by TE Carter
“Your mom used to love the stars,” my dad said as I looked for them.
“I wish I remembered her.”
“She was the kind of girl you meet only once in your life.” He looked at me. “Unless you’re lucky enough to meet her daughter.”
“Did you love her?” I asked.
“I did. I loved her too much to stop her when she didn’t want me to love her anymore.”
“I wonder if anyone will ever love me.”
“I love you, Ellie,” he said.
I laughed. “Ew. Not like a dad. I mean, I wonder if anyone will ever want to camp with me under the stars or will remember the things I liked even after I’m gone.”
“Of course someone will, Ellie. You’re too special to be forgotten.”
“I hope so,” I told him.
A streak came across the dark patch of sky and I wished on it. Shooting stars were supposed to be good luck.
I wished on that star that someone would remember me someday. That someone would love me enough to make sure I wasn’t forgotten.
I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I don’t know what comes next. I go back and forth through the places I loved. Spend time with my father. With Fred. I treasure the moments, even if they don’t know I’m a part of them.
Time changes when you’re dead, but I’m more aware of it now. Since I don’t know for sure how much I have left, I try to pay attention to the things I want to remember. Just in case.
I could be angry. I am, sometimes, but then I remember.
I don’t know a lot. I was fifteen when I died, and it’s hard to know much when you’re fifteen. But when I sit in my living room and watch Fred sleeping, when I watch my dad as he laughs at something on TV—a laugh that he’s had on pause for more than a year now—I can’t be angry. Because in those moments, this is what I do know.
I know that after everything that happened, after all that I lost …
I know that I was lucky. I know that I was loved.
I know that I was.
Author’s Note
THE TRUTH IS I started writing this book because I was angry. I was angry at seeing the same kinds of stories in the news. I was also angry for personal reasons, for the girl I was when I was fourteen and seventeen. Maybe it’s that girl—that part of me—that makes me notice these stories more. This anger drove the creation of the story, but as I began to see the world through Ellie, I discovered something else.
Toward the end of the book, Ellie sits in a room with girls who’ve survived being sexually assaulted. She could be angry. She could be mad that these girls were given the one thing she was denied—life. They were granted a chance to continue. But Ellie isn’t angry. Instead, she chooses to focus on what’s beautiful in the world.
Some days, especially after surviving assault, it’s really hard to see what’s beautiful. Some days, it feels like there’s nothing in front of you but creeping darkness, but it’s not true. Because at the end of darkness, there’s always light. Maybe it’s filtered. Maybe it’s dimmed because of the darkness that led you to it, but the light still exists.
Anger is easy, but hope can feel impossible. I don’t want that to be the case. I started writing this book angry, but I ended it with hope. Ellie realizes, too late unfortunately, that she mattered. She realizes she was real and that she affected people around her. She changed the world, even if the ripples were hard to see. I ended the book hoping that those ripples extended past the fictional characters on the page. I hoped that Ellie’s story would reach girls like Ellie, girls like the rest of the survivors in the book, girls like me when I was younger.
I hope you know that you matter. Your life matters. Every day, you count and you change the world by existing. You affect the people and the places around you with the ripples you send out into the universe. And when it’s hard to hold on to hope, when the light feels like it can’t keep burning, there’s a world of people behind you whom you’ve affected. They’re there and they have your back, even if you can’t see them.
I promise you—we’re behind you. I promise there’s light at the end.
Acknowledgments
OBVIOUSLY, I NEED to start by thanking my agent, Mandy Hubbard, because without her, there’d be no book. There was a late night in February 2016 when I happened across her Twitter and she was tweeting about a manuscript she was reading. Since she had only just requested mine days earlier, I was sure it couldn’t be mine she was talking about. A few hours later, after she announced to the world how heartbroken and wrecked she was, she e-mailed me. So thank you to Mandy for being wrecked! And I’m sorry for ruining your night, but I hope it was worth it.
Thanks also to Lindsay Mealing and Linda Epstein at Emerald City Literary Agency (ECLA) and Taryn Fagerness in foreign rights for supporting the story—and me—right alongside Mandy.
Of course, there’s my editor, Anna Roberto, who loved Ellie and felt her pain from the beginning. Thank you for helping me make those adjustments to strengthen her story and thank you for believing in this book. (And, also, you are so right—Angela Chase for life!)
To everyone else at Feiwel and Friends, thank you for giving Ellie a voice. She—and I—appreciate it more than I could ever put into words.
To my critique partner and friend Erin Callahan, for being the person I never knew I was missing until I met you. I wish we’d met years ago. Thank you for writing such great stuff that I walk away from our exchanges inspired to work harder on my own writing (and admittedly, absurdly jealous of your talent). Also, thank you for giving me last-minute advice and input on court procedures.
To my friend and fellow author Bree Barton for being there. I’m not sure if you can thank someone for simply existing, but if so, thank you. It’s been a roller coaster, that’s for sure, but I can’t wait to go through the next stages of the journey with you.
To all the people I met through debut groups and social media and Camp ECLA. There are too many to name individually, but it was so nice to finally feel like there was a place I belonged. Thanks as well for the emotional support, including being there on Facebook and Twitter during that flight to Seattle that WOULD. NOT. END.
On a personal level, thank you to Jamison for always being supportive and listening to every little worry while still pretending to be interested. I owe you many dinners that don’t involve talking about books to make up for all the ones that have!
To Karen, because even though we don’t talk much anymore, for years you told me that you were positive there would be a book with my name on it in a store somewhere. Thanks for having faith when I didn’t.
To my parents, friends, family, in-laws, and English teachers in high school and college for not thinking something was wrong with me when I’d walk out of a room to go read somewhere. Thanks especially to my dad, for never missing a night of reading when I was a kid and for instilling the love of books and stories in me.
To my kitties, including the ones I’ve lost, because I don’t care if people say it’s silly to recognize your pets. I love you and you’re my favorites. And finally, to my husband …
When I was writing this section and I asked for your feedback, I hadn’t written your part yet. You told me I should thank you for nothing, because it would be funny, but I can’t. Without you, without you pushing me to fight for what I loved, without all the long nights and tears and “I’m done with this” conversations, there would be no acknowledgments page, because there’d be no book. My life would be so different in so many ways without you and there’s simply no paragraph in the world that can capture everything. Thank you for encouraging me, for knowing when to be supportive and when to challenge me, and for making me laugh when it was all too much. I love you. You deserve five thousand and one candles in the wind.
Resources
RAINN: Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network https://www.rainn.org
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE or https://hotline.rainn.org
National Alliance to E
nd Sexual Violence https://endsexualviolence.org/forsurvivors
National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) 1-877-739-3895 or https://www.nsvrc.org
Victim Rights Law Center https://www.victimrights.org
End Rape on Campus (EROC) https://endrapeoncampus.org
It’s on Us https://www.itsonus.org
SVYALit Project (Teen Librarian Toolbox) https://www.teenlibrariantoolbox.com/2014/02/svyalit-project-index
I STOP SOMEWHERE
DISCUSSION GUIDE
1. Throughout the novel, Ellie talks about what makes a girl. At one point, she references a nursery rhyme that says girls are made of “sugar and spice and everything nice.” In that same nursery rhyme, it’s stated that boys are made of “snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails.” Discuss the differences this nursery rhyme points out about perceptions of gender. What difference does it make that this is something we teach young children? How do you think knowing this nursery rhyme affects your perception of gender as you get older? Does this way of thinking seep into how we generally treat people based on gender? How so?
2. In trying to determine what makes a girl, Ellie also wonders if the things she saved in a box in her bedroom are what truly define her. She considers the mementos to be the only real mark that she ever existed. What do you think makes a person who they are? What do we leave behind that proves we were alive? If these things are material, as Ellie wonders in the scene in her room, what does that say about the things that were left behind in the abandoned houses in the town? What mark was left by the people who used to live in those houses?
3. Ellie says at one point that for most people, Kailey is easier to believe than Gretchen. What makes Kailey easier to believe? What does this say about our social expectations of behavior based on gender?
4. Discuss the other girls and women of the novel. How are these characters connected? Officer Thompson, Kate, Gina Lynn, Cassie, Gretchen, Kailey, Hannah, and the other girls who attend the survivors’ group, as well as the girls who were assaulted but never came forward, all play a role in Ellie’s life—and death. A recurring theme is trying to define what makes a girl. Given the diversity of these women, what do you think truly makes a girl?
5. In many ways, Gina Lynn starts out as representative of the mean-girl trope. However, she eventually shows us a different side of herself. Why do you think she denied for so long that Caleb was involved? What do you think made her decide to come forward?
6. After Ellie goes missing, her picture is posted on the Internet along with articles asking for people to share any information they have. Most of the comments that follow are crude and heartless. How does social media impact Ellie’s life, as well as her case? Why do you think people act this way in the face of the tragedy and pain of others?
7. Ellie witnesses Gina Lynn, Caleb, and their friends taking part in what they call “loser baiting,” where they make YouTube videos that throw a spotlight on people’s pain. Ellie says that it was easy to excuse hurting others because “they weren’t us,” but when the spotlight is turned on her own father, she still remains quiet. Why do you think people find it funny and entertaining to see others humiliated? Why do you think some people who do not find these kinds of videos and images funny still choose to stay silent about them?
8. As the case unfolds, it’s revealed that Caleb and Noah sexually assaulted other young women in the town. Most of these young women didn’t report their assaults as soon as they happened and some never did, due to fear. What does that say about our society and how we view sexual assault? Ellie almost addresses this directly when she says that she’s both a rape and murder victim, but unlike rape, there’s never a debate about murder and whether she asked for it. Later, Caleb and Noah are found guilty only of the murder and not Ellie’s assault. What do you think the significance of this is? What other aspects of the novel address our social attitudes and assumptions about sexual assault? In what ways can we change these attitudes?
9. At one point, a local man interviewed on the news says, “These boys have their entire futures ahead of them. It’s concerning that they’re being forced to take from their college savings to defend themselves against baseless accusations.” Why do you think some people, whether they know those involved or not, are so quick to write off the victims and their futures, focusing only on what the boys may lose if they’re found guilty? How does this tie into the previously discussed gender roles and expectations in our culture?
10. What role does status and wealth play in Ellie’s story? Within the town, Caleb and Noah are held in high regard. Ellie was essentially deemed a runaway, and the search for her was limited, mostly because of where she lived and her family’s status. How do we view one another based on where we live, who we’re related to, what we look like, how we dress, etc.? Ellie says that Wayne Breward took out TV ads for his campaigns because he could, and later, she states that she and Caleb walked through Gina Lynn’s party with the “privilege of [could].” What privileges are allotted to people based on their perceived rank? Discuss how the assumptions we hold of others based on their class status affect society as a whole.
11. How do the empty houses—the zombies, as they are called—play a role in what happens to Ellie? Beyond being a physical location for the crimes to occur, how else do they affect the power given to the Breward family? Why does Caleb’s status matter, and how is that connected specifically to these abandoned houses? There are rumors in the town about Caleb and Noah, as Kate mentions. Why do you think the people of Hollow Oaks are willing to ignore these rumors? Later, Ellie says that people in other towns around the country, seeing the story on the news, pretend that this couldn’t happen in their towns. Could it?
12. Ellie’s closest relationship was with her father. She loved him, but she admits she was embarrassed about his job and she sometimes blamed herself for his staying in Hollow Oaks. Alex Frias admits to Detective Gomes that he resented Ellie at times, too, and was ashamed that he had. What does this say about the love between parents and children? Ellie isn’t angry that her father resented her sometimes; in fact, she’s relieved. Why?
13. There were many things Ellie didn’t tell her father, which come to light as her case unfolds. Later, in the scene with Kate’s parents, they refer to their daughter as Katie, even though Ellie knew her as Kate. In what ways are we different people around our friends than we are around our parents and other family members?
14. Ellie says she and Kate weren’t really friends, although during her freshman year, Kate was the person Ellie trusted most. What makes someone a friend? Ellie knows that she remembers only her version of the times she spent with Kate and that Kate may remember those times differently. Is this selfish or just human nature?
15. At several points in the novel, Ellie references light and light dying. Whether talking about a burned-out or dying lightbulb or a shooting star, this comes up quite a bit. She even says that lights always seemed to be burning out. How do these images connect to Ellie’s story?
16. The title of the novel comes from the poem “Song of Myself” by Walt Whitman. How does the title answer any questions about where Ellie may actually go? Considering the last line of the poem, “I stop somewhere waiting for you,” who might be the you that Ellie is waiting for?
Thank you for reading this Feiwel and Friends book.
The friends who made I STOP SOMEWHERE possible are:
Jean Feiwel, Publisher
Liz Szabla, Associate Publisher
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Anna Roberto, Editor
Christine Barcellona, Editor
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Alexei Esikoff, Senior Managing Editor
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sistant
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About the Author
TE Carter was born in New England and has lived there pretty much her entire life. Throughout her career, she’s done a lot of things, although her passion has always been writing. She continues to live in New England with her husband and their two cats.
Visit her online at tecarter.com, or sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Epigraph
Prologue
Part One
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen