by Gia Riley
“She had questions, but she needs the money. We were in a bad spot, and Carson was the answer.”
Kate works full-time as a nurse’s aide, on top of taking online classes to finish her nursing degree. Her plans for college took a detour after mom died and dad left. She makes good money doing what she does, but it’s not fair for her to have to work her life away with nothing to show for it. At least with Carson and me contributing as much as we can, she can start saving for a better place of her own once I leave for Parsons.
Dad left us a little money before he took off, but it wasn’t enough to last very long. Most of it was spent on bills, and the little bit that was left, went toward counseling for all the damage he caused. He thought he was helping, doing the right thing even, but in the end, he hurt us more than he ever thought possible.
He tried his best to be a good parent after mom died, and he was for a while, but as the days passed, we all knew it wasn’t enough. Kate, Wyatt, and I watched as grief consumed our father to the point of self-destruction. In order to survive, he had to escape the only town he’s ever lived in. We knew it was coming, he knew it was the only way, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
“I can’t do it anymore, Kinny,” he says, with a voice hoarse from crying.
Before today, I never saw a grown man fall to pieces the way my father was, right before my eyes. The man who has always been the heart and soul of our family was crumbling—so grief-stricken, he stopped living the life he used to love.
“Without your mother, I have nothing. I am nothing.”
“You have me, Dad. I love you.”
“I know you do, Kinny girl, but you remind me of her so much. Everywhere I look, everything I see, reminds me of your mother. It’s like living in hell.”
“What about your job? Your friends?”
“I was let go yesterday. I can’t even concentrate—my work has been slipping, and then I got so behind, I stopped trying to catch up.”
“But you were working twelve-hour days after the funeral.”
“There’s no excuse, Kinny. I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain, just like I’m not here. I can’t blame them for firing me. I would have fired me, too. I can’t fault my kids for hating me either.”
“So, that’s it? You’re going to leave me? I lost mom, and now I’m losing you, too.” It’s not a question, but rather verbal confirmation that when this conversation is over, he’ll be walking out of my life.
“I need to get my head on straight. I can’t do it anymore.”
I don’t want to live this way, with a distant parent who would rather be anywhere than where he is, but I could never up and leave my family—my responsibility. “When will you be back? Do Kate and Wyatt know?”
He nods his head. “Couple months. There’s a program in Florida Dr. Murphy is sending me to.”
“And I’m supposed to stay with Kate until then? Wyatt, too?”
He nods his head. “Kate will be waiting for the both of you. She moved upstairs to a bigger apartment. There’s enough room for the three of you, so take everything you need, clear your room out.”
“We’re losing the house?” I ask, in complete shock. This is the only home I’ve ever lived in. My bedroom has been painted the same pale pink color since I was born.
“I can’t afford the rent without a job. When I get back, we’ll move into a new house.”
“Okay,” I whisper. He’s coming back. Maybe he hasn’t given up on this life. It’s the only thing that keeps me moving forward. I’ll stay with my big sister for a little while and then we’ll move into a new house and make new memories. It won’t be so bad.
Though losing the memories in this house is the last piece of mom. Once we leave, it will be like she’s gone forever—for good. When I was low, I would picture her in the kitchen, making her famous brownies, or the time she had to patch a hole in the wall because we were playing baseball in the house on a rainy day, like she told us not to.
It brings tears to my eyes, and I don’t want to cry. I’m tired—just plain tired of my world being ripped away from me.
“Don’t be sad, Kinsley, please. I need you to be strong.”
“I don’t want to move, but I want you to get better. I love you.”
He closes his eyes, absorbing my words like he doesn’t deserve them. But he does—even if I’ve been the parent of the house since mom passed—filling her role the best I can. I don’t think less of him for wanting to get help. He’s made sure I’ve been seeing a counselor all while he’s sat silently, wishing he was anywhere but here—his kids a constant reminder of what he lost.
I walk to his chair, leaning down to hug the man I’ve looked up to all my life. His strength has vanished, his soul’s depleted, and his heart’s been left in pieces. But he’s alive—even if he’s not really living anymore. “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you, Kinny. So much.”
Dad left that morning, and I haven’t heard from him since. I lie, he called once from a pay phone in Chicago. I’ve never heard of a flight from Pennsylvania to Florida via Chicago. I didn’t even know why he was there, but I could tell he was crying, nonetheless.
The moment he told me to clean out my room, and to take everything with me, should have been my first clue that he wasn’t coming back. But I bought his lies about not being able to afford the house, and his plans to go to Florida for counseling. I never once questioned why he had to go nearly a thousand miles away to get his head on straight because if that was what it took to get my father back then I wanted him in the best place possible. I wanted him to have a chance to be happy—even if I had to be sad.
For a long time, I excused the lack of phone calls and letters, chalking it up to the restrictions in therapy. He should be focused on himself, not me. When days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and there was still no word, I knew I’d never get my promises. He ran away from his responsibilities, and he has no intention of ever coming back.
Being known around town as the abandoned teenager hasn’t done my reputation any favors. Most people look at me with pity, Mandi even questioning how I can stand to look at myself in the mirror. I won’t lie and say I’ve never considered ending it—I had some very dark days after my mom passed away, and even more after dad left. Turns out being abandoned hurts just as much as death.
Even Wyatt’s gotten into fights defending me. He’s heard the rumors, threatening anyone who said another word. He can’t win every battle with his fists, and he knows that, but for a long time, it was our only defense—beat them down with fists before they can beat us down with their words.
Now that I’ve lost my personal body guard, my sister and Carson are all I have. It may not be a perfect living arrangement, but at only twenty-three, Kate’s usually fair. All she asks is that I go to school when I’m supposed to, and to work as much as I can when I’m not.
“Hey, earth to Kinsley,” Becca says, as she taps my arm to get my attention.
“Sorry. What’d you say?”
“You were really spaced out there for a few minutes. You’re sure everything’s okay at home?”
“I’m sure.”
“I wish you would come live with me. My parents wouldn’t care, they even said so.”
She yanks on her locker door a few times before banging on the top corner of the metal door. “This stupid thing sticks like the one I had last year. I can’t catch a break.” She gives it one more swift kick with her shoe before it pops opens.
“I can’t stay with you, Becca. You’re all I have. If I’m living with you, it’ll put a strain on our friendship, and we’d end up hating each other. Plus, Kate needs me. She was forced into that bigger apartment because of me, I can’t stick her with the bills and take off, too.” Only my dad gets to do that, apparently.
I stick my head in my own locker, reaching for the stack of books I have piled up on the shelf.
Becca huffs out a frustrated sigh. “You’re a good sister, but I could never ha
te my best friend. You’re only saying we’d fight because you think you’re a burden.”
“Becca, it is what it is.” We continue talking though the metal, unloading the books we don’t need to take home with us, and swapping them for the ones we need for our homework.
“Fine, but are you at least going to talk to Rhett before you go home?”
“I wasn’t planning on it.” It’s not like we’re suddenly a thing simply because he took a picture of me—and the entire school heard about it.
“I think you should go find him,” she encourages.
“He’s probably already at practice, and I wouldn’t even know what to say if I did find him. You know I suck at this stuff.” I hold the books I need to take home with me in my arms as I grab my bag off the floor. I slam my locker door shut with my foot and gasp.
Rhett’s leaning against the lockers next to mine with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face. There’s no telling how long he’s been standing there, or how much of our conversation he overheard. Judging from his expression, he’s heard enough.
“You don’t want to talk to me?” he questions with a knowing wink.
I cover my face with my free hand, wishing the floor would suck me up and put me out of my misery. But Rhett wraps his hand around my wrist, pulling my hand away from my face. “Don’t cover this up.”
“Why not? I’m a little humiliated if you haven’t noticed.”
“Because I like to look at you, Kinsley.”
I duck my head, trying my best to hide the smile on my face. “I saw you looking at lunch,” I admit.
The smile on his face grows. “I know it’s not nice to stare, but I can’t help it.”
“Oh, shit,” Becca mumbles from behind me. She’s still standing in front of her locker watching our entire exchange. I’m going to get an earful after it ends, that’s for sure.
“Are you heading home?”
“I have practice,” he says.
Of course he does. I knew that, but I’m not thinking clearly. It only gets worse when he slides my backpack off my shoulder, unzipping the zipper, and one by one, tucking the books I’m holding inside the bag. Once the last one is inside, he zips it up and places it back on my shoulder. I don’t think I blinked the entire time. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”
“You’re welcome. What about you? Where are you headed?”
“I have to work.”
“Are you still working at the diner?”
I nod my head. “Yeah, I’m still there. I didn’t realize you knew that.”
“I know more than you think, Kinsley. Especially about you.”
I bite my lip, but I can’t hide my smile this time—and I’m not sure I even want to. “I should probably get going before I’m late.”
I’d much rather stay in this hallway the rest of the night, getting to know Rhett better. He says he knows a lot about me, but there’s so much I want to find out about him.
“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow morning in class—with my killer picture presentation.” Slowly, he walks backwards, away from me, leaving me with another one of his signature winks that does all kinds of crazy things to my insides.
“See ya tomorrow, Rhett.”
As casually as he left, I try to do the same with Becca, but she yanks on my backpack, stopping me before I’m even three steps away from my locker. “Hold up, killer.”
“Becca, I have to get to work.”
“Not until you finally admit he has a thing for you. I saw it with my own two eyes, Kinsley. He likes you, and I think it’s safe to say, you like him, too.”
I can’t help but laugh at her. She’s so serious, like she’s telling me something I don’t already know, but after talking to him there’s no denying it. What’s even crazier is, I’m crushing on him, too. When I woke up this morning, never in a million years did I imagine I’d end the first day of school with the possibility of Rhett lingering in my future.
“Come on, Kins, admit it before I’m late for practice. I don’t want to run extra laps because I was standing in the hallway waiting for you to admit you want to jump his bones.”
“I’m not agreeing to any jumping, but I like him. Happy now?”
“Ecstatic. Now go home and cover your binder in hearts with his initials in the middle.”
“You’re crazy. This isn’t middle school, you know. Plus, if I go and do that, it would scare him away. Who knows, the way guys go through girls around here, by tomorrow morning, he could be into someone else. My luck he’ll be with Mandi again by the end of the week.”
“Kinsley West, don’t make me smack you.”
“I’m just being realistic, Becca. How about we drop it for now.” In all honesty, I’m more used to people leaving my life than coming into it. It’s more natural to me to have to let go than to allow someone in.
It’s hard to open up—to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but for Rhett, I might be willing to try.
“We’ll see,” I tell her with a shrug of my shoulders.
“Don’t blow it off as just another day, Kinsley. This is a big deal, and I’m happy for you. That,” she points in the direction we just came from, “is not the same Rhett that made me eat dirt.”
I laugh at the reminder of what he made her do all those years ago. Back when girls still had cooties, and we were more worried about who was “it” in a game of tag, than who was interested in dating each other.
Life was so easy then. I had both my parents, a house I called home, and I didn’t care how popular I was. In fact, I’d rather play a game of Red Rover than try to figure out why Rhett suddenly finds me interesting. I was perfectly happy being a wallflower—even good at it. Now, he’s gone and stirred up feelings. Feelings I’ve never experienced before, and that will most likely lead to trouble.
“Did you hear a word I said, Kinsley?”
“Yes, I’m listening. I’m glad Rhett’s not a little punk anymore.”
“That makes two of us. So, if he asks you out tomorrow ,tell him yes.”
“Did he tell you he’s going to ask me out? Don’t lie, as your best friend your loyalty is with me.”
“Calm down. He didn’t tell me anything, but I can tell from how he’s acting. I’m really good at reading people. If he’s anything like he was when we were kids, he won’t quit until he gets you either. He can be a stubborn fool—just like you.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” she questions. “I just told you he’s going to ask you out, and that’s all you have to say?”
“No, I want him to, but I’m scared.” I admit as I wrap my arms around my middle. Even saying the words makes me feel more exposed than I’ve ever been before. Only I trust Becca with my confession because she would never use it against me.
“Just be you, Kin. Let him see what’s he’s been missing all these years.”
I can do that—I think. “Thank you for not laughing at me.”
“Never. You’re practically my sister. Plus, he has an older brother in pre-med.”
“It all makes sense now. You want to use me to get to his brother.”
“I’m not using anyone. Not that it would be so terrible to have to date Rhett to help me out. I mean, his brother is hot and he has a brain.”
“Rhett has a brain. Even my brother has a brain, Becca.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do, but I’m still holding out hope you’ll be my sister someday. I gotta run though, so I’ll see you in the morning. Oh, can you pick me up? My car’s going in the shop for a few days. It’s making that obnoxious clanking sound again. Brian, from the diner, said he’d take a look at it for me. Hopefully he’ll save me some of the outrageous labor costs.”
“That sounds so technical, but yes I’ll pick you up.”
“Thanks, Becca. You’re a lifesaver.”
I hurry to my car while Becca goes in the opposite direction to the locker room. Turning the key in the ignition, I pray it even starts. It does, but
as expected, the noise returns as soon as I hear the engine. It only gets worse when I put the car in drive. Each time I have to hit the brake, I worry the car’s going to stall. Which is why I panic a little bit when the crossing guard stops traffic just as I’m pulling up to the intersection.
“Come on, hurry.” I whisper to myself.
I’m tapping my fingers on the steering wheel when a knock on my passenger side window scares the ever loving shit out of me. Rhett’s standing on the other side of the glass, signaling for me to roll my window down. I fumble with the button, hitting my side before his.
“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he says with a stupid cute grin on his face.
Dressed in his football gear, he’s holding his helmet in one hand, and his shoulder pads in the other. All that’s covering his chest is a thin cut-off T-shirt. I thought he was hot in his regular clothes, but he’s even better in his uniform.
He clears his throat, and right away I realize he caught me checking him out. I look away as fast as I can, but he just laughs. “Like what you see?”
“Eh, it’s okay.”
“Wait, I want you to have the full experience. Maybe that’ll change your mind.”
Before I can tell him I was only kidding, he spins in a circle on his toes like the most ungraceful ballerina I’ve ever seen. He looks absolutely ridiculous, and I can’t stop laughing at him. “Rhett, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
“There, that’s better,” he says, as he bends down to rest his arms on the edge of the opened window. “You’re even prettier when you smile. But your car doesn’t sound so good.”
“It’s going in the shop tonight.” My Ford Focus isn’t a total piece of shit, but it’s been anything but reliable lately. I guess that’s what happens when you have friends fix it for you who don’t really know what they’re doing. They fix one problem and create a new one.
“Do you need a ride to school tomorrow?”
“Becca’s picking me up.”
“What about a ride home from school? I can take you. Tomorrow’s game day, so I usually go home for an hour or two after school. Clear my head before the game.”