asks.
“Sure, but it’s not really my problem. It’s not my job to go around looking for missing girls. To figure out what happens to them when they’re stupid. She was there that night, too, you know. She showed up and I don’t know where she went, but it wasn’t my job to go looking for her. That’s on them,” Caleb says, and he points to Officers Thompson and Malik, along with Detective Gomes.
I can’t stay. I can’t sit here and listen to the case they make against me. There’s no proof Caleb didn’t kill me, so they turn it on me. They make it my fault. They remind everyone I was pathetic and weak.
I don’t get to speak for myself. I have no voice here, and I can’t fight back. The frustration tears away what’s left of me and I leave the courtroom because I would rather not know what else they think. I don’t want to be humiliated. I’m already dead; I’d like to spend the rest of forever not feeling this ashamed.
I decide I’m not going back. Not until they make a decision. I can’t listen to any more of it. Can’t listen to them try to make it okay. I can’t have this be the way I’m remembered. I’m angry, but it’s useless.
I run when I get outside, although it’s only air moving faster. Part of what they said was true, and that’s hard to accept. I stood in my room that night thinking about him. I got dressed up and I planned it. I put on makeup and purple silk and I told myself I would come home different after. I went there willingly.
That part of the story runs alongside me, another ghost. All my wants, all my stupid needs, they stay with me and I can’t shake them no matter how fast I run or how far I get.
chapter forty-nine
It takes forever for them to deliberate. I don’t go back, just like I promised myself. I spend my days at home. Watching Fred. Watching my dad. Pretending I’m a junior. Pretending there’s a reason I’m still here.
One night, Gomes comes to our door. The porch light burned out, but it’s another dead light, and my dad gave up on saving them.
“Am I interrupting?” he asks my dad.
“No, I’m not … No. Do you want to come in?”
Gomes shakes his head. It’s grown cold. That’s how long it all took. The leaves are nothing but shattered, dry bodies strewn along the road now. It’s barely after five and it’s dark. My dad and Detective Gomes stand in the darkness and neither says anything. It’s winter now. I’ve been gone more than a year.
“I just—” Gomes starts and then he looks up at the Christmas lights. “Do you want some help with those?”
My dad shakes his head. “I don’t think my dog cares if we have a tree.”
“Yeah,” Gomes says.
“So, did you need something?” my dad asks.
“I just wanted to let you know they’re saying they have an answer. That they’re going to decide tomorrow. In case you want to be ready.”
“Okay.”
“Do you need anything else, Alex?”
“Not anymore. Have a good night,” my dad says, and he shuts the door.
Gomes stands on the porch for a moment, wishing he had something else to say, and then he turns and leaves. Winter broke the trees and now it’s breaking all the people, too.
In the morning, I walk. My dad takes the car in, but I don’t feel the cold anymore and I like seeing the things I didn’t see when I was alive. All the things I didn’t notice. It’s another gray day and the grass is coated with frost as I head to the courthouse.
I want to hear what they decide. I want to know what kind of person they think I was.
When I get there, the media is gathering. They review what they’ve learned. All the things that have been said. I try not to listen. I don’t want to know. Don’t want to relive all my own failings as people look for reasons to prove I should be dead.
I stop when I see Cassie, though. She’s been here since the beginning, and she wants to be here when—and if—it ends. I know that, even if the jury decides today like they’re supposed to, there still has to be a sentencing. If anyone remembers to bother, they’ll still have Gretchen’s and Kailey’s cases, too. Very few of them will stay for that part of it, but Cassie will. She’ll be here until there’s nothing left.
Not that it matters. It’s all show. None of it changes anything.
“Do you have it?” Cassie asks Gus. She’s setting up for a recap and she wants the courthouse behind her. I never noticed it before, but she wears a wedding band. It’s odd. She’s this whole person beyond a reporter, beyond the one who came here when very few people were asking. I don’t know if it’s new. Maybe she got married during all this. I try to imagine her wedding. Try to imagine how you separate these parts of yourself.
“We’re expecting the jury to finish deliberations anytime now,” she says once Gus confirms they’re ready. “Noah and Caleb Breward have been charged with murder and sexual assault. It’s been a long and complex trial…”
I walk away, leaving her to her story. To why she’s here. She cares more than the rest of them, but at the end of it all, Gus is right. She can only tell the story people want to hear.
Each of the reporters is saying the same things. I walk among the crowd of them. Some are here for television, some for the press, but they’re all preparing their statements. Waiting for an answer. Then, regardless of the outcome, they’ll move on. It doesn’t change for them if Caleb gets to go free or if he spends his life in jail.
At the top of the steps to the courthouse, one of the court employees holds the door open. He doesn’t even need to speak before one, and then two, and then the rest of the reporters rush up the stairs. The crowded lawn and lot are grass and pavement within minutes, the last of the media running inside.
It’s crowded inside again. Everyone’s tired. The judge’s already graying hair has turned nearly white since the case started. There are things people in these jobs expect to see during their careers, and then there are cases like this one.
When everyone settles, the judge looks at Caleb and Noah. At my father. At the jury. He turns to them.
“Have you reached a verdict?” he asks.
&n
bsp; “We have, Your Honor.” The jury is mostly old. Normal people. People who maybe understand. It’s half women. “For the charges of first degree murder, we find the defendants guilty.”
The word echoes. My ex-boyfriend and his brother are guilty. They killed me and these twelve people confirm it.
Noah smirks as they say it and flips them off. Nancy breaks down, forgetting her makeup, burying her face in her hands. Leah’s not here today; I don’t know if she gave up on Noah after hearing the things he said or if she just decided not to be here. Gina Lynn left for California after she told them what she knew. I don’t think she’ll ever be back.
I turn to look at Caleb. I need to see him. I need to know he’s surprised. Scared. I need to feel vindicated.
Nothing’s changed in him, though. He’s not smiling, but he’s still sitting, that same confidence he always wore wrapping him up in all the things he knows he is.
“She didn’t even matter,” he says to Adrien. “All this for a nobody.”
I don’t know what I imagined. I don’t know if I believed he’d cry. If I thought something would happen and he’d admit he loved me and he’d screwed up and something in him was wrong. Whatever I thought, I still hung on to that. I believed all the words he said. Even after all of it, inside of me were those words. All those beautifuls. All the things I will never hear anyone else say. The things nobody but Caleb will ever call me.
And I was a nobody to him.
“We can appeal,” Adrien says. “And there’s a chance the sentencing can be reduced. Don’t let her ruin your life.”
“And the other charges?” the judge asks, as the courtroom settles. Reminding them that there’s more. That I’m dead, but that wasn’t the end of the hurt they caused.
“For the charges of rape, we find the defendants not guilty.”
Not guilty.
It’s chaos in the room, but it’s empty sounds. It’s hollow.
The trial is over. I see people moving around. Caleb and Noah are taken somewhere. Nancy is led out into the hall. My dad stands, his hands in his pockets, with the DA and the cops. Motion fills the space. Time passes, but it’s a haze. The world keeps moving around me but I’m swallowed up by the vacuum of those two words.